Guess Who's back?

Honesty

One thing people sometimes do not understand, is that when I eat properly, I am not necessarily recovering and I am not necessarily cured from my eating disorder.

It is difficult.

During the summer, I decided that I was going to try and get better. I slowly let go of restricting. I allowed myself to eat carbs and meat and to cook with oil and I stopped limiting myself to 1200 calories. It seemed as if I were getting better.

However, my ED voice was resurfacing. The guilt and issues with weight were all still there. I was still weighing food and counting calories and thinking about food ALL THE DAMN TIME. That guilt, I realise, doesn't just evaporate. It motivates my behaviour as if it were the sole purpose of my existence. When I did eat, I was obsessive. I counted calories and weighed food. I cooked one meal at a time so I could be absolutely sure of the calories. I planned when I would eat and where and how many grams I would cook and what to do with the rest of the day to avoid the temptation of food. I stopped eating food where I could not estimate the calories. I began to walk 10 - 12 miles a day without a fail. I'd spent 20 - 30 minutes additionally exercising at home or at an outdoor gym. I would write down how many miles I was walking and would record the minutes I spent exercising at home. Any thing that impeded my attempts to burn calories would make me feel incredibly guilty and push me towards restricting again. Because I couldn't possibly eat enough if I am not burning calories. If I am not doing anything, I do not deserve food. I deserve the headaches and tiredness. I can't be lazy.

See, it is all still there. The faulty thought processes and the guilt and the fear of gaining weight and the obsession with food.

Eating properly means I am managing to live with those voices, but they are still there.

This sucks but I do not think I will be free of my eating disorder. At least not anytime soon.

My eating disorder is a save haven. As long as I am good at times, as long as I burn calories and restrict, I will not gain weight and I couldn't bear gaining weight because no one could ever love me fat. My eating disorder is all I know - I cannot eat properly without compensating or guilt. I cannot eat based on my appetite; I eat too much or too little.

Hopefully, I will get there.

I think I am becoming depressed.

I hate that label.

I hate labels attached to mental health in general.

It feels like once you tell someone like I have x problem, that is how they see you.

As an illness. As symptoms.

But really, no one is a set of symptoms. Or an illness. Even if it does seem to swallow you.

I unfortunately know what is happening to me.

I do not know if it makes it worse; knowing?

Because there is knowing that I am falling, but feeling equally like I cannot do anything about it.

The first time I felt like I was depressed was when I was 11 ish and all I wanted to do was rid myself from the world.

Hahahahaha, yes, a bit drastic and melodramatic but honestly, that felt like the only option.

Back then, I was falling apart and had no idea what the hell was happening to me and that scared me almost as much as how I was feeling.

Now, things aren't that bad, but at the same time, I don't want them to.

Things feel like effort. Small things. Putting on clothes sometimes. Showering. Some days, midday, I crawl back into bed and just wait for time to pass.

There are things that make me happy, yes. But, in the background, I just feel like shit. Trapped sort of.

I hate eating so much and it feels so bad but then when I do not eat enough, I feel like shit because it hurts.

I am avoiding people. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't handle socialising as much anymore.

On the positive side, I am seeking help.

I will talk to my GP.

I am still keeping my three things that make me happy a day list.

I am talking to people. I am not bottling things up.

I don't want you to be worried about me Bob. I just want to be honest. Things aren't great and instead of trying to hold things together and trying to be pretend to be happy, I am being honest.

And I do think that is  quite strong. I am accepting things. But still, at the same time, fighting it.

I can do this.

Chaplaincy

I was pretty sure that one of the chaplains at University did not like me.


Okay, I will backtrack a bit.


Do you know when you meet someone for the first time and you like them already? The sort of person you can see yourself being able to talk to. That was her. I guess, she just talked and smiled and she was nice.

I didn't get to know her much last year. I more sort of 'liked' her from a distance. Not in a creepy way. In a sort of, she's really funny (I know that through sermons) and really nice (she'd talk to me a bit after services when she wasn't busy).

There are many reasons I think she didn't like me last year.

She'd always encourage me to stay and join in the meal but I'd always come up with flimsy excuses.

Also, whenever she talked to me before services, I usually felt quite anxious and responded awkwardly and monotonous.

I also never turned up to anything. She was always trying to sort of engage me and be nice, but I wasn't receptive.

Things sort of got better nearer third time.

I had to cook at the Chaplaincy and I made rice and vegetables but I couldn't eat the rice at the time because I wasn't eating carbs and so I left straight after the service and so she messaged me on Facebook (an added me) and asked if everything was okay because I rushed off and I said I didn't like rice. That same week, I went to the chaplaincy to do a craft activity and we talked quite a lot. (I think she may have been surprised by how much I actually talk!)

Honestly, sort of closer, she was nicer and funnier than I thought. She laughed and talked a lot. She doesn't take things too seriously and she was caring and I don't know, she made me feel a bit like I mattered.

Around the middle of third term when things were getting a bit tough, I decided to tell her about my eating disorder. This was when things were getting worst and all I could think about was food 24/7. My personal tutor was away on a conference and honestly, I felt like I owed her an explanation. She was being so lovely to me and I was always a bit on edge when I talked to her and always came across as stroppy or rude. I never stayed for dinner in the chaplaincy after the services and I felt like maybe she took it a bit personally.

She was so lovely about it. She sat there and listened to me and asked me questions and afterward, prayed for me. It was so sweet of her.

What I liked most is that she didn't give up on me, if that make sense. She continued after that to ask if I wanted to stay for dinner, but would always smile and tell me that there was no pressure at all. It felt nice, her not making any assumptions and also that she made clear that it was not a problem if I didn't stay and that I had nothing to feel guilty about.


So yeah, things were sort of alright near the end of last year.

But I decided to volunteer in the chaplaincy in September. I thought why not? I'd like to do something nice for her.

It was so awkward. I have been feeling a lot more anxious in general. One of the things that makes me feel a bit on edge is where people I am not particularly close to are kind to me because sometimes people treat me better than  I treat myself and I feel uncomfortable because I don't think I deserve it. So seeing her again made me feel kind of anxious.

The way I treated her, I think was very much influenced by my anxiety. I'd smile and laugh a lot. I'd avoid direct contact where I could - opting to stare at my phone - than interact with her. The thing is, I talked to her colleagues just fine. I am certain that I came across as stroppy, quite, anxious and that I was horrible company.

At first, she talked to me, but after a couple of days,  I started to feel like she didn't like me because she thought I didn't like her because she came in and said hello to the other member of staff sat opposite me, but she didn't even look at me. Like, she would interact with the others as if I wasn't actually there. We were setting up for a craft activity and there were 6 other volunteers and she didn't directly tell me to do anything, only them. She interacted with them like her usual self i.e. making jokes and just talking a lot but she wouldn't say much to me. However, during the craft activity, I actually talked quite a lot and appeared happier and she actually talked to me a bit more and so I figured that she was treating me based on how I was treating her and that made me feel more anxious and I don't know, just kind of weird. I thought maybe she didn't like me and thought I did not like her and so stopped bothering with me but only talked to me when I talked to her just to sort of be nice.

I felt so bad that I decided I'd just talk to her.

She asked how things were going and I explained that I things with food were just as unstable and that I am also feeling not great and she asked about my anxiety levels and I told her they were high and she said that was interesting because I do not come across as anxious at all and then she asked how I was feeling when I volunteered at the chaplaincy and I said I felt like I was horrible company and she said no and that they loved having me there and I was like, are you sure but she said yes and the way she looked at me, I was sure that she wasn't lying it just telling me to make me feel better and so it turns out, I just made everything up in my head.

I was pretty sure she was ignoring me but I guess my interpretation is wrong and maybe I didn't notice things and maybe she was busy and because I was there pretty much every day for a while, I had become like furniture so she was used to having me around. I don't know. But for now, I think she likes me... I mean, she listened to me and tried to help and suggest what I should do and she didn't think I was being silly and she said that I could come back and talk to her like weekly if I wanted to and when I was skeptical, she said she would not make a promise like that if it were not genuine.

She is kind to me and it is difficult to accept because I do not feel like I deserve it. I do feel like a fraud. Like at some point, she will find out something about me that will make her hate me. I feel like I am blowing things out of proportion. Like I am unreasonable and not worth the hassle. I do not want to be dependent on someone because what happens when they let me down? What happens when I become too much to handle? However, I do feel less anxious around her because I know she doesn't dislike me. Also, I know now that I do come across happier than I feel even when I am certain I am being a stroppy piece of crap. I know that maybe I am processing things that aren't neccesarily bad, in a negative way and so things feel like a bigger deal than they actually are. Also, I know that in future, I can just talk about things and ask about how I am coming across.

So yeah. Peace out.

On the bright side

Joy and Anthony came up to Warwick on Tuesday morning and we had a great time!

I played Monopoly for the first time and it was really fun - though both Joy and Anthony proclaimed that it spoiled families and friends which I did not understand until we bought property.

They met Nabz and Tiff which was great. They loved Nabz - they agreed with me and felt like she was a Londoner - and they liked Tiff, though felt like she didn't like them. Also, she told my sister that moving out and University is shit and Joy wasn't too pleased about someone spoiling her excitement. We went to Coventry and just chilled in IKEA. It was really fun.


I have enjoyed not having wifi. I have had to walk to the library at Uni to use the internet. It is refreshing in the respect that I do not feel like I am a slave to technology. Also, I have enjoyed having my own room and being home alone. I have been sleeping a lot earlier and I wake up in the morning and feel refreshed and go on a walk and breathe in the cold morning air and it feels so amazing. All alone, I feel so unattached if that makes sense. I am not a friend or a sister or a student or anything to anyone. I am just myself in my own space and I am free and not responsible for anyone else apart from myself. I don't know. I do not have to worry about my little sisters' eating and about my mums' spending and my dads' health problems and getting good grades and looking presentable for others.


I earned 130 pounds working for two days which feels good. On one day, I was making sandwiches - by this, I mean I was literally buttering bread for seven hours. On the other day, I was a fake diabetic patient. Medical students have to do exams called OSCE's where they go around in circuits and do 15 tasks. Each one is 9 minutes - two to read and seven to do the task. They had to explain to me that they were going to give me an insulin and flu injection. They had to explain the routes and check my records and then perform the injection on a fake arm. And I got paid for that. For sitting. They gave us free breakfast and lunch and we got to sign we did an extra 15 minutes we didn't do and we did nothing for an hour and still got paid. It was brilliant.

The not so great...

I have been ill for a while. Not ill as in, full blown cold. I can still do things. However, I can still feel the cold is there in the background. Instead of resting, I have been cramming every second with something to do and really, I am just tired and I am dreading doing things.

I just want to stay in bed and hide away from the world. I don't want to leave my room and face the world. I don't want to respond to messages. I don't want to eat properly. I don't want to start Uni. I don't want to be around people. But I know I have to so it sucks.

I looked at my time table and the next days I have some free days all to myself is 7-8th October. I am working weekends to then. I am volunteering all next week. I am training for volunteering for an open day on Thursday. Next week Monday, I am training for another volunteer role and also working. On the Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I am taking part in a programme. On the Wednesday next week I am volunteering. The week after that is when Uni starts. I will be on a stall on the volunteers fair and going to the soc fairs with Nabz. Additionally, I will be spending evenings preparing for my URSS project and researching it.

Also, things with food feel slightly on edge. Anthony and Joy came up for two days and for dinner, we were in Iceland and the picked up frozen pizza, chips, chicken nuggets and cheesecake. I was mentally panicking thinking I cannot eat all of that (we had Gregg's for lunch as well!). Then today, there was like so many packs of crisps and snickers and we basically ate all junk food all day. To top it off, I weighed myself yesterday and my weight remained stable but I spent so much time after that getting annoyed at myself for not losing weight. I feel more and more like I am losing control with food and I know this sounds stupid, but I really want to restrict calories. I want to stop eating meat and rice and pasta and potatoes and junk and crappy food. I just want to be good again. Only I know very well that I shouldn't give in.

Honestly, I just feel so not motivated thinking about it and even though I really do not want to, I may start back at Uni already burnt out and it will be my own fault for just not looking after myself properly and for prioritising work, volunteering and other commitments over my health.

Hello!

These are exciting times!

I start back at Uni in a month which I am super excited for. I actually cannot wait to be back in lecture theatres. To have structure to my life. To see my University friends. To have my own room and to just be free really. Tat being said, I love my famiy