Where to draw the line?

Maths is so perfect and precise. It deals with - well at A level maths, anyway - it deals with 'neat' stuff. (It gets not so neat, after a while. Apparently not all triangles are 180 degrees and degrees according to my maths teacher is not a proper number, so that is why radian measure is used.)

I cannot help but noticing that life is so different from maths. In maths there a lines; however in real life, there are a lack of distinct lines.

What brings this on is that today I was in the library with my friends and Haya had some unused cue cards and asked if we wants some then she insisted we take them because even when she got to Uni, she would not be able to sue them all up. Now another friend of mine, who will remain nameless said to here, was like well you are not even going to get into a uni. She never said it a joke way. She said it in a matter of fact way. Aisha and me just stared at here, like, what the flip is your problem, whilst Haya, who the joke was directed to, laughed, as if it were a joke, though it was obvious she did not take it as one because she said, I know I won't get into a uni.

I was thinking about it on my way home. Like, definitely, a line was crossed. However,. if the person were to just think it without saying it out loud, would that cross lines too? I mean, is it okay to think mean stuff, but just not say it? or do things only become mean when another person hears it?

So I was thinking, she crossed a line and should have definitely kept it to herself. Then I thought, well hang on, I am a person who tells people to say what is on their mind. Granted what she said was mean, but if I told her, yeah, by the way, tell me what is on your mind, the judge her for doing so, what sort of person would that make me? A hypocrite yes, but would I, being the person giving you a false sense of freedom to say what you want,  be worst than there person who says something mean?

How do you draw the line between things like this? I do not think you can. Is there a difference between thinking something mean and saying it, or does saying it and acknowledging it out loud make all the difference?

I am not an exam passing machine.

I did this thing yesterday and the people were emphasizing the importance of work experience. You cannot get into Uni or get a job if you are just an exam machine. Indeed, you do have to be a machine, but you have to be a hell of an impressive one. You have to be a sociable, confident, well mannered, exam passing machine, with work experience. No wander why people so many people aren't bothered with education. Perhaps people who just do not bother with revision till the last moments are just so much less disillusioned than the ambitious ones. They know that exams are not the key to the future. You can be a book worm - motivated in your education - getting A's and A*'s, but someone whose more confident, has more work experience and makes a better first impression can get further. 

I feel like my head is going to explode. It is not framed in ones nature to be resilient all the time. People will cry and break down - it is natural. It is certainly not instinctive to spend so much time working - we are born into this world as explorers, ready to cast amusement at anything. We are not born into this world equipped. We are like a blob of play dough that needs to be moulded. I think its for the worst. I have my exams in two weeks and it is so difficult, because I do not only have to think about passing them, but I need to think about : revision; UCAS; how I am going to spend my summer in order to be well suited to the working world and college environment. People always tell me that I am only human and that I should expect less of myself and put less pressure on myself. People tell me I should take a break and rest and that I can make mistakes, but honestly I do not believe any of that. I have been fashioned into a machine and it sucks. I cannot break down. Imagine if I did in an exam and I failed it because I could not complete it? Let someone tell me that I can still go of to the uni I want and do the course I want to do in uni and I will call them a liar. I cannot stop putting pressure on myself, because that is what is needed of me. Living is structured around work and work is dependant on grades.

But it is killing me, I see. Today, through maths, I was so near to crying. Like, I don't know. I just could not continue. I was literally asking myself all lesson to please not break down and fall apart. It's taking it's toil. Easter, I did not properly rest. Then everyday since I've been back, it has been constant revision and then we haven't even finished c2 maths. So much left; so little time. Then there was the fact that I just felt so ill. My problem is I do not want B's. the way I think, if I get even a single B, my life is over. There are all the expectations people have on me.

I need rest. I aim to get some this weekend. So it will be okay. 

My bio teacher is really nice. Evelin went to find her to tell her that she was going home and then miss asked me if I am okay and I said yes and the she asked if I was stressed and I said yeah and then she asked if I wanted a hug and I said no. Then I was sat by myself, during lunch time and my eyes were closed and she crouched besides me and asked if I was okay and told me that I could do the test today or Tuesday next week. 

I made up with Daniel. I felt like crap all lunch and I stumbled into the library a complete mess. There was Daniel, Madvhi, Nikita and Hawa and Madvhi told me that I could sit there if I wanted to and help them revise and I sort of started to burn up and get like, I really can't because I am fed up and Daniel sort of was like just there and it did not feel right. I felt like I needed to apologise because as annoying as he was, I missed him. :)

Life is just a bunch of things and bit and bobs.

It is a massive tangle for one to untangle.
A cryptic puzzle. A really hard sudoku challenge.
The type where it is not clear where the numbers go.
You think it goes in one box but there are many more possibilities.
Life, in short is confusing.
I do not know any more.
I do not know anything any more.
My mind is so just ... I don't know.
I spent so much of today saying ugh, I will not do maths next year.
Then when I got home, I told Joy and she said, yes you are and I said I know,
My mind is playing games with me and I do not know.
I said I would not do maths for A levels or past year 10
and here I am.
I said I would not go college Monday and I made the decision over and over and over again like a billion times.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I make like basic decisions without like doubting it? I am literally a mess, aren't I? just jumping back and fourth between one decision and thought and another.
And this is constant, okay. This is everyday. This is on going. Like a tug of war. I don't even know myself. That is the problem. I lack consistency. I over think.
Maybe I lack the discipline to just, you know, stick to something, but that is not true either. Revision for instance. I am sometimes like, ugh, I hate this. However, more often, I can stick to it.
It is messy. Mr Malone described Watson and Rayner as messy. It is a lab experiment, but it is not. It has an IV and a DV but the IV is not well defined. Then there is an observation element and it is a one off so perhaps its a case study, but there are so many categories and it doesn't fall into it easy and comfortably. Maybe that is human life. We have many categories but don't fall in to them, or strictly speaking, out of them. I mean say if we were talking about religion and I described Agnosticism as not believing - well that would not be true. But calling it believing in a God would not be strictly speaking.

It is surprising just how little we know and how knowledge is in the basis of grey areas.

just read Murphy's law. It begins with 'Murphy was an optimist,' which upon reading, you realise just how sarcastic the comment is.  If anything can go wrong, it will. Is one of his 'law.' 

I read it because a friend told me that I should. Umi - I love the girl - but she is forever trying to educate me and expand my knowledge on things. Religion is her most prominent agenda, however, yesterday, before I went to sleep, it was Doctor who and Murphy's law. 

I really do not feel like revising whatsoever. I just want to sort of chill out. I realised I feel like a robot. Like so much is automatic. Waking up in the morning and feeling bothered. Revision. I mean like it should not be like that, should it? Doing things you are so used to that you hardly think about or consider or question? 

WAS SUPPOSED TO PUBLISH BEFORE Can't really think of an appropriate title or something to sum up what I have written adequately so this is just me rambling on :)

Okay, so we have to do like this sort of enterprise thing and raise money for a charity. At first when my tutor group was told, I thought, this is a lot of effort and I don't think we have any good ideas. I wasn't really being pessimistic. It is just that every tutor group in college is doing this enterprise thing and no doubt that the majority will settle with a cake or sweet sale. I thought, let's face it. Out of my group, who would make cakes? I mean, I do not know how to use an oven - to be honest, I think it is just there for decoration. It comes, extra free, with the thing on top - I think it is a called a hob. 

So yesterday my tutor asked us to come up with ideas. I had many. My first idea was all of us put like a pound in and convince friends to as well. Sir would never need to know that the extent of our enterprise - which means full of initiative - is merely asking people to part with their cash. My second idea was that we use sir's addiction against him, by doing something involved with gambling. then enter Hawa with the idea of using valentines day to our advantage. She tells us we could make jewellery and we all agree, that it was no doubt, the mist enterprising idea that we had come up with, but that it would be a lot more successful in a primary school. I had had a fleeting thought about selling loom bands, but remembered that it had been cast out by society a long time ago. 

We finally decided that we would do Valentines day cards. Humorous ones, or ones to oneself. Like ' Oh crap, it's Valentines day - I deserve a box of chocolates for being awesome!' 

Hopefully, that works and we make some money :) 

Yesterday was Candlemas. 

So far, I have been talking about yesterday. It's because yesterday affects today I guess. I mean, new girl in tutor group, then I see her with Hassan the next day. And as said, yesterday was Candlemas, and the priest in my church Valerie, was like when it comes to Candlemas, the whether determines what the weather would be. That is a bit jumbled up isn't it?  Candlemas is 40 days after Christmas, and it is celebrated in church, the week closest to it. This is as Candlemas marks the end of the Christmas season. Anyway, so Valerie was like there was a saying, or something. If it rained on Candlemas, then winter would be no more, however, if it did not, then expect more winter. I thought, you cannot say something like that - pin the weather down on a single day. Then Candlemas, Monday, came. It was not sunny, but it was not windy too. I was with my friend at the bus stop, and she said she could feel spring coming, and so I had safely concluded that soon, the wind and cold would die away, and a warm breeze and mild warmth would gladly take its place. How wrong I was. I opened the front door this morning, expecting it to be nice weather. No, actually. I wasn't expecting anything - the weather had not even crossed my mind. I opened the door to find that clinging to the: ground; frail bare branches of the trees; roof tops and cars was winter; the type of winter that I so was not willing to bear. There, abundant everywhere was snow. 

I could feel a shiver run through my body. It hurt so much. The stupid bloody cold. 

I had a biology practical and part of it was keeping milk to a constant temperature of 35 degrees by cupping it in my hands. Now imagine my hands; so painfully cold, that any wisp of heat would make my hands incredibly sore. At the end, everyone else's milk had coagulated, however, mines was icy. I would love to say that the milk did not mean anything; that we were just killing time. I would love to, but it was a real controlled assessment practical screwed up because of cold hands. Luckily, my biology teacher is like the nicest person ever, She had told us it was exam conditions, yet she gave us constant tips, and deliberately neglected it when we made a mistake. She even let us talk, all though out, whilst making jokes about how she would get fired for this. She allowed me to make up results. I looked at Nikita's work and modified my answers based on it. :) 

But literally, the cold sucks!

WAS SUPPOSED TO PUBLISH LONG AGO

I just realised it was international Women's Day now.

Women are not here to please men and women are not commodities. They are not dependant on a men. Their purpose is not just to have kids. Women are not decorations for mantelpieces and women are not feeble. Women may be emotional, they may have the ability to give birth, they be made up differently, but that is not to say that women can not. I am lucky to live in a place where the women are treated with better equality than elsewhere. I am happy that I do not get shot for wanting to pursue a career and that I am not told that I cannot drive or aspire and aim because of my gender.

Happy International Women's day.

How has my week been?

Well, let us start from today.

I went to church and I wore a dress. I never usually wear dresses out of my own free will, but I have recently been thinking, I want to take better care of myself. That includes caring about how I look. Whilst I do not agree that wearing skirts, dresses, boots, jewellery and make up defines you as female, I think that it is time that I stop using the excuse that wearing these things make me look ugly.

The church sermon was really beautiful. It would have been more so if I wasn't covertly playing cards with my sister. It was about the Sabbath and how rest is important. How rest is really essential. Valerie, the priest said we are human beings, not human doings and that we need time just being.

Saturday was perfect. Beautiful weather for this time of year, especially as the previous weeks have been heavy laden with dollops of rain and gushes of wind,

I thought, you know what? I am not going library today. I am not revising. I am not stressing myself out, even though I ought too because I have mocks the next week. I thought momentarily, I am not going to be my typical, head in the books, stressed out revising self. I am going to have fun. That is what I did.  We called it a family outing, when really, half my family was missing and we were accompanied by my best friend and one of my sisters boy friend. We went Gunnersbury Park and unfortunately, they followed my instructions and we got lost.

The bus journey was fun. We played 21 dares and one of mines was to lie on the floor where people could see me.

We had a picnic in the park and played around. Just as we were about to leave, we bumped into my old French teacher. I also bumped into my old English teacher / head of year. When I say bumped into, I mean, sort of saw her on the bus and waved.


On Friday I sat next to on the bus and talked to the guy I had a crush on and it was quite nice because all this time I thought he was avoiding me because he never talks to me, but then he said he likes people like me who talk a lot. I was so happy and it was a horrible feeling feeling so happy because of a guy.

Last time I lost my temper - WAS SUPPOSED TO PUBLISH LONG AGO

I typed into Google, things to discuss, because I thought, hmmm, I want to post a blog post but my life isn't exactly fascinating is it, and well it isn't going to be for the next foreseeable future with all the exams and revision.

So yeah. 

The last time I lost my temper was yesterday. I was in Biology and this girl had been asking me to help her revise, after college. I was willing to give up my time, only She had a blood test. Okay, I thought. Then, we are in the lesson and we're told it will end early. We are doing an open book test and she sits there trying to distract me; telling me she is bored and that we should instead revise for biology, then and there. Then, when I am like, cool, let's revise, she tells me she is tired, and I turn to her and say, 'That's your problem,' and I tell my teacher that I need to use the toilet because I want to get out so badly. I was angry and when I am angry I feel like crying. I felt like crying because I was so angry. I don't know. 

I picked this topic because in Psychology, we were learning about the nature nurture debate. It is really inconclusive; little can be said to be down to just one factor. Like you look at mental illness, such as depression, you could argue that it may be due to trauma, however, evidence suggests that genes may have an affect. So yeah. I was thinking about having a short temper - a quality which my family are all blessed with. I have been thinking, is that down to the environment or to genes? I mean. you can argue environment because well you would think that if you were placed around someone who agitated you, you would be more prone to anger. However, some people would not loose their temper. I have been thinking, whilst my mum has been absent, the situation has been so calm and there has been no shouting and everyone seems to be just calm. 

SO HERE IS A BREAK FROM COMPLAINING ABOUT EXAMS AND ANNOYING STRESSFUL STUFF

I WENT TO A BOOK STORE  YESTERDAY, I ONCE READ THIS QUOTE SOMEWHERE BY SOMEONE IMPLYING THAT HEAVEN IS A PLACE WITH BOOKS AND I TOTALLY AGREE.

I SAW THIS QUOTE IN THIS BOOK. IT IS A BOOK I KEEP COMING BACK TO AND ON EACH OCCASION I OPEN IT - TWICE NOW - I FIND SOMETHING THAT CHANGES ME A BIT SOMEHOW.  

THE BOOK SAID 'WHEN I LOVED MYSELF ENOUGH I RECOGNISED THAT MY COURAGE AND FEAR, MY NAIVETY AND WISDOM, AND I MAKE A PLACE FOR EACH AT MY TABLE.' CONSIDER THE METAPHOR OF A TABLE. A KITCHEN TABLE PERHAPS? SURROUNDED BY YOUR FAMILY. PERHAPS A WORK TABLE, SURROUNDED BY EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO USE FOR WORK. AROUND ONE TABLE SITS IMPORTANT PEOPLE AND ON THE OTHER LIES IMPORTANT FILES AND UTENSILS, HOWEVER ON THE AUTHORS TABLES LIES FLAWS AND QUALITIES - BOTH OF WHICH ACCOMMODATED BY THE TABLE AS IMPORTANT. ON THE TABLE YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING. NOTHING LIES HIDDEN OR LURKING IN THE SHADOWS. NOTHING IS RENDERED AS NOT NEEDED ON NOT USELESS. THE QUOTE INSPIRED ME, BECAUSE USUALLY PEOPLE TRY TO HIDE FLAWS OR THINGS THAT MAKE THEM VULNERABLE, SUCH AS FEAR AND PANIC, HOWEVER IMAGINE TAKING ALL THE FLAWS AND QUALITIES IN ITS STRIDE? LIKE FOR ME, I GET IRRITATED AT MYSELF QUITE A BIT. AT HOW MUCH I AM A PEOPLE PLEASING PUSHOVER.  I TAKE QUALITIES FOR GRANTED AND I HATE ACCEPTING COMPLIMENTS; THINKING ABOUT IT, IF I WERE ABLE TO ACCEPT ALL OF MY FLAWS AND QUALITIES AS TRUTHS AND OF IMPORTANCE, THEN I WOULD GET ALONG WITH MYSELF A LOT BETTER. I WOULD APPRECIATE MYSELF A LOT BETTER AND I WOULD LOVE MYSELF A LOT BETTER.


TODAY I WENT HORSENDEN HILL. THE IDEA OF GOING BY MYSELF SEEMED PEACEFUL AND ALLURING - QUIETNESS AND TIME TO THINK. NORMALLY BREATHING IS SHALLOW AND PASSIVE AND MY HEART NEVER REALLY GETS MUCH OPPORTUNITY THESE DAYS TO SHOW OFF HOW FAST IT CAN PUMP BLOOD IF THE OPPORTUNITY ARISE. EXPERIENCING SOMETHING DIFFERENT INTERNALLY FELT SEEMED LIKE A RELIEVED BECAUSE THIS EASTER HOLIDAY I'VE BEEN FEELING EITHER ROBOT LIKE AND MONOTONOUS OR TIRED OF BOTHERING.

I WAS WALKING UP THE HILL THINKING, THIS IS FUN. I SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN. THE TREES CONCAVED IN AND CONCEALED ME FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD. IT WAS PERFECT. SOON ENOUGH, MY LEGS FELT TIRED AND I SAT DOWN TO DRINK SOME WATER AND I LOOKED UP A BIT AND SAW THAT THERE WAS A GATE AND I THOUGHT, HMMM, THERE IS ONLY EVER ONE GATE. CRAP, I TOOK THE WRONG ROUTE. WHEN I WALKED UP THERE WAS A MAN. HE IS STANDING STILL, LOOKING AT THE SIGHTS. I GET UP AND WALK DOWN AND THEN I LOOK BACK, AND THERE IS THE GUY AGAIN, COMING DOWN THE WAY I AM HEADING. MAYBE HE WENT THE WRONG WAY TO, I THOUGHT. THEN I CONTINUE ON THE RIGHT PATH - THE WAY I AM USED TO. I LOOK BACK AND THE GUY HAS STOPPED AND HE IS LOOKING MY WAY AND FIDDLING WITH HIS ZIPPER AND I AM THINKING, I THINK THAT GUY IS WANKING. THEN, THE GUY STARTS TO COME MY DIRECTION AND I THINK, SHIT, THIS GUY IS STALKING ME. I DO NOT KNOW. I WAS ONLY ACTING ON FEAR AND PANIC AT THAT MOMENT AND I BEGAN TO RAN UP THE HILL. I LOOKED BACK PERIODICALLY TO SEE IF THE GUY WAS STILL THERE AND AS I WAS TRYING TO RUN, I FELL FACE FLAT ON THE FLOOR. MY LEGS STARTED TO HURT, MY PALMS ARE A BIT GRAZED AND MY CLOTHES ARE MUDDY. I GET UP AND CONTINUE RUNNING. I THOUGHT AT ONE INSTANT, I CANNOT GO ON RUNNING, BUT I CONTINUED, AND REACHED THE TOP. I THOUGHT, HMMM, THERE WILL BE PEOPLE UP TOP.

I THEN THOUGHT, HMMM, SHOULD I TAKE ANOTHER ROUTE DOWN, BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO PASS THE MAN. HOWEVER I DID NOT WANT TO GET LOST. I DECIDED THAT I WOULD ASK THE OLD LADY WHO WAS THERE IF I COULD COME WITH HER DOWN BECAUSE I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS FOLLOWING ME. I TURN AND SEE THE MAN APPEAR AND I RUN BACK DOWN WHERE I CAME FROM AND I SWEAR, IT ONLY TOOK ME FIVE MINUTES, BECAUSE I WAS SO SCARED. HAHAHAHA. DON'T THINK I WILL BE GOING THERE ALONE EVER AGAIN.

IT WAS WEIRD THOUGH. LIKE ALL THAT RUNNING. NORMALLY WHEN I GO JOGGING, I STOP AFTER LIKE 2 MINUTES. I THINK, OH GOSH, I AM SO TIRED AND I CANNOT GO ON ANY MORE. HOWEVER TODAY, WHILST I THOUGHT, I CANNOT GO ON, I STILL MANAGED TO. I HAVE NEVER APPRECIATED MY BODY MORE. I THINK PERHAPS IN NORMAL SITUATIONS, MY BODY IS LAZY - DOESN'T WANT TO BE EXERTED. HOWEVER TODAY, PUMPED UP WITH FEAR, I FELT LIKE I COULD JUST GO ON FOR MILES.

My blogger has been neglected a bit. 

I have been neglecting a lot of stuff really, recently. 

I have been neglecting sorting out my clothes. They are all just everywhere. I am supposed to fold them up and put them in my drawer but my motivation has just entirely left me. 

I have neglected emailing TFL. They found my purse and send me a letter, that I have to reply too. 

I am just tired. 

I bought coffee last week so that I could go on for longer revising and I started drinking 2 cups a day. Then after the fourth day I started to feel shattered and I drank some coffee but it didn't do anything I still felt tired and then my dad gave me a sleeping pill. I sort of stopped drinking coffee, because I am not a chemical dumping pit. 

Revision has literally sucked the life out of me, so yeah. 

It will be over soon.

Only to start up again next academic year. YAAY! 

sort of an update

So stressed. Exams. ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!

I think it is good though a bit. I am not confident. 

Confidence is prone to mistakes. 

If you are confident about a situation you haven't over thought about it a lot.

With exams, if you are nervous, one tends to think, let me go over that and that, hence being more prepared. 

So yeah. I am stressed out but its manageable. 

I guess. 

I mean, I am at a point where it is not too late to say that I can get those 4 A's.

I am tired though. 

Stupid normal distributions. 

I tell people it is good to struggle. 

But honestly with most of the A levels I have not struggled. 

Only with Normal distributions

I hate it! 

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHH!!!

I bought instant coffee granules. 

A jar for only 50p at Tesco.

And people buy coffee makers and cups of coffee for like one pound fifty a cup! ]

Coffee smells so nice! 

My old form tutor finally replied to my email :) 

She said I am in her thoughts and prayers even though she does not reply often. Paraphrasing. 

I thought about the invisible marks and thoughts others have on others. 

I was listening into a conversation at college and the guy was like looking at yourself you only see what is in the room  but someone else may see through the window.

I think, actually, sometimes it's good not to know the effect we have on others. 

If all the bullies and horrible people knew just how much they scarred their victims, invisibly, would it make a difference?

If people knew how seemingly ordinary actions could make others days, would they feel pompous and arrogant on it? 

One of my friends works as soon as she finishes college and she only gets 3 hours of sleep and sleep deprived, she takes an hour thirty train journey to college. To say that she is shattered is an understatement. It is like saying in the depth of snow, that it is a bit cold. She is always absolutely sleep deprived, yet, she never fails to ask me how my day is, sincerely, and when I have a problem, she never brushes it away or pretends that she cannot see it. 

That means so much to me. 

It reminds me that whilst there are bad people in the world, there are also good people who are considerate and kind.

It makes me feel like I matter. It makes me want to extend the same curtsey - of kindness and consideration - to others.

If she knew she had an effect on me like this, would it make her stop? I do not think so, but with others, they put themselves on a pedstool; feel too important. 

I think it is bad though, that we never know if a person has been thinking about us or not. 

It's so easy to feel forgotten.

Today, I thought, hmmm, I am going to get fruit.