Adulthood

I am scared of becoming an adult. Some people treat me like I know all the answers and like I have got everything planned out, but really, it scares me whenever anyone asks anything about the distant future. Where do you want to go for uni? What do you want to study? Blah blah blah. I prtend I know sometimes - I say Psychology and that I want to go Cambrigde, to some people. But really, inside my head, I am dreading it. Yes, being 18 is not being like a fully grown adult; 18 is a bay adult, I guess - a mere foothole into independance where everything is. despite being daunting, exciting and new. 

Adulthood, like proper adulthood, with the looking after of babies and the weariness as you try to make ends meet and try to make sense of your career and life, scares me too. Like, so much independance, that it is natural.

I am scared of the adult I will become. People sometimes joke about how I am mentally unhinged; I do too. This one time, a guy in my maths class joked about me being the type of person who would kill her children - that hurt, but I replied with a hollow laugh still. I am scared however, of how the stress and pressure will get to me. Like, if I thought I've experienced pressure, then I am completely wrong and blissfuly unaware to what it is. I don't think I cope well enough as it is. I found myself pinching my arm this one time and I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, because I am such a pushover sometimes and I can easily say no, but i do not. What if I never learn to say no to the people who demand so much of me? My parents want me to do medicine, and I am not exaggerating, but literaly every conversation i have with my dad, is like, go inot medicine, and I am actually consdering it, submitting and doing something I do not want to, just to please. I fear I'll resent the person I will come.

But at least, that does not matter until then.

I am scared that I am already adult like. I try to remain a kid a much as I can, and the title of young adult does not help at all. I remember around last year when my mum went Nigeria and I was on the verge of not coping because so much more than usual was expected of me. I had to act like a mother to my siblings, and I had to cook and clean and I had to - not had to, now I come to think of it - please everyone. Sometimes my siblings are like pigs. Mess up everything and it's like Linda has to clean it all and it would be so messy and i would be so tired and fed up with all the chaos that I had to fix and clear up. But I coped, this time. And I think that scared me more than anything. Yes, I had support from friends and my form tutors, but I am so mouled in the idea that  I can't make mistakes and that  I have to be responsible.

I try to be a child sometimes. It's easier said than done. When I am with friends it is easier. Especially when I am with Agata, because we are really spontaneous and awkward together. She's growing up too, through. We talk a lot more about problems than we used to.

I think I need to be a bit more dependant on people. Whenever I do group activities, I do as much as I can so that it all goes well nd planned, but maybe I need to start straying from the plan and doing stuff I do not need too. I do not want to regress, really, as i journey into adulthood; I just want to hold on to the childliness I have left. I want to be depndant, I want to be able to cry and let others be there for me. I never want to accept things the way they are, the way I see some adults do.