The other day a girl asked me, if I have ever liked a boy before.

I felt a bit sort of offended. Like she was not asking if I was a lesbian. 

She under the assumption that if I liked anything, I would like guys. 

She was asking me if I got crushes. If I actually noticed things such as how good looking a guy/ girl is. If I had a sexual orientation.

I do by the way. Just because I do not go like, 'Oh, he is so good looking' does not mean I do not like guys.

I just more find guys who treat a person right attractive.

You could have a very good looking guy who was inconsiderate - that is not appealing to me.

I'd rather decide whether a person is attractive ore not by getting to know them as a person. 

I was thinking about it today. 

I would have thought that having crushes and those awkward feelings of attraction is hardwired in humans. Unfortunately. 

Purple is a nice colour by the way

I am confused and sort of lost and I do not know what to do. 

I am really just sort of out of my depths here. It's ridiculous. Only two weeks in so far. 

I was complaining about how long the holiday was and how I just want to go back to College. 

Now I want to go hide in that long summer and wish wish wish that it never leave me.

In fact, I want to go back Copland. Hide in Mrs Hamdoun's office under her potted plant. 

I want to go back to before I was in year 7 and before it all got difficult. 

There was one summer. I discovered that there was a library 5 minutes away from my house.

I found this book about the British Monarchy. 

It was so cool. I became immersed in it and decided to make a British monarchy project. 

I printed out little pictures of all the Kings and Queens and learnt about their history.

Whether their public liked them. What house they belonged to. How long was their reign. 

At the time, it absorbed most of my time. I used to go library to search up about them. 

I was just a little not social kid who no one needed to be proud of.

No one needed to care or no one interfered or told me what to studies. 

I want to go back to those days and hide. I want to be that kid again. 

People say that the human race learns the hard way. 

I think that is true. Well partially. 

I think I am learning the hard way not to please people and to have a voice.

However, part of me is learning nothing at all. If that makes sense.

No one ever asked me what I wanted to do. Or even considered it at all. That spineless Olugbemi would actually not want to please.

I was talking to my mum today who told me that my father was disappointed in me. 

Well he was bound to. 

But then he is telling her that I promised I would go into Medicine. 

My mother told me that there is an adage in Nigeria.

Do not smell the food if you do not want to eat it. 

I smelt the food not to gain an idea (initially) but just to please my father. 

I got GP work experience. I got hospital work experience. I did the UKCAT. 

I thought if I told him after I did not want to do Medicine, he would think, at least you considered it. 

But guys, I am not as spineless as I make out and I do use my voice sometimes.

Because I DID tell him I did not want to do Medicine. He asked me during AS', near the beginning. 

And I said I wanted to do Psychology or Biochemistry and he looked at me like I was an idiot and basically told me to shut up.

He, like some many other people think that not going into medicine is a waste of my 1) Intelligence  ( apparently I am intelligent :P) 2) Grades and 3) life. 

I did hesitate. He saw the hesitation and ignored it.

Projected his own dreams on to me.

Children are not clay. You cannot mould them. 

It's awful. Thinking about it. I am the girl who just tries to please people. 

Right. I just do not want people to be disappointed in me. 

Okay. That scares me a bit. 

And here is a situation where it cannot be avoided.

And I feel like shit about that.
Okay. Right. People tell me not to let applying for Uni get me so stressed and doubtful.

But I mean, my parents will not support me and at home everything is so tense and according to my mum, my dad is stealing every opportunity to talk about how much of a disappointment I am. 

Then there is College. I am scared. It is getting so intense. 

The work load. 

I do not think I can do it. 

I submitted my UCAS today.

I should not have applied for Oxford. It is too much at the moment. There is the TSA in November and interviews in December and I need to read up and make sure I am getting those A's and A*'s in my mocks and I just do not think I can do it. 

The Cat

Today, on my walk back home, I saw a black and white cat.

I meowed at the cat and it meowed back and approached me. It started to walk around me - it's fur brushing my legs. 

I was worried that the cat would decide that I am its enemy and that it would abruptly scratch me or bite me, but upon stroking the cat, he/she walked around my legs again. 

I am starting to think that I have got cats wrong - yes, their eyes are usually evil looking, but that doesn't mean that cats are evil. 

First impressions are sometimes, spot on. However, sometimes, they are not. I will try bear that in mind.   

Hulllloooooo

Here are some pictures because I feel like it. 

 I was careful not to add many with other people in it. 

Firstly as this blog is about amazing me

Secondly, some people would not like the idea of their lovely faces on my blog.

This was during the summer. I went to Northala fields's with Victoria and Nansi. It was a cool day. Some random lady came up to us and told us to put our feet in the water.

I went on the Paralympic trip in year 10. Accompanied by my sister and brother - it was literally a Moronfolu outing.  (The good old days when Copland was not presently known as Ark Elvin!) 

The first ever picture that Agata and I took together. In year 9 (or 10?) , before the Emirates trip. It was just after I realised I lost a book at Tesco :( These were the days when we would fuss so much about what to wear on non school uniform days.  

:) Agata and I in Perivale. Zeinab was there too. They probably forgot why we went Perivale. It was because being an idiot, Tobi had left her bag in Church. Us being heroes were rescuing it for her.

This was after the City of London Opening day. Me, Madhvi and Nikita ended up in Southbank. I joked about going in and Madhvi took me seriously so I thought, why the hell no? (To which, logic would have answered, no towels or spare clothes). 

I like this picture of me. It is in my now second home, Wembley Library. My second home used to be Copland, but now it is a shadow of its former self, so I will have to make do. 

 In Copland, there was 11LH literally became like a family near the end. Also I was in my form room all the time. And in Mrs Hamdoun's small office with her large plant. And Mrs O'sullivan's cosy bigger office. :) I want an office when I am older. So I can hide away and sit on the floor. In Wembley Library, I am just so familiar with the place. And the place is familiar with me.

Valentine's day heart dissection. :) I will never get over that irony. 

I used to get bored and draw over my ID card with inky pens. I can distinctively remember doing this in year 9 in one of Mrs Punjwani's history lessons. (She did a Sociology degree and said she had not learnt History since she was about year 9 age.)

I climbed a tree, okay? I do not just sit at home and revise. 

Joy said I looked cute. :) This was a couple weeks back. 

London Zoo trip. I saw this from a far and was like cool. I love carousels! I did not take many pictures at the Zoo - Evelin and Alex said they would send me theirs ( which the never). We spent so long in the aquarium because they took a picture - well pictures - of every fish they saw. Videos too. I got to see the penguins and the butterflies.  We had a hypnosis session which was pretty cool. They guy was trying to say that hypnosis can help people get over fear of spiders. It was a great feeling. The guy was like, you will feel relaxed and I was thinking, I am feeling relaxed. 

These are a few of my masterpieces. Raising money for RSPCA. I decided that we would make handmade Valentines day cards that were addressed to oneself or to friends. 

I built a wooden sawn... well I followed the instructions and then I decorated it. I find this a milestone. I have difficulty buying stuff for myself. As stuff I want. If that make sense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9334605/1/Five-Times-The-Doctor-Mentioned-River-Song

Autumn warmth

Yesterday the weather was beautiful so I thought that I should not waste it.

So I went to Northala field and when I got to the top of the hill, I sat down and read. 

I read all day yesterday outside.

It was a good day. 

Really peaceful.

Today

I totally get that feeling of wanting to be alone then feeling lonely when you are alone.

That was today actually.

So at break I called my mum to say hello.

And she said she was happy I did not forget her.

And I almost started crying.

And for the whole day, I was thinking, I want to go home and hug my mum.

Empowered

Okay guys.

Today, I was feeling a bit stressed. Like OMG, I am already falling behind of studying and I felt like crap all day. Then I though, screw, it, I will not apply to Oxbrigde. Too much hassle. Then I thought, do I even know what I want to do?  Do I even want to go Uni? Then, I thought about it. It is my decision. I will make it wrong sometimes, just like there will always be casualties and just like I will always make mistakes.

Drifters

People just disappear of the face of the earth. 

I miss so many people, it's ridiculous.

I heard this quote on Merlin. 

"What will I do without you?" 

"You will remember me."

It is funny. There are more people I remember

than people who are physically present in my life anymore.

Do we just live to remember ghosts? 

So many people

I am officially back in College.

I was talking to Agata and she was like, she feels as if she has not had lost of time to herself because even on holiday, she was always with Pawel.

I am totally getting that feeling.

In the holiday, I was like, I must not isolate myself. I must not spend all my time studying. I must go places that I want to. So I did.

However, now, back in College, I am feeling, crap, all I want to do is be by myself. I love being around my friends and talking to them. I meet up with Lamis to walk with her to Wembley and with Agata and Amelia and sometimes Zeinab in the mornings. However, sometimes, I feel like, I just sort of need to be alone.

At breaks, since returning, I have sort of left my friends to wonder around College, but it is not an easy task, when everyone knows you. Some people such as Zeinab's friends feel the need to include me and when I tried to leave, the were sort of like, why are you going?

Home time is the worst. The day has left me worn out and I have to get on the 182, which is incredibly demoralizing. Yesterday I went home with Agata and Amelia and then we got off. I saw my friend's brother and said hello, but he started a conversation with me and sat next to me on the bus. I decided, no, I am not having this! So I got off the bus. I got on another and spotted someone I knew on top deck before entering, so I was about to pretend to call someone, then I saw Idil on the bottom deck.

Today, I got on the 182 with Zeinab. Then out of nowhere, June and Madvhi come on the bus. Then this girl Naomi, Zeinab and June knows from NCS come on.