Hello, 

I absolutely love mornings. 

At the beginning of term two, my eating patterns got really bad and so I went to a mental health drop-in session. I was nervous at first, but the lady was very nice. She laughed a lot and she smiled. So, yeah. That was alright and she gave me links for self-help stuff. I looked briefly at it but didn't use them because one said 'eating disorder' help booklet and I thought, I am fine. Perfectly fine! 

There is a point, I promise. I am getting to it. 

I ended up going to counselling and I had two sessions and each time I felt bad because I thought I was wasting the lady's time. My last appointment was last week Tuesday and the lady was like I could book another appointment or finish there and I opted for somewhere in the middle. Not booking another appointment, but seeing how things goes and calling up if I feel I need to. 

I have started to think about it. Last term wasn't great. I didn't feel like myself. Like, I wasn't the sort of happy person I usually am. I was tired and confused.

I feel like, with all the counselling, I was focusing on negatives. I was focusing on what has went wrong and those thoughts permeated into everyday, so in a way I was sort of trapped in the past for a lot of last term. Then, there is the who J situation when I just felt like shit, because I was letting him down, but if I am honest, he wasn't my responsibility and he put so much on me even though professional help was avaliable. Then, there is my mum going to Nigeria and having to pop home and look after people. So, yeah. I was focusing on the negatives and what didn't help was that when I talked to people (i.e counselling and my personal tutor), they looked at me like, that is so sad. Like, they could see right through me and like it was okay to not be happy. Because then it sort of made it okay for me not to be alright, if that makes sense. 

So, yeah. My point is, I spent so much time focusing on negatives. 

I realised this when Hayat emailed me and asked me to state good things that had happened and though many good things have happened, I couldn't think about any.

And so, I decided that I'd write a list of positive things that have happened this term. Recently, it has been helping.

Because, okay, fine, life may suck sometimes, but there are great things and the happy times has always been my pillow when stuff gets hard. The simple happy moments of every day are what I am living for. It is what makes all the crap feel worth it. 

And yesterday,  I looked back at the links that the lady gave me and there is this positive psychology practise link which I will use. 

I've decided that I will try be kinder to myself. That I want to reach a place where I love myself unconditionally. Because then, eating too much or too little, and gaining and losing weight won't matter. Then, I won't believe that I should take shit from people. Then, I will put myself first. 

And ending with a quote I saw in a book many years ago: When I love myself enough, I learnt to care about my own needs and not call it selfish. 

By the way, a certain person is not talking to me because we kicked him out of the contract. 

Basically, Friday evening was not good at all. 

He posted that he was dying on the accommodation and went on staying stuff like that. Half the flat had seen and were stood in the corridor like what the f? I was on the phone with him - as he wasn't on campus - frantically trying to find out where he was. We'd called security and the residential life tutor and they were trying to track him down and enter his room. 

He was really horrible. I get that he was drunk and suicidal but like, he sort of just took it out on me, saying mean stuff and talking to me like I was stupid and like, shut up Linda. He was telling me that no one loved him and that I was just saying the 'right' things and I didn't actually believe it. 

And I felt like absolute shit. This is bad. I know it is, but we were hoping that the university withdrawals him because he's obviously not in a good state to study if every other week, he's going to message someone saying he's suicidal. Especially considering that we told him that it has a bad impact on people and it's only encouraged him. They were on the verge of considering it because he sent messages of this nature to two more flatmates the weeks earlier and now they were like, he's sort of crossed the line because instead of endangering the mental health of two people, it was now four. (Yes, because two people is most definitely fine!) 

Luckily on the night, we had lot of support from each other. A was like, let's do something fun, so we proceeded to make banana bread as a group and stayed up really late. 

He came back during that and acted like nothing happened. He came into the kitchen and I offered him banana bread and he threw it in the bin and stormed out - presumably, as he wasn't getting much attention from us. None of us knew what to do If we should ask him if he is okay or leave him be so we all pretended that the heavy tension in the air wasn't there.

The next day was better. I made jallof rice nd chicken for my flat mates someone else made french toast and someone else made cake and we shared it all together. We played games on until the night and pretended that nothing happened the day before. We tried to integrate J, bur he ate our food and didn't join the games.

The next day, we talked to our subwarden and told her how we should go about leaving the contract and after the meeting, we told him. We said living with him just isn't a possibility and that it is not a healthy living situation and he agreed to leave the contract but he was hurt and asked us why we didn't tell him we were considering leaving because he would have fixed up.

He's not talking to us now. Feel like shit, but this is potentially the best decision i have made recently, so short term feeling like shit is better than having a shitty year next year because of living with him. 

Tonight was just so messed up and I don't even know. 

The day started off really well. I have started to organise my time and think a bit revision and I started a bit of revision. After my lecture, I started drawing and watched Letter's to Juliet, which is absolutely brilliant. 

Then I went to the kitchen and J and one of my other flatmates were there and we talked. I told them I was watching a movie and J got up and asked said we should do something and I was like, yeah, I am going to sleep and he was like, I was going to follow you. Is that alright. I thought, crap. I am supposed to be more firm with him. It's my room and there is no way he is allowed in if I don't want him in. But I failed miserably. I said, sure. Come. Then I spent my time drawing and ignoring him. He told me he felt really happy. 

This evening he went partying. 

And at some point, someone is like, Linda, check the Facebook group and there are messages from him. 'Please help.' 'I'm gonna die.' Stuff like that. He wasn't at uni so we told him to come back and he was like, no, because he didn't want us to call security again. He proceeds to say stuff about how he will die tonight and how he will take his own life. I run to call Alicia. I'd lost my phone and we needed to call our subwarden asap. Crowded around her door were half the flat, all scared for his life. 

I called him and tried to get him to stay on the phone with me. It was awful Bob. It really was. Becausse he's saying stuff like, going to kill myself then swearing at me and telling me of course he's not going to do anything because he's scared and obviously he would have done something already. (I.e. talking to me like stop being stupid Linda). He was telling me no body loved him. That all just found him a burden and that everyone will treat him weirdly when he returns and that he's a mess and there is no getting back.  Then he's getting angry at me for calling. Sort of inferring I should piss off and then apologising. He was just so aggressive and mean and he was a mess. Half the flat just could not sleep because they were worried about him. Then, after a while. he's like, it's okay guys. Sort of brushing it off like it is a joke or not a problem and he sends us a picture of him smoking on the group chat. 

And I don't know how to feel. 

I was pissed at him. I was pissed at myself. I felt confused. Annoyed. I just wanted to punch something. 

I don't know. I can't do this. I refuse to live with him next year. 

Hey, well today was the first time I ever fainted. It was... interesting.

I was coming back from Alicia's room and I reached my door and shut my left baby finger on the door.

I was like, "shit" and Marianna heard and took me to her kitchen to put ice on my finger.

I became really dizzy and thought, I need to make it back up to my room so I told them I was fine and attempted to leave.

Then THUD! Or, what I assumed happened. I completely zoned out and then, I found myself on the floor and was like wtf.

My flatmates were really lovely trying to make sure I was okay and so I am going to get them chocolate tomorrow.

It wasn't even a bad experience, persay. My finger hurts - yes - but we joked around a lot. Like, I was on the floor and they were asking how is life and i was like yeah good. And they were all telling me their faint stories and I was happy that it's my left finger and not my right because I can right. So yeah, they're positives in everything.

In fact, I'm feeling happier than I have most of the day. So yeah. I guess sometimes, when something not so great happens, it reminds you that you have people who will care about you. And also that things could be worse, so yeah, I'm happy.