Today

Yesterday

My subwarden emailed me, telling me that she contacted a health care person she works with and told her about J's situation. That we had to tell him to go see her or that they would. I was so worried because I thought breaking it to J would make him feel betrayed. So Alicia and me went to her room to ask. She was like we have time because from what we have said, she does not think J is suicidal even if he jokes about it. She was like, I could wait until Monday after my meeting with the well being service to talk to him. She was also like we didn't need to tell him we talked to her. 

Today 

I had an interview from 3:30pm to 7:00 which Alicia was also doing. This was for the welcome service at Warwick. 

There were 170 being interviewed and there are 120 jobs. Therefore, statistically, I am less likely to be rejected compared to accepted. However, rejection is still a possibility. 

I looked at my emails and it turns out that I am really busy next week. I felt so overwhelmed. Monday, I start at 9. Then I finish at 10. As 10, I need to be at the well being service at a different part of campus. At 11 - 1, I have stats. From 3, I have another meeting. On Tuesday, I have a lecture from 9 - 10. Then 11 to 5 solid. Then at around 7, I agreed to take part on a psychology pub quiz which I can't back out of now. Then Wednesday, my essay is due. I won't have much time on Monday or Tuesday to do my essay. So I have to do it from today and during the weekend. That will mean that I have to focus on it and I will be unable to catch up with anything else hence falling behind further. Then there is all the experiments I have to do for the course. Added on top of that, tomorrow, I have to cook for 7 people.

I went to check up on J and he wasn't good at all. I think he'd been crying. I stood there thinking, it is either I deal with him or go do work. He was giving a look like please do not leave me. Please don't go. I need you. 

Guess what I did? I left. I asked if he was okay and he mumbled a very unconvincing yes. I was like, well that is good. See you later. 

I felt like absolute crap. 

I went to my room and I nearly cried. I was thinking, damn it, I have so much work to do. I need to breathe. What the hell? I am such a bad friend for leaving him when he looks so awful and when I know without doubt that he needs me. Stop being so selfish and deal with him. 

So I messaged him telling him to come up. 

We talked for a bit. Then I sighed and was like, dude, I am worried about you. I am going to be absolutely honest with you, I think you need to seek help. I think that you should talk to our subwarden. 

And he was like, yes, he thinks he needs help and that he will go talk to her. I was like, are you sure you are not just saying that? Are you sure you won't back out?

He replied, yes. And said thank you and that it is good that I care about him. Then I was like, Alicia and I have been so worried about you and we've been planning to tell you to go talk to someone for a while but we decided we'd wait. Then I told him that I know it is hard to seek help when you're not alright. 

Then I was like, let's go and see the subwarden now before you change your mind and he agreed. She wasn't in, so I texted her and she set up a meeting for tomorrow at 5pm. He said he will go if I push him too.

We sat in silence for a bit. He held my hands. His were really soft. 

So yes, progress. I'm tired but I am happy.