I am not an exam passing machine.

I did this thing yesterday and the people were emphasizing the importance of work experience. You cannot get into Uni or get a job if you are just an exam machine. Indeed, you do have to be a machine, but you have to be a hell of an impressive one. You have to be a sociable, confident, well mannered, exam passing machine, with work experience. No wander why people so many people aren't bothered with education. Perhaps people who just do not bother with revision till the last moments are just so much less disillusioned than the ambitious ones. They know that exams are not the key to the future. You can be a book worm - motivated in your education - getting A's and A*'s, but someone whose more confident, has more work experience and makes a better first impression can get further. 

I feel like my head is going to explode. It is not framed in ones nature to be resilient all the time. People will cry and break down - it is natural. It is certainly not instinctive to spend so much time working - we are born into this world as explorers, ready to cast amusement at anything. We are not born into this world equipped. We are like a blob of play dough that needs to be moulded. I think its for the worst. I have my exams in two weeks and it is so difficult, because I do not only have to think about passing them, but I need to think about : revision; UCAS; how I am going to spend my summer in order to be well suited to the working world and college environment. People always tell me that I am only human and that I should expect less of myself and put less pressure on myself. People tell me I should take a break and rest and that I can make mistakes, but honestly I do not believe any of that. I have been fashioned into a machine and it sucks. I cannot break down. Imagine if I did in an exam and I failed it because I could not complete it? Let someone tell me that I can still go of to the uni I want and do the course I want to do in uni and I will call them a liar. I cannot stop putting pressure on myself, because that is what is needed of me. Living is structured around work and work is dependant on grades.

But it is killing me, I see. Today, through maths, I was so near to crying. Like, I don't know. I just could not continue. I was literally asking myself all lesson to please not break down and fall apart. It's taking it's toil. Easter, I did not properly rest. Then everyday since I've been back, it has been constant revision and then we haven't even finished c2 maths. So much left; so little time. Then there was the fact that I just felt so ill. My problem is I do not want B's. the way I think, if I get even a single B, my life is over. There are all the expectations people have on me.

I need rest. I aim to get some this weekend. So it will be okay. 

My bio teacher is really nice. Evelin went to find her to tell her that she was going home and then miss asked me if I am okay and I said yes and the she asked if I was stressed and I said yeah and then she asked if I wanted a hug and I said no. Then I was sat by myself, during lunch time and my eyes were closed and she crouched besides me and asked if I was okay and told me that I could do the test today or Tuesday next week. 

I made up with Daniel. I felt like crap all lunch and I stumbled into the library a complete mess. There was Daniel, Madvhi, Nikita and Hawa and Madvhi told me that I could sit there if I wanted to and help them revise and I sort of started to burn up and get like, I really can't because I am fed up and Daniel sort of was like just there and it did not feel right. I felt like I needed to apologise because as annoying as he was, I missed him. :)