Tomorrow

Today really was not my day at all.

It was an epic flop - the sort of day where all you want to do is be back in bed, away from people. You could do without time cascading by. However, the world being cruel, carries on. Now, imagine me - already lagging behind and tired and the world running ahead. How an earth are you supposed to catch up?

I thought, yeah, my mum on holiday is not just a holiday for me, but it is a holiday for all of us. I certainly know that my mental well being is better off with her in a different continent. That is mean, yes, I know, but so much stress has been relieved for me. There is no constant howling - her shouting is not shouting anymore; that is how bad it is. It is quiet; peaceful. Not to say that I do not want her back.

Her friend keeps calling me. Checking up. I would much rather not.

Also, I do not think I can cope. My family have stepped up a lot from the last time. They are helping me do stuff around the house, but it is still a lot. There is the shopping, cooking, washing plates and coping with things, in general, like the stress of college and social interactions - because I hate being around people sometimes, but I am a person who is forever around people.

I hope for a better day tomorrow.

I told Sameer something the other day when we were awkardly talking. He was talking about how motivation is key and how it is most important in morning or something and I absent minded said, yeah, because if you have a pre-set feeling in the morning, then that determines your whole day. Absent minded, I say, because I was just looking for something insightful and profound seeming to reply.

I was right though.

I woke up thinking, ugh.

The whole day was lived thinking ugh.

It was a half hearted, not going to bother day. I set that in motion in the morning,

So hopefully, I wake up tomorrow and I am able to instil some motivation into myself - for my own sake, because 'not my day' does not suit a person who can turn anything her way if she's motivated.

I hate thinking tomorrow will be my last day. That thought is haunted by denial - of course it won't be, I convince myself otherwise. However, what if it was? What would I want the day to be like?

A day is my canvas and I am the artist. Yes, sure, I do not control it all. I am an artist who is locked out of her house. It rains on the canvas sometimes and the paint droops. However, from there, I can control it. Will I let the colours run or will I pull out a last minute attempt to try and get things in order?

It is not entirely up to me, however, some of it is.

I can sleep all day.

I can refuse to go college.

I can mess around in Biology.

I can.

There is so many choices that I am yet to make.

For tomorrow - one step at a time.

What will I do, when it comes to something I have control in?