I went Hyde Park with my friend Victoria. My parents thought that I was in the library.
First of all, I would like to go on about how my life literally revolves around library. I never realised until this guy was like 'where are you heading?' and when my reply was library, he told me that I am always in the library. Then I thought, I am not always in libraries - am I? I thought about it; the other day I saw Wendy - she works in the local library outside school - and I said hello to her. it's not just that; I probably talk to most of the librarians who work there and with some it is a first name, sometimes give a hug basis. Then there's the librarian I added on Facebook. I must be there regularly if I have had time to build a rapport. Since this library has opened, I have been there so often that there should probably be a seat reserved for me. Not only did I do work experience there, but I also had my face hanged up on a banner to represent the library and whenever people are like 'let's meet up' we almost always meet up in the library. It is not even that. I go to other libraries for 'a change in scenery.' I realised a couple days after that I spend way too much time in the library. And the thing is, I hardly actually do anything productive; I mostly just talk and procrastinate. The irony is that a lot of people think she goes libraries a lot; that is why she gets good grades - truth is I probably would get a lot more done.
See and it is not just recently; the whole library going thing. In year six I was a library monitor in primary school. In year seven I would go to the library with friends and we would eat lunch there and hide between the bookshelves and in year ten, I was crowned 'the person who comes to the library the most' and most of the year group sang my name. In fact when my mum would not let me go to the British Library, my dad insisted that I go because he considered it as a right for me.
So one of my 'this summer's resolution' is not to go to the library as much and to do other things and to drift outside my comfort zone and find home there on the outside. I want to have one of those summers that you read about or watch in the movies; not the romantic type where you fall in love with a stranger, but when that's carefree composed around letting go of all the burdens of life and just having fun. I don't know how to go about it. I've thought about going on the NCS challenge but I've been told it involves water stuff and I do not have a swimming costume (which is quite deliberate). I've thought about going swimming and each time the thought crosses my mind, I chicken out and think, but people like just judging me. I have no problem with exercise. I quite like jogging actually. But when you're like not wearing much and when there are a lot of people like watching. that scares me. Whenever I am jogging, I stop whenever there is a person near me and pretend that I was walking. It's kind of stupid but like yeah; if I decide to exercise, that should be my business, no one else's because I sort of hate whenever people make remarks about my physical health and weight. It's sort of like shut up, But yeah. This summer, I shall summon up the courage to buy a swimming costume and go to the local leisure centre and go swimming. Or drowning. I'd probably drown like the first couple of times. I can sort of swim on my back - I've been told that is merely floating - and I can sort of kick my legs out which is better than not being able to swim or move in water at all.
Oh yeah, about Hyde Park. Victoria and I sort of even had like arguments about ways to get there. I thought getting off at Hyde park corner would be the best way to do so - I was right; her way took 5 minutes longer - however, she was like, nope, we are going the way google says and we are getting off the train at Knightsbridge and I thought, but Hyde Park Corner makes a lot more sense; it has Hyde Park in the name, hence it likely to deliver us at the corner of Hyde park. However, she was like, nah, Google is right. My point of mention this is that what I liked about Hyde Park is that there is so many ways to get there. Life should be like that.
We shouldn't have to do the whole exam system thing, where failing or passing means that certain doors are opened for you when others aren't. It is not natural how life is not flexible. It is like forcing a river that flows to remain still. I've been thinking; what if I wanted to become a historian? I am really unlikely too; that door is closed because of my A levels. See and then it is easy to have regrets, like 'I should have done history.' With the whole journey to Hyde Park, the whole regret thing is sort of cast aside. It was sort of a whole thing where, you could be like 'if we went that way it would have been quicker, however, we still got there.' The concept of failing and passing and doors being shut and routes being available did not matter at all. Education should be a river that flows; it should not matter about where you are going or how much you know. I man, a lot of people are not motivated with education - I used to wonder why, but now I sort of see that it is an obligation, such as getting grades and getting jobs and stuff.
It is quite sad and bleak to be honest. Like in my class, there are so many people with this grand aims like medicine; you need straight A's and you need to be the best of the best; you need to work under constant stress. Human nature is flawed and we make mistakes but being a doctor crafts you into a person who cannot make mistakes. That is like not being able to breathe. I've been starting to think that world wants to make people into robots. I mean all the rules; education, laws, expectations, money. I mean, I am thinking most of the time about the future. I think, I should do this because it is good to put on UCAS. I think, 'I have got good GCSE's; that will look good when I apply for a Uni.' I think, 'Crap, I need to revise so I can get A's for AS levels and perhaps then I might be able to get somewhere like Cambridge.'
There is this guy I like and I think, he doesn't like me; no one will ever want me and I'd probably die alone, unmarried and childless - I do not even want children, I think, but yet the thought always crossed through my mind. It's sort of like I am living on behalf of my future. I am not being a teenager now because I will be an adult soon and that is a lot of responsibility and so I need to prepare for it. I feel like there is so much expected of me and that it is so easy to be nothing in this world where something is demanded. I feel like I owe it to myself to do something that a world based on development does not care for, like travel the world. I don't know.
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