Sufra

It is a shame to admit that I did not start volunteering at the Foodbank because of an urge to help deal with food poverty.

To be frank, my motivation was peer pressure. Actually, scratch that - family pressure. When three of your siblings all volunteer at the same place and insist that you must help, it is difficult to say no.

Despite going in without honourable intentions, I have learnt so much abo

*

Volunteering at Sufra is one of the most rewarding opportunities that I have invested my time into. It is a great shame to admit that I did not start volunteering at the foodbank because of my urge to help deal with poverty in my local area. To be frank, my initial motivation was that three of my siblings were regular volunteers and they insisted that I popped in.

Despite going in without honourable intentions, my experience has made me eager to help out where I can when it comes to food poverty.

Usually, I volunteer at the Community food kitchen that they have every Friday in which trained volunteers cook amazing three course meals for anyone who attends.

Recently, I have been doing bits and bobs. Most of last week, I was wrapping presents. The Foodbank got a lot of Lush donations which they intended to give to users of the Foodbank.

Also, two weeks ago, I was a waiter and this week I've been cleaning.

I love my family there. :) There is

Update

Hello world. Or rather more, hello Bob.

Christmas was amazing.

It was the first time that my family did a proper Christmas dinner.

Tobi cooked turkey and I cooked everything else.

My dad was so happy - called it the best Christmas we ever had and it was lovely to see him smiling.

We then did a puzzle and watched several movies.

It was amazing!

The Monday that followed was great. I did my hair and Joy and I watched several movies.

Mamma Mia, and The Dream Girls - we certainly love our musicals! Also, as a family, we watched Stolks.

We also went Ikea breakfast which was fun. :)

I love life.

My family aren't perfect. There are always arguments and to be honest, it is a little stressful at times.

However, I love them to bits and I will happily endure the bad moments for the great ones. :)

People sometimes think that to be happy, you have to do things like travel or be in a relationship or have your goals fulfilled.

I think it is important to remember, in everyday, you can find pockets of happiness.

One night when River Song was in a spectacularly good mood, she told him all about her ‘real’ husband and his spaceship – he suspected at the time that large quantities of alcohol may have played a part in loosening River Song, but never questioned it as he was enjoying her story far too much. 

I walked five miles today.

My legs hurt.

I felt good though.

Today my friend messaged me saying 

'I am sad. Please help.'

(Normally, I respond immediately to his messages as I have Facebook opened up when I am on my laptop. Ironically, that was the message I took long to reply to seeing as I was showering).

I know that he is the one with the problem. However, I felt quite lost talking to him because I didn't know what to do or to say or how all I could help. Just that he was relying on me and I was doing a pretty bad job in cheering him up. 

I am not a counsellor or a therapist and I don't have any specialist experience. All I can do is be a friend. 

I think he forgets that.

That I cannot cure him. That I cannot offer him a quick fix. That I can't always be there for him. I can't make him happy when he is down, it also seems. 

And it is sad, because he is a really lovely guy. But everything is revolved around his problem. 

:( 

Christmas Party

Yesterday, my flatmates and I had a Christmas dinner (or lunch and dinner). It was absolutely amazing.

It started off as an idea a month ago. At the time, people were complaining, 'but Christmas is too far away!' Time flew so fast.

The day before yesterday, we went out as a massive group to buy food. I was prepared! I brought my suitcase. (Let's just miss out the part where I nearly left my suitcase in the Iceland and Tesco aisle).

At two thirty when I came back from my lecture, I started off peeling the parsnips and carrots. After some tedious minutes of doing them alone, I recruited my future flatmate, Adele. Together, we tackled the carrots and parsnips as well as watched The Parent Trap.

Then we started to fry and then glaze the carrots with honey. Trust me when I say that they were delicious!

I ended up coordinating most of the cooking (and telling people what to do). However, Josie entirely handled the meat and vegetarian pigs in blankets.

We were supposed to start at 4:30 on the dot. (We started at 5). Most people listened to the dress code and dressed formal so we all looked especially nice. I wore my prom dress (which Daniel said looked as if I was going to a funeral). We ate a fantastic meal.

At 10:30, we had dessert. Ole made Norwegian rice pudding and Marianna made a chocolate cake. Since being here, she has made four cakes. This is as she makes a cake for everyone's birthday. Let me tell you, her cooking skills have become amazing. I am now convinced that there is no cake she cannot bake!

We did our secret Santa and I ended up with a notebook. It is a really pretty one (so even though I did not want another notebook, I absolutely love this one!)

Afterwards, Hahnhee, Rebecca and I played piggy in the middle with a piece of foil. It was not the safest of games seeing as we were besides a table and in the kitchen. However, it certainly was fun.

Guess who got 76 percent for her first practical report? :)

Hey guys,

I am really tired. I just want to go home.

Let me start with yesterday. I had a tutorial at 10:00am and it was in a cafe on campus. Liz offered to buy us all drinks and she came back with a plate of tiny mince pies. They were so adorable. I almost did not want to eat them. She pretty much forced all of us to eat them. She was like please take one. When no one would, she singled out Stephy. Then she looked at me and so I took one.

She continued by going around the table and asking us what we have liked the most and what we have disliked the most. There was pretty much unanimity in that time management was none of our strong points.

I had to give nemo back after three weeks of nemo sitting so that was a bit emotional. Though she assured me that she would look after him well.


I had a stats lecture and seminar.


At 2.45pm I had a feedback session with Liz regarding my essay. By the way, I got 58 on my first essay. Pretty good considering I haven't done a proper essay since GCSE's. She told me that it would have been a 60 but they are not allowed to give borderline marks. My essay was good and there were some very strong points according to Liz. However, some points were shit (though she sugar coated this, of course). My conclusion was bad. I contradicted what I put in my main body. If I had spent more than five minutes on it I would have probably got into the 2:1 region.

I mentioned how Liz's office is really cool and she has lots of pictures, photos and paintings up. Oh and books as well. Like 100 (and she said she has read most). I decided that I'd bring her a drawing to pin up (because why not? I was happy that she let me look after nemo because he helped me through some tough times.) She was really happy and hugged me. Then I left and outside was Nabs waiting for me.

Later Nabs dropped by at my room and we stalked her crush on Facebook and did our social psychology test together. I may have not mentioned Nabs before. She's brilliant. She is weird, she squees and she is funny.

After this, I went to a carol concert with my flat mates. That was cool.


Today I had two lectures, a three hour lab and a test. The test was open book and online but I did it non open book and I didn't do to well. It was a pass but I could have done better if I searched stuff up. Ah well. On the plus, I have started both my assignments that are due in January. I discovered that SPSS check my answers for all my stat's questions which I shall take full advantage of. Also, the stats is all basic S1 stuff so I only need an hour or two to get it done. My second assignment, I have finished a plan. Pretty much the only thing that will take time is my intro. However, that won't take long now I know how to read journal articles.

Peace out guys.

Two more busy days to go before I go home. On the plus side, tomorrow is busy because of the Christmas Party.

Dear Bob

Dear Bob,

If you are reading this, I just wanted to say, I love you loads. xxx

Hope everything is going well.

I was in the audience of a TEDx talk today. IT WAS SOOOO COOOOL!

That was actually on my bucket list so I feel as if I have achieved something today.

The theme was 'Who are you?'

There were two psychologists and one journalist talking.

I may expand on what they said some other time.

But my eyes hurt now, so bye.

I called my mother to tell her that I was ill. She asked me if I were cold and I said no and that my room has heating. 

She calls me back and puts my dad on the phone and he is under the impression that I am super cold and that it is such an emergency that he needed to drive over that instant to bring me covers and warm clothes. 

When I specifically told my mum, it is just a headache and stomach ache. 

One can only wonder how my mum completely miscommunicated this to my father. 

What is happening to me???

I think I may have mentioned, but my last menstrual cycle was 22 days. I was worried bearing in mind that the average is 28. Also, considering that it was an anomaly. Since around May, it has consistently been 28 days.

Since my period, stuff has been going wrong. I have been having stomach pains. Not usual cramps, but something else. It feels like I am going to throw up. As if I had been food poisoned. This has been happening quite often recently. I thought at first it was period pains but as they are still happening, they cannot be. 

Also, I have been having dizzy spells and headaches. The other day, I could not bear to move because I was in so much pain. Recently, the pain has been so much that I have had to take painkillers. 

Furthermore, I have been sensitive to light. This morning I had my laptop in front of me and it was so agonising that I had to put it away. 

What is bothering the most is that I have been extremely tired recently. So tired that I have to lie down in my bed for a bit. Or that I cannot do anything else. I don't get tired. I really don't. Okay, fine I do. But never so tired that I need to lie down. Never so tired that I feel like I cannot do anything. Last year, I ran on 7 and a half hours of sleep and I didn't have a problem with tiredness. I am running on 8 and a half now. It doesn't make sense. 

There is the argument that I am stressed. However, I was stressed when my mum left to Nigeria and I didn't respond physiologically. I was stressed doing my TSA and I didn't respond physiologically then either. Why the sudden change? 

I don't think it is serious. Like I have a rare disease. I know that online symptom checkers aren't the best / they get you unnecessarily hyped up sometimes. Therefore, I am assuming that I don't have a problem that is uncommon. 

 

It's a good life. 

Liz

Hello

Yesterday, I talked to the Wellbeing service lady and she told me that it would be wise to inform my personal tutor about the knock on effect my friend's situation is having on me.

I emailed her and her response was sweet. She was like, she was sorry to hear that I had a problem and that she needs her Nemo sitter happy and healthy. (Because I didn't tell her the problem through email, she could only speculate).

We met up today to discuss my email. It was rather daunting. She went straight to the topic (ie. what is the problem?) So I could not even try beat around the bush. I explained and she was really nice about it. It was really hard in the respect that she is so lovely and so understanding. It makes me feel like she could see more than I was saying if that makes sense. I felt more exposed that I would with someone else. It doesn't help that she is an expert in facial expressions and emotions. Also, it doesn't help at all that I was giving her eye contact. I couldn't not. I always give her eye contact so to not then would have been weird.

I felt like crying and hiding in my room. I felt stupid and childish. She was concerned. Said that I shouldn't think that just because he had the problem that I have no right to be selfish. She was like that making sure I was alright should be the priority as well because I can only be a good friend for him if I myself am in a good state. Then she was like I can come to her office or email her even during the holiday (because she works through holidays). Then she said that I was a warm person (not literally because I am usually cold, but metaphorically. Like seriously, my hands are perpetually freezing! This cold weather doesn't help). Then she said that I make her smile. And I was half happy and half like, I am going to cry, I just need to get out of her and hide away from the world because I feel so silly.

I left and then returned to the common room where my friend Amy was waiting and we watched part of a documentary about cochlear implants (seeing as we were recommended to watch it by our lecturer as we had learned about hearing and listening).


Oh also, I am not sure if I mentioned, but J is seeking help. I am so proud of him!!!

I think I posted a post on how I told him to get help and how we went to our subwarden to get that sorted. He is actually not backing out and I am so happy. I am happy as well that I had the conversation with him. I was so worried that he'd hate me for suggesting that he needed professional help. I was considering just leaving it and letting him sort of deal with his problems himself. It's good that everything (so far) is working out.

I want to experience

I worry sometimes that I do not do enough fun things.

I sometimes sit there and think, what happens if one day I have an accident that means I forget all the stuff I knew. What happens if I am working towards getting good grades and then one day, they do not even mean anything? I have invested so much time into doing well academically. What about investing time to live life? To experience? To love? To have fun?

And then I argue that I do have fun. I have fun in my tame ways. I have fun talking to my friends. I have fun taking my little sister out. I have fun drawing. Fun need not necessarily mean getting out there and having adventure.

However, having fun does not necessarily mean getting outside of my comfort zone. Then I think, but to be fair, I get myself out of my comfort zone a lot. I am in Warwick after all. I did go to NCS. I canoed and climbed a wall. However, to be harsh, I refuse to go into a pub yet claim that I don't like the atmosphere. Same with partying. I don't travel because I am worried about getting kidnapped. There are so many ways in which I limit myself.

This was what was going on in my head on Sunday morning. A friend had invited me to go to Birmingham with her and it was like, do I get work done or do I have fun?

Guess what I chose?

I went Birmingham. :) I actually went. It was like any other city (such as London) but I had fun.

I have thought about it. I will try and make the most out of life. I will travel this year. I aim to go Winchester and Edinburgh next term. However, I have decided that even if it is only for a day, I will go travel somewhere. I want to go Disneyland. I want to experience.

First essay

Hello guys,

I have finished my first essay. :)

Whooop!

I may go Birmingham today with Hahnhee to see the Christmas market...

My list of taboo's

I have just posted a post on weight. Talking about weight bothers me so much and it would have been a hard post to write if I thought that someone other than Bob would read it.

I decided to post a list of things I do not like talking about / what I struggle with / have struggled with discussing.


-  Weight

-  Self harm. I had a convo with a friend regarding self harm before I went uni. I think that this really helped. My general problem with discussing self harm is that people tend to think that it is limited to cutting. However, there are so many more behaviours encompassed in self harm.

- Periods. Well not anymore.

- Future relationships. They scare the hell out of me. Part of me thinks, what if I die alone? I make jokes, but it generally does worry me. Also, guys (not all) use females for their pleasure.

- Suicide... It scares me a bit because I remember a time where that felt like the only option and where I was that messed up that I actually planned an attempt but felt to weak to go through with it. I'm still here, but it scares me a little because no one knew.


- Mental health. I don't mind talking about this now because mental illnesses are so common. However, when I was younger, I was soooo scared. I was the sort of child that thought, damn it, what is wrong with me? I remember in year 7, my brother made an offhand comment about how I am always angry and that I may have problems and that comment never left me. I cried. Then in year 11, I have no idea what happened but I was soooo worried then. Like what the f is wrong with me? Though it turns out, there is nothing wrong with feeling weak, stupid, pathetic, etc.

It is funny really. I make more jokes about the above. It is weird how people deal with stuff by laughing about it. I mean, I often mention that I am crazy. I joke about dying alone. In fact, I have realised that I make a lot of jokes about things that have bothered me. For instance, how my mum deals with things through shouting. ("Trust me, you don't want to meet my mum. She's intimidating," I laugh. How my parents weren't happy with my life decisions. ("The funniest thing ever is that they didn't even anticipate me leaving London until results day,") It is a weird way to deal with stuff. I'd like if in Psychology, I learn about a theory that explains this.

On that happy note, I shall end this post.

No actually. What a lot of psychological studies that make people distressed do, is end with a task that makes you focus on a happy event.

So reader... I am going to ask you to focus on something positive in your life in order to get over this post.

I remember when I was in year 6, I was really overweight. (Obese really). I was 87 Kg.

I have spent a lot of time ashamed of my weight and my eating pattern. It was almost like a positive feedback loop.

I'd think, there is no point trying to lose weight because I won't. So I didn't try.

At some point, I shot up to around 110 Kg.

By year 11, I was 100 Kg.

There was a point where I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I felt hideous.

Then around this or last year, I was at 95 Kg.

After starting Uni, I have started to be less conscious about my weight and the way I look. I am eating better so I feel good. I am not exercising as much, but the change in my eating has been so drastic, that my lack of exercise doesn't make me feel too bad.

When I went home for week 5, my mum told me I had lost weight and I was like, mum, you are lying to me. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and I have seen no such thing.

Only, I have noticed that my 'school' trousers are a bit too big for me and they used to be an exact fit.

I got a bit confused. Like, how is this happening, because I have not lost any weight?

Only, I went to someones house today and they had a scale. I took the opportunity to step on it.

From the last time I stepped on a scale, I have lost weight. I didn't even realise.

I am now 85 Kg.

I checked my BMI. This is bad, but since I have been in year 6, I have been obese according to the BMI scale.

And now, I am not. :)

It feels great because this is the lightest I've been for 8 ish years.

I feel so motivated to lose weight now. To actually get more exercise.

I have got to grips with eating healthily and now I need to get more exercise.

I thought I'd make a whole list about this because weight is something that I hate to discuss.

It makes me feel so vulnerable and ugly. I feel like Shrek or the beast in Beauty in the beast. Only they find love and I feel like I never will. (This is when I talk about weight).

I feel better now.

My target for my next birthday is to lose 10 Kg.

If I do that, according to my BMI, I will be normal weighted.

That's so exciting!

Today

Yesterday

My subwarden emailed me, telling me that she contacted a health care person she works with and told her about J's situation. That we had to tell him to go see her or that they would. I was so worried because I thought breaking it to J would make him feel betrayed. So Alicia and me went to her room to ask. She was like we have time because from what we have said, she does not think J is suicidal even if he jokes about it. She was like, I could wait until Monday after my meeting with the well being service to talk to him. She was also like we didn't need to tell him we talked to her. 

Today 

I had an interview from 3:30pm to 7:00 which Alicia was also doing. This was for the welcome service at Warwick. 

There were 170 being interviewed and there are 120 jobs. Therefore, statistically, I am less likely to be rejected compared to accepted. However, rejection is still a possibility. 

I looked at my emails and it turns out that I am really busy next week. I felt so overwhelmed. Monday, I start at 9. Then I finish at 10. As 10, I need to be at the well being service at a different part of campus. At 11 - 1, I have stats. From 3, I have another meeting. On Tuesday, I have a lecture from 9 - 10. Then 11 to 5 solid. Then at around 7, I agreed to take part on a psychology pub quiz which I can't back out of now. Then Wednesday, my essay is due. I won't have much time on Monday or Tuesday to do my essay. So I have to do it from today and during the weekend. That will mean that I have to focus on it and I will be unable to catch up with anything else hence falling behind further. Then there is all the experiments I have to do for the course. Added on top of that, tomorrow, I have to cook for 7 people.

I went to check up on J and he wasn't good at all. I think he'd been crying. I stood there thinking, it is either I deal with him or go do work. He was giving a look like please do not leave me. Please don't go. I need you. 

Guess what I did? I left. I asked if he was okay and he mumbled a very unconvincing yes. I was like, well that is good. See you later. 

I felt like absolute crap. 

I went to my room and I nearly cried. I was thinking, damn it, I have so much work to do. I need to breathe. What the hell? I am such a bad friend for leaving him when he looks so awful and when I know without doubt that he needs me. Stop being so selfish and deal with him. 

So I messaged him telling him to come up. 

We talked for a bit. Then I sighed and was like, dude, I am worried about you. I am going to be absolutely honest with you, I think you need to seek help. I think that you should talk to our subwarden. 

And he was like, yes, he thinks he needs help and that he will go talk to her. I was like, are you sure you are not just saying that? Are you sure you won't back out?

He replied, yes. And said thank you and that it is good that I care about him. Then I was like, Alicia and I have been so worried about you and we've been planning to tell you to go talk to someone for a while but we decided we'd wait. Then I told him that I know it is hard to seek help when you're not alright. 

Then I was like, let's go and see the subwarden now before you change your mind and he agreed. She wasn't in, so I texted her and she set up a meeting for tomorrow at 5pm. He said he will go if I push him too.

We sat in silence for a bit. He held my hands. His were really soft. 

So yes, progress. I'm tired but I am happy. 

It's been a good day :)

Today was a really good day.

I started the day by waking up twenty minutes before my lecture (not so good).
During my lecture, I nearly fell asleep. (Not too good at all).
Then I went to the Psychology common room and had some coffee. (Getting better).
I returned to my room and then prepared for the next lecture. (I'm rather impartial about this.)
My next lecture was about hearing and we went in detail about how the ear works. (Surprisingly really good.)

I asked my lecturer about why a person may be unable to distinguish 'ch' from 'sh' and she said that maybe it was because they are both high pitched and she asked is this regarding myself or someone else and I was like myself. Then she suggested that it may be cultural because when people from China move to different cultures, they find difficulty with making someone sounds and distinguishing them. Then I was like, but none of my siblings have this problem and that I has speech therapy for my pronunciation and she said that children with a lot of ear infections as a child show delays in speech as a result of not hearing stuff. (Interesting). I was telling this to Rebecca, one of my flat mates who also had speech problems. She said her dad said when she wasn't a child, she refused to talk for a month and that he thought that that caused her problems. Then we started talking about life and she mentioned how she went to Botzwana once. And I asked her, why didn't she tell me this when I asked, tell me about yourself because it is really interesting. And she went, 'really?' because she thought I was being sarcastic. I was like, yes, of course.

And, Manpree, (another flatmate) who has been rather shy around everyone, has finally started to warm to us. (Very good :). She actually jokes around with me now. :)

Also, I talked to you Bob (the best part of my day)

And I have nearly finished my essay due in next week Wednesday.

Love you Bob. :)

This weekend

Yesterday, I had another pizza party. :) Marianna and Ole made some pizza and they put oats in the base. IT WAS SO GOOD!  Rebecca brought oreos and I provided milk for them. :)  The pizza party was not quite as lively as the first, but it was great anyhow. We watched Lion King. The afterwards, we played truth or dare. The game escalated quite quickly. One of the dares was for one of the girls (Marianna) to leave our group chat after claiming that she cannot stand us. On the next dare, one of the guys (James) was dared to tell her to f off and that we didn't want her anyway. It was really funny because one of the girls actually believed that the argument was real. :) Also, Marianna ended up sticking 'Property of Marianna' in everyone's cupboard as a dare. She personalised it, so on one she wrote 'touch before asking' and on another 'one pound per use.'

I met Alicia's mum (in person). The first time I met her was over skype. I went into her room to tell her that I highlighted my pyjama trousers and she opened the door. Then she was like, meet my parents and I was sort of like, crrraaaaappp.... hello...  Trust me, that is not the way you want to meet a friend's parents. Them thinking that you amuse yourself by colouring your clothing. Anyway, I met her in person and she seemed nice. She gave me a hug when they were leaving.  After Alicia ans her mum and sister went home, I called Amelia because we arranged to call then. It was really cool catching up and we may go visit each other in term 2. Then I called Lambs and apparently there is drama but she will ell me about what ever is happening back in London. It's quite cool that I am able to maintain contact with my London friends (well most of them anyway) despite making new friends. :)

Alicia went home this weekend and arrived back at 8 pm and so we threw her a surprise birthday party. Marianna, Ole and Jan made a cinnamon and carrot cake (the icing was made out of Philadelphia cheese.) I bought twenty muffins from Tesco and we put up decorations and blew up balloons. We hid in one of the kitchens and when she entered, everyone yelled surprise. It was pretty cool. For the next fourty five minutes, we stood around in the kitchen. There were so many empty seats but no one moved away from their hiding positions until Marianna came back with the cake.

Hey Bob, you alive?

It would be nice to hear from you.

Research assistant

Dear anyone reading this, 

Hello, my name is Olugbemi Moronfolu and I am currently a research assistant for Ameerah Khadaroo, a PHD student. She is being supervised by Dr Fiona MacCallum and they are researching parenting of single-child and multiple children families in the UK. They are interested in seeing how families today get on, and how families with one child compare with those with more than one.

They are currently looking for families with children aged 11-14 to take part in a quick 1 hour family interview involving both the teenager and their parents. We will need only 30mins of your time for the joint parent interview following which around 25mins to interview your teenager. At the end we will need each parent to do a quick 3-4mins interaction task using the Etch-a-Sketch with their teenager. Altogether it should only take around 1 hr of your family time. All responses are anonymous and confidential, and each family who signs up for the interview will receive a £20 leisure gift voucher as a thank you gift on the day of the interview.

They are very flexible in terms of when would work best for you and we would be most grateful if you could please let us know a day/time when you think your family would be available to do this.

Please do let us know and MANY thanks again!

P.S: If you’d like to ask any questions please do not hesitate to contact Ameerah Khadaroo ona.khadaroo@warwick.ac.uk

If you know anyone who may like to participate, please ask!!!!

I'm stressed out and busy and I have a lot of work to do. I am fortunate to get along with my flat mates which makes things better.

Passive aggressive indirect

I'd just like to know you're alive and haven't falling completely of the face of the earth. 

And actually, it would be nice if you answered my messages and actually called me as opposed to me always calling. 

But life isn't always 

Help

Trying to be there for someone who is just so broken and lost is quite difficult. Especially when you are living with them. At least with college or school, you wouldn't have to see a person all the time. However, living with someone: whose happiness depends on you; who needs you to always be there and who drinks to deal with problems is hard.

Hello everyone,


I am a tiny bit pissed off.

I may be being a little petty. In fact, I am being petty. But still.

I think I may have mentioned my friend.

Let's call him J. He gets anxious in social situations and so for the past couple of days before I have been going to sleep, I have been with him trying to calm him down and making sure he goes to bed happy.

He turns up to my room and he is all sulky or I go check up on him and he is so sad and I couldn't possibly leave.

So I spend like two hours in his room or go on a walk with him.

J likes my other friend A and he told me and I promised not to tell her and so I didn't.

Yesterday, we went on a walk. Ten of us. And he wondered off knowing that it would worry us. I tried to catch up to him and just make sure he was alright but he was so ungrateful, like, why are you here? He was sort of like, leave me alone and I was like, ouch, fine. So he wonders of in the dark and on a dangerous path (because apparently there have been burglaries.)

He left me and A so worried and at one point she cried.

And so he text her this morning saying, I am sorry for being so selfish last night. The thing that sort of sucks is that I have been trying to be there for him and trying to care for him but like he doesn't care about the fact that he made me worry as well. Like my feelings don't matter because I am Linda and I have been there for him whenever he's needed me so it doesn't matter if I am hurt if that makes sense.

Disarray

I am a bit unsure with how I am feeling today. 

 

I did a biology section online assessment. I did not fail but I did not do as well as I should have. I realised that there is so much that I do not know. I know that I am not expected to be an expert five weeks in. However, I had the potential to do better. On the other hand, I feel like this is good. I now know what I need to know. There were some key words that I neglected on the assumption that I could get away with not knowing them - how wrong I was. This motivates me a lot. 

Also what happened today was that I realised that I needed to start my qualitative analysis again. I had spent so much time and effort finding articles and searching stuff up. I was so annoyed and stressed most of the day. However, upon starting again, I now feel better. It is sort of like my personal statement. To get the foundations, it took me ages! I spent my summer perpetually starting sentences and scratching them out. However, once I got the gist of it, I finished the personal statement in three days despite starting again. This is a learning curve - I am sure that many people will tell me this. 

In addition to this, my mum called me today crying. I felt like crap after that because I could not do anything to comfort her. I could not hug her. She was all alone. On some level, I thought, I should be there. I should not have left my family. On another level, I thought, I am glad that I do not have to deal with this. However, I feel incredibly bad for feeling this way. Also, I felt sad on my mother's behalf. Along with the stress of my essay, everything just felt like a tangled ball of ugliness and confusion. 

However, when I came back to my room, I saw a friend. He instantly made me happy because today he gave me a muffin and he texted me and there was a smiley and I thought, awwww how cute. But then other people came into the kitchen and he sort of became a little withdrawn. He gets very nervous around other people. He wouldn't even make any eye contact with me. He ate his food fast and then fled. It was sad to watch because when it is just the two of us, he smiles, makes jokes and he maintains eye contact. I really just want to be there for him but I do not know how to be there for him apart from being his friend. 

What I am grateful for

Here is a list of what I am grateful for.

You may want to make one of these lists Bob maybe? I remember there was a while where I was a complete mess in year 11 and you told me to write a list of 50 things worth living for (or something along those line) and at the time I could only thing of three. I

The high point of my day

Today started off really bad.

Firstly, I was rather sleep deprived. I woke up in the middle of the night (screaming) and struggled to get back to sleep. So instead of bouncing out of bed as usual, I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed dreading the day to come.

Against better reasoning, I did not drink coffee. Instead, I headed off to my tutorial. If my first thing was not the tutorial, I wouldn't have left my bed. I would have readily skipped my statistic lecture and seminar - that was just the mood I was in. However, I like my tutor and her office and concluded that it would cheer me up.

So yeah, that was the high point of my day - the tutorial.

I don't know. I was having a dream and I thought that something was stuck in my throat and that I was dying and so in the dream I screamed.

The scream did not actually leave my throat - or so I thought. This was till some of the people in my halls got up and began to wonder what the sound was. 

 Ever since coming uni. I feel a lot more in control of my eating. Before, it used to be so bad. I'd sometimes have four meals a day and they would be quite big and then I'd snack as well. I would have so much of a struggle when it came to spending three hours not eating. The worse thing as well is that I ate so much processed food and bad fats and sugars. During the summer was the worse especially because I ended up eating so much fast food. 

Now everything has changed. :) 

I only eat three meals a day and snack very little if not at all.  If I do snack, then it is on fruit or cucumber. The change is so drastic and I am so proud of myself. I have mostly cut out bad fats from my diets. No oil, ready meals, processed meats and pastries. I have mostly cut out meat from my diet as well. When I say this, I mean, I have only had meet twice but these were on occasions where I was not cooking and someone else was so I didn't have much of a say. I only wanted to cut down on meat and not fish but I have sort of stopped eating fish frequently too. Also, I eat so much more vegetables and get most of my proteins from eggs. Currently, my only problem is the amount of carbs I eat but it is still less than before and it is in moderation. As for biscuits and sweets, I have stopped eating sweets for the most part. As for biscuits and crisps, it is more of a case that if someone offers me some, I will eat it. If not, then I do not need it. I have not lot any weight (as I have not been doing much exercise). However, I feel so much healthier and better about myself as a result. 

I will start exercising soon. I have a lot of late starts to facilitate an early morning jog. I just need to get into the habit. 

The Great Game

An achievement which I am proud to announce is that on the first week of Uni, I was able to have a conversation with every person on the 3rd and 2nd floor of my accommodation. Even better, I planned a Sunday hangout to watch the Bridget Jones movie. So socially, I am not failing in Uni life.

I told Alicia that I could tell her everyone who lived in all of the rooms on the 2nd and 3rd floor and I could tell her three things about them. This did not work and the rest of the following day, I spent thinking 'crap, I do not know everyone,' resulting in me getting out paper and making a list of who lived where, what their names are and what degree they do plus and interesting fact. It eventually got completed and it turned out that the reason why I was confused as to where people lived is that there was no 212, 213, or 214. The rooms went from 211 to 215 and so the three people I thought  did not know do not exist.

I ended up sticking the lists on the kitchen doors.

What happened yesterday was that some first floors came up to the second floor as they were curious and I, being bored, played a game. Can you guess what my name is from the list? It wasn't an easy task seeing as there were 24 people to chose from, but being nice I gave them some clues.

I do a degree that no one else on the floors do.
I like messing with people.
I am a Londoner.
I speak only English,

It took them twenty minutes because I wrote my names as Trevor/Linda/Olugbemi and they were certain that Trevor was a boy. To further mess with them, I started to write whether anyone likes Harry Potter on the list and I was like 'I think Trevor does, but I am not sure,"

Eventually they got it because I told them to look carefully at the list. I like messing with people - who on the list looks like they would do so? In my description, I wrote: dubious person. Talkative. Claims to be adopted. When they clocked on, they were like, oh, that makes sense.

I managed to lock myself outside of my way five days in.

That wasn't the worse of it. I had no shoes (but socks).

I called everyone who could help but no one was available so I was left with the option of walking to student reception and getting a temporary key.

Only I had no shoes. :( So Alicia, who is a size 5, borrowed me her crocs. They were waaaaay too small and so I walked in socks anyway.

Though no one noticed.

I thought it would be a record, five days in. However, someone locked themselves out of their room within hours.

Bridget Jone's Baby

I planned to go watch the Bridget Jone's movie with Alicia. A girl I met who lives on the floor below me. I have literally spent most of my time with her. 

However, as I told other people of my plans, they were like, oooh can we come to?

So like ten people from the 3rd and 2nd floor of my accommodation went to watch the movie and now we are planning to have regular weekend hangouts. 

Birthday

One of my flat mates had his birthday today so everyone surprised him.

One of the girls (who is Italian) made him Pizza and cake and I made sure he wouldn't see into the kitchen. Another girl made sure that when he was coming up, everyone knew. It was quite cool.

Hello world,

First of all, what I would like to say is that people are sometimes that are based on their opinion need not apply to you. 

People said that first year is so chill and it is like A levels.

People said that it would take so long to make friends and that for ages, you will have no one you can trust. 

People were like, it is so difficult and everyone drinks and parties. 

 

Dreadful anticipation

Today at the Foodbank, I had to explain to a girl that I wouldn't be gone for just a week as she thought. That I will be going for ten weeks. She is half my age and so the nature of our friendship is mainly us playing computer games and talking about random stuff. As she is so young, she does not really understand my reasons for leaving and she was so distraught that she began to beat me up and made me promise that for her birthday I will take her to the arcade and that I will come to her house in the holiday.

Everything was sort of centred around me going. Everyone was telling me good luck and after every body left we had a meal together. It was so sort of final with all the goodbyes and presents and it is like, why is everyone making a big deal about things?

Only, it feels now like SUCH A BIG DEAL and it is like, how did I fail to comprehend that I am taking this MASSIVE step out into the unknown? I will know scarcely anyone and I will be responsible for EVERYTHING and I realize now how sort of vulnerable that makes a person if that kind of makes sense.

I am leaving my childhood behind and it feels so bad.


I remember when Andrew (old priest) left the church, he wrote all the young adults a letter and that at the moment is an inspiration for me (like three years later). I did not understand then and now I do. (Perhaps I should email Andrew to tell him this or would that be weird?) Anyway he wrote:

I arrived home at 11:14 pm today. I had an impromptu meeting at the cinema with a friend. I thought mum would be pissed but she was chill. And it is a bit emotional because I have just realised how hard it will be for my parents with me leaving. Like I will be gone and then it will not matter if I am home before 10:00 pm. I just want to cry and hug them and tell them I love them and spend time with them.

Epiphany

I don't want to go. I don't want all this freedom.

Oh shit, I have literally just realised how big a step this is.

What the f have I got myself into?!

Thank you

Okay, so on Saturday i got a bunch of leaving presents and I was really touched. So even though I arrived home at 10:40 pm, I set to work making thank you cards. As well as this, I watched the Chamber of Secrets (and complained so much about the differences between the book and movie). I went to sleep past midnight because midway through making cards, my brother started to pour out his heart to me. It was a tiny bit weird because he was so unrestrained which is not common for him.

On Sunday, I went to go find R to give him some chocolates and a card. Alas, he was not there. (So I will get my sister to give him a card for me next week, I guess.)

On Monday, I gave Mohammed a thank you card and chocolates. My brother came home with the same chocolates that I gave him. I got slightly offended because like how can I give someone chocolates only for them to give them to my brother who brings them home. Like it is not discrete at all.

Today, I went back to the foodbank to talk to Saba. We were midway through talking and she was like, 'oh by the way, he stuck it up' and I turned around and saw the card I made for him and I was happy. I thought about it and to be frank, if someone bought me chocolates I wouldn't eat it either. Therefore I no longer feel offended.

Hello guys,

I'm so happy and I am lucky that I am surrounded by great people.

Today we had a volunteer / goodbye Linda dinner at Jimmy's. It was really cool and I was so overwhelmed because they paid for all of us and I got presents.

Mohammed asked my sister to ask me if I am buying my pans and pots in Warwick or here. So he bought me a pots and pans set and I was so overwhelmed. I would have hugged him if it weren't sort of inappropiate.

Vivetha presented me with a box of chocolates and Adham got me perfume. He apparently worried I'd beat him up for getting a bad present. However, I was so surprised and pleased.

To add to that, when I before I got into the car, Fahim gave me a box and I was confused. As in, why am I holding this and then he explained that it was a goodbye gift and I was all like thank you.

And then the night before, Rikesh got me 160 pounds in gift vouchers and indian food.

I feel so special and lucky. However, I feel bad at the same time. I don't deserve all this kindness and special treatment. With Rikesh, it was even more overwhelming in that sort of way because he seeked me out. He decided to get to know me and to treat me and like no strings attached. Just to be kind and just because he felt that I deserved a treat.

Its really cool if that makes sense and I want to be like that. Being kind to others just to be kind.

Also, by the way, this is the first blog post I have done on my phone. :)

* By 

Work

I am now a part time student librarian  in college up until I start Uni. I no longer work with my old colleague from last year. However the guy I am working with is pretty cool. He spent his summer working three jobs so that he could pay to buy a car and he is working three jobs currently and studying through his break times to get distinctions in all his business BTEC. I admire that dedication.

I talked to one of the librarians tonight. Imagine, I have been there for two years and I have never had a conversation with him. We talked about Psychology. He did it back in his day alongside computing which was like 16 years ago. He asked where I was going and we talked about how back in his day 77 pounds for accomodation would have been considered expensive.

The letter

I am happy. The other day I wrote a letter to a friend and I delivered it to her house but it was 10:00pm and so she was asleep. She messaged me today telling me that I made her day :) The letter itself was just me telling her that she is a strong and amazing person, because I don't think she hears that enough and she has been through so much recently.  

At first I thought it would be awkward me sending her a letter because she is a relatively new friend and we don't talk often. However, sometimes there are things that some people need to hear. Actually saying them instead of thinking ohmygosh, I am going to look so weird can make all the difference. 

It is times like this that I cannot actually wait to leave.

Yesterday my sister borrowed money from me to buy a text book and she said she would pay me back today. So I ask her for my money back and the girl has the bloody audacity to bite my head off for doing her a favour. I thought f it. I cannot wait to live with people who are grateful and appreciative of other people as opposed to spiteful.

Also, the other day, water spilled on one of the laptops and my mum was angry understandably. What I did not like was that she used me as the scapegoat and yelled at me. The laptop wouldn't have been damaged if you did not take it downstairs, she said. Whilst I tried to explain that I wasn't even using it. I didn't leave it in the kitchen. My brother did. Therefore he should have brought it up. I didn't pour water on the laptop, my sister did. What the hell was it that I did? But no, she had no idea how to listen so she just continued shouting at me. She was even like, I will never forgive you for letting this happen. For F sake. I dislike how people need to find a scapegoat for all their problems. However, I should be used to it by now, having been blamed for all the problems in her marriage a number of occasions. That blew over and then she came to me and tried to argue with me and she was like 'Just stop arguing and accept all the blame for the laptop being damaged,'

That will happen when she learns how to listen.

Which I don't see happening anytime soon.

The Talk

There is this guy - let us call him R. He volunteers at the foodbank on Sundays and I used to volunteer with him. However he came in on a Friday and he asked me about Uni and when I told him I was going Warwick, he was like, come on Sunday and I will help you with stuff.

The entire of today I was dreading turning up. It would be awkward, I told myself. I talked to him yes, but never like a proper conversation. I turned up anyhow because he had been adamant about me coming in. He said at least three times and that isn't even exaggeration.

I turned up anyhow and we went outside and talked. It was an interesting conversation. He started off asking me if I have had everything sorted with accommodation and finances and then suggested that I get a job and asked me if I had been there. Then he asked why I wanted to go outside London and I sort of gave him the half truth - my wish of independence and my parents not agreeing with my choice of subject.

Then he asked me about societies. What I am interested in and what about them interests me and so we talked about the use of drugs to treat conditions and then we talked about whether the welfare state is the best decision. Then he probed me about my motivation academically. I intended to give him vague crap about wanting do well for the sake of it but he sort of knew already that there is more to what motivates me than simply wanting to do well. So I ended up being honest without realising that I was doing so.

And also he invited me out with his friends. One went Warwick and one I met briefly on Friday. He suggested that we go somewhere fancy in Central London and sort of celebrate me going to uni.

I thought it would be super awkward but he was really nice and he listened to what I said and sort of actually cared about what I said which was quite cool. At the end, he told me that he told me to come in the first place because when he was applying to Uni, he didn't have anyone to sort of tell him how everything goes. Also he felt sort of connected to me because he knew that I did academically well and thought that other people may not sort of understand me.

Hello world,


I think that I have figured out how I am getting to Warwick.

Hayat, being the lovely person she is, offered to come with me to take my stuff up there.

I was thinking yesterday. What if I made a huge mistake? 

Actually I was overthinking. I was thinking, Oh crap did I just ruin the whole of my future. Although that was an exaggeration and I realized that today. 

Psychology. Why... why did I do that? Because I enjoy the subjects. It's biology and statistics and writing and more grey areas than facts and that appeals to me. It is thinking and questioning. It seems interesting. I picked the subject because I though I would enjoy it. 

The problem is that now I am thinking of it in terms of: will I get a job in the field? What if I go into medicine after? Wouldn't those three years have been a waste? What if I end up working in TESCO's? How will I look after my family? Will I make money?

And it really sucks that I am thinking like this. But realistically, doesn't this world revolved around money? Could a person honestly say that they didn't care about money at all or anything materialistic?

I personally don't think so. 

So the question is ultimately, do I follow my heart and do something I love? Or do I do a degree (like medicine) that had a pretty much 100 percent graduate prospect? 

Everyone, my mum got a job yesterday :)

I just realized actually that she is rather quite qualified when it comes to the care sector. It is just that she hasn't got English GCSE's.

I am so proud of her.

The education system is really annoying.

I read an article saying the GCSE pass rates have decline. I do not understand the complaints when the grade boundaries are fixed so that only a certain proportion of people get a certain grade. If they want more people to get the grades then how about lowering grade boundaries?

It annoys me that some people are like, we have to make exams harder. People who say this obviously have not taken exams because it is not just exams. It is your whole future in 2 hours. It is pressure building up and a diminished social life and stress. Sure, some people thrive regarding exams. However, a lot of people crumble. There are people completely traumatized by education as a result of exams. People completely overwhelmed by all of life's problems as well as a grade that will determine a their choices.

Today

I got all my money back for my remarks. All £130. I feel like a shopping spree. Also, I feel a lot better off. My B is now an A. I have my papers back and my confidence (well most of it) has been restored. (I say this because leggit, one of my fears was failing academically by my own standards - this means getting B's or below. Getting a B to me is like getting a U for some people.)

I saw Agata in her boyfriend's car today and I was a tiny bit jealous. Not at the fact that Agata has a boyfriend but that he has a car. He is 19 and has a car and drives it. That is so cool. I want a car. I don't like the idea of driving, but like I want a car.

I am tutoring my sisters boyfriend biology. I told him that if he does not take me seriously, I will drop him like a hot potato. (And I mean it!)

I will be collecting my younger brothers GCSE results tomorrow.

The plan is, if it is good, I will call him and tell him.

If it is bad, I will tell nobody and hide it.

He thinks it will be bad as he started revising for his exams on the day and the grade boundaries are high. :(

If it is bad, but not awful, I will go with him to Harrow College and plead with them to give him a chance.

Yesterday, I made dream jars wit

All you can eat

Guys, I went Jimmy's today with my sisters and Anthony.

Mohammed was supposed to come but he felt ill - yet he is going in for work eater because he was like, I'll see you in my office later. So that is a bit iffy.

Long story short, I felt sick before eating so that feeling increased afterwards.

Lies get you nowhere. 

I may have told a lie which has sort of come back to haunt me. 

:) Great! 

Update

I was not able to find a job. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough? Maybe... maybe I did not even want a job?

Everything is a little bit busy at the moment which is great but sucks a little bit.

I am in Mencap on Mondays. It is really great helping the people with learning disabilities as it makes me sort of think about stuff I take for granted. I can feed myself and communicate in such a way that people will understand me. However, for some of the people I have met, it is an immense struggle to do these things.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my days off. Instead of making plans with friends, I feel so overwhelmed with having most of my week planned and I end up doing something spontaneous or going out with friends. However, I next week. we may be going Jimmys on Tuesday (my siblings, Anthony, Mohammed and I) and on Wednesday I will force myself to make plans with either Zeinab or Victoria and we will go somewhere green.

On Thursdays, I am in Wembley library volunteering. This is my third year and so the staff love me and we have built a really good rapport. However, I look forward to volunteering her least. After a year of stacking books in work, I have grown tired of doing so. Although, that is not to say that that is my only role. I also supervise other volunteers because I am apparently more experienced. Also, I get to talk. However, the problem is, in a shitty mood, there is so much pressure to smile and communicate and I cannot handle that well.

On Fridays, I volunteer at Sufra. I love that place so much. It is a home away from home. I help out looking after the children and they are so great. Also, I also talk to people and so that is good as well.

Satudays for the rest of this month are earmarked for Sufra, helping out. Sunday is church day.

You know what would be nice

You know what would be really nice?

If Joy made me breakfast.

Church Picnic

There was a picnic in church today and my sister and I stayed.

At first, I found a spot on the grass and started to read Harry Potter and the Deathly hallows. I sat there and tried to avoid eye contact, which was hard because these children attacking my little sister with pillows and teddy bears. I kept looking up and trying to make them stop but it was fruitless.

I then decided that I'd join the Patel family because they have always been nice to me and I was like, I may as communicate with people.

I've actually been meaning to talk to their mum - she is a psychologist and for 2 years now I have been beating

Update

Hello people

I am good, good, good

that is pretty much it

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/for-the-record_us_57855586e4b03fc3ee4e626f?

Today

I had a really nice day today.

I went to Holland Park with Victoria A and we caught up about life which was good.

It was really beautiful and I think that it will be my next inspiration when I draw.

At 4:00pm I had a meeting in the Living Room which is a place near where I live where they help people find jobs.

Initially, I was hesitant about going there because I did not want to engage in conversation with anyone.

However, I told myself to shut up and went anyway.

One of the ladies who works there, who I will be seeing weekly until I find a job, is so nice.

So it is all cool.



Agata got into Edinbrugh on biomedical sciences.

I am happy for her. Obviously.

However, like it is Edinbrugh.

I checked the distance from Oxford to Edinbrugh - 6 hours.

And from Warwick is 5 hours.

And from London is 7 hours.

All I know is that where ever we are will be far away from each other.

And it is so soon and close which scares me a little?

Like what the actual f***

Brighton Trip

When we eventually reached Brighton, even though google assured me that it would be raining, the view was picturesque.

The clouds were thick, plump and fluffy. The sky behind was clouds was a dull grey color, but as the day progressed, the colour became a pale blue.

The sea, in my opinion, was magical. From afar, the water that washed up on the stones was a white colour, but around the middle, it became a faint minty green colour and a palish blue. However, upon standing on the beach, we saw that the white that I saw from a far was actually a murky brown colour. The waves were rather sharp and they pretty much roared whilst the wind whistled.


The day prior to the trip, I bought headphones. I was preparing myself to an isolated time. My aim was to in the coach and listen to my Doctor who audio book. Then when I got bored, I'd finish the third Harry Potter book and if the journey got rather tedious, I'd play some Sudoku. It did not go down like that. Mahamood came as well to the beach. He would not stop trying to get everyone to talk. Eventually, we all caved and a started to discuss how we voted in the EU referendum (or would have voted if they were bothered to register). I kept trying to sleathly slip my headphones into my ear, but Mahamood who did not have his, would not allow me to. Eventually, just to get some respite, I pretended to sleep.

(Though that did not stop us from bickering all day.)

 I am not ordinarily a fan of beaches. Let us get you incredibly high (metaphorically) in order to make it easier for us to pry away your cash from your fingers. They sold fish and chips for seven pounds. And you just have to have fish and chips (ships, if I were talking) when you go to the beach, so what is seven pounds? Oh and the doughnuts and ice cream. Yes, I am supposed to be on a diet... but it is only today! Here is more money. Don't get me started on the arcades where you deposit money into a machine that occasionally spits out coins or tokens (probably optimizing probability to ensure that you aren't ready to leave even though you've already lost a tenner.)  I still retain that view. Nonetheless, I found the experience enjoyable. I looked for pretty rocks on the beach and the girls (there were 4 others) were all really quite cool so we sat on the beach, talked and ate.

We returned to Harrow at 3:30pm and thanked Nick, the driver (a physics teacher who intended on retiring). He was the so nice and easy to engage in conversation with and it did not feel awkward calling him by his name,

Mahamood and I had got into a little argument before we entered the coach to return, so I ignored him for the rest of the journey. I even considered getting on the train (as we get the same bus home) just to avoid him, because he really annoyed me. However, we reconciled - by pretending that nothing had happened - and I followed him TSB.

I saw my mother's friend and I was like, crap, she cannot see us together because the minute I get home, my mum will probably be like, Linda, do you have a boyfriend (to which the answer has always been no) and then, she'd sit me down and give me the whole education before boys lecture. (All my mum's friend tell her if they have seen us with boys, unfortunately.) Become increasingly frustrated, because having friends who are boys (or the one friend, in my case) does not mean that I am involved with them. Upon trying to explain that to my mum, I usually hit a nerve and we end up not talking and angry at each other. I wanted to avoid all that, but still say hi, (because she was once my primary school teacher and she was nice). I told Mahamood, there is my mum's friend and so he waited for me further down the street.

Because I cannot sit around at home all day eating pizza, watching romcoms and writing fanfiction

I realized on Sunday that I was missing studying. 

It has been almost a week since I have stopped studying and 5 days since the exams. During the past month, I have been feeling overwhelmed by work and that I have had to do. I have been extremely eager at the prospect: relaxing, meeting friends and engaging in my hobbies. 

Now I am on the other side, let me tell you, the grass is no greener. I wanted to be free from education so much that I neglected that summer has it's pitfalls as well. Foremost, I am aimless. I don't have to go to sleep early and I have nothing to wake up for. (Though I do not say this in a suicidal way of course.) Just that, I have nothing that I am invested in really. 

Yes, I have had a lot of time to engage in hobbies. I read the first Harry Potter book in one day. Started on another book and decide half way that I did not like it. Now I am half way through the third Harry Potter book and this was from Saturday. I have not been out with any friends yet, but I shall make sure to call them up one by one after this week is over. Also, I shall be going to Brighton on Thursday so that counts as social contact. 

However, I think I need something that will take up most of my day, so I have decided to throw myself into volunteering and trying to find a job. 

How has the job search gone so far? Well, I got rejected by McDonald's twice and by Tesco four times. Though, I am not really downhearted because apparently McDonald's take people who don't have much ambition / that don't want to leave in a hurry so they do not have to continuously hire people. 

I went to Sufra to talk to Mohammed and we discussed what I can do to help out. The idea was that I help out in the food academy by keeping the children occupied and by talking to people - encouraging them to open up and talk about their situation which sounds pretty cool. I am in the process of thinking about it.  

Also, in the library, I fixed up my CV and the lady beside me started to help me apply for stuff and I was so happy because like she could have just left me to my own devices. 

Furthermore, I went an agency that helps people in the estate that I live in to find jobs and I have a meeting tomorrow at 3.00. 

I went Jimmy's with Lima today to celebrate no more exams and I met Lamis before the exam and we caught up and discussed life.

My exams are finally finally finally over.

Guess what?

I did something else other than study today!

I was volunteering sort of.

BHP made a video about Brent and as I am a member of the BHP youth newsletter group, I was asked if I can help out.

At the time, two weeks ago, I was disillusioned and actually said yes.

However, as time wore on, I found myself dreading helping out. I considered making some phony excuse to get out of it. For instance, I have an exam today. Oops, never realized. Silly me.

I heaved myself out of bed this morning and turned up anyhow.

This was in the civic centre and I was stood out at the front, with this lady, directing people where to go.

At first I was alone, and this girl Samara was supposed to come and help me but she was late and I was like f***.

We watched the video - which was rather good and well composed, considering that the filming all happened in two days and that Nadia - the lady in charge of the film and the youth newsletter - literally managed to get so many people to participate.

So yeah, I helped out for like three hours and talked to Samara a bit and they let me take photos with an expensive camera. ( I don't know what possessed them to let me do so.)

I survived today.

I was so happy.



I had two exams. Psychology and Chemistry.

The night before yesterday I did not get much sleep because I drank some tea which I dd not think would have caffiene in but it did.

I really could not sleep.


Yesterday night, I was so worried that I'd start my period because I knew that if I did, I certainly would not be getting much sleep at all.

Two bad nights in a row and  two exams to not make a good combination.

Fortunately, that did not happen and I was well rested and I did both the exams.


In my unit 1 psychology, I was really worries because I answered all the questions but did not read over my answers.

You're probably thinking, you're a drama queen. You answered all the questions, so that is a good sign right?

Well I need an A* so no, not reading over is a huge deal.



Today, however, I had plenty of time to read over my answers.

I am being ropped into helping Paula with revision tomorrow for three hours. (Three hours is all I would agree too). 

If she turns up late, I will go home. But I do not think she will, because she's desperate. 

I agreed 

Today

Today was a good day. 

Most days recently, all I have been doing is staying at home studying. Not exactly burning myself out, but nearly reaching myself out. 

I just want the exams to be over at the moment. 

I had a psychology exam on Wednesday and I ran after the exam because I did not wish to discuss it or classify it as good or bad, or I got an A* or I got a U. I didn't want to get all irrational with emotions. However, there are rumors going around that I did really badly in the exam because I did not want to talk to anyone. Just to leave people in college - everyone apart from Evelin - in suspense, I shall continue to run after exams and refuse to confirm anything. The thing that bothers me about the rumors is that perhaps some people will hear them and think, good she wasn't happy about the exam - she deserves once in a while to fail / do badly. I am not being paranoid here by saying this because some people have actually expressed this. Like once for a practical exam I did not do too well and one girl actually said, it is good that you fail too.

Okay, so today. 

I did some revision. Obviously.

Then I went out to meet Alex. We went to Morrisons to buy the library staff cakes to sort of say thank you for having us work there for the year. This is because Alex no longer will be working there and I finish in 3 weeks. 

I was so nervous. Like what do I say because Alex insisted that she would not be doing the talking. 

At the end, we improvised. I did the talking. It was really awkward. I was like, we got everyone a cake and they were happy and like, you didn't have to.

Then we left and I was going to go home but Alex and I talked for a couple of hours and she's so great really. We talked about life and random stuff. It is sad that I won't really be working with her anymore. 

My first exam didn't go too well.
It was weird really. It was supposed to be the easiest. I had started studying for this one as soon as summer started and I knew everything - well I thought I did. I even predicted what would come up and most of my predictions did indeed come up. What happened was that I couldn't finish the paper so I did not get the opportunity to read through my work. Also, one of the 12 marks threw me off. There were two injunctions - describe and compare. I did the describe just fine but the compare was all over the place. I don't think I did spectacularly bad. It is just that I was supposed to do spectacularly well as I need an A* and I thought I could manage that in psychology. I may just be over exaggerating. I mean, last year I came out of an exam crying and another, I though I'd failed, but overall I got and A, so I did not do as bad as I thought I did.

Psychology exam 1

Babies have holes in their hearts

Did you know that before they are born, babies have a hole in their hearts?

We carry oxygen and glucose in our blood and the heart pumps it around the body.

The left ventricle pumps blood to the systemic system (body) and the right to the pulmonary (lungs).

However, a fetus receives it's oxygen from it's mothers blood.

The placenta is a region where the mother and fetus's blood interact.

When the baby is born, the hole in the heart closes.

Yesterday was a great day

Yesterday was an amazing day.

Agata had a surprise for our birthdays. 

She was like, dress smart and that we'd be going to Piccadilly Circus. 

We arrived there early and walked around Central London. I felt as if I had stepped into a fairy tale. The buildings were all meticulously designed and there were statues and fountains and it was just so magical. 

I have only been central London a handful of times and each time, it amazes me because everything is new and wonderful. 

Though what isn't is all the people begging and sleeping on the streets. It is really unfortunate that in a city so bright and beautiful and wealthy (relatively) that people lie or sit there, drenched in rain and covered in dirt.

Anyway, what happened was that we walked around and we were outside National Art Gallery. There was this lady drawing a picture of a horse out of chalk on the ground and it was amazing. What is even more, is that she didn't have like a picture of a horse, so it was presumably from memory. 

It turned out the surprise was that we were going to watch the Phantom of the opera which I hadn't at all expected. It was a great surprise, because sometimes the things we do not ask for or consider are the best. The theater itself was so cool even though it was under construction. The ceiling was gold and there were patterns carved into it so that was really cool. 

What I found really amazing wasn't the play itself. Although the play was pretty awesome. (Though the plot was a little tricky to follow at times). That everyone knew what to do when and how was really cool. The orchestra was live and they could not actually see the play so they must have been coordinating their music to what the actor was saying. The stage varied a lot. There was a crashed chandelier at one stage. At one point, the stage was supposed to be a lake with a boat on it. At another instance, it had a room. They changed scenes so efficiently and quickly. The spot light followed the main character around and she was moving pretty fast at times and the lighting changed and there were so many special effects. And the planning, dedication, training and effort that must have went into all of that, is just astounding to think about. Also, the costumes were magnificent. They were so colorful and sparkly. The opera singers were singing to much and I could not help but think, wow, how don't you lose your voice?

So yeah, that was amazing. 

I also had somewhere else to be last night. Sufra - the food bank I sort of volunteer in - was having an annual dinner party. I had to attend whether I was late and even though all I wanted to do was go home and study. I sort of felt obligated to support it as I volunteer there. 

I was supposed to get there early, seeing as we finished at the theater rather early. However, being an absolute genius, I got off at Willesden Junction instead of Stonebridge park. I was completely unaware that there was a Wembley Stadium event so that the traffic would be hell.

Long story short, I made it there just on time, but I had to get off the bus in Harlesden and walk down to Stonebrigde. (Can't really complain about the exercise though.) 

As soon as I arrived, I located my sisters and friends. They were all busy helping serving good - they did not need my help. As a result, I went on a walk with Anthony and we talked about life and everything. He asked me if I actually really went on a date with Agata (as I told them that I did) and I told him that we are just best friends and that we're not really together (which he still does not believe.) Then we started talking about whether I actually like guys though because apparently I do not talk about being attracted / liking anyone of the opposite gender and I've only ever made a comment like 'That guy is good looking'  once. Then we went back inside for find everyone else. 

My brother was doing a bit of a speech because the owner of the food bank and him are friends I unfortunately missed it because as a volunteer I was needed to pack up the food and put them in containers. I was actually quite fun I was talking to Joy's friend (let's call her Z) whose incredibly shy. The first time when I asked her about herself, she politely told me that she'd rather not tell me about herself. Then I was like, oh, do you feel a bit shy I'll tell you about myself and I talked for 15 minutes. Then eventually, she told me a bit about herself. She likes singing and drawing and she considers Joy as her sister and the first time she talked to her, she couldn't even look her in the eyes because she was so shy. She is literally the cutest.

I had been planning to do at least 2 hours of revision when I got home. However, it was 10:45 when we returned and I was absolutely shattered. However, it was a great day. It is not often at all that I willingly spend like 10 hours not studying without feeling guilty and without being s sleep so that was a great experience. 

Hello everyone

Today was a good day.

To begin, I was exasperated.

I made plans with a friend to revise in college library and I thought, crap, all I want to do is hide at home and study.

But I went and it was great and I had a really nice time. :)

I also talked to Lima whose really great.

So yeah, it was a good day.

I am feeling a little bit stressed though.

Exams are on my doorstep.

Just my opinion

I heard the story about Johnny Depp allegedly hitting his wife.

I read comments because I suspected that there would be a lot of arguments as to whether she was domestically abused or not. 

What really annoyed me was all the people calling her a liar and manipulative. 

All the people who are so quick to blame her. I am not saying she is telling the truth - how could I possibly know. 

But it is really saddening when people come out with rape and abuse allegations and all people do is victim blame or call them liars. Imagine if people are telling the truth. How horrible it must be to suffer from abuse or rape. People go through a lot of police questioning and some, through humiliation. Some people may feel broken or like they can never trust again or like they can never be the person who they were before. Then there are people calling you a liar or manipulative and blaming you. It's really sad :(