It's actually quite nice weather outsie

I am sat outside at the moment feeling like an idiot. I do not want to go inside because my parents will be angry at me and I do not want to apologise. However, I look like a tramp, I have revision to do, I have no internet out here and I really need the toilet. So I may go back in sooner than I want.  I have been crying and talking out loud to myself so I think maybe the Somalian looking family having a picnic think I am weird? I cry when I am angry or upset or angry and upset or sometimes a stressed. Hahaha I'm such a cry baby.  I called Agata. I had my phone in my hand and thought I want to talk to Bob and so I called but like I couldn't and I hated myself for calling because I didn't say anything and I must have made her feel like I do not trust her and like worried as well and I felt bad because I do not want her to deal with me as a mess. I was horrible last year. I sorta stormed out. My mum got angry unnecessarily at me and started blaming me and shouting at me and calling me a rubbish child and I got angry too and shouted stuff I probably should not have but that's true, regardless.  She always blames others. She takes it in turn to blame us on how we are causing the problems in her life and marriage. She blames me for small things and takes every opportunity to put us down and make us feel crap about ourselves whilst she just sits at home all day watching films on the laptop. She literally never gets up.  Everything I do is eithet wrong or not good enough. She makes it my responsibility to fill in forms online, do the food shopping for the house. It is my responsibility to look after my youngest sister and to take her out. It is my responsibility to wash all the plates and clean the kitchen and to throw out all the rubbish. I sometimes feel like I am the mum here. Like everyone is always so lazy.  Leaving plates everywhere. I can do it.But I mean like treat me more human please. Its always like there is more you can do. You aren't trying hard enough. You're stupid and pathetic and this and that for not doing more. I am always being told I am not good enough by my mum. So today when she shouted at me I thought, you know what I am going to shout mean stuff like you do so you know how I feel. I hit her where it hurts too and called her lazy. I didn't feel bad but I started to cry.