Disarray

I am a bit unsure with how I am feeling today. 

 

I did a biology section online assessment. I did not fail but I did not do as well as I should have. I realised that there is so much that I do not know. I know that I am not expected to be an expert five weeks in. However, I had the potential to do better. On the other hand, I feel like this is good. I now know what I need to know. There were some key words that I neglected on the assumption that I could get away with not knowing them - how wrong I was. This motivates me a lot. 

Also what happened today was that I realised that I needed to start my qualitative analysis again. I had spent so much time and effort finding articles and searching stuff up. I was so annoyed and stressed most of the day. However, upon starting again, I now feel better. It is sort of like my personal statement. To get the foundations, it took me ages! I spent my summer perpetually starting sentences and scratching them out. However, once I got the gist of it, I finished the personal statement in three days despite starting again. This is a learning curve - I am sure that many people will tell me this. 

In addition to this, my mum called me today crying. I felt like crap after that because I could not do anything to comfort her. I could not hug her. She was all alone. On some level, I thought, I should be there. I should not have left my family. On another level, I thought, I am glad that I do not have to deal with this. However, I feel incredibly bad for feeling this way. Also, I felt sad on my mother's behalf. Along with the stress of my essay, everything just felt like a tangled ball of ugliness and confusion. 

However, when I came back to my room, I saw a friend. He instantly made me happy because today he gave me a muffin and he texted me and there was a smiley and I thought, awwww how cute. But then other people came into the kitchen and he sort of became a little withdrawn. He gets very nervous around other people. He wouldn't even make any eye contact with me. He ate his food fast and then fled. It was sad to watch because when it is just the two of us, he smiles, makes jokes and he maintains eye contact. I really just want to be there for him but I do not know how to be there for him apart from being his friend.