Purple is a nice colour by the way

I am confused and sort of lost and I do not know what to do. 

I am really just sort of out of my depths here. It's ridiculous. Only two weeks in so far. 

I was complaining about how long the holiday was and how I just want to go back to College. 

Now I want to go hide in that long summer and wish wish wish that it never leave me.

In fact, I want to go back Copland. Hide in Mrs Hamdoun's office under her potted plant. 

I want to go back to before I was in year 7 and before it all got difficult. 

There was one summer. I discovered that there was a library 5 minutes away from my house.

I found this book about the British Monarchy. 

It was so cool. I became immersed in it and decided to make a British monarchy project. 

I printed out little pictures of all the Kings and Queens and learnt about their history.

Whether their public liked them. What house they belonged to. How long was their reign. 

At the time, it absorbed most of my time. I used to go library to search up about them. 

I was just a little not social kid who no one needed to be proud of.

No one needed to care or no one interfered or told me what to studies. 

I want to go back to those days and hide. I want to be that kid again. 

People say that the human race learns the hard way. 

I think that is true. Well partially. 

I think I am learning the hard way not to please people and to have a voice.

However, part of me is learning nothing at all. If that makes sense.

No one ever asked me what I wanted to do. Or even considered it at all. That spineless Olugbemi would actually not want to please.

I was talking to my mum today who told me that my father was disappointed in me. 

Well he was bound to. 

But then he is telling her that I promised I would go into Medicine. 

My mother told me that there is an adage in Nigeria.

Do not smell the food if you do not want to eat it. 

I smelt the food not to gain an idea (initially) but just to please my father. 

I got GP work experience. I got hospital work experience. I did the UKCAT. 

I thought if I told him after I did not want to do Medicine, he would think, at least you considered it. 

But guys, I am not as spineless as I make out and I do use my voice sometimes.

Because I DID tell him I did not want to do Medicine. He asked me during AS', near the beginning. 

And I said I wanted to do Psychology or Biochemistry and he looked at me like I was an idiot and basically told me to shut up.

He, like some many other people think that not going into medicine is a waste of my 1) Intelligence  ( apparently I am intelligent :P) 2) Grades and 3) life. 

I did hesitate. He saw the hesitation and ignored it.

Projected his own dreams on to me.

Children are not clay. You cannot mould them. 

It's awful. Thinking about it. I am the girl who just tries to please people. 

Right. I just do not want people to be disappointed in me. 

Okay. That scares me a bit. 

And here is a situation where it cannot be avoided.

And I feel like shit about that.
Okay. Right. People tell me not to let applying for Uni get me so stressed and doubtful.

But I mean, my parents will not support me and at home everything is so tense and according to my mum, my dad is stealing every opportunity to talk about how much of a disappointment I am. 

Then there is College. I am scared. It is getting so intense. 

The work load. 

I do not think I can do it. 

I submitted my UCAS today.

I should not have applied for Oxford. It is too much at the moment. There is the TSA in November and interviews in December and I need to read up and make sure I am getting those A's and A*'s in my mocks and I just do not think I can do it.