My eating has never been great, which, if I am honest, I have always noticed, and it is something which I am sort of accepting now.

At the moment, my eating feels a little unstable. It's a bit of a cycle. I started off thinking, arrgh, I've eaten so much during the holidays. I started back making a list of things I cannot eat. There'ss carbs, so pasta, rice, couscous, bread, etc. They have so many calories. There's meat which has lots of fat apart from on lean meat and even still there is fewer calories in Quorn products anyway. 

I start and it works really well. On the one hand, it feels crappy, because I'm so tired and there are times where it feels like I may faint. Also, there's craving food and trying to stop me from eating it. On the other hand, it feels good. It feels good to be so in control. To feel like I have achieved something. 

Then, I start to slip. I feel so tired that I know I must eat something. Usually, bread. Instead of eating just a bit, I sort of go overboard. There was one day I had four cinnamon bagels. It was so bad. The afterwards, I feel like, I have eaten so much, I need to starve myself. And then it repeats. 

I literally spend most of my day thinking about food. Calories. What I can and can't eat. How much I eat.  I feel better eating in front of my friends and people I know well (when I have to). 

I just want to be at a good place with food. I'm sort of trying. 

I tried some self-help stuff (though being an idiot, I never stick with it).

Though I've started something new which feels kind of exciting, so I thought I'd share. My flat-mates for my birthday got me a sketch pad. I looked at it at first and thought, I have no idea what I am going to draw. However, I've been thinking about it, and I'm going to sort of draw how I feel.

Usually, when I draw, it's because I see something pretty or feel inspired, but I have never really drawn to express myself. I quite like drawing and I find that I am focused and peaceful when I draw and soI think drawing will take my attention of food. Also, that it's kind of cool, taking something I feel sort of uncomfortable and not really great about and making it sort of beautiful if that makes sense.

JOB

I just got really good news and so I thought, I have to share it!

M mum got a job! She's finally got a job. You have no idea how happy I am!

She started a course three weeks ago. A health care one. She was hesitant at first because she has been let down so many times before. She's done health care courses and teaching and nursing before but nothing has worked. It has been the case that people have told her a job would be guaranteed if she paid for the course, but she didn't get it.

However, with encouragement from my family, she decided to stick with it.

She's completed it now and they promised her an interview at the end of the course and she got a job out of it.

I am so pround of her perseverance and happy that she has a job! :)

Nineteen

Today was absolutely amazing.


Usually what happens is that my flat-mates bake the cake for other people's birthdays. However, I baked my own birthday cake - white chocolate sponge cake with chocolate topping and sprinkles. Not bad for the first time I've made a cake! By the way, it is upside down and some of the cake crumbled off. It tasted really good anyhow.

Rebecca made curry for some of my other flat-mates and me. Following this, I went back to my room and ended up laughing hysterically because on my desk was something I was pretty sure was not there before - a card and a present. The present was a sketch pad which they'd all drawn something on and on the front cover was a map.


The map told me to go to the chaplaincy which I did. I was completely confused when I entered the building  There I found a balloon with my name on it telling me to return to my accommodation. Upon doing so, I got back and there was a note in my kitchen door telling me to open my cupboard which I did. Another note told me to use the key inside my cupboard to open the adjacent kitchen door. I opened the kitchen door and this is what happened:

We stayed for ages and played games and honestly, it was absolutely perfect! They were all just so sweet and lovely! I got a Nemo, a sketch pad and some flowers. It turns out the reason why they made me go to the chaplaincy in the sort of treasure hunt was because I was finding Nemo. I,e. eventually reaching him in my fourney. It completely cracked me up!

As for the rest of the day, Nabz and Tiff came over and we hung out in my room and they gave me my presents which were amazing! Nabz, amongst other stuff, got me a book called 'my dysfunctions,' (totally me!) Tiff got me a questionable gift from Ann Summers which made me crack up - trust me, it's not age appropriate!

And what's more, is that we all seem to be finally sort of getting on with J again. I have not mentioned this yet, but a few days ago, he asked via Facebook, Alicia, why I was not talking to him. I responded that he was the one ignoring me and so he asked if we can talk again. I was like, yeah sure, but why would you want to talk, after I snapped at you and after he got kicked out of the house we're living in? Then he said that he said he wants to put that aside and that he still likes me as a person so yeah, we've sort of buried the hatchet. Well not exactly. We're not friends and I am most certainly not going to let him in my room. However, it's so much easier to just be civil up until the end of the year then cut him properly out of my life after this year.

To top it all off, I had my presentation today which went well. Hester, the lecturer marking us, was absolutely brilliant. I love her. I really do! She was marvellous at sort of calming us down. She asked whether any of us were nervous. When people raised their hands, she then asked if anyone was going to be critical and mean. One guy put his hand up as a joke and she jokingly told him to get out. Then she reassured us that we were on the same boat. Then she told us what not to do and assured us that the first time she did a lecture, she was so nervous that she had to hold on to something. When she finished, she told us that we should focus on how much we know that we didn't know in the beginning of the year and not what we still needed to know. She was brilliant and motivating and I felt so reassured.

My presentation went really well.Nabz, of course, was brilliant and did her part well and I did not talk way too fast :)

Also, what made my day as well is your postcard, Bob. It is on my wall and I was grinning like an idiot for ages after I saw it. I was going to message you saying thank you but I didn't just want to leave with a crappy message and at the time, I did not have time to write something out properly. What I want to say is:

I love you so so so much and it sucks not seeing you every day. It sucks that I don't get to share my moments with you, but on the other hand, I am happy that we are still in each other's lives. I am grateful for all the moments that we have shared. Thank you so much for the postcard!

Carry on being fantastic. The other day, I was talking about you (I talk about you all the time btw). I was telling my flatmate how cool it is that friends influence each other and I told them about you and how your influence has always been positive. About how you always make me into a better person. You always make me feel confident and invincible because no-one's approval matters. I love you! I listen to Ed Sheran songs and Imagine Dragons and all I can think about is you. I look up to my wall and see pictures of us and the stuff you have made me and I just think, wow, my best friend is beautiful, amazing and great!

I am so glad you're in my life. That things turned out the right way. Imagine if it were the case that we didn't meet? That would be scary. It would be like a whole that would never be able to be filled.

Okay, I am done with all the cheesiness. Bye!

PS, nineteen is so old! Wow. I'm an adult! :P