Education will eat up my whole life!

I thought, hmmmm, I should look at career options so that I know what I want to do in Uni. I went to a King's College opening day with Joy and we went to the Psychology talk, which I really did not really like. I mean, the guy did tell us what to expect briefly for the first 3 years but like he did not really know. It was the first year they would be doing psychology so people would be an experiment and the course would not be set and standardised as other courses would be so I thought, nope! 

I want to cry now. I have now concluded that I do not want to do psychology. I do not want to do medicine. I just want to do an easy degree and be out of it in 3 years and get a job. 71 percent of graduate jobs - according to the guy who gave the psychology talk today - are not degree specific. As long as I get a degree. 

I do not want to be studying for the rest of my life. I thought, if I do medicine, I can become a GP or a psychiatrist. GP is 10 years and psychiatrist is like 13 years. I thought psychology would take less time, but for some of the career options I may be interested in, like clinical, it can take 4 - 7 years after graduating to be qualified. 

Then, I might not even get a job. The future seems bleak. I turn 28 and I have just finished a course or I have 3 - 4 years to go. Then I work. What about settling down? What if I am like 33 and decide, I want kids before menopause hits me and I am plagued with infertility. You know, I always said I did not want children, but I mean, like with the career options I may pursue, it is like, well I say I do not want it but what if I do but what if I cannot have it?

People are always like sort of like, oh, live your dream, do not let anything stop you. But now, thinking about it, I do not believe in dreams. As in, I do not think they exist literally. As in you can dream of a dream and it is real in your head, but in a dream in real life...

I am thinking, perhaps I should consider an apprenticeship. Like seriously. No bloody uni fees. No commitment to education for like a bloody decade. Like, just a lot less stress. 

I mean, people are always like follow your heart. Well guess what? Life is not as romantic as it is in films! Films omit hard work and having to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life on one instant of time. No, Films dare not touch anything near the proximity of reality.

Dog days

Dog days are the hottest days of summer.

One of my favourite songs is called the Dog days are over. So, if you think about it, the sunny hot days have gone and all you have been left with is the hostile cold or the turbulent wind. Weather - especially British weather - is known to fluctuate, so one day is dog day and on the next day, the wind so ardent that you fear being carried away with it like a leave. It is one of my favourite songs as it has a sort of theme of instability and constant change. Things will not be perfect forever. In fact, it is good one day and then the next you find yourself running away. However, that is not to say, that there are no dog days ahead; that there is no more hope and salvation when you are running too.

Okay, today was my dog day, because, it was indeed hot. It may be the hottest day of summer I have experienced so far. The weather this year has been so bleak. The sun, disgruntled, decided that we are not worthy of it's rays.

Also, I have decided to love summer. I spent so long disliking summer. It is too hot, I used to complain. Now, after the unforgiving cold winter, I decided that the warmth is so beautiful and that I should never criticize it again. So I like the warmth now and so the intense heat of summer is now associated with happiness, fun and good times.

Today was a happy day. I not only got my oyster back but I got the library job in college too.

This whole week has been my dog days, if I think of it. They have been the happiest and warmest days in a while. Not only has it been an incredibly social week for me, but it has been free too. Yesterday, I won a student award and despite how much complaining about wearing a dress and being awkward, it was good to be recognised for the effort I put in.

Student Awards

Okay, so today was the student awards were today and I got an award. Yaaaaaaay hahaha clap for me!

It was a really chalenging situation but I pulled through.

Okay, so the first challenge was what do I wear? I thought, I MOST definitely do not want to be over dressed. So I wore a dress. By over dressed, I do not mean like, wearing too many clothes. I mean, like wearing a really nice dress for a t-shirt and jeans situation. Like if someone wore a ball gown to go fishing.

I bet you are wondering, was this one of the times were my wearing a ball gown for fishing metaphor applies? No, not exactly. Well, I was wearing a dress. Rather short. It did not even reach my knees and if I were to bend down, the dress would not be dignifying or allow decency. So yeah. It was a bit later low cut in the chest area. Okay, so it did not show anything thankfully but it makes the dress look rather - not trashy - but just not really smart or casual.

My second challenge was shoes. I have clown feet. My feet hurt in size 9 shoes now. I hope my feet stop growing otherwise I can picture myself entering a shoe shop and not being able to get shoes. The people there would probably just look at me, sort of disapproving and give me a paper bag to hide my disgraceful feet with. Ho, my feet aren't disgracefully really; they carry my body around. :)

My third obstacle, was getting there.

Me: Dad, the student Awards are in Kenton hall, near Preston Park. Do you know it?

Dad: Yeah

Two weeks later

Me: Dad, the student Awards are in Kenton hall, near Preston Park. Do you know it?

Dad: Nope! You should have told me earlier!

So on the day, I am there trying to find directions. If you are Bob, you are face palming thinking, this does not turn out good, does it?

Well it does. I managed to give my dad perfect directions.


We got there and there was Sameer, helping out :) We talked for a bit. The fourth challenge was free food.

I thought, wow, that food looks good. But like, I do not want to eat, in front of people. I hate eating in front of people that I do not know. So I just did not get any food.


My fifth challenge was being there. Lots of people watching and there were some teachers and I felt awkward like, I want to hide somewhere! But I could not. I sat at front first, then I thought, what if I want a quick get away? So I moved to the back with Nishil and Shivani and they had that intention too. Oh yeah, by the way, I was with my sisters. If I was not, I would have stepped in and taken a look, then decided, nope, can't do this!


Guess whose name was first? Go on! Take a stab at it! The first category was science and the first name was Olugbemi Moronfolu, so I had to go up first! Hahahahahaha! I found out who nominated me - Mrs Ratna. :)

It was awkward walking up. I took really long, that the person after me was waiting one minute for me to go up. Then I got to the front and got my certificate. Micheal Worgs whispered that I had to shake his hand. Then he was like smile and he looked at the camera and so I did too. I really am not photogenic. I am worried that they put up my picture in the college like they did with last years.

There was an amazing speech from this guy, Levi ... something and he went to Harrow College. He came in with 1 C in GCSE and came out with 3 A's for A2. Like wow.

Victoria was there and so was Xiao. I thought they were really good friends as I am always told of stories of them eating in lessons together. But I realised they may not be. On the Bletcheley trip, for much of the time, they were walking together but saying nothing to each other and texting. Also, I got told that when Xiao got told she would get an award for maths, Victoria got angry, like why not me. Like I mean she could have been happy for her friend but she was pissed off because it was not her.


My sixth challenge was sneaking out. There were lots of people and so it was beneficial that we sat in the back. We did the one by one approach where I went first, then Joy then Tobi.

Social

Today I saw Lambis. For someone fasting, unable to drink and eat, she is pretty active.
I met her in Harrow Shopping centre and we walked through the shopping centre and then around it. Then we walked back, down to Harrow Boy's school. She said she wanted to walk past it to see the nice view that everyone is always telling her about and I thought, it must have been Madvhi who told her it was a nice view and by nice view meaning the guys. But she literally meant the view. We talked as we walked. About what, I do not even know. There was no one specific topic. At one instant we were talking about this arrogant boy in her class who wishes bad grades on his competition to dentistry and I brought up Headlamb and how he told me I would die alone. I cannot remember if he said it like that actually. All I know is that, he started like, do you not have a boy friend because of choice or because no one wants you and I said choice and he was something like I think we both know it is not down to choice. I think about it now and I shrugged it off. I should have told him that most people in this world find him insufferable and repulsive and people tend to find me nice. I should have told him that compared to him I am more likely to end up with someone. Ah well.


We got on the H17 to Wembley and got on the 92 to Wembley library and we literally spent and hour looking for books then we walked home. Okay, we literally did an hour of walking. Lambis, as said, was fasting. She even ran for a bus. You have got other people saying, oh, I am fasting, so I have to spend the whole day at home. Okay, fine, not eating or drinking takes a lot of dedication, but if you are willing to do something, then even fasting for some people will not come as an obstacle.


I then thought, hmmmm, I want ice cream so I went and got ice cream.

I have been hassling my mum to get me shoes that are not trainers and she finally has. I sneaked up to have a look at it and they are beautiful. A dark blue colour with a couple silver rhinestones. It is simple and perfect. Only problem is, guess who has clown feet? And guess what do not fit clown feet? Simple perfect shoes. :(

I saw June and Umi yesterday. I was a bit angry. Okay, so Umi turns up to meet June. Umi could have just told June that the meet up was off and kept her plans with me, but no. She could have not told June that we had plans in the first place. Not that I have a problem with June, but if I do not make plans with a person, it is for a reason. I just did not want to see June. She is way too much to handle.

It was good catching up with them. They were reading the 3rd draft of my personal statement and both insisted that I email it to them and Umi was like, I enjoy reading this. Hahahaha I am awesome.

Oh yeah, my interview? It went okay... I felt like I was dull and inarticulate and stammering a lot. I thought they really did not like me. Damn, I am not good at interviews. There was two people conducting the interview so I was like who do I look at?

However, I think I will get the job. It recruits 3 people and there were only 4 people applying because most people saw the application form and could not be bothered. These are the people who are like, revise? No, cannot be bothered. Walk? No I cannot be bothered. Hard work? Nope, not my thing. SO obviously, 2 sides of A2 definitely put a lot of people of. I put the books back in order the fastest. They gave us a trolley full of books and asked us to sort it out based on the dewey decimal system, which I already knew about as Wendy mentioned it once. Also during summer, I had the tedious job of stacking books and sometimes the decimals would dictate the order. So yeah, I may get the job.

:)

Opportunties

If there us anything that this year has taught me, it is that there are always always always opportunities lingering around the corner.

I realised weeks ago, that when door closes another one truly does open and it may not seem that way all the time. You may think, well hang on, I cannot see anything apart from stillness. You may think nothing is really progressing, but the world really is.

When I say when one door opens another one closes, I do not mean it literally. I guess, sometimes, people are sat still looking at the front door. Waiting for the postman. Waiting for someone to knock. Waiting for it to open. Maybe when you are looking too intently at one door, you do not notice the garden door creeping open now and then. And you do not see the room doors either. Then, after a long day of waiting for the front door, you wearily drag yourself to bed and think, okay then, this was a waste of time. Nothing ever happens to me. There are no opportunities for me. No fish in the pond. No options. No light. Just nothing.

Just because the door you want to open does not, does not mean there are not other doors opening.


:)

Dear Bob,

On the bad days,
when I'm all alone
the world is streaked with shadows
and the moon hangs solemnly.
The sun, weary, shines half heartedly
The shadows so silent and sly:
grasp at my ankles; reduces me to my knees;
slips its dense arms delicately around my neck
and steals my breath away.

On the bad days,
all alone, away from the scrutiny of light
all alone in the coarse coal black night,
I roam relentlessly and endlessly,
trying to conjure a smile;
desperately trying to be happy
but all alone the burden I bear is my own -
the stress, sadness and sorrow sit heavy like a stone

On the bad days,
with you, I find myself laughing horrendously,
my face wrinkling and creasing involuntarily.
I find sometimes I simply cannot get words out
when I am asked if I am okay
but that it doesn't matter, because my problems
has left to torment me on another day.

On the bad days,
with you, I, the person framed in nature
to stress and worry,
find myself: carefree, confident and capable.

On a bad day,
just thinking of you, I smile to myself
and I am grateful for how powerful
the gift of friendship is because
I have many bad days alone;
none when I am with you.



Okay, writing this has made me go a little bit like emotional. Like, I do not know if you have noticed, but I cry quite a lot. Hahahahaha. Love you lots. I don't want you to go Poland. But when you go, hope you have fun and that you miss me lots. But until then, I am afraid that you are pretty much stuck with me.

This year, has been tough. Like not in the sense, like with exams and getting stuff done, but as in like going it College. After you left, I realised that I did not really need to make friends when you were there. I also realised that the friends we had previously were 'our' friends. they knew us - Bob and Trevor - they did not really know me. Then I thought like, what do I do now?

It has been good though. Like making friends, apart from you and getting to know other people better.But then sometimes it hurts. Like the past couple of weeks before College finished, I did not really get to see you much and you were busy with course work and when I did see you, there were always other people and we could not catch up properly. There was like a couple days were I was like, okay, fine, I will not message or call her or anything because she does not need me. I wouldn't really blame her if she was like sort of relieved that I am not like their all the time. I thought like, what if I just annoy her and what if like she does not want me to message or call and if whenever she sees my messages, she thinks, oh God, not Olu again, she is so boring and such a drama queen etc. What if you think, she argues with her mum too much and then cries about it too much. Hahahahaha. I was like, what if I am just inconveniencing you?
Then I sort of caved and called you on like a Sunday, which I cannot remember the date and I heard your voice and I was really happy.



Anyway, good night. It is way past my bed time. Hope you had a nice time at the beach and hope you NEVER EVER EVER forget that I love you and that I care about you so much.

Ugh, the cheese.

You're such a hideous creature.

Trying not to raise my temper

My mum annoys me some times. She called me to the kitchen to shout at me because in her opinion I am not cleaning it and I am leaving it all to here. Is she the one who washes most of the plates? No. Is she the one who sweeps the floor most of the time? No. I do not see why she is bloody complaining. I do the most I can yet it is always me being told of for not helping enough. My sisters are supposed to be cleaning their room and everyday there are clothes everywhere lining the floor. The get the occasional scalding now and then but I who actually do something am told of.
All she does is sit all day watching Nigerian Movies. Or she goes out to waste money. She went out all day yesterday, buying shoes and bags and dresses for my sisters prom - you would think she could bloody pop into Tesco and buy a loaf of bread. But no. It doesn't occur to her to buy food and then she complains, oh, why aren't you lot buying food. Like no! Just no. She took the money of my dad; complained to the people who gave him the money that he was not looking after us and she is being so bloody useless, shouting all the time - no not shouting, bloody H-O-W-L-I-N-G all the time like a mad person.

I really really really cannot wait to go to Uni then she will have no dish washer, no cleaner, no one to buy food and to make her tea every bloody minute. No one who she can order when she does sits doing nothing. One less person who she can shout at and make feel like shit.

I love my mum, really.

Vale Decem

In Doctor who, when the Tenth doctor regenerates, the background music is so dramatic. It is called Vale Decem and I searched it up and it means farewell ten and it is in Latin. So there are like singers (who sound like opera singers) singing in Latin, farewell ten and there is the orchestra, who are so damn good! They are amazing. Like the level of commitment is astounding. You have to practice and practice and make sure you know what you are doing. You have to understand what others are doing and your role and you cannot be distracted. Ochestras are cool. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BytKy54jVYA

Article

I have to write an article for the Harrow College news letter about Bletchely park. Why? No one else wanted to. Xiao  - who does not like her name because it is the name of a Chinnese TV star and has no other meaning - loudly suggested I do it. Kathy seemed to agree and asked if I could as well. What did I learn? The country side is green ans beautiful and that when people talk about things you do not understand, your mind shuts down and your default setting becomes bored and uninterested.

Sameer

In college there is a guy called Sameer, who my friends and I refer to sometimes as Hayaa's 'bae.' They are so cute! This one time, Hayaa was like near the point of tears as she was waiting for him and he did not turn up. So she goes to ask Hasan something. I assume she asked him where Sameer was. Then he got a call from Sameer and he let Hayaa use his phone and they were talking for like 10 minutes and I was sat in the silent study room thinking; she looks so happy; she is going to drop his phone; it's nice that Hasan trust her with his phone; what are they even talking about and that Hayaa, the girl who is so especially insecure around guys can just open up to him.

I met him first in the Learning Centre in college. He was around a group of people I knew, so I was like, why not introduce myself and so I did. I was like, I am Olugbemi, or you can call me Linda or Trevor, then I looked at his ID card.

We did not talk much after that, in the first term. Sometimes we would see each other and say hello but other times we would just see each other and pretend that we did not. Well I did, anyway.

Then I think, I was outside the canteen one time with a bunch of friends and he was there and so we began to talk and I think it was just after I embarked on the emotional roller coaster of a series, that is Harry Potter. He recommend to me Percy Jackson.

I do not think this is a chronological account.

Anyway, I went to Maths Club and he did too so sometimes.

Then after my Chemistry controlled assessment, I got on a bus to head to Harrow Weald and I realized that I did not have my purse. I was worried as hell. I knew I had it in College last, but where I put it and whether anyone had took anything, I did not know. So I hurried back to college. I first went to the toilet and then to the Learning Centre. Eventually, I found myself back in my Chemistry class and there it was on the table. I left college again, for the second time in that afternoon, with a little less dignity the second time. Then I bumped into Sameer and we walked to the bus station and then we got on the bus together and talked for a bit. He seemed like a nice guy. Some people you talk to and you think, wow, this person is so dull. Sometimes you do not know what to say or sometimes you just have vibes of a person, like, you and I are not meant to be friends. But he just seemed like a person I can get along with.

The like next week, I was talking with him in the morning and he was talking about motivation and how there was this guy on Youtube who he watches who is a motivational speaker - Les Brown, I think?

Oh, yeah, the reason why I brought up Sameer today was because he went on the trip to Bletchley park as well.

He seemed a bit lonely. There were three boys - all three seemed sort of lonely, I guess. Like they were all just mostly on their phones or like one minute they would be in conversation and the next they would just be walking by themselves.

Well not that the girls were much different. Though that was more conversation on that front.

Though Evelyn and Patrcja were locked in conversation throughout the whole journey though. I was talking to Evelin at first but the minute Victoria turned up and started talking to me, Evelin stayed away from me.

Anyway, I do this thing where I take pictures of people when they are not looking and I thought, let me take one of Sameer. He thought that I would not get one, but on the train I sat opposite him and he closed his eye for a bit and guess who took the perfect opportunity to take a picture? :)

We talked on the train journey home and I cannot remember what was said at this instant of time... Though I think I like talking to Sameer. He smiles a lot and he is sort of funny and just a nice person, I guess. I think next year, I will try to get to know him better, perhaps.

So budget

Imagine, my sisters and I are in IKEA and have just bought some hot dogs. There are little containers for ketchup and Tobi uses it to get some drink. Some people from afar pity her - they must have thought she was poor - so they gave her and Joy there drinks cups.

Meringues and rumours

Today, I went to Tesco with my sister, Tobi.

I was walking and accidentally hit a box of meringues to the ground. It was embarrassing, okay? I thought, run away, but then I thought better of it. Instead, I picked it up. I was talking, because I thought Tobi was still there, but when I looked back, guess who had left me? This nice guy helped me pick some up and I mumbled thank you before I hastily sped away. The guy's trousers had begun to fall as he was helping me pick the meringues back up.

Okay, so there is this guy called Madhvi's brother - I do not know his name. My brother is trying to find this guy to tell him to shut up and it is all sort of my fault.

This guy told his sister - Madhvi - that my brother has a girl friend, Edina. She told me and I asked him and he got angry that I found out. Then he told his sister - for some reason - that my brother beat up a girl called Yulin because she was touching him inappropriately. My brother told me, when I asked, that that was not even the funnies rumour. There was one saying that she was flirting with him and he did not like it, so he beat her up. He quickly assured me that he did not beat her up - she walked into his umbrella and then started to cry and it looked as if he had hit her but she got in the way.

Good Friday

I saw Zeinab today. I caught up with her properly. I really missed her. Like, she is the person I can tell everything without hesitation. I missed us talking. I felt as if I should message her the other day and I did but she is not Zeinab on social media. She is someone else who will not open up and who will say lol to everything even if it is not funny and she will say she is fine and that she isn't up to much even though she is probably in the midst of yet another family drama. Her house is like a bed and breakfast these days.

Umi messaged me saying good Friday. I am sort of ignoring her messages. Like replying 2 hours after each one is sent. I guess, I feel the need to make her wait as well. She is lucky I even bother to reply, when she never actually turns up. If I treated her with the same manner she treated me though, we might as well just be someone each of us just used to know. I saw Agata. What luck! There was so much to make me not be on the 182 that I was on. That selfish frog is going Poland!!!! :( AGAIN! LAST SUMMER AND NOW THIS ONE!!!

Guess who went to my psychology class today?

No one.

Well sort of.

It was not in a psychology class and we did not have a lesson.

Instead, I went to B206. In case you do not know, it is the science teacher's staff room.

I felt awkward. I was expected to stay in the staff room for a while. I have been in staff rooms before. I had an occasional visit to the one in Copland, when I was doing the Poppy Appeal and when I was collecting money for charity. In the poppy appeal one, all the teachers were staring at me because I had to read out the war poem, Flander's field. I had a party in the English staff room the day before my birthday. It is just that in a staff room, like not the ones I was used to, it was very weird.


There were bits of stuff everywhere. Every teacher had their comfy-ish chair, a computer and a telephone. There were piles and piles of books everywhere and pin boards. It was quite cool - like it was sort of personalized. The teachers put up stuff they wanted. One teacher put up the first page of the metro when Nelson Mandela died.


Some teachers stuff were organised. Like Julie's - her's was all organised into files. Then there was Mike with bits of stuff everywhere. His sort of organised mess. :P He had 5 pairs of glasses. It was so funny. I realized like 20 minutes when he got up to go to the printer, that there was 4 pairs on his table. 3 of which identical. He was wearing one. He had sheets of paper with maths working outs on and there was a plastic fork. He had a pile of text books and papers and a book. Oh and also, overhead headphones. Seriously. Like and I saw him trying to use them. Okay, so he did not put it over his head. No. Instead he sort of put one of them to one of his ears.

He spent like 10 minutes talking about Weigner and then said it was my fault because I asked - I did not; he brought up opera all by himself. He read through my personal statement first draft and asked many questions. Like ones that I struggled to answer. Then he said it was perfect - just that I could not write it in bullet points.

Then I left the college and went to sit on the bench in the park besides it. I was contemplating life. Okay, I did not want to go home. I sat there then saw Xiao and I called her and she could not hear me because she was wearing headphones which I thought at the moment was great, because I did not want any company.

Then Victoria came along and we sat there and talked for like 40 minutes. A lot of people find her to be the B word or rude.

I think she is rude sometimes and can sometimes be annoying because she is like, I am going toilet, follow me, so I am not alone. But, she is not bad at all. She is a good person to talk too.


She was not wearing her usual make up. She looked a bit worn out and tired. We discussed a lot of things such as what Hungary is like. Our parents. Just life, in general.

This day

I went to my sister's parent's evening.

A lot of teachers who I once had (like Mr Sheridan, Mrs Edmunds and Mrs Akesse) told me I looked well. Like what is that all about? Did I not look well before? It was good seeing them again after all this time. I told Mr Sheridan I was happy I did not stay as I would have been complaining like lots and he was like, I am still here, complaining occasionally. It was really sort of funny seeing him, sat there, working for Ark. he had opposed it vehemently; did everything he could to prevent it. Strikes, petitions, arguments and debates with a councilor. Then Copland turns into an academy and you would think he would leave or think that he would be made redundant for being such a trouble maker. No. Instead, change folded its arms around him. whilst he did not embrace it, he did not stop it from wrapping its arms around him as if he were a friend. 

I was sort of trying to make Tobi got to English department.  I really wanted to see Mrs Saeed but at the same time, I did not. What if she was like, and who are you? What if she did not care about me any more? What if she really did not want to see me at all? What if she was hoping I did not turn up so that she did not feel obliged to talk to me? Then there was the feeling inside of me, like, things are different. Like, it will not be the same as when I was in Copland and really, I like my memories the way they are in my head, but seeing someone after a very long time, is like, you think, maybe I exaggerated a bit.

When I entered the English Department, Mrs Edmunds saw me and talked to me. I did not want Mrs Saeed to see me, because I did not figure out what I would say or do when she did. Then, I sort of sat down, where my sisters teacher was and thought, she is looking at me, isn't she? Because she was quite near and was just looking about. So then I got up, said hello to Mr Draper and then said hello to her and she hugged me and we talked for a bit and then I went. Like I did not know what to say, because throughout this year and last, since I left Copland, there has been so much which I wanted to say to her, but that I could not and so I could not really find the right thing to say, when in front of her.

My sister and I were looking at Mr Collins. He used to be SLT and made lots of money but he is not an ordinary English and had his pay cut. I was thinking, he looks like he has a tear in his eye and Tobi whispered that to me.

Then Tobi started to say I was patronizing because I tried to high five her and we had like an not really an argument, argument, where she was like, ' but you are so patronizing. Like you are not even listening to me' and I was like, 'but you just sort of poked me in my palm - like come on!'

We soon had an audience. Mr Draper, Mrs Saeed, Mr Collins and Mrs Edmund's were sat behind the desk watching the Moronfolu show and Mr Draper made a comment about the 'Moronfolu's.'
:)


Oh yeah. I saw Hasan on the bus. He wears glasses now. I was hoping he would be on my bus and concluded the he would not be because he probably did not even come college, then I walk to the top desk of the bus I ran for, and there he is, reading a book and I am like hello and sit at the back.

Then, at Sudbury Court road, the bus sort of stopped and from I could tell, a young child fell when the bus was moving.

Okay, some of the people's behaviors were disgusting. Like, okay, no one as far as I know, got hurt apart from the child, but the way people were - forgive my language - b****ing was like, they had too. The bus stopped and next thing is this lady is blaming the mother. Like, the mother was this and that and not holding the child properly and letting the child move about on the bus. It was her fault, in this lady's opinion. Some people were angry that the bus driver was calling the bus driver. There were people shouting, like, do not call the ambulance. I mean, come on. Supposed the child severed like a blood vessel or something? I found it absolutely disgusting. At the end of the day, a child got hurt. I admit, I did not get up to help, but I mean, all the people shouting and verbally attacking the mother. I was thinking, people, someone has hurt themselves. It was not you, so why do you have to be so passionate with anger? Oh, okay, the bus has stopped, well then get on another one.

I got of the bus and walked to Rugby Avenue where I got on the 92.

Guess who I saw today? Apart from Mahamood (picking up his nephew and niece) and Hassan.

My 92 bus driver. :3

I have a 92 bus driver. He is Asian and had like sort of like a long nose but it is not pointed at the end. He has nice eyes and black hair and I don't know. His face is just sort of like not serious, but like he is actually proper concentrating on bus driving and he has nice eyes and a nice smile.

I was thinking, what is taking the bus so long, but when I saw him, I was like, oh, this is worth it.

There was this time where I would leave the house at an exact time every morning to get to school, and the same 92 bus driver would drive me We acknowledged this subtly. Like, smiles. Once he asked me how I was, Today, I got on the bus, and there was my bus driver, driving the bus and he smiled, and I swear, his smile was beautiful. 

This Morning

Today, I saw Amelia and Agata and they were suprised because they did not know that I would be turning up. I was so happy to see them. Like to actually be on the bus with them after so long. I was worried that they would leave without me so I sort of abandoned getting news papers and ran for the bus.

It was so awkward. I stayed on the 182 to Harrow and Wealdstone station and then I got a bus back to Harrow bus station. I went to top up my oyster card and as I walked out, I was walking and besides me this man was walking and I looked to my side because I think, he must have said something and it turns out that is is Mr Malone. We are walking down the stairs, side by said and I am thinking, oh no, we are both heading college, the same direction and I did not want to like awkwardly make conversation. I guess he must have figured this because he said, 'anyway bye, see you at college and he turned and walked through the recreation ground.

I had a Psychology lesson. Guess who was the only student in the class - again? Me. I got lost. At first I went canteen, then I went B207 and then I went B103 where as there was an exam in my usual class and it said go to B103. It was passing by nine slowly and Mike had not passed me. Then he called and asked where was I? It was funny and awkward because I am like, who is this and he is like Mike and I am thinking, Mike actually knows how to use a phone and he is calling me, okay, that is weird. Then he told me to go back to B206 and then we went B203.

He put a pile of cut up sheets in front of me, of 4 different colours and I stared at it and he was like 'Go on then' and I did not want to sound stupid, so I did not ask what to do. I worked out it was a puzzle and put them together and then read it. Then Mike asked me questions about it. I was like thinking, please do not ask questions - I didn't read through it properly. Like I never knew he would quiz me!

I go on sometimes about how much I love Mike - as a person, because he is quite inspiring - but like, being in a room with him for like one and a half hours is like far too much.

Like I even learnt stuff about him. He had unipolar depression but it was not that he had a really low mood for a long time, but that he lost interest in things that he used to like. He complains about his memory not being like it used to and said that he annoys himself. It's sort of funny. Like one minute we are learning Psychology and the next he talks about his life. he has never mentioned marriage or children before.

He talked to me about this study that was investigating if being lonely and having a low self esteem made you depressed, but actually found the people found that it did not cause you to be depressed, but rather more that is something horrible like your pet died - River Rain Hanne Welch is a rock therefore immortal - and you are lonely and have a low self esteem, you are more likely to become depressed.

He told me to watch a Saplosky talking about Depression and Scizophrenia - Mike loves this guys lectures. He is a lecturer at Stanford University and teaches about Psychology and specializes in monkey behavior. I did and it was interesting. He said that majorly depressed people tend to wake up very early rather than late. The tend to not do things because it seems to require a lot of energy to them. Like, oh, I will not go to meet my friend - not because I cannot, but because I have to get up, get dressed, look in the mirror, bath, etc and that is all way too demanding. Mike made a good point. He said I (directing to me) am unlikely to get schizophrenia or go anorexic. I am unlikely to develop a phobia. However, I am very likely to have unipolar depression or know someone who does because it is an endemic now - like the common flu. He said it was probably worst than other illnesses that cause pain because you may come out of the other side, stronger and sort of happy that it happened because it made you a better person, however depression takes what makes you yourself and what makes you happy and it steals it. Think about it - your interest and personality are what make you you. I mean, other people may not draw scenes of doctor who with faceless people; other people may not be so dedicated to Fan fiction like Zeinab or they may not collect rocks and shells like Agata. These things make them not just another face in the crowd, but special and different - though I hate using the word different now, to describe people. Imagine if all the things that you saw that made people special and unique was just gone and then they became just an obscure figure in a grey cloud. No colour or identity either. Nothing to say, oh yeah, this is this person and they are unique ans special because ------.

I am sort of excited for Clinical Psychology next year. :)

Dancing with myself

I remembered this song that I have heard in a lot of American shows called Dancing with myself and I thought it be an appropriate title.

Yesterday I was supposed to go our with a friend. Hahahaha, with the supposed, you can already tell that it is a foreshadow. I was supposed to go, but guess who did not turn up? Okay. I waited like an hour at Alperton station the went to go get lunch from Sainsbury's. I wondered if I should just go home, but I looked back at the train station and thought, today, I was supposed to just relax and celebrate exams being over and I can still do it anyway without a friend.

Some of my friends are unreliable, selfish or opportunists. What is so hard about coming on time? She messaged me at 14:36 saying she just woke up but it was not her fault because she was on her period and I was like, you know what, I am not even angry, I am just disappointed and actually, it's sort of my fault I expected any different. She said, next time though. I am still talking to her - for now - but actually, I do not think there is a next time and if there is, then I may just forget to show up or I will blow her off at the last minute, because actually, waiting for someone who will not turn up is not time spent well.

I went alone to the Natural history museum. It was so cool. The road was literally called Museum road and there was a tunnel from South Kensington station, leading to Victoria and Albert Museum, Natural history Museum and the Science museum. I went into Natural History Museum - the one Mike recommended when I told him I was going Museum on Friday. I had a look round and there were these large like skeletons and figures and I looked at them and I thought, wow, are they actually real fossils? Then I read closer and read what some of them said, and some are just copies, but even still, the original fossils must have been equally as big. I looked at the arthropods section. It is so cool that the museum was providing me answers to questions that I had never even questioned before. I walked in listening to music, but switched it off, because it was too distracting. I found out the difference between centipedes and millipedes. Centipedes have only one set of legs per segment of the body, whereas millipedes have two. I mean, yeah, it is not as if knowing this is revolutionised the world, but it's still worth knowing.

I went to the science museum afterwards but only stayed ten minutes because my toe and neck and head were hurting. I got on the circle to Edgware road. I needed to get on a Bakerloo line train so I thought, okay, I will get off at Paddington. The carriage I sat on was empty, but pretty soon, people came and sat in front of me. I was thinking, like, come on, there is a totally empty carriage further down, but NO you sit infront of me!

I look up and realise, crap, we are at Edgware road station, where the train terminates. What happened to Paddington? I missed it and had to get on another train to Baker street.

It was a good day out. :)

Dawn of a new ... night, I guess

I am so excited for tomorrow :) I am seeing an old friend, Umi, and we are going to the Natural History Museum and the Science Museum and I literally cannot wait. I have never been Natural history Museum before and like I cannot wait to see her. We are literally going to talk so much. I will be so angry if she does not turn up - but I think she will.
But literally, I told my mum and dad, yeah, by the way, I am going Natural History Museum with a friend and celebrating exams finishing and they were like, okay, how much do you want, and I was like, oh wow, being 17 is different from 16 somehow, because they would not have let me before. I am so happy. They are starting to see me like a young adult as opposed to a kid - in some ways and like yaaaay :) Okay, this is a milestone for me!

I finished my exams today. S1 was beautiful although so many people were like, what the flip was that?  This morning, I felt like crap. I was yawning so much and felt so sleepy even though I had coffee. I felt sick. I had a cheese and pickle sandwich, but I threw half of it away. I felt bad because like people in Africa suffering and not able to have food, but literally, if I finished it, I would have thrown up. My back and neck and head were aching. They have been for a couple days. I took a sort of morning walk and then went to my exam and thought, let this thing come and hit me as I am as ready as I will ever be.

Only it did not. The exam got cancelled. Joking. That was John's joke or excuse for why it was ten past nine and we were still waiting outside. They lost the papers temporarily, okay. Hahahaha, how silly. After my exam my headache returned and all the pain did but Headlam just kept talking and I was like, oh gosh, I need silence, so I got of at Tyburn lane and went into college. I was only going to see the careers advisor but then that took an hour. I bumped into my psychology teacher who asked if I would be coming to his lesson and well I could not say no because I was there anyway. So I went.

Guess how many people showed up to the lesson? Two. When I say two, I mean two including me and the teacher. It was not awkward, as you would think it would be. A teacher in a class with just one student. No, Mike kept talking. We went through the A2 specification and he was as usual adding in anecdotes and being really like intelligent and knowledgeable about like everything. I was in awe.

Yesterday I saw Goncalo - or Gonkie - on the bus. I like seeing him. I sometimes rest my head on his shoulder on the bus and he is so sort of cuddly. I miss him a lot. The rest of the world now is boring. Though it is sad as he lack motivation for most things. He could be so much more if he tried. He said he was once spiked with ecstasy and when he realised he got all worried because he heard someone had died by being dehydrated whilst on ecstatcy. So he went to his mum's friends house - where he was staying - and was drinking lots of water. He complained about me walking him home, but I knew he wanted me there. :P <3 He loves me, really.

But trying in itself is exhausting and makes you miss out in some of what life has to offer, I guess.


Oh. I won a Harrow College Student Award. :) I got the email saying so and it really made me feel happy, like, wow, I get an award, like, I must have been nominated, but that means that a teacher would have thought that I am putting effort in and hard working and  whilst I did not really think I would get a reward other than good grades, getting an award is pretty cool.


Good night.

.

Okay, so I felt like a post where I added pictures. 

I participated in a Diwali assembly when I was in year 10 and I was Ravana, the evil guy and he had 9 heads. So what was done was that a picture of my face was taken and printed out to scale, 9 times and I had to colour them in. 

Guess what? I did not even use it.

I was in an art class room and these two teachers were talking about how much of a good student I am :) Teachers love me! Hahahaha. Zeinab was with me too. When the teachers left, she changed the radio channel despite me telling her not too. When the Art teacher came back, she had so much of a go at Zeinab and I was there like... told you so.

I made these cards for a charity thing we had to do for tutor group. It was like, hmm, why not sell Valentines day cards? We eventually made 10 pounds. Believe me or not, it was the most made in my tutor group and in a couple others. I made 10 pounds more than most people. :P The one that did nit sell, made by Hawa was ' I would kiss you, but I may get lip herpes.'

11LH <3 

It was a family.

Lambis, Sumaya and Hanan were my debate mate crew. I messed up the tournament this one time by breaking down right before we were supposed to go in, but they never had a go at me at all. 

Lambs was awesome. I helped her organise a party for our form tutor at the end of the year. 

Sarah - or Sawa the fridge girl as Agata would call her. I had a sort of love hate relationship with her. We got on only sometimes ans hated each other the rest.

There is Subhan who I sometimes used to talk to. I forget about what now, but he was pretty nice. 

There's Jafeer who could do a rubix cube in less than 1 minute. I remember I first saw him through the window of my maths class and I was like, wow, he has nice colour hair. I tried to high five him once which was very awkward because he does not touch girls in any way but I forgot some times, so offered high fives like so many times. 

There was Nermin who was so weird, in a good way, but everyone was always just mean. 

There is Umi. She talked so much and I loved her to bits and she got on my nerves quite a bit <3 

There was of course, Agata. My partner in crime, in short. 

Then, there was Mrs Hamdoun and Mrs Saeed. Mrs Hamdoun is not in this picture. It was taken after she left. I loved both of them. They were so nice.

I miss 11LH. :(

(Please tell me if you want this picture removed, Bob).

I love these guys. My best friends :)

I don't know. These shoes are just ridiculous. We were at an airport on our way to Nigeria and mum made Joy wear these. 

I love my life. I may not get out much. I may not have been many cool places like Disney world or Lego land. I may spend lots of time revising, but I do think I do live. I have so many great friends who have been there for me. I mean, that is so much considering how lonely the world can be a place. People who I can actually say, yep, they are on my side and I am on there's.I have an awesome family. I remember when I asked my mum if she actually loved me, because she treated me as if she did not and then she told me she did and she came in the middle of night to wake me up just to tell me that she did. This one night I was really ill and she came and brought me water and medication. For all her shortcomings and stuff, I still love her so much. I am awesome as well and I try to be happy, so yeah, it's a good life. :)