I fear negative emotions right now. I hate feeling angry and upset. When I am, I feel like crying because the feeling feels so horrible and unnatural. I try to pretend I am happy all the time and that backfires horribly because sometimes I feel so upset.. It becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy. The fear I sort of have of being upset or angry = trying to be happy = the whole pretense thing not working = feeling upset.
I sort of side tracked, because I was actually going to write a couple things that make me happy.
So yeah. Basically, here is a list, well not here, but below, is a list of happy stuff. Moments, thoughts, just things that make me happy. (In no particular order).
- writing
- wrapping paper
- drawing
- Agata - my best friend. She is awesome and literally makes my day. It is weird. I went to the same college as her because I did not think that I could cope alone without her and I was worried we would drift and that it would be one of those things where one of us would be like, lets meet up but we never get the time to and suddenly that vacant space gets filled by another person and we become distant memories. She eventually got moved but like I call her all the time and we meet up a lot and we send each other letters and we are closer than before and it makes me happy to think that, yeah, a lot of these so called friendships that 'would definitely not deteriorate after high school' did, but the true ones still stand.
- The time when in year eleven in an English lesson, my teacher stopped the class to tell them that she loved me because of my enthusiasm because it was a day I was not feeling enthusiastic and I was thinking, f*** things.
- Going to the dentist with Agata and her watching a movie when I was getting my teeth yanked out and then her getting ice cream afterwards.
- The Parents trap; it's so mushy and romantic and ewh and like, ugh, stop kissing, but despite that I cannot help but re-watch it over and over again.
- That I overthink; it comes in handy some times. Other times it is irrational though.
- DOCTOR WHO
- Florence + the machine; she makes water - something we see as a commodity that is just there - into salvation, hope and loss. Her songs are a bit on the darkish side, but so beautiful
- 'you were a flood that wrecked this home' ~ Daughter, Youth <3
- High school crazy moments. 1) Ants crawling on the wall during the maths mock 2) Going on strike and getting to shout into the megaphone 3) Stalking and London road 4) All the ridiculously, could have been avoided, drama 5) I used to complain, but the I love the chaos, in hindsight 6) Custard doughnuts 7) walking home and getting icepops
- Coloured pens
- My year 11 form tutors. I spent a lot of break times, lunch times, after school and before schools with them. Mrs Hamdoun had this great office. It was small and it had a massive plant in it. She had a wall with cards from people pinned up. It was small and cosy. We had meetings every two weeks on a Thursday so she could 'keep an eye on me,' and sometimes when she would leave me in there a lone, I would curl up, sit on the floor and curl up next to the plant pot. She was really supportive and always kind and understanding.
- My other form tutor, Mrs Saeed, was amazing too. When Mrs Hamdoun left, I was really worried. I felt like a mess; like I had ruined everything and I didn't know what to do anymore. On the first day back after, I came early and she was like she wanted to talk to me and she assured me that she was still there for me and that I was not alone. And the thing is, she did not go back on her promise. She met me every Thursday lunch time and other times too and she was just really there for me a lot.
- Crying at Kingsbury. I was feeling like crap and like I should not have come on the debate mate thing and that I should have just turned back and not go. Then we got to Kingsbury and I was thinking, shit, I can't do this, I just want to run away and be by myself. then a group of people walk passed me and sort of stopped and one was like "OMG, its Olugbemi!" They said mean things and laughed and walked on. Then we reached the entrance and I think someone on the team realised that I was not talking because he asked how I was and then I started to cry and the team was like, we can't do this if you're not okay and I guess I was happy, because I am not alone even when I think I am - all I need to do is reach out and accept help. Sometimes it is hard and you will not find people who will offer help unless you ask, but on that day, I did not need to; I was not called pathetic for crying - in fact, Lambs told me it was strong. I was not told I let down the team. I as told that the team includes me.
- Walking to Wembley with Lambs
- Summer reading challenge, work experience. Messing around and being favouritised.
- Going British Library for the first time. How cool and big it was.
- Reading back on my old diaries. It makes me realise that friends are important. That I am not alone. That I was really mean to myself before and that by forgiving myself and stop blaming myself for the past, I have really progressed
- Opening my GCSE results and thinking, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy :)
- Mr Malone's, my new college for tutors, talks
- Sleep
- Knowing that whenever I do not feel bothered to get on the bus, my dad is there to drop me of to college
- My family - they're annoying sometimes, but I love them
- Being a creative interesting person
- Poetry
- Letters and all the ones I won't send that were folded up into boats
- Receiving emails
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