My eating has never been great, which, if I am honest, I have always noticed, and it is something which I am sort of accepting now.

At the moment, my eating feels a little unstable. It's a bit of a cycle. I started off thinking, arrgh, I've eaten so much during the holidays. I started back making a list of things I cannot eat. There'ss carbs, so pasta, rice, couscous, bread, etc. They have so many calories. There's meat which has lots of fat apart from on lean meat and even still there is fewer calories in Quorn products anyway. 

I start and it works really well. On the one hand, it feels crappy, because I'm so tired and there are times where it feels like I may faint. Also, there's craving food and trying to stop me from eating it. On the other hand, it feels good. It feels good to be so in control. To feel like I have achieved something. 

Then, I start to slip. I feel so tired that I know I must eat something. Usually, bread. Instead of eating just a bit, I sort of go overboard. There was one day I had four cinnamon bagels. It was so bad. The afterwards, I feel like, I have eaten so much, I need to starve myself. And then it repeats. 

I literally spend most of my day thinking about food. Calories. What I can and can't eat. How much I eat.  I feel better eating in front of my friends and people I know well (when I have to). 

I just want to be at a good place with food. I'm sort of trying. 

I tried some self-help stuff (though being an idiot, I never stick with it).

Though I've started something new which feels kind of exciting, so I thought I'd share. My flat-mates for my birthday got me a sketch pad. I looked at it at first and thought, I have no idea what I am going to draw. However, I've been thinking about it, and I'm going to sort of draw how I feel.

Usually, when I draw, it's because I see something pretty or feel inspired, but I have never really drawn to express myself. I quite like drawing and I find that I am focused and peaceful when I draw and soI think drawing will take my attention of food. Also, that it's kind of cool, taking something I feel sort of uncomfortable and not really great about and making it sort of beautiful if that makes sense.