Holidays

My mum arrived back early yesterday morning - at around 12 ish am. We all woke up. It was hard to stay asleep with all the noises and shuffling around.

On a phone call to us from Nigeria, mum had let loose that she would get us phones and I was like, who want's a N-phone - what I imagine that Nigerian version to be. At 12 in the morning, my mum was handing us out new phones and they were nothing that I had expected. The Nigerian phones - made in China - were tablets you could call people with.She gave us a lot of Nigerian sweets and I thought, I would save some for Bob, only that they are made with milk. :(

Hahahahaha. I felt a bit, not sad, but not happy either, all day. I guess, sort of hollow and empty, because usually I am feeling something, so feeling so placid and mundane compared to the rainbow of emotions I normally feel, is empty. If I am honest, I did not miss my mum much. Her absence, felt like a holiday to me. No shouting or anger. There was food - I actually bought food, unlike her. Then she came back and I thought, she is just going to complain - the kitchen is too messy; you bought your dad a kettle and didn't get me a mother's day present; you haven't been doing the most you can to look after things when I was gone. I got it wrong. I felt as if she was always constantly looking to attack and tell me what I am doing is wrong and that I am not good enough. I regret how distant our relationship is. Regretted. Because, I am not going to let the regret live on; I have still got time to do something about it.

It is Easter Holidays.

Yay. It is like climbing a mountain. You are at the foot of the mountain, looking up. Saying that you are worrying is an understatement. This isn't nerves or doubt; you know you can;t do it; you're not competent. All the self depreciating thoughts are swimming around your mind like sharks. They threaten to bite you.

I remember, the headmaster said in the assembly on the first day of term, that there would be casualties.  I looked around the hall and saw familiar faces and ones that I did not know and thought, who will the casualties be? I hoped that my friends would not be casualties. I hoped that I would not be one - I knew that I wouldn't, actually, I was and will be motivated and resilient, I thought. I had embarked on climbing the mountain; only a few centimetres up, but I had done something I thought I was not capable of, now, there was no way anyone would tell me (especially myself) that I could not continue; that I cannot make it up there.

Progress was made.  I guess. Progress was made. I made progress. Some of my friends did not - a lot fell as casualties.

What does a person do then? When they realise, when the illusions are broken? That they were always alone on this journey? That it was always there's to make one their own? I was up there and people I cared about had fallen.

All I could do was look back up and continue climbing.

Now, I am near to the top. You may think that now, there is only one thing I could do - continue going up. However, I could refuse to go any further, and fall down. I am not prepared for the top - I could think - and I  could regress faster than I made progress. Or I can continue steadily making my way to the top.

This is Easter for those who have to revise.

It is where you decide if you can or can't do it.

It is not a time for socialising.

It is a time for trying.