It's a good life. 

Liz

Hello

Yesterday, I talked to the Wellbeing service lady and she told me that it would be wise to inform my personal tutor about the knock on effect my friend's situation is having on me.

I emailed her and her response was sweet. She was like, she was sorry to hear that I had a problem and that she needs her Nemo sitter happy and healthy. (Because I didn't tell her the problem through email, she could only speculate).

We met up today to discuss my email. It was rather daunting. She went straight to the topic (ie. what is the problem?) So I could not even try beat around the bush. I explained and she was really nice about it. It was really hard in the respect that she is so lovely and so understanding. It makes me feel like she could see more than I was saying if that makes sense. I felt more exposed that I would with someone else. It doesn't help that she is an expert in facial expressions and emotions. Also, it doesn't help at all that I was giving her eye contact. I couldn't not. I always give her eye contact so to not then would have been weird.

I felt like crying and hiding in my room. I felt stupid and childish. She was concerned. Said that I shouldn't think that just because he had the problem that I have no right to be selfish. She was like that making sure I was alright should be the priority as well because I can only be a good friend for him if I myself am in a good state. Then she was like I can come to her office or email her even during the holiday (because she works through holidays). Then she said that I was a warm person (not literally because I am usually cold, but metaphorically. Like seriously, my hands are perpetually freezing! This cold weather doesn't help). Then she said that I make her smile. And I was half happy and half like, I am going to cry, I just need to get out of her and hide away from the world because I feel so silly.

I left and then returned to the common room where my friend Amy was waiting and we watched part of a documentary about cochlear implants (seeing as we were recommended to watch it by our lecturer as we had learned about hearing and listening).


Oh also, I am not sure if I mentioned, but J is seeking help. I am so proud of him!!!

I think I posted a post on how I told him to get help and how we went to our subwarden to get that sorted. He is actually not backing out and I am so happy. I am happy as well that I had the conversation with him. I was so worried that he'd hate me for suggesting that he needed professional help. I was considering just leaving it and letting him sort of deal with his problems himself. It's good that everything (so far) is working out.

I want to experience

I worry sometimes that I do not do enough fun things.

I sometimes sit there and think, what happens if one day I have an accident that means I forget all the stuff I knew. What happens if I am working towards getting good grades and then one day, they do not even mean anything? I have invested so much time into doing well academically. What about investing time to live life? To experience? To love? To have fun?

And then I argue that I do have fun. I have fun in my tame ways. I have fun talking to my friends. I have fun taking my little sister out. I have fun drawing. Fun need not necessarily mean getting out there and having adventure.

However, having fun does not necessarily mean getting outside of my comfort zone. Then I think, but to be fair, I get myself out of my comfort zone a lot. I am in Warwick after all. I did go to NCS. I canoed and climbed a wall. However, to be harsh, I refuse to go into a pub yet claim that I don't like the atmosphere. Same with partying. I don't travel because I am worried about getting kidnapped. There are so many ways in which I limit myself.

This was what was going on in my head on Sunday morning. A friend had invited me to go to Birmingham with her and it was like, do I get work done or do I have fun?

Guess what I chose?

I went Birmingham. :) I actually went. It was like any other city (such as London) but I had fun.

I have thought about it. I will try and make the most out of life. I will travel this year. I aim to go Winchester and Edinburgh next term. However, I have decided that even if it is only for a day, I will go travel somewhere. I want to go Disneyland. I want to experience.

First essay

Hello guys,

I have finished my first essay. :)

Whooop!

I may go Birmingham today with Hahnhee to see the Christmas market...

My list of taboo's

I have just posted a post on weight. Talking about weight bothers me so much and it would have been a hard post to write if I thought that someone other than Bob would read it.

I decided to post a list of things I do not like talking about / what I struggle with / have struggled with discussing.


-  Weight

-  Self harm. I had a convo with a friend regarding self harm before I went uni. I think that this really helped. My general problem with discussing self harm is that people tend to think that it is limited to cutting. However, there are so many more behaviours encompassed in self harm.

- Periods. Well not anymore.

- Future relationships. They scare the hell out of me. Part of me thinks, what if I die alone? I make jokes, but it generally does worry me. Also, guys (not all) use females for their pleasure.

- Suicide... It scares me a bit because I remember a time where that felt like the only option and where I was that messed up that I actually planned an attempt but felt to weak to go through with it. I'm still here, but it scares me a little because no one knew.


- Mental health. I don't mind talking about this now because mental illnesses are so common. However, when I was younger, I was soooo scared. I was the sort of child that thought, damn it, what is wrong with me? I remember in year 7, my brother made an offhand comment about how I am always angry and that I may have problems and that comment never left me. I cried. Then in year 11, I have no idea what happened but I was soooo worried then. Like what the f is wrong with me? Though it turns out, there is nothing wrong with feeling weak, stupid, pathetic, etc.

It is funny really. I make more jokes about the above. It is weird how people deal with stuff by laughing about it. I mean, I often mention that I am crazy. I joke about dying alone. In fact, I have realised that I make a lot of jokes about things that have bothered me. For instance, how my mum deals with things through shouting. ("Trust me, you don't want to meet my mum. She's intimidating," I laugh. How my parents weren't happy with my life decisions. ("The funniest thing ever is that they didn't even anticipate me leaving London until results day,") It is a weird way to deal with stuff. I'd like if in Psychology, I learn about a theory that explains this.

On that happy note, I shall end this post.

No actually. What a lot of psychological studies that make people distressed do, is end with a task that makes you focus on a happy event.

So reader... I am going to ask you to focus on something positive in your life in order to get over this post.

I remember when I was in year 6, I was really overweight. (Obese really). I was 87 Kg.

I have spent a lot of time ashamed of my weight and my eating pattern. It was almost like a positive feedback loop.

I'd think, there is no point trying to lose weight because I won't. So I didn't try.

At some point, I shot up to around 110 Kg.

By year 11, I was 100 Kg.

There was a point where I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I felt hideous.

Then around this or last year, I was at 95 Kg.

After starting Uni, I have started to be less conscious about my weight and the way I look. I am eating better so I feel good. I am not exercising as much, but the change in my eating has been so drastic, that my lack of exercise doesn't make me feel too bad.

When I went home for week 5, my mum told me I had lost weight and I was like, mum, you are lying to me. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and I have seen no such thing.

Only, I have noticed that my 'school' trousers are a bit too big for me and they used to be an exact fit.

I got a bit confused. Like, how is this happening, because I have not lost any weight?

Only, I went to someones house today and they had a scale. I took the opportunity to step on it.

From the last time I stepped on a scale, I have lost weight. I didn't even realise.

I am now 85 Kg.

I checked my BMI. This is bad, but since I have been in year 6, I have been obese according to the BMI scale.

And now, I am not. :)

It feels great because this is the lightest I've been for 8 ish years.

I feel so motivated to lose weight now. To actually get more exercise.

I have got to grips with eating healthily and now I need to get more exercise.

I thought I'd make a whole list about this because weight is something that I hate to discuss.

It makes me feel so vulnerable and ugly. I feel like Shrek or the beast in Beauty in the beast. Only they find love and I feel like I never will. (This is when I talk about weight).

I feel better now.

My target for my next birthday is to lose 10 Kg.

If I do that, according to my BMI, I will be normal weighted.

That's so exciting!

Today

Yesterday

My subwarden emailed me, telling me that she contacted a health care person she works with and told her about J's situation. That we had to tell him to go see her or that they would. I was so worried because I thought breaking it to J would make him feel betrayed. So Alicia and me went to her room to ask. She was like we have time because from what we have said, she does not think J is suicidal even if he jokes about it. She was like, I could wait until Monday after my meeting with the well being service to talk to him. She was also like we didn't need to tell him we talked to her. 

Today 

I had an interview from 3:30pm to 7:00 which Alicia was also doing. This was for the welcome service at Warwick. 

There were 170 being interviewed and there are 120 jobs. Therefore, statistically, I am less likely to be rejected compared to accepted. However, rejection is still a possibility. 

I looked at my emails and it turns out that I am really busy next week. I felt so overwhelmed. Monday, I start at 9. Then I finish at 10. As 10, I need to be at the well being service at a different part of campus. At 11 - 1, I have stats. From 3, I have another meeting. On Tuesday, I have a lecture from 9 - 10. Then 11 to 5 solid. Then at around 7, I agreed to take part on a psychology pub quiz which I can't back out of now. Then Wednesday, my essay is due. I won't have much time on Monday or Tuesday to do my essay. So I have to do it from today and during the weekend. That will mean that I have to focus on it and I will be unable to catch up with anything else hence falling behind further. Then there is all the experiments I have to do for the course. Added on top of that, tomorrow, I have to cook for 7 people.

I went to check up on J and he wasn't good at all. I think he'd been crying. I stood there thinking, it is either I deal with him or go do work. He was giving a look like please do not leave me. Please don't go. I need you. 

Guess what I did? I left. I asked if he was okay and he mumbled a very unconvincing yes. I was like, well that is good. See you later. 

I felt like absolute crap. 

I went to my room and I nearly cried. I was thinking, damn it, I have so much work to do. I need to breathe. What the hell? I am such a bad friend for leaving him when he looks so awful and when I know without doubt that he needs me. Stop being so selfish and deal with him. 

So I messaged him telling him to come up. 

We talked for a bit. Then I sighed and was like, dude, I am worried about you. I am going to be absolutely honest with you, I think you need to seek help. I think that you should talk to our subwarden. 

And he was like, yes, he thinks he needs help and that he will go talk to her. I was like, are you sure you are not just saying that? Are you sure you won't back out?

He replied, yes. And said thank you and that it is good that I care about him. Then I was like, Alicia and I have been so worried about you and we've been planning to tell you to go talk to someone for a while but we decided we'd wait. Then I told him that I know it is hard to seek help when you're not alright. 

Then I was like, let's go and see the subwarden now before you change your mind and he agreed. She wasn't in, so I texted her and she set up a meeting for tomorrow at 5pm. He said he will go if I push him too.

We sat in silence for a bit. He held my hands. His were really soft. 

So yes, progress. I'm tired but I am happy. 

It's been a good day :)

Today was a really good day.

I started the day by waking up twenty minutes before my lecture (not so good).
During my lecture, I nearly fell asleep. (Not too good at all).
Then I went to the Psychology common room and had some coffee. (Getting better).
I returned to my room and then prepared for the next lecture. (I'm rather impartial about this.)
My next lecture was about hearing and we went in detail about how the ear works. (Surprisingly really good.)

I asked my lecturer about why a person may be unable to distinguish 'ch' from 'sh' and she said that maybe it was because they are both high pitched and she asked is this regarding myself or someone else and I was like myself. Then she suggested that it may be cultural because when people from China move to different cultures, they find difficulty with making someone sounds and distinguishing them. Then I was like, but none of my siblings have this problem and that I has speech therapy for my pronunciation and she said that children with a lot of ear infections as a child show delays in speech as a result of not hearing stuff. (Interesting). I was telling this to Rebecca, one of my flat mates who also had speech problems. She said her dad said when she wasn't a child, she refused to talk for a month and that he thought that that caused her problems. Then we started talking about life and she mentioned how she went to Botzwana once. And I asked her, why didn't she tell me this when I asked, tell me about yourself because it is really interesting. And she went, 'really?' because she thought I was being sarcastic. I was like, yes, of course.

And, Manpree, (another flatmate) who has been rather shy around everyone, has finally started to warm to us. (Very good :). She actually jokes around with me now. :)

Also, I talked to you Bob (the best part of my day)

And I have nearly finished my essay due in next week Wednesday.

Love you Bob. :)

This weekend

Yesterday, I had another pizza party. :) Marianna and Ole made some pizza and they put oats in the base. IT WAS SO GOOD!  Rebecca brought oreos and I provided milk for them. :)  The pizza party was not quite as lively as the first, but it was great anyhow. We watched Lion King. The afterwards, we played truth or dare. The game escalated quite quickly. One of the dares was for one of the girls (Marianna) to leave our group chat after claiming that she cannot stand us. On the next dare, one of the guys (James) was dared to tell her to f off and that we didn't want her anyway. It was really funny because one of the girls actually believed that the argument was real. :) Also, Marianna ended up sticking 'Property of Marianna' in everyone's cupboard as a dare. She personalised it, so on one she wrote 'touch before asking' and on another 'one pound per use.'

I met Alicia's mum (in person). The first time I met her was over skype. I went into her room to tell her that I highlighted my pyjama trousers and she opened the door. Then she was like, meet my parents and I was sort of like, crrraaaaappp.... hello...  Trust me, that is not the way you want to meet a friend's parents. Them thinking that you amuse yourself by colouring your clothing. Anyway, I met her in person and she seemed nice. She gave me a hug when they were leaving.  After Alicia ans her mum and sister went home, I called Amelia because we arranged to call then. It was really cool catching up and we may go visit each other in term 2. Then I called Lambs and apparently there is drama but she will ell me about what ever is happening back in London. It's quite cool that I am able to maintain contact with my London friends (well most of them anyway) despite making new friends. :)

Alicia went home this weekend and arrived back at 8 pm and so we threw her a surprise birthday party. Marianna, Ole and Jan made a cinnamon and carrot cake (the icing was made out of Philadelphia cheese.) I bought twenty muffins from Tesco and we put up decorations and blew up balloons. We hid in one of the kitchens and when she entered, everyone yelled surprise. It was pretty cool. For the next fourty five minutes, we stood around in the kitchen. There were so many empty seats but no one moved away from their hiding positions until Marianna came back with the cake.

Hey Bob, you alive?

It would be nice to hear from you.

Research assistant

Dear anyone reading this, 

Hello, my name is Olugbemi Moronfolu and I am currently a research assistant for Ameerah Khadaroo, a PHD student. She is being supervised by Dr Fiona MacCallum and they are researching parenting of single-child and multiple children families in the UK. They are interested in seeing how families today get on, and how families with one child compare with those with more than one.

They are currently looking for families with children aged 11-14 to take part in a quick 1 hour family interview involving both the teenager and their parents. We will need only 30mins of your time for the joint parent interview following which around 25mins to interview your teenager. At the end we will need each parent to do a quick 3-4mins interaction task using the Etch-a-Sketch with their teenager. Altogether it should only take around 1 hr of your family time. All responses are anonymous and confidential, and each family who signs up for the interview will receive a £20 leisure gift voucher as a thank you gift on the day of the interview.

They are very flexible in terms of when would work best for you and we would be most grateful if you could please let us know a day/time when you think your family would be available to do this.

Please do let us know and MANY thanks again!

P.S: If you’d like to ask any questions please do not hesitate to contact Ameerah Khadaroo ona.khadaroo@warwick.ac.uk

If you know anyone who may like to participate, please ask!!!!

I'm stressed out and busy and I have a lot of work to do. I am fortunate to get along with my flat mates which makes things better.

Passive aggressive indirect

I'd just like to know you're alive and haven't falling completely of the face of the earth. 

And actually, it would be nice if you answered my messages and actually called me as opposed to me always calling. 

But life isn't always 

Help

Trying to be there for someone who is just so broken and lost is quite difficult. Especially when you are living with them. At least with college or school, you wouldn't have to see a person all the time. However, living with someone: whose happiness depends on you; who needs you to always be there and who drinks to deal with problems is hard.

Hello everyone,


I am a tiny bit pissed off.

I may be being a little petty. In fact, I am being petty. But still.

I think I may have mentioned my friend.

Let's call him J. He gets anxious in social situations and so for the past couple of days before I have been going to sleep, I have been with him trying to calm him down and making sure he goes to bed happy.

He turns up to my room and he is all sulky or I go check up on him and he is so sad and I couldn't possibly leave.

So I spend like two hours in his room or go on a walk with him.

J likes my other friend A and he told me and I promised not to tell her and so I didn't.

Yesterday, we went on a walk. Ten of us. And he wondered off knowing that it would worry us. I tried to catch up to him and just make sure he was alright but he was so ungrateful, like, why are you here? He was sort of like, leave me alone and I was like, ouch, fine. So he wonders of in the dark and on a dangerous path (because apparently there have been burglaries.)

He left me and A so worried and at one point she cried.

And so he text her this morning saying, I am sorry for being so selfish last night. The thing that sort of sucks is that I have been trying to be there for him and trying to care for him but like he doesn't care about the fact that he made me worry as well. Like my feelings don't matter because I am Linda and I have been there for him whenever he's needed me so it doesn't matter if I am hurt if that makes sense.

Disarray

I am a bit unsure with how I am feeling today. 

 

I did a biology section online assessment. I did not fail but I did not do as well as I should have. I realised that there is so much that I do not know. I know that I am not expected to be an expert five weeks in. However, I had the potential to do better. On the other hand, I feel like this is good. I now know what I need to know. There were some key words that I neglected on the assumption that I could get away with not knowing them - how wrong I was. This motivates me a lot. 

Also what happened today was that I realised that I needed to start my qualitative analysis again. I had spent so much time and effort finding articles and searching stuff up. I was so annoyed and stressed most of the day. However, upon starting again, I now feel better. It is sort of like my personal statement. To get the foundations, it took me ages! I spent my summer perpetually starting sentences and scratching them out. However, once I got the gist of it, I finished the personal statement in three days despite starting again. This is a learning curve - I am sure that many people will tell me this. 

In addition to this, my mum called me today crying. I felt like crap after that because I could not do anything to comfort her. I could not hug her. She was all alone. On some level, I thought, I should be there. I should not have left my family. On another level, I thought, I am glad that I do not have to deal with this. However, I feel incredibly bad for feeling this way. Also, I felt sad on my mother's behalf. Along with the stress of my essay, everything just felt like a tangled ball of ugliness and confusion. 

However, when I came back to my room, I saw a friend. He instantly made me happy because today he gave me a muffin and he texted me and there was a smiley and I thought, awwww how cute. But then other people came into the kitchen and he sort of became a little withdrawn. He gets very nervous around other people. He wouldn't even make any eye contact with me. He ate his food fast and then fled. It was sad to watch because when it is just the two of us, he smiles, makes jokes and he maintains eye contact. I really just want to be there for him but I do not know how to be there for him apart from being his friend.