In response to your post

I'm no better with updating. Today, I've posted three (soon to be four) but I probably won't post for the next year! Alright, that is an exaggeration... but yeah.

I'm proud of you. :) Happy that you're doing so well! Your hard work is paying off.

Wow, that sounds really long and stressful. Hang in there! :)

It's a bit funny because I went Sufra today and my daughter's mum was looking at me and she was like, Linda, you've lost weight. What's happening? Are you eating properly? And I said yes of course I am eating properly. Tobi asked the same thing too and I was like... maybe??? And she was like, what do you mean? So I told her and she said I was being stupid and I agreed and I told her not to tell anyone and she told me to make sure I eat properly from now on.


I came back home, and filled in the fridge and table was all the food I've been avoiding for weeks. Orange juice, garlic bread, apple pies, white bread, butter, meat, speedy burgers, pizza, cake, biscuits and sweets and I was just there like, crap, these people are trying to poison me. I am going to gain so much weight over the weekend. And we're going Nandos and IKEA tomorrow so I will need to go on a jog.

I feel better in terms of food at the moment. I am still counting calories (and I may have got a kitchen scale to weigh my food so I can calculate calories more precisely) but I now have breakfast with Alicia and I am eating healthier than home. I booked a counselling session which is on the 24th February and I spoke to my subwarden about it, because I want to cancel it because I don't think I need help, but she was like, it isn't necessarily for people who have problems, and it can help tackle a problem before it gets worse and I have nothing to lose. I can just go to the one and never go again so I reckon, if things get better, I'll abandon it but if it doesn't then I'll stick to it.

(I am so sorry, I feel like I am just focusing on me, me, me.)

I can't wait to hear your voice. :)

As for J.... Yes... A certain someone may have messaged me expressing some very worrying thoughts that meant that I couldn't go to sleep, but had to spend an hour, hugging him as he cried... I'll let you figure out the horrible and worrying nature of those thoughts I'd prefer to tell you the story through text or call as opposed to through my blog.


Love you lots and lots :) I am so glad I have you in my life!!!

The hell getting home

Before I even got home, my mum was shouting. I was so annoyed. 

My dad said he's pick me up outside the station and so I waited and 15 minutes later, he still wasn't there. 

I called my mum and she was like, try the JD sports car park and so I did. 

He wasn't there. 

I was surprised. It is so unlike my dad to let me down or to be unreliable. 

I walked back to Wembley Stadium Station and then realised. 

What if dad thought he was supposed to meet me at Wembley Park. 

That would be plausible even though I've pointed out to both of them that I always come back through Wembley Stadium station.

So I call my mum and she is shouting. Shouting at how stupid my dad is for not taking his phone and shouting at me telling me she is fed up with me and that I was being stupid and that I shouldn't have told her I was coming back at Wembley Park if I was coming back at Wembley Stadium station. 

So I am there outside outlet, shouting into my phone that I am not stupid to MISTAKE where I am coming back and that she just didn't ask and when I tried to say, she cut off and I forgot. I was trying to tell her - not that she listened - that I was the one who had the right to be angry seeing as I had walked to and back several times with luggage. My hands, freezing. (I checked on Google and it was two miles. I walked 2 bloody miles). Dad had a right to be angry, waiting over an hour. But mum, who was at home, not cold and perpetually waiting, didn't have it too bad. 

I swear, I just wanted to turn back and go to Warwick because damn it. 

I went Wembley Park. There was my dad, reliable as ever. Just simply a victim of miscommunication. 

Contactless

Oh, yeah, these fools from Santander.

I lose my card. So what do they do?

Replace it with a contactless card.

Do they want someone to steal my card and spend all my money?

I called them to replace a lost card and they give me one that is easier to lose!

Home coming

Bonjour mes amis,

That is the extent of all the french I know.

I now some more. But it is really pitiful considering that I took French for GCSE.

Ah well, C'est la vie.


I came back home today.


I lost my card on Monday. I am an idiot. I left it in the card machine in Tesco and I couldn't go back because I realised the next day before my lecture.

I realised midway through my lecture that I needed to have my card to print off my tickets. I went to Leamington Station anyway - hoped that they would let me get my ticket anyway. However, apparently, I couldn't use my ticket. I was so annoyed.


The man was like I could buy another ticket for twenty pounds - money I didn't have. I only had a tenner! I was so annoyed and gutted. I just had to get home!

So I approached a stranger and asked for ten pounds and told her I'd give it back to her through online banking straight away but she was like no, it's fine.

I got on a train two minutes later.






On the train, I sat opposite a lady who was sleeping. I smiled at her and then avoided looking at her. I then brought out my work and did that for a while.

At High Wycombe, I asked her where the train was terminating seeing as I had no idea. And She said, London Marylebone and I said thank you.

Then we started to talk and didn't stop for the whole journey.

She asked what degree I did and when I said Psychology, she told me she was a mental health advocate and she told me about her job and how to get work experience. We talked about her daughter who wants to go London for uni next year and she told me about how she was going to the theatre for the evening with her boyfriend and she said she had only one child and that she was 43 and I told her she didn't look it.


And then at three, I arrived, back in Wembley. :)

Au revoir.

James and I sat in my room talking for an hour forty-five minutes and it was pretty cool. He talked more than usual and we both enjoyed each other's company. It feels like we're friends. We are friends but it's just that it hasn't felt like that for a while. I feel like instead of hiding out and doing work in the library, I can stay in my room and I won't be distracted.

Hello

I thought I'd update you.

At uni, there is a wellbeing service and they have half an hour drop-ins every other weekend.

I decided that perhaps I should go to one and talk about my eating. That perhaps they could outline a strategy.


It was a bit scary because I don't like labels and I wasn't seeking like a diagnosis or something. It was more just, I do not want things to get any worse than it is and so may as well try and tackle is at as soon as possible.



It was really funny really. Before the session I was sooo nervous and I felt like either crying or leaving. Then when I went in the room, all I could focus on was her green hair. At one point, she asked me how my friends would describe me and I said definitely talkative and that they would say that I laugh a lot. At which point, she laughed and said she laughs some times when she feels nervous and I was like, yep, I know that feeling then she said my laugh was contagious.

She suggested that I try counselling (which I am not too keen on) or maybe IAPT (which is going through therapy through GP).

Alternatively, she suggested I try some self-help (which I was more keen on).

She sent me links for positive psychology strategies (which she thinks may help me to focus on something other than food). I've briefly looked through the practices and they seem rather character building in general, like the sort of thing people should do regardless so here's a link if you want to take a look : http://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=featured

Also, she sent me links to an eating disorder work booklet (which sort of scared me because eating disorder? She didn't say, but like I was worried).

I think I'll try the self-help.

I don't think I have an eating disorder and even if I did, I am happy with life. Therapy and counselling is for unhappy people. I'll only be wasting their time.


Though on the other hand, I thought, but like my eating has never been great. I have never felt in control with my eating or weight. I was obese when I was 10 (according to my BMI). Until recently, I have never been able to tell whether I am full or not, If I am honest. Before I started uni, I struggled when it came to trying to go three hours (or longer) without food. The only times I did was when I went out somewhere.

 And whilst now, I finally feel like I have control, it's become rather obsessive. I am eating healthily which is great but it doesn't feel great. Will I ever be in a place where eating and food isn't a problem?Hopefully. We'll see.

By the way, this post was really hard to write.

Love you.

My day today because why not?

Hello world,

Today has been a really good day. 

One of my lecturers - the one who gives a lot of eye contact to the first row - had the 'man flu.' It was rather funny because he looked out into the crowd for sympathy and realised that there pretty much only females. 

My second lecture was given by my personal tutor. My friend - who usually never turns up - had to today because she thought that Liz would notice her absence and 'kill her'. Some lectures are really entertaining because the lecturer keeps spitting out jokes, left right and centre whilst the content is not at all as riveting or stimulating as the lecturer intended. I had this problem learning about free will (because philosophy, despite being entwined with psychology, doesn't interest me much). Some lecturers are really informative with the absence of jokes. Only one lecture has failed on both accounts (learning about gestures - I cried mentally. I was soooo bored!). I appreciate that it is really hard for lecturers to do both, so I usually just care about whether I found the topic interesting or not (seeing as I am there to learn). 

However, Liz's lecture was like watching a comedian and also learning something interesting. We learnt about empathy. She started off the lecture not so subtly hinting about how neither Brexit or Trump's presidency was pleasing (I knew what she was getting at seeing as yesterday during a tutorial, she called him a slimy man, upon talking about the lack of empathy and the division in our current society, it wasn't hard to get at). Then she went on to blatantly make comments. 

Apparently, there are eight types of empathy. Knowing what someone else is feeling (knowing is rather debatable because can you know someone's feelings even if you're really close?) There is imitation because apparently crossing your arms when someone else does or laughing hysterically when someone else does is empathy. There is emotional contagion where one person has an emotion and it's spread proceeds like a snowball effect witnessed in situations such as mass panic. There is attributing or trying to have an abstract idea of feelings of characters or inanimate objects (which I do when I write fanfiction and you probably do when you think, hmmm, that is a cool tree, I wonder what it is feeling?) There is one in which you lose yourself completely in the pursuit of trying to empathise. There is empathy where you feel distressed thinking of someone's emotions. I realise now I probably haven't stated eight. (I don't think I can remember all of them). 

It was also a good day as my friend bought me some pasta her mum made and another gave me a 20 pounds Nandos voucher as a belated Christmas present. Also, I took part in an experiment where I had to play Solitaire - love that game! - for eight minutes whilst hooked up to a sweat detector and I got paid 5 pounds. 

On top of this and most importantly, J went to the GP and he's been giving medication. It has a lot of side effects and there is a possibility that for the first week, he may exhibit suicidal behaviours because of the drug (scary!) so he asked me and A to monitor him and to flag up anything if he is behaving weirdly. It apparently takes two weeks for the medication to work. He's happy, though. I have never seen him happier. I hope hope hope that the medication works and that he is on the road to recovery. 

At nine I am going to basketball for beginners. :)

I named the dinosaur Phoenix Peppergrinder and I'm unsure of gender. 

Love you Bob xxx :) 

(PS I would have snapchatted you, but I haven't got the app). 

Life is hard but you have to deal with it.

I know that I should NEVER go to a store when I am hungry.

I  know I should NEVER go down the confectionary aisle on a period because you feel entitled to eating junk just because mother nature is being a b****.

Guess what I did today?

Difficult conversations

Today, A and I went to see the subwarden for our accommodation.

We had reached the stage where we were regretting our decision to live with J. We literally have to tip toe around because if he catches wind that we are together or that A has left her room, he sort of tries to find us.

With A, she feels bad and always has to sit with him during lectures and as a result, she's not been able to make more friends. It sucks in the respect that she is trying to introduce him to people but he doesn't make an effort meaning that she is feels obliged to look after him.

With me, I feel like I am guilt-tripped into spending time with him, the way he messages me. It is the 'oh, don't worry about me, I'll be fine,'s and the sad faces when I haven't got time.

Friendship shouldn't feel like an obligation.

We know he has a mental illness. We know that it's not a choice or a preference - if it were, who would choose to go through such agony?



Our accommodation warden told us to talk to him. To tell him that he was putting so much on us. To tell him that we aren't trained and that he should seek help from elsewhere whilst still sort of saying that he should come and talk to us because obviously, it is good that he's talking about his problems. She told us to tell him that me and A need time alone and that we aren't trying to exclude him. We were also told to say that it was be helpful if he told us what we could do to help as opposed to just sat there.

And she told us she knew it would be a difficult conversation but that it was necessary.

I felt like laughing all the conversations are difficult.

Telling him he should seek help.

Telling him to text me and not knock on my door.

Responding to him when he's sort of guilt tripping me.

It's all difficult. What's one more difficult, honest, conversation?



We talked to him as soon as we had the meeting.

We tried to skirt around the topic - he thought we were just going on a walk.

We were five minutes in and A and I were both so nervous and unsure of what to say and so I was like, we need to talk to you.

AT which point, we figured out that we had no idea how to articulate our points, so it came out as waffly nonsense.

But he understood and he appreciated our honesty.



I guess now we wait and see what happens.

A was super happy about things. I should have been but I felt like hiding away in my room and never dealing with human interaction because it was a good response, yes, but I still felt so tense.

(But half an hour later, I was perfectly fine, running through the corridor with A on my back).

This may seem rather small, but for me, it is a milestone and sort of achievement, because achievements do not necessarily have to be large.

I signed up to a dodgeball rock up and play session. Basically, rock up and play sessions are where you sign up on one session basis, so it is not a weekly commitment if you do not want it to be.

I was skeptical about turning up - new people; embarrassment - but eventually I did.

I had a looooot of fun!

I was rubbish but I had fun!

And I think that I will continue going and that I will continue going to different sessions.

I felt soooo good afterwards. I was aching all over but I was happy.


This whole week has been a low point in terms of my eating. I have been obsessing about food sooooo much and it makes me feel so disgusting and horrible. I've been counting every calorie and agonising over everything. Also, I have been eating up in my room because I am convinced that people will judge me for eating. It's stupid and irrational, I know. I've been under eating. Not like dieting under eating, but starving under eating. A lot of the days this week, I've felt so weak and tired, I know I shouldn't but I did. It is ironic because I've gone from a Chrismas full of over eating junk food to under eating healthy food and it's funny in the respect that it's sort of two extremes.

My mini goal at the moment is to eat enough so that I am not starving and so that I don't have massive dips in terms of energy level.

Also, I intend to continue exercising regularly. :)

Eating

This term, I have made a meal plan in order to make sure I buy what I need. Last term, what happened is that I would wander around Tesco's and Aldi thinking hmm. What do I buy?

I have only been back five days including today and I have realised that having a meal plan does not work as well as I intended it.

1) I sometimes think, hmmmm, I should buy this as well.

2) The other day, my lid broke in my pan and as a result, I had to throw the food away.

3) Some of my meal choices aren't exactly ... great...

I've been so eager to eat healthily that I have neglected eating well.

For instance, I've decided that I would have spinach and a boiled egg for breakfast. Trust me, it is not filling at all! I spent the morning half asleep until I had lunch.

So far, I have spent most of my days either half asleep or so tired that I have to rest during the day.

It is funny really. I usually over eat. At home anyway. Now however, I am not evening enough.

I think as opposed to trying to lose weight, I will just try to maintain my weight.

I wish as opposed to eating