No retreat, no surrender!

I was watching this cartoon called the book of life and I simply loved it. It was beautiful, the way love was depicted and how the 'princess' wasn't helpless and could fight back, despite needing someone to depend on. I mean, I thought when I was watching it, now, there is a real girl. Vulnerable, for one, but not prepared to back down or let anyone stop her from doing what she thought was right. That is not the point. The point is, for a cartoon, it was very insightful and profound. The phrases that got to me were ' these are some big shadows we live under...' and the guy who he is talking to replies 'huge.' Also, they would be like to each other, 'no retreat, no surrender.' 

I was recently just doing my revision time table. This weeks one went horribly! I felt, at points, as if I were failing in life, all because I could not stick to one measly sheet of instructions. I may have blown it all of proportions, but it was hard not too. I feel like I am failing S1 because I do not understand one topic; all the rest, I am fluent with; it's like a different language that I can translate to English without even acknowledging I am doing so. But that is not good enough. People say you cannot be good at everything; well, when it is an AS syllabus, why not? I mean, compared to all you could possibly know about a subject, why should knowing it all like the back isn't arrogance or 'knowing it all' or necessarily being good at everything. 

Then this weekend came and I felt like real crap. I did not want to do anything at all - the stupid revision time table was like a burden. It taunted; look, you have so much to do, but all you do is procrastinate - you're so pathetic and dumb. I feel dumb; I dread to think what other people who dot U's in the exam think about themselves. 

Anyway, the exams are coming up. I am feeling nervous and not great enough, Yes, I am good enough, but that is not good enough for a world that demands great enough. I do not want to be the girl who measures her life from one exam to another - I fear that I am, for it is imprinted in my mind that there is only 16 weeks to my next exam. 

I want to be the girl who can take a rest when she needs one without feeling prickly and agitated. I want to be the girl who has time to colour with her little sister. I want to be the girl whose there for her friends and who does fun things like watches movies. I do not want to be the girl who feels so obliged to clean the kitchen when before she goes to sleep or the girl who overeats and stresses so much. Its so tiring. Somehow, I've been thrown into a cave and I have to find the way out. The only way I can do that is no retreat and no surrender. It is so hard not to. Right now, I am sat on a rock in the cave. My legs are aching and I am exhausted and on edge. All I would bloody like is for a cup of coffee, and I hate how princess like that this sounds, but for someone to rescue me, because I cannot do this. It's incredibly lonely and everyone else is gambling on my success and it feels suffocating. Right now I need to be the girl who powers on; no retreat and no surrender! :)