Consider yourself one of us!

This week, I have been doing work experience in Brampton Health Centre in Kingsbury and tomorrow is my last day and I have to say, I do not want to leave and I wish I told the lady that I would do two weeks instead of one.

On the Monday, I did not know what to do. I came and stood in front of the office waiting for the person in front of me to deal with their enquiry and when the receptionist saw me, she told me to come inside and I stood awkwardly till I felt as if she had given me permission to sit.

Then I just sort of sat around all day. I did 5 hours of shredding. At first I was fascinated by the machine - I need one of them, I thought - but when paper got jammed, I thought, well, why am I not surprise, I screwed up something. Rita - one of the receptionists told me that I should not let the shredder get too hot and what did I do? Let it get hot. I thought that she would shout at me but instead she just laughed.

The nurse was quite cool. She let me ask questions but that was only for like an hour or so.


On Tuesday, I felt a little more comfortable and confident. On the Monday, I avoided looking at people in the eyes and sat there indifferent when they were laughing. Today, I met an actual doctor. He was so nice to me. He came into the office and instead of looking at me and then deciding that I did not exist, he introduced himself to me, asked for my name and told me that at 9:30 I could go sit in with him and watch GP appointments. Which, quite frankly, I was eager to do, compared to all the' shredding. I was a bit anxious - he made it clear that I could, in fact should ask questions. I had a couple of questions, but they were all the usual typical questions that he probably heard lots of time before.

I asked them anyway, so I seemed interested - which I actually was. I asked why he became a doctor and his reply struck me by so much surprise that I could not wipe the surprise of my face for him not to see it. 'You tell me.' He said. And he was serious. If I want to be a doctor, he continued, then I had to answer the question when applying for Uni's and interviews, so he was giving me an opportunity to answer from what I observed, why he did the job.

He asked me to answer the question, then I stuttered and said, because it is a constant challenge. It was, from what it seemed. 10 - 15 minutes for each patient. Language barrier - most of the patients today did not speak English as a first language, so despite the limited time frame, he he would have to communicate using English and gestures to explain something to someone who barely knew English. In addition to this, the patients weren't exactly knowledgeable about their own situation so they would throw out bits and bobs and he would have to prioritize and discard information, all in 10 - 15 minutes. For instance, some people may say inflammation of chest when it is really lower down in the abdomen that had problems. Also, everything was a new situation. Every 10 - 15 minutes, he would be given a brand new puzzle to solve. One minute, a young girl with tonsillitis, then the next, an old man with knee pains even though he had been given two knee replacement surgeries.

He had to deal with other non patient issues as well. For instance, NHS cut backs and the ageing population. It is a job, he said, that really engages the mind. You have to be compassionate and communicate well and want to help people. You have to be nosy. I also realized that as well as being compassionate and caring about the patient, you have to be not afraid to carry out something intrusive, for instance a smear test. He made me watch a - I do not know what he was called but he was looking up a lady's genital area for something.


The receptionists were so cool. They had a box of chocolates on the desk and every now and then told me to take one. They also talked to me and made jokes. I had to do quite a bit of filing. By Wednesday, I had warmed to them and did not find it awkward talking to them and even joking back.  :)

There was this lady - Bharti - whose mum died. I knew because she kept telling people as to explain why she went on holiday. She is a little lady for 57 and had long black hair with several gray streaks, but it suits her regardless. The room where I was filing is a small room with the words, 'Private' and a 'keep shut, fire door.' It is not a fire door, though. It is sort of the garage. It has: lots of files; a desk with a microwave; tumble dryer, washing machine, mini fridge, boxes and a cupboard with coffee and tea making equipment. Therefore, I was never alone for too long as a member of staff kept coming in to make coffee or tea or just hot water (for Rita, who was dieting).

Bharti came in and started to make conversation. We were talking about what subjects I do, then she asked how long I was there for and I said 9 - 4 and then she said she worked longer before but had to cut her hours because it was too much. Then, she said that she was angry. Like in a tiny, not so angry voice. I did not want to be rude and ignore her but i did not want to be intrusive either and ask why. However, deciding it was the nicest option to ask why, I did. She said it was because of Northwick Park Hospital where her mum died. They had a story today about how they did not feed or water the old people there and how they just let them die. She went there asking them for them to release her so they could take her home where she would be comfortable, but they said no and then she died. It was so sad. Like, she was actually crying. I did not know what to do. I felt helpless, like what do I do or say? I can't exactly brush it over. But then I thought imagine how much more helpless she must feel, so I got up and hugged her and gave her tissue.

In the afternoon, I sat with Mariam. She is 18 and really nice. :)

Thursday, today, I sat with the nurse. A different one this time. She was quite really nice, explaining everything and even letting me feel the patients pulse and look up one patients ear. She let me stay in the room for a smear test - which I really did not want to. The patient could not speak English. She asked her if she was sexually active and the patient said no. The nurse asked 'Virgin?' loudly and she replied 'Yes.' The nurse must have doubted this so she called in an Arabic translator who translated that the lady had children. Unless she was the virgin Mary or God had given her a miracle, I doubt she was a virgin.

A man and his mother came in. He was quite rude to the nurse. She called him a wanker afterwards and got so angry,

Tomorrow is my last day. :( I want to stay there forever. I already feel part of the furniture.

I will really actually miss it. I am glad I did it despite dreading it at first. I feel a bit more confident at the moment, so that is good. Also, I am thinking. Perhaps I should do medicine?

Okay, before, I did not want to because I had no conviction myself. I only wanted to do it because my Dad wants me to become a doctor and he always keeps pulling shit like before I die... I felt coerced sort of to go into a path I did not want to which scared me. I did not want to become a doctor. However, I got that a bit wrong. I do not want to become a hospital Doctor. I realize now, there are other possibilities like GP Doctor or Psychiatrist. After this work experience, I do not feel as if I am compromising my feelings or life to do something I do not want to. Imagine that? Dr Moronfolu. However, I want a more active lifestyle - GP's sit a lot. I think perhaps I do not want to become a hospital doctor as I got the role messed up a bit in my head because of shows like Scrubs where the doctors all raise around to save a patients life and they die - whilst that is the reality for some doctors - there are other pathways as well such as a children's doctor or gynecologist or something.

I feel like an idiot. I was scared of the monster under my bed that I wasn't even sure was a monster. I mean, i did no research into the career but just feared going into medicine because I felt like the only reason why I was considering it was because of expectations. However, it is just as broad as Psychology and if I did it, I would probably be able to find a career I would like. That being said, does not mean I will apply for medicine in September. I just feel a bit more empowered, confident and informed about my future.


I will, I should, have a look about careers in Psychology. SHIT..... I just realized I can message Judy. :) Hahahaha that's the good thing about Facebook. Also, I will ask the lady who is an educational Psychologist in church and I will ask Miss Saeed if I can talk to her mum about psychology pathways as she is a family psychologist.

I saw a picture of Agata and her brother in Poland, with I think, candy floss on Facebook. I cannot help but think, why can't you be here instead of Poland though I feel a bit bad because she looked like she was having fun. But is just sort of sucks right. Like I do not k now how she is doing or anything and the only way to find out is Facebook. 

Today, in church, they did a service where they were 'celebrating youth' in the church and where they were heading next. It was weird; people who I haven't seen for years (well that is an exaggeration) turned up. 

They made most of the young people who were heading in new directions to stand up in front of the congregation - like 50 to 60 people. I was stood there and people were looking front and I was just looking down at the ground like please swallow me up. It was ridiculous. I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed and nervous for no reason. 

lacking punctuation

i am not about punctuation at the moment
deal with it

okay

the careers adviser in college is really really nice but i am worried she is pushing me to pursuit something i really do not want to do
she tries her hardest for me
she is adamant that i get specific work experience in the field of medicine so she asked gps and hospitals on my behalf and she let me borrow her medicine books that were not strictly on loan for students

she tried northwick park and a gp in egdware and no reply
i was really happy to be honest

but i felt really really bad
like she is trying so hard for me but i am just not

so i went round to gps looking for work experience
13 said no
i hate feeling rejected
like flat out no
was it something about me

however i was happy regardless
really happy

victoria a friend keen on medicine had told me time ago about a gp in kingsbury that made it so easy and let you do work experience
i kept trying to avoid it
i was like there are like 50 gps in brent closer to me
i eventually went
i felt that even if i do not want to go into medicine i should go through it
make an informed decision
and most importantly not let down the careers advisor
because she was trying so hard for me

so i have gp work experience
for a week
they suggested 2 weeks
and i was like no
i need to revise for my ukcat
which i did not think i would
i was prepared to fail in it

but then tonight right
i got an email from the careers advisors daughter
who is a gp
and she is trying to get me work experience where she works

okay i feel like an asshole
i mean so many people doing medicine would love an opportunity for someone else to do all the searching for them
and hospital work experience? that is a dream for most people aspiring to do medicine
hospitals reject
here i am not wanting to do medicine
with that opportunity
just because the careers advisor likes me
and and and and and
like she is even bothering her daughter
to help me to

so i think
oh gosh i better not fail that ukcat
that is a slap in the face

i can hang in there till september
then find the courage to say i do not want to do medicine

what do you think are the odds of that happening

me finding courage within myself
me using my voice to say no to something i do not want
me going against others expectations
me living my life on my own accords

quite pretty slim

i am the girl who let people be mean because i could not stand up for myself
i am the girl who lives in expectations
i am the girl who tries to please people
i am avoiding the word pushover
i am the girl who has been wanting to talk to this lady in church for over a year and i have never so much as started a conversation - actually i did once but that was because it was expected of me and i felt pressured to do so from the lady who told me about her
i am the girl who did a girls btec work she wasn't even like my friend or anything

well there

i should not accept that
i know i should not
i know i know i know i know i know
i hated myself once
i started liking me
i do not respect myself enough evidently
i treat myself like a bin
i do not exercise as much as i should
i over eat
though i consider it a bit good that i do not use laxatives and pills or vomit
i want to lose weight and be healthy
not in an unhealthy way
i haven't gained wait for a while actually
i am under 100 kg a bit under though
i want to learn how to swim
but i am scared of people watching me
and thinking she doesnt belong and she is ugly and fat and a freak
i think sometimes that is what people think
i feel hideous sometimes
like ewh look at me
i sometimes dread being around crowds and leaving the house
but i force myself to anyway
and try to ignore myself
its hardest like the first days of term
i feel so so so so so like people are watching and because i am an anomoly
but the days after are easier
i find that if i create a good impression and i am happy and smiley and if i so not eat much around other people that they may perhaps see me as having a nice inside and judge me based on the inside
there are just the people who stuff like this do not matter around
like bob :) love her
i am missing her loads at the moment
i just want a hug
and to hear her voice or something
i feel like i would lose my mind without her
perhaps theres a chance i am losing my mind with her

what was i on about

i never intended to like complain so much
wow
that all just sort of came out

ugh i really do not want september to come

i am worried
when aren't i
i am probably predisposed to worry
i always always do
about what people think the future
i started revising a levels in the summer because i was worried i would fail
i try to please others because i am worried i will fail them
i worry that people just do not want me around
i worry that i am a burden on others
i remember i told mrs hamdoun that i was a liability and she told me never to use that word again and i tried not to
i worry that i live my life for other people
i worry that my parents will die
i worry that what i say is the last thing i will say to a person
i worry that before the next time i will see a person they will be dead
i am such an irrational mess sometimes
people think i am organised
i worry i am not happy enough
i worry that i do not deserve my best friend and i have not made up for my faults and year 11
i worry that she thinks about how much of a horrible person i am and i am worried she questions whether she is my friend sometimes
i worry i am too needy and loud


oh yeah
i was going to make a point about courage
 hahahahah yeah its so weird and cool actually

in  church there was this priest andrew
he was leaving
it was around year 11 when i was having a bad time
there was a church service
for his leaving
he had a sermon
then pulled out two baskets of tennis balls with words written all over them
they were like 100
he had a tennis racket
he then started to throw and hit balls into the congregation
and told us that we would catch something that we will need
the words had stuff like 'compassion' 'love' 'friendship' and 'courage'
i was thinking wow this is an absolute health and safety violation

guess which tennis ball i caught
the one saying 'courage'

hahahaha

i thought, i do not need courage
i needed courage then
i felt broken completely
i can't even understand fully why
things were falling apart
i felt hollow
i needed courage to talk
to not just let myself live in the mess i created

i had it then

i need it now and in the months to follow

i need the courage to first and foremost and most importantly trust myself
15/08/14 - 'always trust yourself and your decisions!' Mrs Saeed told me through email
hahaha i wrote that down
i have a book of words that inspire me
it is easier said than done
i was about to call it ironic
i trust others more than i trust myself
but i am not so sure if that is true really
hmmmmm thats food for thought i guess

not now though
i need sleep

Also thank you God wherever you are and if you are reading this somewhere up there or something.
Thanks for my talents and abilities and thank you for giving me the ability to articulate myself and thank you for always throwing opportunities. There are times when I think, well what if all the doors are closed? What if there is nothing left for me? What if I should just dwindle in defeat but you have always got something planned.

:)

Good night

I am happy
i am really
i am not trying to convince myself that
i want to cry to be honest
but there is quite a bit of happiness too

okay really

goodnight now :)

i listened to miley cyrus the climb
it is quite good

i typed in motivational music on youtube
i skipped the relationship based ones
and listened to some
and i think i prefer sad florence and the machine songs

i get why florence writes so many songs about water
the feel of it is amazing
i went hyde park to the fountains with Agata before she left
and it felt refreshing

My First Article :)

I joined the BHP youth news paper. BHP stands for Brent Housing Partnership. I felt really out of place. Half the people there wanted to do something English based. There was one who did an actuary sciences degree and one who wanted to 'be a physicist' and 'die happy.' No surprise - he was male.

We were discussing the August 2015 edition. This girl was doing an article on this boy in her class who started a tie dye company. There was this other guy talking about Brent - Eton summer school. I felt like I had contributed nothing so I mentioned that perhaps an article about the change of A levels should be put in and I was then asked to write it. 

So here it is:

In an attempt to make A levels more challenging and rigorous, as of September 2015, A levels are set to change. The changes to A levels are to be phased in. From September 2015, changes will be introduced for subjects such as Biology, Chemistry and English. However, Maths and other subjects will be introduced in 2016 or 2017. Exams will be linear - they will be taken at the end of two years. This will make retaking, if not impossible, a lot harder.

However will the decision to make A levels harder and limit retakes benefit students?

First of all, how will UCAS work after the reform? Teachers and UCAS rely on your AS grades to predict A2 grades. Surely not having AS grades will make the process of UCAS more strenuous for both parties? Students will not have any way to indicate their ability except for GCSE grades. However, relying in GCSE's alone can be misleading.

Conversely, reducing the amount of retakes may drive up standards. Some students, possibly under the assumption that they can retake the next year, do not try their hardest. However, only getting one shot will encourage some students to take A levels more seriously.

Wouldn't that be better preparation for University, where one is unable to retake a year?

Also, the new system may be better for selecting candidates for University. If you have retaken a subject 3 times then you will probably be more likely to get an A* in the subject than someone who has only taken the exam once. Imagine a person who retakes twice A levels twice and gets A*A*A on the second attempt. A second person with a similar personal statement and same A levels gets an A*AA first time round. Only one can be picked. Who do you take? The one who managed to get a good grade the first time or the one who got higher? With the reforms to A levels students who get their grades the first time may have a fairer opportunity in the selection process.

However, the burden put on young adults should be considered. Stress creeps into aspects of everyday life and the amount of stress in doing all your exams for two years in one will be a lot. One shot to get it right! One shot to get the grades you need, so that you can get into the University you want to, doing the course you want to and able to pursue the job you want to afterwards.

Whether the reforms for A levels will hinder students or encourage students to reach their potential will be left to time to tell.

Induction

Today was the Wembley Library induction.

I sent my friends all the application for the Wembley Library volunteer because they were all complaining about not having work experience.

Guess who did not submit it? All of them.

One friend was  like, no, I do not want to go beach with the estate, ewh, or I do not want to do work experience with the Library or go to the Suffra food kitchen because it is all so close and local.

What is so hard about doing things? What is so hard about putting in 3 hours a week or less even to invest in your future? Everything for most of the people I seem to know. People complain about being bored. People complain about not knowing where to start. People complain about a lack of opportunities. Then when one comes along, people make excuses. I mean, it is sad really. In classes, people are like, it is unfair that you got an A in that mock and I got a D. I am like did you study and they are like no. I am like what did you do instead and they are like I was just sort of bored. Texting. On Youtube watching stuff. Just the usual. How do people expect to get stuff done if they have no ambition?



Anyway, on to the induction.

I wore a skirt. It was a pretty skirt. :)

It was okay for me. There were many familiar faces. There was Agoro, Joy, and four librarians.

However, Fiona walked around numbering us and told us to go sit with our numbers. Alas - none of us were permitted to linger in a false sense of security and be with people we knew. We were told to talk to the person next to us. The first new friend all of us would make. Well not friend, but compared to everyone else who we did not know, we would be on better terms with them.

I turned around to this guy Leo who goes St Dominics and knows Lamis. He was really cool. He whispered comments every now and then to me.

We were made to do a test to see how well we knew the library. I knew my team would win because I had done the test last year and not to my surprise, the majority was the same. Agoro had also done the test last year too so I considered her my biggest competition.

I took the paper before anyone else could and began to scribble in answers. We were asked to write down 6 names of best sellers and one we put was 50 shades of grey. :P

My group - the famous five - eventually won. Obviously.


We were then asked to read a book and make a task out of it in 20 minutes and the book I got was Goldilocks and just the one bear. A take of the story where the bear goes into Goldilocks house. The bear is now an adult, anxious and scared about the city. Goldilocks is now a mother. At the end, both recognize each other and decide to live together which was quite cool.

The Famous Five soon became six when another guy joined. He could draw a really cool cactus!

I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT UNABLE TO GET BACK TO SLEEP AND I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT LIFE.

I THOUGHT FIRSTLY ABOUT HOW BLESSED I AM TO HAVE A LARGE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING GOING ON - BOREDOM IS OUT OF THE QUESTION! I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A TV SHOW ABOUT MY FAMILY.

I THOUGHT AS WELL THAT I AM LUCKY TO HAVE GREAT BROTHERS AND SISTERS. DESPITE OUR TENDENCY TO BE AGGRESSIVE -  PREDISPOSED BY GENES INHERITED BY MY MUM I THINK - THEY ARE ALL PRETTY COOL PEOPLE.

I LOVE ESPECIALLY HOW EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT IN THEIR OWN WAY. TO JOY, I CAN TALK ABOUT MY OPINIONS ON SOCIETY. TO TOBI, WHOSE MOST LIKE A FRIEND COMPARED TO THE REST, WE SPEND LIKE 20 MINUTES TALKING ABOUT EACH OTHERS DAYS. I AM SO IMMERSED IN HER HIGH SCHOOL DRAMAS. WE TALK ABOUT GUYS, COOL PLACES WE WANT TO GO AND WE MAKE JOKES AND WATCH TV SHOWS TOGETHER ON THE LAPTOP.

WATER CULT

TODAY I WENT HYDE PARK WITH BOB. I HAVE A MENTAL BUCKET LIST OF THINGS I WANT TO DO THIS SUMMER (TO STOP MYSELF FROM STRESSING OUT TOO MUCH ABOUT UCAS AND STUDYING).

WE MET UP AT 12:00 AND GOT ON THE TRAIN. IT WAS QUITE PACKED. THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL AND PRESUMABLY HER DAD AND SHE WAS LIKE TO HIM 'WHOSE A GOOD PARENT?' I WAS JUST SAT THERE LAUGHING. WE ATE CHERRIES ON THE TRAIN. YESTERDAY AGATA SAW SOMETHING SHE THOUGHY WAS CHERRIES ON A TREE AND DECIDED TO TRY ONE. THE DIGUST ON HER FACE WAS SO FUNNY! I DECIDING THAT I DID NOT WANT AGATA TO GET POISONED BOUGHT REAL CHERRIES.

WE GOT TO HYDE PARK THROUGH MARBLE ARCH AND HAD A LONG WALK. AGATA COULD NOT BRING HERSELF TO SAY THAT I WAS RIGHT WHEN IT  CAME TO THE DIRECTIONS. WE REACHED THE PRINCESS DIANA MEMORIAL FOUNTAIN AND BEGAN TO WALK AROUND IT AND GET WET. IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY COLD AT FIRST - LIKE WE WERE STEPPING IN ICE. HOWEVER WE SOON GOT USED TO IT.

WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD GO TO THE DEEP END SOME HOW AND ONCE THERE, WE SAT DOWN. SOON ENOUGH, WE WERE SOON ATTRACTING A LOT OF ATTENTION. THIS GIRL CAME A LONG - SOPHIA - I THINK HER MOTHER CALLED HER, AND SHE BEGUN TO WET US AND SPLASH. SHE BECAME MY SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR FOR THE DAY. I WAS REALLY SORT OF LIKE NOT JEALOUS BUT IN AWE THAT A 7 YEAR OLD COULD SWIM AND THAT I COULD NOT. SOON ENOUGH, THIS OTHER GIRL CAME, I FORGET HER NAME, BUT AGATA CALLED HER HER SOUL MATE. THIS 3 YEAR OLD BOY CAME AS WELL; AN AMERICAN SOUNDING GIRL AND A GIRL CALLED ISABEL. TOGETHER, WE DECIDED WHICH PASSERS BY WE WOULD WET AND WHICH WE WOULD ALLOW. THE AMERICAN GIRL MADE US RECITE RULES, SUCH ' WE ONLY WET PEOPLE WITH BATHING SUITS,' AND ' WE DO NOT WET PARENTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN,'

IT WAS THE MOST FUN I HAVE HAD IN AGES! I COULD NOT HELP BUT THINK THAT CHILDREN ARE SO BEAUTIFULLY INNOCENT. ONLY A CHILD WOULD RANDOMLY START TALKING TO TWO TEENAGE GIRLS AND PLAY WITH THEM. TEENAGERS WILL BE TOO CAUGHT UP ABOUT WHAT IS COOL AND WHAT IS NOT AND ADULTS WILL SCOFF AND BE LIKE 'TEENAGERS THESE DAYS!'

HOWEVER, ONE OF THE KIDS LET AGATA HUG HER WHEN SHE WAS COLD AND SOPHIA HUGGED ME AND TRIED TO REFUSE LETTING GO OF ME. SHE EVEN SAID SHE WISH I WAS HER OLDER SISTER. ISABEL TOLD AGATA SHE WISHED SHE WAS HER SISTER AND ALSO TOLD HER THAT HER DAD WORKED IN IRELAND AND SHE HARDLY SAW HIM. IT WAS SAD BECAUSE SHE WASN'T EVEN THERE WITH HER MOTHER BUT HER NANNY. :(

IT WAS A GOOD DAY

I AM GOING TO WRITE WITH CAPITALS. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, THEN GO AWAY.

I WAS GOING TO WAKE UP AT 10:00AM THEN DO A BIT OF READING AND LIKE 12:00 AM FORCE MYSELF TO A GP IN KINGSBURY TO GET GP WORK EXPERIENCE. HOWEVER, THINGS WORK OUT  DIFFERENTLY AND I AM GLAD FOR THAT!

JOY ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING AND I SAID SLEEPING AND SHE WAS LIKE I CAN WALK HER TO SCHOOL IF I LIKE AND I WAS LIKE NO. THEN AT 7:30AM I THOUGHT, MAY AS WELL. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE GP ANYWAY. SO I WALKED WITH HER AND WE REACHED ARK ELVIN AT 9:00AM AND TALKED FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES BEFORE SHE WENT IT. THAT WAS COOL. WE WERE JUST TALKING. I LIKE WHEN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS.


I WALKED SLOWLY UP THE HIGH ROAD CONFUSED AND TRYING TO THINK WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH LIFE. I WAS WALKING WHEN I LOOKED BACK AND SAW MRS APPAH AND I SAID HELLO.

WE TALKED AND SHE ASKED ME WHAT I WAS DOING  AND I SAID, I DO NOT EVEN KNOW, SO SHE WAS LIKE, FOLLOW ME. WE WENT TO WILKO WHERE SHE DID SOME SHOPPING. SHE ONLY WENT IN FOR FACE WIPES AND A WATER BOTTLE SHE TOLD ME REPEATEDLY. IT WAS A STRUGGLE. SHE FOUND SOME FACE WIPES AND CONCLUDED THAT SHE COULD NOT BUY IT BECAUSE IT WAS FRAGRANCED. SO WE WENT ON LOOKING FOR MORE WIPES BUT ALL WE FOUND WERE BABY WIPES AND TOILET WIPES SO SHE SETTLED WITH NON FRAGRANCED BABY WIPES. THEN SHE STARTED TO WALK ROUND, ASKING THE OCCASIONAL QUESTION AND TALKING AND ASKING ABOUT PRODUCTS. SHE TOLD ME ABOUT HER SON, JIMMY. I ASKED WHERE HE WENT AND SHE WAS LIKE SAME PLACE AS YOU. SHE WENT TO THE FOOD AISLE AND GOT TO PACKETS OF OREOS. THINKING THAT IT WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH, SHE CONTEMPLATED ON BUYING CRACKERS AND ASKED ME TO HELP HER LOOK FOR IT AND BRAINSTORM IDEAS ON WHAT SHE SHOULD GET. THEN WE REACHED THE CHECK OUT AND SHE WENT TO WITHDRAW MONEY FROM THE MACHINE AND SHE COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW SLOW IT WAS AND ASKED WHY IT WAS TELLING HER THANK YOU FOR USING THE MACHINE, BECAUSE SHE DID NOT USE IT FOR USING SAKE BUT TO GET MONEY OUT. THEN SHE REMEMBER THAT SHE NEEDED SOMETHING ELSE AND WE WENT TO WASHING UP LIQUID AISLE AND SHE CLAIMED TO ONLY NEEDING A SMALL BOTTLE OF SOAP BUT FOUND A LARGER BUT MORE COST EFFICIENT BOTTLE AND TOOK THAT INSTEAD.

I CARRIED THE BAG BACK FOR HER TO ARK AND SHE WAS LIKE, I CAN TRY TO GET YOU IN AND YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MARKING AND SHE SPOKE TO THE RECEPTIONIST WHO BUZZED ME IN AND LET ME IN. THEN THE RECEPTIONIST WAS LIKE, WHY DID YOU THINK I WOULD NOT LET YOU IN? THE PERKS OF BEING MYSELF IS THAT I CAN WALK INTO ARK ELVIN AND GO IN DESPITE THE HEAD TEACHER NOT WANTING ANY COPLANDERS BACK THERE. :)

I WENT TO MRS APPAH'S CLASS AND DID SOME MARKING. SOME OF THE RESPONSES WERE RIDICULOUS!

HER YEAR 7 CLASS CAME IN AND THEY ALL GAWPED AT ME LIKE A DISPLAY IN THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM. ACTUALLY, NO. IN A MUSEUM, THESE STUDENTS SEEMED THE TYPE WHO WOULD BE MORE INTERESTED IN WHETHER FREE WIFI WAS AVAILABLE OR NOT; NOT MUSEUMS. THEY TRIED TO ASK ME QUESTIONS. ONE BOY WAS STARING AT ME FASCINATED. FASCINATED - MIKE TOLD US NEVER TO USE IT ON OUR PERSONAL STATEMENT OR ELSE THE PERSON WILL HAVE A RESPONSE LIKE, 'FASCINATED, WERE YOU?' SAID IN A DULL MANNER.

THEN, WHEN 10:45 HIT, I ASKED MRS APPAH IF I COULD GO SEE MISS SAEED. I WAS THINKING, NOW I AM IN THERE, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE NOT TO GO SEE HER. I MEAN, I ONLY AGREED TO DO MARKING BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE A CHANCE TO LIKE GO SEE MRS SAEED. I DON'T KNOW. I  JUST REALLY WANTED TO SEE HER. SHE IS SO AWESOME I WAS CONSIDERING STAYING IN COPLAND JUST SIO THAT I COULD STILL LIKE BE AROUND HER - YES, SAD, I KNOW... BUT YEAH.
MRS APPAH, THANKFULLY, SAID SHE WOULD TAKE ME TO HER.

WE WENT PAST THE ENGLISH CLASSES LOOKING FOR MRS SAEED AND WE FOUND HER CLASS BUT SHE WAS NOT IN IT SO I WAS A BIT CRESTFALLEN, HOWEVER, I LOOKED AHEAD AND THERE SHE WAS. I WENT UP TO HER AND SHE NEVER NOTICED AND SHE WAS TALKING - ACTUALLY, TELLING A KID OFF - SO I THOUGHT, I WILL SCARE HER WHEN SHE LOOKS AT ME, BUT THEN SHE REALIZED I WAS THERE BEFORE I GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TOO.

WE WALKED AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMEWHERE TO SIT AND ARRIVED AT THE LIBRARY. IT LOOKED SORT OF EMPTY FOR ALL THE BOOK SHELVES WERE MOVED.

SHE WAS LIKE THE REASON SHE DID NOT REPLY TO MY EMAILS YET WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS WAITING FOR THE END OF TERM AND THAT SHE WANTED TO TALK TO ME, LIKE IN AN OPEN PLACE LIKE OVER COFFEE OR SOMETHING AND SHE TOOK MY NUMBER AND GAVE ME HERS AND WAS LIKE WE SHOULD MEET UP LIKE IN TWO OR THREE WEEKS TIME AND SHE SAID WE SHOULD GET LAMBS INVOLVED AS WELL.

WE TALKED ABOUT RANDOM STUFF. I MISS THAT. IT IS WEIRD. LIKE TEACHERS IN COLLEGE ARE APPROACHABLE, BUT NOT ON LIKE A 'I REALLY CARE' LEVEL. LIKE THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU AIM TO WRITE ON UCAS AND CAREER AND UNI PLAN OR SOMETHING. THEY WANT TO KNOW VAGUELY ABOUT YOUR INTERESTS - IF THEY ARE MIKE MALONE - AND ABOUT NONE OF THE ABOVE, IF YOU ARE SEN. HOWEVER, WITH A LOT OF THE HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS, THEY WOULD ASK YOU ABOUT OTHER STUFF AS WELL AND THERE WAS MISS SAEED WHO I COULD JUST TALK TO ABOUT RANDOM STUFF. LIKE IN COLLEGE, THEY HAVE AN OPEN DOOR POLICY, SO WHEN A TEACHER IS IN THE CLASS, YOU CAN COME IN. HOWEVER, YOU DO NOT REALLY FEEL WELCOMED. BUT WITH MISS, EVEN IF THERE WAS NOT AN OPEN DOOR POLICY, HER DOOR WOULD BE OPEN AND PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE WELCOMED. THAT IS WHY PEOPLE LOVE HER AND WHY THEY ARE ALWAYS IN HER CLASS. :)

Horsenden Hill

We went Horsenden Hill after church yesterday.

On Saturday, after Agata left, I met up with Xiao. I am helping her with her English. She and my sister got on really well. She bought Busayo a drink and they talked about stuff. I had went away for a couple of minutes and she was telling me my sister said she was scared and nervous about starting year 3 next year.

I feel bad for people without siblings or present ones. It must get really lonely just being in a house all my yourself with very little interactions. My siblings may be mean sometimes and little hell raisers but  without them, things would be so boring!

Busayo ended up suggesting that we should play hide and seek and I agreed reluctantly. I agreed to count first round because me hiding is sitting blatantly in a chair and hoping that it is obvious where I am. Busayo, however, as we realized, is a master hider. Xiao was worried that we would loose her.


I want to help Xiao. We had an idea that we should have like a group of people all just talking about stuff to encourage her talking English. However, plans have not taken off.

Busayo asked me if she could go park after and I said no and I promised, 'Tomorrow.'


I was true to my promise and despite the bleak weather, we went park anyway.


Actually, I got angry in church! Valerie the priest tried to hint that people were stealing money out of the collection plate and that 'a few of the pounds were just going missing.' How would they go missing? Walking of the plates? Or something weird happening? Obviously, everyone was clear that she was subtly trying to suggest that someone was stealing stuff. I got angry especially as I am the one as well as Joy who does the collection plate AND I SURE AS HELL WILL NOT STEAL FROM A CHURCH!

After church we went Horsenden Hill. Tobi stayed in the car. Her legs hurt. They always do these days. She is not only lazy but stupid. She was told she had a vitamin D deficiency and she doesn't take the medication. So bone pains being a side effect of the deficiency, obviously a person would want to do something about that?

Eni went back home through the car. He kept saying that if we did not move - as we obstructed the front of the car - that he would run us over with his car. I was like, you cannot even afford to rent a barclay's bike, so how do you expect to run us over?


We walked to Horsenden Hill by foot and went to the park then pirate ship. Soon, despite not intending to, we found ourselves on the hill. Not walking up. That is the funny bit. Yomi kept saying we should walk straight and we found ourselves, not actually walking up but around. Soon we were in Greenford and had to make our way from there.

We got on the 92 and there were these loud black girls on the bus and we avoided looking at them bu we could hear their conversation and it was stupid.

How I feel

I used to think fondly of the past
but fondness never did last
soon enough I see properly
and there is an idiot who acts impulsively

and who cannot control the pace
in which her words fall

I am terrified and confused about what is to come

on the other side are adults
jobs, children, menopause
UCAS and Uni stress gone
still though plenty of decisions

and my mind has never been made
I am the girl whose opinions can always
be changed 

infatuation has never been so adamant
I see you in my dreams and destiny

I know it's horrendously cheesy
but you belong with me 

coffee stains my morning breath
come afternoon, I'm horribly tired
from what? Nothing. Nothing much
 no exams, structure or school

no early morning rush

I am just restless and purposeless 

once a month without fail
pain shoots through my legs
the sight and stench of my own blood
as always makes queasy
the questions they will ask
will definitely embarrass me
I'd rather no examination - I'll only feel uneasy

anger explosive like fire
whenever you put me down 

a child takes her mum for granted
but the mum can do the same
so why am I supposed to be ashamed
that I talked back when the problem arose
because you would not listen in the first place

it's infuriating being told off for
essentially copying what you do
you tell me to act as you say
and not as you do
when you ever say but shout

I am happy with you
there's a pang of jealousy
when you're without me
life runs so much more smoothly

amazed at how supportive others can be
and how much beauty
light and opportunity
lies in the darkness 

it's quite tedious, this game
constantly I am lost
only to be found again 

I try figure out where I belong
but it is not long
till I am somewhere else 

but you said I would not by myself 

where ever life pulled me
but quite frankly
it hurts that your presence
in my life could be so silent

you now, more and more these days
I look at myself and say,
you know what, I actually like me
see how I have developed gradually
to a strong, empowered young lady
one whom still cannot accept what she sees
in the mirror, but I'm developing day by day
eventually, I will find my way
at entire whole self acceptance

I am hopeful that all my attempts to have a break
from stress prove fruitful
and that I take these opportunities
and use them to the full

every word and action
in my heart leaves a trace
I will forever be inspired by many

Weeks of things

A week of things 

Okay, so I have been really busy this week. I feel tired and washed out mentally. I feel a bit lousy, like, ugh, I only had to stick to a deadline. I had so much free time and I could have been doing all the things that I needed to in between. On the other hand, I am telling that voice to shut up, because it is hard getting up every day and going places, then coming home and having stuff to do. It is hard to find time to have order and organisation when time as well is needed to relax. 

I have been to three university open days this week and to the Royal Institution for a Maths lecture. I have been out and about doing shopping and trying to find work experience. Then when I have come home, my feet have been aching. I want to go out and go on jogs and be health. I heard that sitting down for more than three hours elevates the risk of heart disease and I am worried even though ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING elevates any risk of ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. I hear stuff all the time, like Cancer is caused by this or do this and you risk cancer and I am just like, but what doesn't cause it / put you at risk? I feel like I should get out and get active anyway, but when I come home, there is so much to do. Mum usually finds something to spring up on me, like go get a calling card or go do this and I have to go back out again. Then I come home and I think, okay, I need to get something done. I need to get some revision done or I need to read around the subject I want to do or take my sister out because she is so bored and she is put as my responsibility as if I am her mum or something. Linda, Busayo has a trip tomorrow, what are you going to buy for her packed lunch? 

It is weird that I feel really stressed. It is holiday. Why isn't anyone replying to their emails. I asked Wendy for a reference and a hospital for work experience and a GP for work experience and no one replies so what am I supposed to do because I do not know. Hahahahaha my sentences seem all incoherent today like it is all over the place. 

I feel like I have bitten of too much than I can chew here. Oh flip. I have written so many plans for the bloody summer. I have a revision plan and I have written a UCAS plan and it is so much... okay, whatever, who gives a crap I just need to chill so much.

It is a holiday by the way

Today, there was a heat wave. I saw an article in the Evening standard implying that the buses were so hot they were not fit to carry cattle in it - let alone people. Trust me, it really was excruciatingly warm! 

Believe it or not, I only went Harrow College because my best friend Bob was going. When she left, I thought, damn, this was a bad decision. I could have went Preston Manor where you can pull computers up from desks or stayed at Ark Elvin, where there would, despite all the changes, be stability. I would still be able to see Mrs Saeed there. 

Now I think, I am glad a so called bad decision led me to Harrow College. When making a decision, people think of the immediate consequences and think, oh this was bad but this was good. However, we cannot see the full picture. 

If I stayed Ark, Mrs Saeed would have left and I would not have anyone who knew me well to give me a UCAS reference. It would be incredibly unstable and I would be around Syed - who annoys me - and Haydn - the type of guy who takes a picture of his d*** and shows it to people. 

If I went Preston Manor, I would have hated all the rules. 

It is perfect at Harrow College. 

It is really supportive. :) 

I got called around 9:00 am from the careers advisor at college. 

She was unable to see me in College because she had a lot of meetings but she corresponded with me with emails to find a good time to call me.

I went to Northwick Park and asked the lady on the front desk if they did work experience and she said no. But the careers advisor has tried to arrange some for me. She also said that she would give her niece my number and email for her to contact me.

At 9:30 I met up with Madvhi and Nikita. We walked back to my house to check if I closed the front door; I was unsure, okay? It turns out I did close the door.

We ventured to City of London University. Madvhi went to the radiology talk and Nikita and I went to the Psychology talk. It was a 1 hour talk and I felt bored. I was 3 psychology talks later. But I am glad I went! I asked the guy about my personal statement and how to integrate Psychology and Medicine and he said I should link it with psychiatry, so challenge accepted. 

We bought lunch and left. I wanted to go home but Madvhi and Nikita wanted to find somewhere nice to have lunch. I did not care. We got on a 4 to Waterloo. The bus was on diversion! Imagine, to get to the museum of London bus stop would have taken 7 minutes but the bus took half an hour. It took an hour to Waterloo. I often suggested getting of the bus and going to a near station and GOING HOME! It was ridiculously humid on the bus. I thought as if I was being suffocated! Madvhi voiced her complains as well, saying, Nikita, we should have really got off. 

However, Nikita was adamant that we got to Waterloo. 

It was worth it! 

We had a beautiful view of London. There was the Thames, London eye and houses of Parliament. I feel the need to get out into London and explore! 

We laid under a tree and ate then walked around. 

We reached a water fountain. 

Madvhi - Guys OMG lets go in

Nikita - No

Madvhi - Olugbemi?

Me-But I do not want to get wet.

Madvhi - Come on!

Me - But my stuff will get wet.

Nikita - I will hold it.

Me - (Reluctantly) Thinks this is stupid and ridiculous and we will be wt with no clothes. But then... 

Fine.

So that is how I got soaking wet. The colour of my jeans started to run and my white shoes because lined with blue. My eyes became itchy and soon they were red and my hair - weave - was wet. My top was so soaked, that even after 2 hours in the sun, it was still dry. 

It was worth it!

]

The one above, I call, shall we go in?

The ones below are:

Immersed in Water (1) (2) (3)

The one's below are called: Okay, we are soaking wet (1) (2)

This one below is called let's go back in! 

 We kept leaving the water fountains after like 5 minutes and then, each time, we decided, we are wet anyway, let's go back in. We did that like 4 times.

I need to sleep early tomorrow. I am going to the Cambridge opening day and I have to leave the house at 7:00 am. 

I am so happy. I got a Chemistry A2 book for £6:00 only! It costs like £25.00 in store! 

My brother brought up Mrs Saeed yesterday in a conversation. It is weird. Like I do not get to talk to her anymore. In Copland, I was in her class so much of the time. Most mornings and some lunch times and sometimes during lunch time and break time and we used to talk. Like sometimes about specific stuff but then sometimes  nonsense. I miss her. She was a great person. It really sucks that if I want to find out how she is, I have to ask my brother and vice versa. Anyway, I asked him how she was and he told me that she seemed upset and I felt like bad so I emailed her to ask if she is okay because my brother said she seemed like she was not, but I do not know. She might not reply. She might. Only time will tell. 

Au revior guys! I like that word. I found out that it does not mean bye but till the next time. :)