Wednesday, 28 October 2015
Depression
I decided that I would write a post on depression.
Why?
Well you are going to have to read to find out, I guess.
Before half term a college friend and I realised that we were drifting apart and so decided to go to McDonald's before lunch. She revealed to me that she had experienced depression. The worst thing about it wasn't that she felt like crap but that her parents were sort of ashamed. Sort of like, look at our only child; she was supposed to be normal and perfect and we have broken pieces.
A few weeks ago, one of my best friends told me about a conversion she overheard - not about depression, but about mental illness. The people she overheard called a teenage girl experiencing a mental illness as an attention seeker.
Now the other day, what happened is that the senior mentor for my team, a guy called Tarzan, told us we had to give a speech on what we would change in the world. I went for the education system. Yes, me the girl who thrives through education. I went on about how it does not prepare us for real world and the example I gave was that we are made aware that there is something called depression. However, the word is thrown around without any meaning at all because we are not taught how to deal with it, why it may happen and how to actually recognize the symptoms in oneself or others.
I never really thought that my audience was really receptive about what I was saying until today. We will get to that after.
Depression is a really horrible illness. It is an pandemic these days. As common as the common flu. Sure there is less stigma on mental illness. Sure society have let women have votes and slavery has been abolished (in some countries) but that does not mean that there is not more that can be done? I know about the symptoms of depression and how its treated and why it may occur and stuff like this because I read NHS pages and books about it, however, imagine someone whose sort of started to feel depressed not knowing what the hell is happening to them.
What happened today is that my NCS team were introduced to this programme called cafe art where there got homeless people to make and sell their own art. Two of the former homeless guys came and one guy, David, told us about his story that had half the girls crying and the rest of us holding back tears. He owned two businesses then had a stroke and lost everything and ended up taking drugs and getting depression. He tried to commit suicide at least 10 times and now on the sort of other side, he was a photographer, dealing with his depression by drawing and taking pictures. It was inspiring. One girl started crying and revealed that she dealt with depression too and two others had to go outside to get fresh air. Both were so worried and did not want to go to the GP because they thought their parents would look down on them. It was so sad, I was nearly in tears. One had come from Norway and could not adjust to London and had bad anxiety and just wanted to kill herself. The other - the most emotionally stable girl from the outside - was just so broken inside.
The reason why I want to do psychology in Uni is because I would like to be a sort of therapist who helped people through talking cures such as CBT. I also want to understand more about what makes us human. Not just about when something goes wrong but about when things are right. Learning psychology so far has been so revealing even though it is not something to learn for facts but understanding. There was this girl, nickname Pineapple Jam who I thought lied to us. But learning about Psychology, it sort of creates a grey area. I now understand that memory may not be accurate and that what people ask may influence the response. Now, I look back and think well I do not know what was fact anymore. I do not know what to think or what she was supposedly thinking. And do you know what? I love that. The curiosity, the grey areas and questions that are inherent in Psychology. A subject where I never need stop asking or trying to understand.
If you want to find out more about the way that depression or any other mental illness is diagnosed look at the latest DSM.
All I know is that I will henceforth be skeptical of stability.
Why?
Well you are going to have to read to find out, I guess.
Before half term a college friend and I realised that we were drifting apart and so decided to go to McDonald's before lunch. She revealed to me that she had experienced depression. The worst thing about it wasn't that she felt like crap but that her parents were sort of ashamed. Sort of like, look at our only child; she was supposed to be normal and perfect and we have broken pieces.
A few weeks ago, one of my best friends told me about a conversion she overheard - not about depression, but about mental illness. The people she overheard called a teenage girl experiencing a mental illness as an attention seeker.
Now the other day, what happened is that the senior mentor for my team, a guy called Tarzan, told us we had to give a speech on what we would change in the world. I went for the education system. Yes, me the girl who thrives through education. I went on about how it does not prepare us for real world and the example I gave was that we are made aware that there is something called depression. However, the word is thrown around without any meaning at all because we are not taught how to deal with it, why it may happen and how to actually recognize the symptoms in oneself or others.
I never really thought that my audience was really receptive about what I was saying until today. We will get to that after.
Depression is a really horrible illness. It is an pandemic these days. As common as the common flu. Sure there is less stigma on mental illness. Sure society have let women have votes and slavery has been abolished (in some countries) but that does not mean that there is not more that can be done? I know about the symptoms of depression and how its treated and why it may occur and stuff like this because I read NHS pages and books about it, however, imagine someone whose sort of started to feel depressed not knowing what the hell is happening to them.
What happened today is that my NCS team were introduced to this programme called cafe art where there got homeless people to make and sell their own art. Two of the former homeless guys came and one guy, David, told us about his story that had half the girls crying and the rest of us holding back tears. He owned two businesses then had a stroke and lost everything and ended up taking drugs and getting depression. He tried to commit suicide at least 10 times and now on the sort of other side, he was a photographer, dealing with his depression by drawing and taking pictures. It was inspiring. One girl started crying and revealed that she dealt with depression too and two others had to go outside to get fresh air. Both were so worried and did not want to go to the GP because they thought their parents would look down on them. It was so sad, I was nearly in tears. One had come from Norway and could not adjust to London and had bad anxiety and just wanted to kill herself. The other - the most emotionally stable girl from the outside - was just so broken inside.
The reason why I want to do psychology in Uni is because I would like to be a sort of therapist who helped people through talking cures such as CBT. I also want to understand more about what makes us human. Not just about when something goes wrong but about when things are right. Learning psychology so far has been so revealing even though it is not something to learn for facts but understanding. There was this girl, nickname Pineapple Jam who I thought lied to us. But learning about Psychology, it sort of creates a grey area. I now understand that memory may not be accurate and that what people ask may influence the response. Now, I look back and think well I do not know what was fact anymore. I do not know what to think or what she was supposedly thinking. And do you know what? I love that. The curiosity, the grey areas and questions that are inherent in Psychology. A subject where I never need stop asking or trying to understand.
If you want to find out more about the way that depression or any other mental illness is diagnosed look at the latest DSM.
All I know is that I will henceforth be skeptical of stability.
That rain though!!
Guys, guess whose back?
I felt a little poetic. I love poetry and the use of words in sentences. I prefer to write than speak because writing, I cannot stutter unless for effect. Anyway, so her is outside - inspired by the amazing British weather! :)
All you lot who woke up this morning to the sound of rain will get me.
My brother has boosters and I have to do this NCS thing so I have to drag myself out soon.
Outside
the sky is a placid grey
and the sun just hides away;
summer, it's one true love
has since come and gone
and the devastated sun
mourns.
the sky is a placid grey
and the sun just hides away;
summer, it's one true love
has since come and gone
and the devastated sun
mourns.
Out there,
it's raining cats and dogs.
it's raining cats and dogs.
Vigorously, rain attacks my roof,
refusing to relent.
The wind is coloured awfully,
in all directions, blowing ardently.
in all directions, blowing ardently.
Outside, most definitely
is not where I want to be
when the weather is taking out
it's wrath on me.
is not where I want to be
when the weather is taking out
it's wrath on me.
Friday, 16 October 2015
Flash from the past
I went out with Madhvi on Thursday to get breakfast at Ikea which was pretty cool. (She told me that having breakfast there was the highlight of her week). I had fun actually - we were talking about how much life is at the moment. Also about people with their amazing lives broadcasted on YouTube. I do not watch any channels on YouTube but a lot of my friends do and one of them was like watching people with their amazing lives on YouTube makes her feel like she has wasted hers. I guess I just wanted to see if other people who watched YouTube channels felt like that.
Yesterday I saw so many of my old friends and it was good. Like it is weird how friends are fleeting in A2. I mean, in AS it was all about hanging out in the food court after college or during lunch. Last year weekends were filled with hanging out with people. But now, no one has time for each other at all, so when you see them it is like, oh hello stranger. I was really happy yesterday though. I got on the 182 home with with Mahamood and Hasan. I missed them so much! They as well as Vishva and Madhvi were my bus buddies last year. We would joke around, get off to walk sometimes and just have like lots of fun. Now, most of the times, I am just sat on an empty 182 at 7:30pm reading my biology book. Unfortunately, we got in a really packed bus so I could not really interact with them on the bus properly, but we got off and walked for a bit.
Yesterday I saw so many of my old friends and it was good. Like it is weird how friends are fleeting in A2. I mean, in AS it was all about hanging out in the food court after college or during lunch. Last year weekends were filled with hanging out with people. But now, no one has time for each other at all, so when you see them it is like, oh hello stranger. I was really happy yesterday though. I got on the 182 home with with Mahamood and Hasan. I missed them so much! They as well as Vishva and Madhvi were my bus buddies last year. We would joke around, get off to walk sometimes and just have like lots of fun. Now, most of the times, I am just sat on an empty 182 at 7:30pm reading my biology book. Unfortunately, we got in a really packed bus so I could not really interact with them on the bus properly, but we got off and walked for a bit.
Friday, 9 October 2015
Just an update, sort of, I guess
I have got an offer from Warwick already. Like that feels so good. No interview stress. Just get AAB and you are in. :)
One down, four to go.
I walked home today with Madhvi and Zeinab and it was quite cool actually. Though I think I am having a bad effect on Madhvi at the moment. Like I am just constantly badgering at her about college work. I think she feels like whenever she sees me it is all about discussing work :( I am trying to sort of motivate her - to try and convince her that she will not get into a bad uni if she tries but whenever I talk to people these days about how they should not worry too much about uni, I feel like they look at me like, you have got all your crap sorted. You have good AS and GCSE's and you are smart and will get into any uni you want. I especially hate when people say this, but they are like, you are going to get into Oxford and then some people berate themselves like, I am an idiot. I dislike how people are sort of like implying that I am better or smarter or intelligent than them. Because I am not. I am good academically. I study and revise every day. I like the struggle and challenge. Other people may not. We all have different abilities and qualities. Madhvi is pretty funny. Agata is creative as hell and Zeinab is good when it comes to arguing. Amelia is the sort of person who will get along with anyone and Evelin is so preserve. All of these qualities that matter. Like that will carry these people through life, making them stand out compared to others. But I fear that these qualities go emphasized and unnoticed.
Comparison is indeed the thief of joy.
People need a lot more self confidence and self esteem - yes, we are in the face of uncertainty, but it is not impossible to retain a positive view about oneself.
I was worrying about myself recently. Last week I pulled an all nighter and it did not even have an affect on me. I have been getting 7 hours of sleep and it has not really had an affect. Yes, all you sleep deprived, functioning on three hours a night people out there are probably thinking STFU! But my sort of point is, my sleeping pattern has sort of changed and I am getting less sleep than I am used to. Shouldn't I feel affected? I am mostly sort of thinking, because everyone else in the world - it seems - is so sober and upset and down. Like the depression rates must really spike for people applying for Uni. One of my friends cried in front of a teacher. Too many are calling themselves pieces of s*** and thinking they will not get into a good uni. People are just walking around, half zombies. Most other people are crumbling and that, I guess, is an understandable response. But then there is me. Like I have been happy recently - too happy for me not to doubt that there is something bubbling up in me waiting to explode. In Chemistry the other lesson, all you could hear was me. Literally laughing at everything. I am not even exaggerating. I was just laughing. And talking. I literally talked to every single person in that class. I was so loud and hyper. I literally went round and hugged everyone twice. I find that a bit worrying. I am being myself, yes, but I mean, like it was literally like I was on something, only I wasn't.
I think perhaps I am feeling stressed but I am thinking, shut up and be optimistic. But then, I do not actually feel stressed at all. I have an Oxford admissions test and I am thinking, I have like 3 weeks and that is a lot of time and I am capable. When normally, like with exams, 6 weeks before it, I would be so panicky, like OMG I am going to fail.
I thought perhaps I might be secretly upset and overcompensating by expressing extreme happiness, like I used to do. However, it does not feel like that much. I mean, I am genuinely, I think in a good place in life. I feel like I have let go all the negative of the past. As if I have moved on. I feel empowered. Like I can tackle anything in my path. How can I be feeling upset among that? Like I actually feel confident. I actually feel found - not lost in the wilderness somewhere.
One down, four to go.
I walked home today with Madhvi and Zeinab and it was quite cool actually. Though I think I am having a bad effect on Madhvi at the moment. Like I am just constantly badgering at her about college work. I think she feels like whenever she sees me it is all about discussing work :( I am trying to sort of motivate her - to try and convince her that she will not get into a bad uni if she tries but whenever I talk to people these days about how they should not worry too much about uni, I feel like they look at me like, you have got all your crap sorted. You have good AS and GCSE's and you are smart and will get into any uni you want. I especially hate when people say this, but they are like, you are going to get into Oxford and then some people berate themselves like, I am an idiot. I dislike how people are sort of like implying that I am better or smarter or intelligent than them. Because I am not. I am good academically. I study and revise every day. I like the struggle and challenge. Other people may not. We all have different abilities and qualities. Madhvi is pretty funny. Agata is creative as hell and Zeinab is good when it comes to arguing. Amelia is the sort of person who will get along with anyone and Evelin is so preserve. All of these qualities that matter. Like that will carry these people through life, making them stand out compared to others. But I fear that these qualities go emphasized and unnoticed.
Comparison is indeed the thief of joy.
People need a lot more self confidence and self esteem - yes, we are in the face of uncertainty, but it is not impossible to retain a positive view about oneself.
I was worrying about myself recently. Last week I pulled an all nighter and it did not even have an affect on me. I have been getting 7 hours of sleep and it has not really had an affect. Yes, all you sleep deprived, functioning on three hours a night people out there are probably thinking STFU! But my sort of point is, my sleeping pattern has sort of changed and I am getting less sleep than I am used to. Shouldn't I feel affected? I am mostly sort of thinking, because everyone else in the world - it seems - is so sober and upset and down. Like the depression rates must really spike for people applying for Uni. One of my friends cried in front of a teacher. Too many are calling themselves pieces of s*** and thinking they will not get into a good uni. People are just walking around, half zombies. Most other people are crumbling and that, I guess, is an understandable response. But then there is me. Like I have been happy recently - too happy for me not to doubt that there is something bubbling up in me waiting to explode. In Chemistry the other lesson, all you could hear was me. Literally laughing at everything. I am not even exaggerating. I was just laughing. And talking. I literally talked to every single person in that class. I was so loud and hyper. I literally went round and hugged everyone twice. I find that a bit worrying. I am being myself, yes, but I mean, like it was literally like I was on something, only I wasn't.
I think perhaps I am feeling stressed but I am thinking, shut up and be optimistic. But then, I do not actually feel stressed at all. I have an Oxford admissions test and I am thinking, I have like 3 weeks and that is a lot of time and I am capable. When normally, like with exams, 6 weeks before it, I would be so panicky, like OMG I am going to fail.
I thought perhaps I might be secretly upset and overcompensating by expressing extreme happiness, like I used to do. However, it does not feel like that much. I mean, I am genuinely, I think in a good place in life. I feel like I have let go all the negative of the past. As if I have moved on. I feel empowered. Like I can tackle anything in my path. How can I be feeling upset among that? Like I actually feel confident. I actually feel found - not lost in the wilderness somewhere.
I wish it would be Christmas
I am looking forward to Christmas.
I love giving Christmas cards. :)
I cannot wait to make all the decisions.
What wrapping paper to buy.
What Christmas cards.
What to get as presents.
Then there is the Christmas episode of Doctor Who. And River Song will be in it. :)
And this year, I feel will be a revolution.
I will make sure my family spends time together. :)
I love giving Christmas cards. :)
I cannot wait to make all the decisions.
What wrapping paper to buy.
What Christmas cards.
What to get as presents.
Then there is the Christmas episode of Doctor Who. And River Song will be in it. :)
And this year, I feel will be a revolution.
I will make sure my family spends time together. :)
Friday, 2 October 2015
#shoutouts
I decided to make a post, just telling you about my friends / people who I love / people who inspire me / people who make me happy. It is not exhaustive.
I have known Evelin a year and a bit now and I love her especially as I can see a bit of myself in her. She is so kind and hard working. She is either studying or working, and how she makes time to be their for others, is just beyond my comprehension.
I have known Amelia for that amount of time too. And she is just simply awesome. I don't know how else to put it. When I first met her at the bus stop, I was sort of hesitant. Thinking, she's Agata's friend. Has no reason to talk or interact with me. However, she is just the sort of person who just gets along with people.
Lamis is literally the most smartest person I know. And hard working. She was in my English and from class in year 11 and at first, I just sort of talked to her sometimes. But near the end of the year, we grew closer. We meet up once every week and walk into Wembley together.
I loved Umi. She was literally like my soul sister. Annoying at times, but I loved her laugh and weirdness. She would always draw teddy bears on my books and obsess over ice cream.
Nadia, I will never ever forget. There are good people out there and she is one of them. She stuck up for me when I was being bullied in year 7. Like I did not feel as if I was worth anything. As if I deserved to be treated well.
Hayat literally fell of the face of the earth. I did not know her too long at all. She was new in Chemistry, and I turned around to talk to her. Like the first time I talked to her, I could tell that she was literally perfect. (Loved Doctor Who, Florence + the Machine as well). And like I could just sort of talk to her. But now she is gone and I do not know where but I won't forget our brief friendship because she inspired me.
I just met Lima 3 weeks ago but I already love her.
I have two Victoria's in my life. Victoria A is awesome. Victoria N can get a bit annoying at times. However, she always has an interesting anecdote.
Mike inspires me so much. Like he just has a sort of way of encouraging me. I was talking to a girl who said Mike was like sort of sceptical about her doing medicine and I told her maybe he just wanted her to be a bit realistic. Then I sort of realised, that with me, he is always trying to push me that extra mile. When he enrolled me, he suggested I do 5 AS's - said I needed to be challenged. After AS he suggested I keep all 4 A levels. I am the only ever person he predicted an A* in Psychology. I am scared. I find Mike, just so cool. Like the way he talks. He knows something about everything and always had an interesting anecdote up his sleeves. He plays opera and classical music and is inventive about education us. More adults and teachers should be like him.
In College, the careers advisor is very nice to me. She arranged me work experience in a hospital and did not get disappointed when I told her I did not want to do medicine, even though she bothered her daughter to arrange it for me.
I quite like Wendy. She is a librarian in Wembley Library and just by the way she walks, you can tell she is a nice person. She is really really nice to me. :)
A lot of my high school teachers were supportive and inspiring. There was Mrs Alawiye, who scared me at first, but she did care. There was Ms O'sullivan. In a class once, I felt like crap and she stopped the class and told them that they should not think that enthusiastic people are crazy and that she loved me because I was enthusiastic. There was Mrs Hamdoun and Mrs Saeed, I can never forget. They both were there for me when things got tough. Mrs Hamdoun had a massive plant in her office. She let me sit there sometimes. At first I found her weird, but soon I learnt that she was just really nice. Mrs Saeed, was more like a friend, if I am honest. I would just be in her class sometimes, talking to her about random stuff.
I love my family. I really do. Especially my brother. We did not get on well when we were younger. Then one day, he called me cold and that changed everything and I became a proper sister. He is stereotyped as the typical black boy and he takes a lot of crap from my mother. He is very aggressive as well. However, I think there is a lot of goodness in that boy. There is a whole lot of stuff that people do not see. He did a week volunteering at a food kitchen and he liked it there so much that he goes there after schools. It's so cute. I love my sisters. Joy is the fierce, take no nonsense one. Tobi is the weird, quirky one. Busayo is my princess. My parents are amazing. My mum shouts a lot but she is cuddly and I love her. My dad is very funny. My family is dysfunctional, however, I would no have it any other way.
For all the people, who have ever wondered why I talk so much. Why I turn around in class if there is a new kid and introduce myself. Why I make sure I have talked to pretty much everyone in my classes.
I like that everyone else is unique and different from everyone else. I like learning about people's experiences. I find that quite inspiring. A lot of my friends have been bullied. A few have been diagnosed with mental health issues. All have been through tough times. Seeing a person in there highs and lows, for their perfections and their flaws. I like that. I like how everyone has a story to tell and I want to listen to as many of these stories as possible.
And I want to tell mine to anyone who will listen. I realised that talking about emotions and feelings has really made a difference in my life.
There are amazing people everywhere. We just have to look. :)
All Nighter
Morning world, I just pulled an all nighter.
I could not go to sleep at all.
I was just so happy. It is so weird. I do not even feel tired.
Normally, if I get 7 hours of sleep instead of 8, I cannot function.
Anyway, I will see how today goes.
I feel so happy it's ridiculous.
I just want the day to hurry up so I can tell the world how much I love it. So I can hug my friends and see their lovely faces.
These past few days I have been at peace with myself.
My mother sent me baby pictures and looking at them, I thought, I was so cute. And also, look how much I have grown and changed for the better.
I remember year 11. I was just so lost and hollow. I never thought it would end.
Now I am at the other side. I am stronger, confident and empowered. Realising that has just made me feel so happy. And also, seeing how much support I have. It is just wow. I have never ever ever ever been alone. The power of friendship has been so wow.
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