Tonight was just so messed up and I don't even know. 

The day started off really well. I have started to organise my time and think a bit revision and I started a bit of revision. After my lecture, I started drawing and watched Letter's to Juliet, which is absolutely brilliant. 

Then I went to the kitchen and J and one of my other flatmates were there and we talked. I told them I was watching a movie and J got up and asked said we should do something and I was like, yeah, I am going to sleep and he was like, I was going to follow you. Is that alright. I thought, crap. I am supposed to be more firm with him. It's my room and there is no way he is allowed in if I don't want him in. But I failed miserably. I said, sure. Come. Then I spent my time drawing and ignoring him. He told me he felt really happy. 

This evening he went partying. 

And at some point, someone is like, Linda, check the Facebook group and there are messages from him. 'Please help.' 'I'm gonna die.' Stuff like that. He wasn't at uni so we told him to come back and he was like, no, because he didn't want us to call security again. He proceeds to say stuff about how he will die tonight and how he will take his own life. I run to call Alicia. I'd lost my phone and we needed to call our subwarden asap. Crowded around her door were half the flat, all scared for his life. 

I called him and tried to get him to stay on the phone with me. It was awful Bob. It really was. Becausse he's saying stuff like, going to kill myself then swearing at me and telling me of course he's not going to do anything because he's scared and obviously he would have done something already. (I.e. talking to me like stop being stupid Linda). He was telling me no body loved him. That all just found him a burden and that everyone will treat him weirdly when he returns and that he's a mess and there is no getting back.  Then he's getting angry at me for calling. Sort of inferring I should piss off and then apologising. He was just so aggressive and mean and he was a mess. Half the flat just could not sleep because they were worried about him. Then, after a while. he's like, it's okay guys. Sort of brushing it off like it is a joke or not a problem and he sends us a picture of him smoking on the group chat. 

And I don't know how to feel. 

I was pissed at him. I was pissed at myself. I felt confused. Annoyed. I just wanted to punch something. 

I don't know. I can't do this. I refuse to live with him next year.