I think I am becoming depressed.

I hate that label.

I hate labels attached to mental health in general.

It feels like once you tell someone like I have x problem, that is how they see you.

As an illness. As symptoms.

But really, no one is a set of symptoms. Or an illness. Even if it does seem to swallow you.

I unfortunately know what is happening to me.

I do not know if it makes it worse; knowing?

Because there is knowing that I am falling, but feeling equally like I cannot do anything about it.

The first time I felt like I was depressed was when I was 11 ish and all I wanted to do was rid myself from the world.

Hahahahaha, yes, a bit drastic and melodramatic but honestly, that felt like the only option.

Back then, I was falling apart and had no idea what the hell was happening to me and that scared me almost as much as how I was feeling.

Now, things aren't that bad, but at the same time, I don't want them to.

Things feel like effort. Small things. Putting on clothes sometimes. Showering. Some days, midday, I crawl back into bed and just wait for time to pass.

There are things that make me happy, yes. But, in the background, I just feel like shit. Trapped sort of.

I hate eating so much and it feels so bad but then when I do not eat enough, I feel like shit because it hurts.

I am avoiding people. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't handle socialising as much anymore.

On the positive side, I am seeking help.

I will talk to my GP.

I am still keeping my three things that make me happy a day list.

I am talking to people. I am not bottling things up.

I don't want you to be worried about me Bob. I just want to be honest. Things aren't great and instead of trying to hold things together and trying to be pretend to be happy, I am being honest.

And I do think that is  quite strong. I am accepting things. But still, at the same time, fighting it.

I can do this.