How I feel

I used to think fondly of the past
but fondness never did last
soon enough I see properly
and there is an idiot who acts impulsively

and who cannot control the pace
in which her words fall

I am terrified and confused about what is to come

on the other side are adults
jobs, children, menopause
UCAS and Uni stress gone
still though plenty of decisions

and my mind has never been made
I am the girl whose opinions can always
be changed 

infatuation has never been so adamant
I see you in my dreams and destiny

I know it's horrendously cheesy
but you belong with me 

coffee stains my morning breath
come afternoon, I'm horribly tired
from what? Nothing. Nothing much
 no exams, structure or school

no early morning rush

I am just restless and purposeless 

once a month without fail
pain shoots through my legs
the sight and stench of my own blood
as always makes queasy
the questions they will ask
will definitely embarrass me
I'd rather no examination - I'll only feel uneasy

anger explosive like fire
whenever you put me down 

a child takes her mum for granted
but the mum can do the same
so why am I supposed to be ashamed
that I talked back when the problem arose
because you would not listen in the first place

it's infuriating being told off for
essentially copying what you do
you tell me to act as you say
and not as you do
when you ever say but shout

I am happy with you
there's a pang of jealousy
when you're without me
life runs so much more smoothly

amazed at how supportive others can be
and how much beauty
light and opportunity
lies in the darkness 

it's quite tedious, this game
constantly I am lost
only to be found again 

I try figure out where I belong
but it is not long
till I am somewhere else 

but you said I would not by myself 

where ever life pulled me
but quite frankly
it hurts that your presence
in my life could be so silent

you now, more and more these days
I look at myself and say,
you know what, I actually like me
see how I have developed gradually
to a strong, empowered young lady
one whom still cannot accept what she sees
in the mirror, but I'm developing day by day
eventually, I will find my way
at entire whole self acceptance

I am hopeful that all my attempts to have a break
from stress prove fruitful
and that I take these opportunities
and use them to the full

every word and action
in my heart leaves a trace
I will forever be inspired by many