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13 reasons why

Okay, so I finished reading thirteen reasons why and it is funny because I always think books are better than series are movies. However, I didn't like the book too much.

I could not sympathise with Hannah in the TV series and in the books, I could a bit more. However, towards the end, I really disliked her. This girl, knowing Bryce was a rapist, took of all her clothes and got in a hot tub with him. She could have turned around, but no. In the book, it was depicted like she knew it would happen but she didn't care enough to try and get a way because she had already made up her mind. She almost wanted him to do something so that she could lose control completely. I am not at all for victim blaming. i.e. Where were they? What were they wearing? Above all, rape is wrong. However, it is common sense that if you know someone is a rapist, you don't hang out with them half naked.

I think my overall problem is the way suicide is depicted. Hannah used it as a weapon to punish people. I mean, yeah, she was vulnerable, but she was also malicious. The amount of responsibility she put on others for her life was a lot.

It reminds me of James actually. As in, trying to use suicide as a weapon, not to punish people I guess, but more to keep people around. At the time, me and other people involved thought, if we say or do the wrong thing, if we're not there for him, he might go through with it. We thought it was our responsibilities to keep him from hurting himself. We were so worried about our input into his life. However, more and more, I am starting to believe that as much as people can have an impact on your life, if someone is ending theirs, then it is there decision. Granted, it may not feel like a decision. It may feel like it is the only option. And yes, someone can be hurt by others making them want to hurt themselves. However, ultimately, you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Not in the long run anyway. For instance, I have a friend who has anxiety and I can try and be there for her, but when she doesn't want me to be, she won't contact me.

The answer has to come from the sufferer really. And that is what bothers me. Hannah's story is about what others did and didn't do. What did she do for herself though? I get that she felt like she was losing control, but there are so many alternatives.

I originally wrote this two days ago but I uploaded it accidentally to my other inactive blogger account and then noticed today.

Hello!

I thought I'd update you because today was a particularly good day. 

I started off the day a bit bad. Yesterday, I ate so much and thought, damn it, I cannot continue like this. I need to diet and just not do that again. I had a plan and I was going to eat less and healthily. Then I opened the fridge and took the first thing I could find, completely neglecting my plan and it was a greasy, not even nice burger with 650 calories all in one go. 

Joy came down and had pizza and noodles for breakfast and then like an hour later she had a sandwich and I felt a tiny pang of jealousy because for her, if she is hungry, she eats. If she is not, then she will not eat. She doesn't count calories or feels bad about eating something bad. It bothered me that she ate a lot of carbs and it probably does not cross her mind at all. 

I have been trying to convince myself that maybe I do not have an eating disorder. Maybe I made it all up in my head and I am overly dramatic as usual. Also, now I am eating enough and trying to eat properly and so I am fine. I probably don't have an eating disorder and I was probably just super stressed and so my eating went a bit bad. However, when I see other people eat, I cannot help but calculate the calories that they are eating. I cannot help but wonder how much they eat, what they eat, when then eat, if they feel bad about it, if they eat properly. When I eat, I try to stop counting calories, and sometimes I forget to measure the weight of something, or I estimate instead of measuring, however, I cannot stop counting. I am glad I am not acting on the urges to restrict calories or food groups but every time I eat feels weird. It feels like a mixture of giving up like the weakling I am yet like I am strong because I am saying no to struggling with food. If that makes sense. It's weird. 

After that, I started to read 13 reasons why. I found the book yesterday evening in the library and pounced on it, telling Joy that I'd finish that night (which I did not!). I was supposed to take Busayo to the cinema but she woke up half past ten and I took her to breakfast at IKEA instead. I had  coffee and ended up at Sufra at 12:00. I was so hyper and Saba, who works there, was like, calm down. I was literally jumping around because I felt so warm inside because of the combinations of the caffiene and the hotness. I was helping Nirmean, a volunteer whose recently completed a masters in sociology, carry out some research which involves asking food bank users to fill out a survey. I actually like helping out now. It helps see people less two dimensional because I listen to them tell me their stories. Of benefit sanction. Illness. Being manipulated. Separation. Sudden loss of job. I also like that I can help some of these people. I can reassure them that THERE IS HELP even if Government is letting them down. That the staff know how to fight someone's corner and win. That there is a community food kitchen and that other food banks have kitchens too. Because what is sad, is that lots of these people have no idea who can help and what they can do and what to do next. They just come for a bit of food for the meantime while they deal with things on their own. But they do not have to because charities like Sufra exist. 

Also, I didn't really think my role dealing with social media was that important. Okay, so I post a couple of picture. Whatever. However, I am really excited because we have seen an increase in attention towards Sufra. Yesterday, I posted a post about children who'd completed a gardening course and Brent and Kilburn Times did an article about it using our pictures. And today, I posted a picture of the milk shelf being empty and donations were asked for and someone went to a supermarket and bought enough milk to fill the shelve because he saw the post. Within an hour, I had to post another picture with a full shelf of milk with thanks. How amazing is that! 

Following this, I had lunch. I then went out. I have realised that with food, because I am allowing myself to eat, I end up eating too much sometimes. It's like, oooh, I can eat as much as I want. However, that doesn't help because I start to feel a bit anxious about food and then I try to restrict calories and it fails and so my way to deal with this is to be out of the house after threeish and during the evening because before that, I don't want to eat much. It is kind of weird. My appetite is messed up and so I reckon I could starve myself for a day and still not feel hungry. So it will not wotk for me just eating when I feel hungry. So I try eating when I need food. I.e. when I start to get headaches and feel faint, but if I strategically plan my day, I can get away with only eating during the afternoon and sleeping early and so eating when it feels like I should is the healthiest thing for me to do, but that is still a bit messed up. But yeah, will work on it. But yeah, so I left the house, not knowing what I would do but knowing I couldn't be back home before seven. 

I ended up in Wembley and weighed myself (I gained a bit of weight) and so to make myself feel better, I went Primark and tried on some clothes I knew I wouldn't buy. I don't know, it makes me feel better knowing clothes will fit me and look nice. I actually bought something but i had to strategically avoid Mona and Kinal who were also there. Ugh, Kinal. 

Then I went to King Eddies and I saw the  badminton cage and it hurt a bit because years ago we said we'd come back to play badminton there, but we never did. I read a bit of 13 reasons why and then I went to the outdoor gym and I  remember when we went there once and bumped into a certain guy when I liked him. I then walked home the looooong way through Neasden. 

After dinner, Joy and I walked to Sainsbury's and I saw the freefrom aisle and thought of you. I walked past your house and tried to take a picture of it but my phone was on flash and so I hid my phone and walked quickly. I then told her about how you liked your neighbour and could only talk to him when you had a boyfriend. 

I came home and I showed Tobi what I made for myself for dinner. She told me I annoy her because I refuse to make her food. So I made her food, but she had to wash the dishes. I have not been cooking for her (I cook for Joy sometimes) but Tobi annoys the hell out of me. I asked her to turn of a light and she said she didn't put it on and I was pissed. I was cleaning plates I didn't use and I was cleaning the floor even though I would be out all day. I bought groceries with my own money. I do things for other people without asking and she cannot take off a bloody light and she is making a big deal and huffing and puffing and I wanted to slap her for being so selfish and spoilt but instead, I just refuse to cook for her and so she had to wash her own plate. I hope I taught her a lesson and I will not hesitate to do so again. I am proud of myself for being tougher. 

It is happy in a sad sort of way. Everywhere I look, I see our memories. 

I haven't cried yet, but I love you to bits Bob and I miss you and it is sinking in that you're not here.