GUYS OMMMGGGGGGGG I HAVE AN OXFORD INTERVIEW.... i AM SCARED AND HAPPY AND EXCITED AND OMG YAAAAAYYYYY

Content

Yeah, life is good. :)

I am content at the moment.

I feel confident and empowered.

And strong.

Uncertain and a bit confused.

I have the whole of my life stretched out in front of me

but at the moment, I feel as if I want to stick with my decision.

When it comes to making more decisions

I will try and be brave and take risks if needed.


I look in the mirror and smile at myself.

I actually think, I look nice today.

Is this acceptance?

Normally, I think, I am so fat.

I look ugly in this.



I feel lucky.

I have parents who love me.

I have a comfortable life.

I have amazing siblings.

I have A LOT of support.

From family, friends and teachers.

I am proud of myself. How far I have come.


I am skilled.

I can learn about stuff.

I can focus on a task

I can talk to people confidently

well, that is debatable.

I am hard working and motivated

I am yet to understand what motivates me



I feel so real.

I love myself


I have flaws too.

I think I am perhaps too much of a pushover

and too nice for my own good.

I think - I know, sometimes I let people walk all over me.

I am taking smallish steps.

But steps nonetheless.



Victoria N asked me to help her prepare for interview.

I really did not feel up for it.

So I just sort of flaked out.

And letting her down

the feeling of letting someone down

not having to always be responsible was good.

I didn't even feel much guilt.

Baby steps. :)



I would like to continue

to feel

every bit of pain and hurt and stress

and hurt and anger

as well as friendship, love, sympathy,

happiness and joy with intensity

because I have come to realize

that feeling emotions

feeling

is a gift.

It means I am not robot and numb

reminds me that I am only human.

HALLLOOOO

Hello Agata and whoever else reads my blog.

How has my life been recently?

Well, it has been good.

A little bit of stress and pressure.

Lots more work than I have time to do.

Though in general, I have been happy.

I had a pukka womankind tea and it was amazing.

I could taste the vanilla dance in my mouth.

That's all for now.

I am nor bothered to write a long post.

My hands are freezing and I have work to do.

Here is an update. :) I have bad recently with posting stuff. I cannot help that I am just really inconsistent.

I have had 4 offers so far from my uni's at AAB and Oxford will reply in December to tell me whether I have got an interview or not.

The whole of the half term I took part in NCS. It was a really cool experience. I think I grew a lot as a person that week considering I am the girl who spends life studying. I actually stepped outside my comfort zone.

My brain has been a sieve recently. I remember all the stuff about biology once I have gone over it twice. When it comes to just remembering stuff I need on a day to day basis, I am sort of flopping. Everything is just sort of becoming a mess. I have not had time to sort out stuff that was piling up and then just as I start to, something else starts to pile up. There is preparing for my Oxford interview - if I get one. I cannot allow myself not to prepare in case I get an interview but there is a chance I may not. There is reading up about the Universities I got offers about to help me make a choice about which  will be my first or firm offer. There is all the impromptu stuff. All the tests and homework. The work load is intense. There is making sure I do not neglect my youngest sister (it breaks my heart when I do. All she does is go on the laptop and no one will play with her. I feel like such a terrible person.) Life is the NCS meet ups that drain my weekend. There is the responsibilities of being the oldest child. there is also making sure I find time for other people.  Life is just a bit too much at the moment. I don't want to break.

I had a 1 - 1 interview with my form tutor Mike and that sort of rattled me and I left wanting to cry. I told him I was feeling the pressure of A2 and he asked ' Really?' As if the concept of me feeling pressure is unheard of. I am only human. He told me anything I do, I will be successful in. People have too much faith in me.

Daniel is nicer than I give him credit for. I mean, he actually cares about me.

I have been reading a lot of fan fiction recently.

Café Art

On NCS the challenge, the team I am in, Sabesan, were fortunate enough to be paired with Café Art as a community partner.  NCS the challenge is a once in a lifetime opportunity for 16 – 17 year olds it encourages young adults to: help others; immerse themselves in new situations and to take society and others less for granted.

Café Art is a non-government funded organisation that tries to tackle homelessness in a unique, creative and inspiring way. People who have been affected by homelessness are given the opportunity to express themselves through the medium of art. This concept may seem ludicrous – homeless people need homes! Where does art come into the picture?

Art can change a life.

 We met David who became homeless after a series of health problems and hardships. He developed depression and tried to kill himself more than 10 times. Through selling and making art, David was able to get his life back on track.

We live in a society where victim blaming is prominent. We believe that people get what they deserve. That the homeless person who you always see in the park brought their homelessness on themselves. Probably drugs. However, we need to step away from that stigma. People become homeless for several of reasons such as mental and health issues as well as injury – none of us are immune to those factors. Some of us are just lucky.

We are all human. Why should homeless people be segregated by our society? 

To create more awareness of homelessness, we have decided to fundraise for Café Art on the 28^th of November. Please attend to show your support. We will be on a store in Spitalfields market between the Giraffe and Canteen. Coming together on this day shows that we are one as a team and that our human rights matter.

:)

Guys, I went Waterstone and found these. They have Harry Potter, Doctor Who and Sherlock sort of adult colouring books.  

I need me one of these!

And colouring pencils. 

None of those rubbish Tesco or Asda values but cool bic ones. 

I will buy some proper artistic pencils that have different letters on them. 

(For Christmas anyway)

And I will colour and draw myself a beautiful alternative reality.

I think I am going to spend my lunches at Waterstone from now on. 

So I am excited!  

Organic Chemistry Synthesis

Seriously guys, organic chemistry synthesis has to be the most beautify thing ever! 

I was doing some today, starting with benzene to make phenol. :)

I love life. 

Small sort of break down

Hey guys.

Today I had like a small break down in the Learning Centre in College.

I was doing a revision timetable and then I just started crying.

I was just there sat for like 20 minutes crying my eyes out. Each time I tried to stop myself, I created a new reason to keep on crying.

It started of like, OMG, I am really a piece of shit.

Then went on to, I am not capable.

Then I went on to why the f am I crying. There are people everywhere.

Then it went on to I need fresh air. I need to get out but I could not move out of my seat and I had to go work soon and I did not want anyone to see me in such a state.

Then I started to think, I am a horrible sister.

Then I am a horrible person.

Then I started to think, OMG STFU and stop crying. Why are you here just attention seeking.

And then I thought, I just want to call my mum and tell her that I love her and hug her which made me feel like a worst person for taking her for granted.

Then I thought, wow, I am so fat and ugly and just a horrible piece of crap.

I managed to stop crying unnoticed and got up to sign myself in for work. Then Alex came and asked me if I was alright and I started to shake and cry and I just could not control it.

It sucked. She was asking me what was wrong. I just kept saying I was fine. (I resent the word fine.) And then our sort of manager came out and she was asking what was wrong and she asked if it was something to do with home, or boyfriend trouble and I laughed because no, it most definitely was not boyfriend trouble.

She kept saying I could go home if I felt like crap but I kept saying I was fine to work.