Do you know what sucks sometimes?
Talking to so many people.
In college, in my classes, I am probably the girl who someone has come to to bitch about you.
I am probably the person who has heard both sides of the argument and you are probably the people, unaware.
It is so bad. Like, I am the person who hears crap about friends - I now try to stay impartial and try not to say anything bad about the person. I am the person who hasn't told you what I know they think. I am the person probably watching you feign laughter to another joke that you find so not funny.
I am probably a person who would probably be very good at manipulating situations and exploiting situations. It is weird, really.
Thursday, 31 December 2015
I don't know, just thoughts
I have come so far.
It's really great. Like, I look back right, and I think, wow.
Look at how much I have developed.
Look at how much I have done.
Look at how much times have changed.
I remember the girl before, right, and like she would not have thought life would get this good.
She sort of felt trapped and sealed in between the days and that made her scared and made her feel like, just not existing. She just wanted to stop feeling, To disappear and she hated her self so much and blamed everything on herself and was just sort of lost, I guess.
And it's really weird. Or funny. I don't know which.
She achieved quite a bit, when she didn't consider herself worth while. She didn't acknowledge her efforts or hard work and I think, wouldn't it have been easier if she had faith in herself? If she wasn't just trying so she could prove herself, but if she was trying for personal development?
Now she is on the other side of things and has just been happy for a long time. She never would have thought that was possible. It is weird. People are always asking her how she is the happiest person ever, as if it is something that just happens over night.
It doesn't. It really does not.
2016
Okay, so it is 2016 tomorrow.
I cannot wait to cross a day of my calendar.
I have never had a calendar before.
This post is basically, me just looking back at 2015.
Awkwardest moment - I have had many embarrassing and awkward moments this year. It's not even funny. I think the most awkward would have to be talking to my boss and like stuttering for a minute and forgetting why I was there and her looking at me like, you are really weird.
Most inappropriate thing said - Well I cannot remember much of the inappropriate stuff I have said. It was probably an innuendo to Gonkie (Goncalo, an old high school friend, sort of).
Worst moment - when I cried in front of my parents. I do not think I ever have, since I was a baby, so yeah, it was sort of a big deal. My dad did not talk to me for a week or so, because he felt guilty about making me cry and feel upset. Like I do not mind being vulnerable but in front of parents, nope.
Also, not talking to my younger brother for 2 weeks. He was angry that I pushed him.
Weirdest conversation - I think it was talking about beheading with Hasan on the bus. Weird, because I did not see it coming. We were both sat together awkwardly. I was raking my brain thinking, jheez, just say something. Then he started talking about beheadings and whilst I think it is important to talk about current affairs and the news, I was still sort of like, huh? When he got of the bus, Mahamood looked at me sort of questioningly as to why I was smiling and I was like, we were talking about beheadings. I wasn't smiling because I was talking about beheadings. I was just sort of trying to wrap my head around it.
Most adventurous moment - I think I will have to put going to Oxford. NCS was quite the adventure. I got to try out new things and meet new people. However, I have chosen going to Oxford, because first of all, I was outside of London, all by myself. I went on strolls in the evening with friends and I had the freedom to explore - well within limits, I guess, but still.
Happiest moment - 4A's for A levels. I cried. I even bought myself a happy meal after. There have been so many though. I feel happy whenever I see my friends. I feel happy when I read a good book or when I am doing something I like. Most of this year has been happy. So if I were to make a 2015 Happy list, I would still be typing this time next year. I particularly enjoyed getting on the buses with Agata and Amelia and walking to Wembley with Lamis. Really made me start mornings off happy.
Saddest moment - Well, I guess, applying for Oxford was a bit of a sad time for me, because I was so like sucked out of energy and enthusiasm. I would literally think, I don't want to study. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to bother. I even thought, I just don't want to leave the house this morning and get up early. And usually, I love to wake up early. All things that I guess make up the person I am, studying, talking, motivation and enthusiasm and it was temporarily gone. It was sad because of the stress. There was getting my personal statement perfect and my peers were like, why are you stressing, the deadline is in January. Or like, I think you are obsessing with your personal statement a bit too much. The ones who weren't were like, jheeze, you have the grades and you are applying to Oxford and have so much potential, whilst I am a piece of crap. You have no right to be stressed or feel down. Mike was telling me that my statement was not personal enough and careers were telling to remove personal stuff out. Then, there was the TSA preparation. It was so easy to doubt myself. Verbal reasoning is not my strong point. I can write essays, but they aren't always good. There was also that I sort of slipping grade wise. Also, that my parents were not on board with my decision. It was either I concede and be a pushover or that I go against my parents and disappoint.
Thing I regret the most - I don't know about that... hmmmmm. I am not really thinking about what if's and I could haves because I look at my life, and I am content with it.
Most shocked moment - Getting an Oxford interview. Still feels surreal. Like, me? I am actually good enough to get an Oxford interview?
I have had a bunch of other moments that I forgot to categorize. Really, I think my friends and family have made this year a great one for just sort of being there and I am happy that I can look back at the year and like think, I was never alone and always cared about.
Au revoir
I cannot wait to cross a day of my calendar.
I have never had a calendar before.
This post is basically, me just looking back at 2015.
Awkwardest moment - I have had many embarrassing and awkward moments this year. It's not even funny. I think the most awkward would have to be talking to my boss and like stuttering for a minute and forgetting why I was there and her looking at me like, you are really weird.
Most inappropriate thing said - Well I cannot remember much of the inappropriate stuff I have said. It was probably an innuendo to Gonkie (Goncalo, an old high school friend, sort of).
Worst moment - when I cried in front of my parents. I do not think I ever have, since I was a baby, so yeah, it was sort of a big deal. My dad did not talk to me for a week or so, because he felt guilty about making me cry and feel upset. Like I do not mind being vulnerable but in front of parents, nope.
Also, not talking to my younger brother for 2 weeks. He was angry that I pushed him.
Weirdest conversation - I think it was talking about beheading with Hasan on the bus. Weird, because I did not see it coming. We were both sat together awkwardly. I was raking my brain thinking, jheez, just say something. Then he started talking about beheadings and whilst I think it is important to talk about current affairs and the news, I was still sort of like, huh? When he got of the bus, Mahamood looked at me sort of questioningly as to why I was smiling and I was like, we were talking about beheadings. I wasn't smiling because I was talking about beheadings. I was just sort of trying to wrap my head around it.
Most adventurous moment - I think I will have to put going to Oxford. NCS was quite the adventure. I got to try out new things and meet new people. However, I have chosen going to Oxford, because first of all, I was outside of London, all by myself. I went on strolls in the evening with friends and I had the freedom to explore - well within limits, I guess, but still.
Happiest moment - 4A's for A levels. I cried. I even bought myself a happy meal after. There have been so many though. I feel happy whenever I see my friends. I feel happy when I read a good book or when I am doing something I like. Most of this year has been happy. So if I were to make a 2015 Happy list, I would still be typing this time next year. I particularly enjoyed getting on the buses with Agata and Amelia and walking to Wembley with Lamis. Really made me start mornings off happy.
Saddest moment - Well, I guess, applying for Oxford was a bit of a sad time for me, because I was so like sucked out of energy and enthusiasm. I would literally think, I don't want to study. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to bother. I even thought, I just don't want to leave the house this morning and get up early. And usually, I love to wake up early. All things that I guess make up the person I am, studying, talking, motivation and enthusiasm and it was temporarily gone. It was sad because of the stress. There was getting my personal statement perfect and my peers were like, why are you stressing, the deadline is in January. Or like, I think you are obsessing with your personal statement a bit too much. The ones who weren't were like, jheeze, you have the grades and you are applying to Oxford and have so much potential, whilst I am a piece of crap. You have no right to be stressed or feel down. Mike was telling me that my statement was not personal enough and careers were telling to remove personal stuff out. Then, there was the TSA preparation. It was so easy to doubt myself. Verbal reasoning is not my strong point. I can write essays, but they aren't always good. There was also that I sort of slipping grade wise. Also, that my parents were not on board with my decision. It was either I concede and be a pushover or that I go against my parents and disappoint.
Thing I regret the most - I don't know about that... hmmmmm. I am not really thinking about what if's and I could haves because I look at my life, and I am content with it.
Most shocked moment - Getting an Oxford interview. Still feels surreal. Like, me? I am actually good enough to get an Oxford interview?
I have had a bunch of other moments that I forgot to categorize. Really, I think my friends and family have made this year a great one for just sort of being there and I am happy that I can look back at the year and like think, I was never alone and always cared about.
Au revoir
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
Me, Earl and the dead girl
*sighs*
*facepalm*
I started the book, but I really cannot see it through to the end.
In my opinion - key words here being my opinion - it is not a good book. I personally feel as if it is written really well. It is authentic, in the way, in how some of the book is written script like. However, despite all this, I...
I just watched the movie trailer which seems awesome, so I may hang in there actually...
*facepalm*
I started the book, but I really cannot see it through to the end.
In my opinion - key words here being my opinion - it is not a good book. I personally feel as if it is written really well. It is authentic, in the way, in how some of the book is written script like. However, despite all this, I...
I just watched the movie trailer which seems awesome, so I may hang in there actually...
Sunday, 27 December 2015
Christmas
Christmas this year was amazing.
The thing I love about it the most is that we did not need a Christmas tree. We did not watch much TV - everything this time of year is saturated with festivity, which can get quite nauseating at times. We did not need turkey and roasted potatoes and we did not cook much. We didn't break open crackers or sit around a table together.
Joy and I cleaned my room and I stuck up pictures on the wall. We sat on the floor on my room, doing a 500 piece puzzle and literally three hours passed by. We admitted defeat after a while and went to have lunch. We talked. Watched Doctor Who. Alex Kingston is an amazing actress and I cried.
My mum made rice - we usually have rice on Christmas - sprouts, spring rolls and meatballs.
Sufra
I have started volunteering in a food bank.
Today was my first day.
Here are the pros.
It is one minute away from my house.
Only three hours on a Sunday. Fortnightly.
Anisa, the girl who works there went to Copland and she is really bubbly and friendly.
It is like a hang out zone for my siblings, so I volunteer with people I know.
They have free cup cakes and food.
I feel like I am doing something worthwhile.
Today was my first day.
Here are the pros.
It is one minute away from my house.
Only three hours on a Sunday. Fortnightly.
Anisa, the girl who works there went to Copland and she is really bubbly and friendly.
It is like a hang out zone for my siblings, so I volunteer with people I know.
They have free cup cakes and food.
I feel like I am doing something worthwhile.
Thursday, 10 December 2015
Third Eye
I love Florence + the machine's new album.
I especially like the way how she uses words in her lyrics. It is like the way poetry but with haunting background music. In none of her lyrics are swearing. There are some songs, that the whole way through the song it is like ' B**** N*****.'
I don't really like that some of the new videos contain nudity because before, what I respected most about Florence was that she did not have to take of her clothes to get fans. Like she did not have to go on stage half naked. It's funny because most of her performances on stage, she is wearing like so much clothes. Like a long dress or something.
Anyway, that is not even my point / or what I want to talk about in this post.
She has this song called Third eye.
One of my favorite lines is that 'you deserve what you are given.'
I did not really get it at first. As in, sometimes people want more than what they are given. Also, I thought, does it mean that we deserve all the pain and hurt that the world may inflict? (I guess, actually now thinking about it, it does on some level.)
As I listened to the song more, I sort of got the point more. The song is about / to a person who does not think that they deserve: happiness, love, friendship and to be treated well. A person who considers themselves not worthy to receive the good of the world. Perhaps because they are too stuck resenting themselves.
I especially like the way how she uses words in her lyrics. It is like the way poetry but with haunting background music. In none of her lyrics are swearing. There are some songs, that the whole way through the song it is like ' B**** N*****.'
I don't really like that some of the new videos contain nudity because before, what I respected most about Florence was that she did not have to take of her clothes to get fans. Like she did not have to go on stage half naked. It's funny because most of her performances on stage, she is wearing like so much clothes. Like a long dress or something.
Anyway, that is not even my point / or what I want to talk about in this post.
She has this song called Third eye.
One of my favorite lines is that 'you deserve what you are given.'
I did not really get it at first. As in, sometimes people want more than what they are given. Also, I thought, does it mean that we deserve all the pain and hurt that the world may inflict? (I guess, actually now thinking about it, it does on some level.)
As I listened to the song more, I sort of got the point more. The song is about / to a person who does not think that they deserve: happiness, love, friendship and to be treated well. A person who considers themselves not worthy to receive the good of the world. Perhaps because they are too stuck resenting themselves.
Tuesday, 8 December 2015
My Age of Anxiety
I have finished reading the books I wrote on my personal statement.
Better late than never, I guess. :)
They were really good books.
I cannot really lie and say that I didn't have to read them - not reading them would jeopardize my up coming Oxford interview.
However, they were really seriously amazing books.
I did not really feel I was reading them because I had to, but more because I was interested.
In my Age of Anxiety, it discussed classifying mental illnesses. Especially anxiety.
It is weird really. A disease that before being classified, not many people had it. But after being defined, it is quite uncommon not to know someone with it. Does this reflect that before defining anxiety that there was a large hidden figure or that after defining anxiety, people fitted themselves into categories? Or perhaps this just suggests that the prevalence has increased. Even then, that is questionable. How many people with mental illnesses, who have them are unaware? How many people who have mental illnesses go unreported? Then again. how many shy people have been catergorized as anxious? How many people who just aren't expressive with emotions have been described as depressed? The book illustrates really well that trying to assess trends of anxiety and mental illnesses over time and trying to draw an accurate conclusion onto who has the illness can be ambiguous.
Better late than never, I guess. :)
They were really good books.
I cannot really lie and say that I didn't have to read them - not reading them would jeopardize my up coming Oxford interview.
However, they were really seriously amazing books.
I did not really feel I was reading them because I had to, but more because I was interested.
In my Age of Anxiety, it discussed classifying mental illnesses. Especially anxiety.
It is weird really. A disease that before being classified, not many people had it. But after being defined, it is quite uncommon not to know someone with it. Does this reflect that before defining anxiety that there was a large hidden figure or that after defining anxiety, people fitted themselves into categories? Or perhaps this just suggests that the prevalence has increased. Even then, that is questionable. How many people with mental illnesses, who have them are unaware? How many people who have mental illnesses go unreported? Then again. how many shy people have been catergorized as anxious? How many people who just aren't expressive with emotions have been described as depressed? The book illustrates really well that trying to assess trends of anxiety and mental illnesses over time and trying to draw an accurate conclusion onto who has the illness can be ambiguous.
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