lacking punctuation

i am not about punctuation at the moment
deal with it

okay

the careers adviser in college is really really nice but i am worried she is pushing me to pursuit something i really do not want to do
she tries her hardest for me
she is adamant that i get specific work experience in the field of medicine so she asked gps and hospitals on my behalf and she let me borrow her medicine books that were not strictly on loan for students

she tried northwick park and a gp in egdware and no reply
i was really happy to be honest

but i felt really really bad
like she is trying so hard for me but i am just not

so i went round to gps looking for work experience
13 said no
i hate feeling rejected
like flat out no
was it something about me

however i was happy regardless
really happy

victoria a friend keen on medicine had told me time ago about a gp in kingsbury that made it so easy and let you do work experience
i kept trying to avoid it
i was like there are like 50 gps in brent closer to me
i eventually went
i felt that even if i do not want to go into medicine i should go through it
make an informed decision
and most importantly not let down the careers advisor
because she was trying so hard for me

so i have gp work experience
for a week
they suggested 2 weeks
and i was like no
i need to revise for my ukcat
which i did not think i would
i was prepared to fail in it

but then tonight right
i got an email from the careers advisors daughter
who is a gp
and she is trying to get me work experience where she works

okay i feel like an asshole
i mean so many people doing medicine would love an opportunity for someone else to do all the searching for them
and hospital work experience? that is a dream for most people aspiring to do medicine
hospitals reject
here i am not wanting to do medicine
with that opportunity
just because the careers advisor likes me
and and and and and
like she is even bothering her daughter
to help me to

so i think
oh gosh i better not fail that ukcat
that is a slap in the face

i can hang in there till september
then find the courage to say i do not want to do medicine

what do you think are the odds of that happening

me finding courage within myself
me using my voice to say no to something i do not want
me going against others expectations
me living my life on my own accords

quite pretty slim

i am the girl who let people be mean because i could not stand up for myself
i am the girl who lives in expectations
i am the girl who tries to please people
i am avoiding the word pushover
i am the girl who has been wanting to talk to this lady in church for over a year and i have never so much as started a conversation - actually i did once but that was because it was expected of me and i felt pressured to do so from the lady who told me about her
i am the girl who did a girls btec work she wasn't even like my friend or anything

well there

i should not accept that
i know i should not
i know i know i know i know i know
i hated myself once
i started liking me
i do not respect myself enough evidently
i treat myself like a bin
i do not exercise as much as i should
i over eat
though i consider it a bit good that i do not use laxatives and pills or vomit
i want to lose weight and be healthy
not in an unhealthy way
i haven't gained wait for a while actually
i am under 100 kg a bit under though
i want to learn how to swim
but i am scared of people watching me
and thinking she doesnt belong and she is ugly and fat and a freak
i think sometimes that is what people think
i feel hideous sometimes
like ewh look at me
i sometimes dread being around crowds and leaving the house
but i force myself to anyway
and try to ignore myself
its hardest like the first days of term
i feel so so so so so like people are watching and because i am an anomoly
but the days after are easier
i find that if i create a good impression and i am happy and smiley and if i so not eat much around other people that they may perhaps see me as having a nice inside and judge me based on the inside
there are just the people who stuff like this do not matter around
like bob :) love her
i am missing her loads at the moment
i just want a hug
and to hear her voice or something
i feel like i would lose my mind without her
perhaps theres a chance i am losing my mind with her

what was i on about

i never intended to like complain so much
wow
that all just sort of came out

ugh i really do not want september to come

i am worried
when aren't i
i am probably predisposed to worry
i always always do
about what people think the future
i started revising a levels in the summer because i was worried i would fail
i try to please others because i am worried i will fail them
i worry that people just do not want me around
i worry that i am a burden on others
i remember i told mrs hamdoun that i was a liability and she told me never to use that word again and i tried not to
i worry that i live my life for other people
i worry that my parents will die
i worry that what i say is the last thing i will say to a person
i worry that before the next time i will see a person they will be dead
i am such an irrational mess sometimes
people think i am organised
i worry i am not happy enough
i worry that i do not deserve my best friend and i have not made up for my faults and year 11
i worry that she thinks about how much of a horrible person i am and i am worried she questions whether she is my friend sometimes
i worry i am too needy and loud


oh yeah
i was going to make a point about courage
 hahahahah yeah its so weird and cool actually

in  church there was this priest andrew
he was leaving
it was around year 11 when i was having a bad time
there was a church service
for his leaving
he had a sermon
then pulled out two baskets of tennis balls with words written all over them
they were like 100
he had a tennis racket
he then started to throw and hit balls into the congregation
and told us that we would catch something that we will need
the words had stuff like 'compassion' 'love' 'friendship' and 'courage'
i was thinking wow this is an absolute health and safety violation

guess which tennis ball i caught
the one saying 'courage'

hahahaha

i thought, i do not need courage
i needed courage then
i felt broken completely
i can't even understand fully why
things were falling apart
i felt hollow
i needed courage to talk
to not just let myself live in the mess i created

i had it then

i need it now and in the months to follow

i need the courage to first and foremost and most importantly trust myself
15/08/14 - 'always trust yourself and your decisions!' Mrs Saeed told me through email
hahaha i wrote that down
i have a book of words that inspire me
it is easier said than done
i was about to call it ironic
i trust others more than i trust myself
but i am not so sure if that is true really
hmmmmm thats food for thought i guess

not now though
i need sleep

Also thank you God wherever you are and if you are reading this somewhere up there or something.
Thanks for my talents and abilities and thank you for giving me the ability to articulate myself and thank you for always throwing opportunities. There are times when I think, well what if all the doors are closed? What if there is nothing left for me? What if I should just dwindle in defeat but you have always got something planned.

:)

Good night

I am happy
i am really
i am not trying to convince myself that
i want to cry to be honest
but there is quite a bit of happiness too

okay really

goodnight now :)

i listened to miley cyrus the climb
it is quite good

i typed in motivational music on youtube
i skipped the relationship based ones
and listened to some
and i think i prefer sad florence and the machine songs

i get why florence writes so many songs about water
the feel of it is amazing
i went hyde park to the fountains with Agata before she left
and it felt refreshing