Some stuff

I was going to go to sleep. I was listening to music on YouTube and letting things take their course. (I.e. not changing songs and relying on autoplay.) I finally decided that it was time to get myself immersed in UCAS - it had to happen sooner or later. 

I am just starting to get real. Looking at Universities outside London and requirements. I haven't even touched student finance or scholarships yet...  I feel so underprepared. 

And so stressed. 

Like wow. It is summer. Well summer is fleeting away, anyhow. ]

Anyway, I was going to go sleep, then Emeli Sande - Read all about it III came on and damn, it is powerful and emotive! 

I thought I should add these. :) 

I can do this.

Day by day. 

I keep imposing myself with trying to bite on more than I can chew. 

Trying to do so much more than possible at one go. 

It just hinders productiveness. 

Right now, I am in the stage where I am thinking, crap, where has childhood gone?

It is sort of sad. 

The freedom and choices and expectations. 

Like, damn, I am a young adult.

I am being forced to decide what I want to do with life. 

And I don't know.

It feels like I am merely a bet and so many people have invested in me. 

I do not want to let anyone down. 

However, I am not going to live the life that people are trying to push me into. 

If I am going to University and paying all those bloody fees then they bloody well be for a course that I think I want to do. 

So yeah. 

Good night. 

ZEINAB GOT INTO A LEVELS! ENGLISH, SOCIOLOGY AND HISTORY. :) PLEASED FOR HER.

JOY GOT 5 A*'S AND 5 A'S FOR GCSE. PROUD OF HER. 

ANTHONY GOT A, B'S, C'S AND ONE D AND HE IS GOING UXBRIGDE INSTEAD OF ARK ELVIN WITH JOY. 

I WISH ALL MY NEWS WAS GOOD. 

SO MANY PEOPLE FAILED A LEVELS AND THEIR ENGLISH GCSE.

IT WAS DEVASTATING. IT IS BRUTAL THAT ONE PERSONS SUCCESS MEANS ANOTHER PERSONS FAILURE. 

THAT IS THE REALITY. :(

I TOLD XIAO NOT TO BE PUT OF BY APPLYING TO ANY UNI'S AS SOMEONE HAS TO GET IN. 

HOWEVER, SOMEONE HAS TO BE REJECTED. 

UGH. THE STRUGGLE. 

I WENT WITH NIKITA TODAY TO GIVE HER MORAL SUPPORT.

THEY DID NOT LET HER RETAKE. SHE HAS TO DO ONE YEAR BTEC. :( 

I TOLD HER FAILURE IS A STEPPING STONE.

EVERYBODY FAILS AT ONE POINT.

SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE SHUT THE F UP! WHEN HAVE YOU FAILED? WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN REJECTED? TOLD YOU CANNOT DO WHAT YOU WANT TO?

TRUE. 

I HAVE NOT HAVE MY FAIR SHARE, ACADEMICAL WISE.

I CANNOT REALLY CLASSIFY THINGS AS FAILURES. 

HOWEVER, I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH THINGS.

EVERYONE DOES. 

JUST A BIT OF STUFF

Oh wow. I have not written in a long time.

I am just going to update you lot out there.

Summer is nearly over.

I can feel the Autumn wind trying to seep into the warmth.

Especially as it is cold out and my mum left the door opened.

My hayfever is acting up so badly. Especially before I go bed. Feel like I cannot breath sometimes.

The headaches have stopped.

I have not isolated myself this summer.

Or spent all the time studying.

I am forcing myself to literally get out.

To meet friends.

To stay in sync.

I am happy.

A bit stressed.

It has been really cool. Though I feel like my childhood has gone already.

Like, what happened to those times when we would go Asda over school just because?

What happened to the times where I would write all those stories?

What happened to the times I would write poems about every little thing?

My creativity has dwindled.

Has dissipated somewhere in the atmosphere.

And I am plain and bland

like all the grey figures here

each day I feel more and more

pushed into despair

deep down in the core

I am tired

8 hours per night

day shows and is this and that

and this and that and this and that

and so much

I impose so much on myself.

However, stress and happiness can coincide.

I feel stressed in the library work experience

but I am happy to be with friends and people who are nice to me

and to just talk

:)

I got 4 A's. 

I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. So happy. SO DAMN HAPPY!!

I can't believe it. 

I really cannot. 

I thought, AAAB or AABB

But I did it. 

Crap. 

It was great.

I saw Hayat. 

OMG!! 

We were screaming and hugging for 10 minutes. 

I was so happy. 

Then Umi reactivated FB. 

And messaged me. 

I thought, crap, GOD IS SO GREAT

Like so great. 

Hayat and Umi both disappeared of the face of the earth 

I was like WTF happened

but they are back in my life 

so that is good 

I went to see Wendy 

I promised I would if my results went well 

And both her and Sahitya hugged me

like I feel like its a family there 

like at home 

and yesterday Pasadina gave me 7 New Scientist magazines

from the library and said I did not need to return them 

because I told her about my ambitions to do something sciency in A levels

:) 

I love myself 

I am so awesome

Adios 

Jitters

Okay, so tomorrow is results day and the nerves are setting in.

It feels real now.

Before it was so surreal. Like, it may not even come to results day because it is so far away.

I was fine at first.

Till Amelia and Idil told me about exam rumors - both seemed to think that the exam results would be biased.

Idil said apparently examiners got confused and marked generously.

Amelia said apparently OCR fucked up badly.

Both worry me. I do not want an examiner who is subjective.

I want an examiner who will give me the marks I deserve, irrespective.

I do not want lost exam papers.

And for them to have to estimate what I got based on mocks.

I got over that a bit.

Then I looked at the grade boundaries. Another kick up the backside.

Grade boundaries are done systematically.

Only a certain percent get a certain grade.

Quality control, if you think about it.

So grade boundaries being low does not really matter. A certain percent will always still get A's and a certain percent will always still get U's.

My problem is that all the grade boundaries are like 5 marks apart. Imagine getting an A would be 50 and getting a C, 40 marks and a B, 45 marks.

I am worried Maths. A few marks will mean the difference between the A I sought after and the B, C and lower that I dread.

Excuses

It is so easy to form an excuse. 

I do not jog on a period so that I do not loose too much blood. 

I do not try diet because I have tried before and it does not work. 

I did not stand up for myself because I thought it was my fault. 

I do not do anything when people use me because I put myself int the position. 

Those are just a few of the excuses that I have told myself. 

Yesterday, I was supposed to be meeting a friend from High school. I did want to see her but it did not feel right - I wanted her to make an excuse or for me to make one. 

It looks like it will rain.

I might get a headache. 

My mum wants me to do something for her. 

The thing about these excuses are that they are all fiction and I think, why do I have to make something up that is not true to tell someone that I would rather stay at home because I literally have not been in my own house, before 6 - 7 pm for ages.

The things about excuses is that they are just thongs we tell herself.

I can jug on a period if I feel like it. 

I can diet it I try 

I can stand up for myself if I try 

Whilst I put myself in the position where someone can take advantage, I can stand up for myself and I could make people aware that I will not stand for being used.