I WENT TO A BOOK STORE YESTERDAY, I ONCE READ THIS QUOTE SOMEWHERE BY SOMEONE IMPLYING THAT HEAVEN IS A PLACE WITH BOOKS AND I TOTALLY AGREE.
I SAW THIS QUOTE IN THIS BOOK. IT IS A BOOK I KEEP COMING BACK TO AND ON EACH OCCASION I OPEN IT - TWICE NOW - I FIND SOMETHING THAT CHANGES ME A BIT SOMEHOW.
THE BOOK SAID 'WHEN I LOVED MYSELF ENOUGH I RECOGNISED THAT MY COURAGE AND FEAR, MY NAIVETY AND WISDOM, AND I MAKE A PLACE FOR EACH AT MY TABLE.' CONSIDER THE METAPHOR OF A TABLE. A KITCHEN TABLE PERHAPS? SURROUNDED BY YOUR FAMILY. PERHAPS A WORK TABLE, SURROUNDED BY EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO USE FOR WORK. AROUND ONE TABLE SITS IMPORTANT PEOPLE AND ON THE OTHER LIES IMPORTANT FILES AND UTENSILS, HOWEVER ON THE AUTHORS TABLES LIES FLAWS AND QUALITIES - BOTH OF WHICH ACCOMMODATED BY THE TABLE AS IMPORTANT. ON THE TABLE YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING. NOTHING LIES HIDDEN OR LURKING IN THE SHADOWS. NOTHING IS RENDERED AS NOT NEEDED ON NOT USELESS. THE QUOTE INSPIRED ME, BECAUSE USUALLY PEOPLE TRY TO HIDE FLAWS OR THINGS THAT MAKE THEM VULNERABLE, SUCH AS FEAR AND PANIC, HOWEVER IMAGINE TAKING ALL THE FLAWS AND QUALITIES IN ITS STRIDE? LIKE FOR ME, I GET IRRITATED AT MYSELF QUITE A BIT. AT HOW MUCH I AM A PEOPLE PLEASING PUSHOVER. I TAKE QUALITIES FOR GRANTED AND I HATE ACCEPTING COMPLIMENTS; THINKING ABOUT IT, IF I WERE ABLE TO ACCEPT ALL OF MY FLAWS AND QUALITIES AS TRUTHS AND OF IMPORTANCE, THEN I WOULD GET ALONG WITH MYSELF A LOT BETTER. I WOULD APPRECIATE MYSELF A LOT BETTER AND I WOULD LOVE MYSELF A LOT BETTER.
TODAY I WENT HORSENDEN HILL. THE IDEA OF GOING BY MYSELF SEEMED PEACEFUL AND ALLURING - QUIETNESS AND TIME TO THINK. NORMALLY BREATHING IS SHALLOW AND PASSIVE AND MY HEART NEVER REALLY GETS MUCH OPPORTUNITY THESE DAYS TO SHOW OFF HOW FAST IT CAN PUMP BLOOD IF THE OPPORTUNITY ARISE. EXPERIENCING SOMETHING DIFFERENT INTERNALLY FELT SEEMED LIKE A RELIEVED BECAUSE THIS EASTER HOLIDAY I'VE BEEN FEELING EITHER ROBOT LIKE AND MONOTONOUS OR TIRED OF BOTHERING.
I WAS WALKING UP THE HILL THINKING, THIS IS FUN. I SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN. THE TREES CONCAVED IN AND CONCEALED ME FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD. IT WAS PERFECT. SOON ENOUGH, MY LEGS FELT TIRED AND I SAT DOWN TO DRINK SOME WATER AND I LOOKED UP A BIT AND SAW THAT THERE WAS A GATE AND I THOUGHT, HMMM, THERE IS ONLY EVER ONE GATE. CRAP, I TOOK THE WRONG ROUTE. WHEN I WALKED UP THERE WAS A MAN. HE IS STANDING STILL, LOOKING AT THE SIGHTS. I GET UP AND WALK DOWN AND THEN I LOOK BACK, AND THERE IS THE GUY AGAIN, COMING DOWN THE WAY I AM HEADING. MAYBE HE WENT THE WRONG WAY TO, I THOUGHT. THEN I CONTINUE ON THE RIGHT PATH - THE WAY I AM USED TO. I LOOK BACK AND THE GUY HAS STOPPED AND HE IS LOOKING MY WAY AND FIDDLING WITH HIS ZIPPER AND I AM THINKING, I THINK THAT GUY IS WANKING. THEN, THE GUY STARTS TO COME MY DIRECTION AND I THINK, SHIT, THIS GUY IS STALKING ME. I DO NOT KNOW. I WAS ONLY ACTING ON FEAR AND PANIC AT THAT MOMENT AND I BEGAN TO RAN UP THE HILL. I LOOKED BACK PERIODICALLY TO SEE IF THE GUY WAS STILL THERE AND AS I WAS TRYING TO RUN, I FELL FACE FLAT ON THE FLOOR. MY LEGS STARTED TO HURT, MY PALMS ARE A BIT GRAZED AND MY CLOTHES ARE MUDDY. I GET UP AND CONTINUE RUNNING. I THOUGHT AT ONE INSTANT, I CANNOT GO ON RUNNING, BUT I CONTINUED, AND REACHED THE TOP. I THOUGHT, HMMM, THERE WILL BE PEOPLE UP TOP.
I THEN THOUGHT, HMMM, SHOULD I TAKE ANOTHER ROUTE DOWN, BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO PASS THE MAN. HOWEVER I DID NOT WANT TO GET LOST. I DECIDED THAT I WOULD ASK THE OLD LADY WHO WAS THERE IF I COULD COME WITH HER DOWN BECAUSE I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS FOLLOWING ME. I TURN AND SEE THE MAN APPEAR AND I RUN BACK DOWN WHERE I CAME FROM AND I SWEAR, IT ONLY TOOK ME FIVE MINUTES, BECAUSE I WAS SO SCARED. HAHAHAHA. DON'T THINK I WILL BE GOING THERE ALONE EVER AGAIN.
IT WAS WEIRD THOUGH. LIKE ALL THAT RUNNING. NORMALLY WHEN I GO JOGGING, I STOP AFTER LIKE 2 MINUTES. I THINK, OH GOSH, I AM SO TIRED AND I CANNOT GO ON ANY MORE. HOWEVER TODAY, WHILST I THOUGHT, I CANNOT GO ON, I STILL MANAGED TO. I HAVE NEVER APPRECIATED MY BODY MORE. I THINK PERHAPS IN NORMAL SITUATIONS, MY BODY IS LAZY - DOESN'T WANT TO BE EXERTED. HOWEVER TODAY, PUMPED UP WITH FEAR, I FELT LIKE I COULD JUST GO ON FOR MILES.
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