Recently, my relationship with food has been getting a lot better.
When I came home from University, I struggled. I was restricting calories during the day. Around the afternoon, I would start to experience headaches and tiredness. Then around the evening, I'd start to think a lot about food. What I can't eat. What I want to binge on. How many calories I have eaten. How much weight I have gained or lost. How many calories I have lost through exercise. I usually keep busy during the day but when I come home in the evening, I'd see lots of food in the kitchen and before I realize, I am bingeing. I'd feel super guilty - how many calories did I just eat?! - and worry that I had put on weight and I'd be so angry at myself. I would feel like I have wasted an entire day trying to be good and trying to not eat enough. I then pinch and bite myself because I am so annoyed, exercise to try and counteract what I have done and then plan the next day. What I will eat, and what I will do so that I avoid bingeing. But I can't. See the thing is, I am depriving myself of energy and nutrients. Bingeing is a way of compensating. So, it becomes a very cycle.
Things, however, have got better recently.
I reached a very bad place the other week.
I restricted calories very low and I ended up bingeing on more food that I have ever done in ages and I felt so bad. The thing that made it very bad was that I was aware of how distorted my thoughts were. I was close to tears and I was thinking, I wish I could purge because that would feel better. I was also so angry and I just wanted to hurt myself. This scared the hell out of me because even though they were just thoughts I'd wouldn't act on, I couldn't help but think about how in December, all I wanted to do was just 'eat a bit less.' In May, I felt so bad for eating a lot and ended up restricting calories so low I thought I might faint and I restricted calories on the day of the exam which meant I could not concentrate. My point is, it scared me because this isn't something I can predict. If that makes sense. I don't know where I will be in terms of my eating. I may be better. But I may be worse. That scares the hell out of me. I don't want to get worse. I don't want to purge. I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to screw up my health anymore. I don't want to feel the urge to restrict and binge. I just want to eat like a normal person.
I felt really trapped that day. Like I would keep on going in a cycle. Like I would only get worse. Like this is it. And I am NOT saying I am suicidal or anything, but I thought, I really do not want to live like this. I cannot continue like this.
It scared me so much that I think it sort of gave me a reality check. The next day, I attempted to eat properly. It wasn't great because I was allowing myself to eat food, all I could think was food, food, food and I ended up over-eating even though I was not that hungry.
Shortly after that, I was going through my food journal. I write what I eat, when, calories, how I feel and any thing else that is relevant. Written down, I kind of realize that as much as my eating is a cycle (of restricting and bingeing) that there were days where I was fine. As much as certain things could trigger me, there were things that buffered me as well. I also saw that I was miserable really. Restricting only temporarily felt good until I started to feel headaches and bingeing is always awful. So I thought, Okay, I am going to try chose a happier way. I am going to try not feel bad.
Long story short, recently, for like the past four days, I have been able to eat. I start of the day restricting calories, but then around mid-day, I allow myself to eat because it feels silly. It is sort of a compromise. My issues with food are still there i.e. I still have bad foods that I won't touch (any thing that is oily, fatty meat) and I am still counting calories and I have to measure everything I cook so I know the exact amount of calories and I feel uneasy eating foods that I have no idea how many calories are in it. The voice telling me I should feel bad for eating and the voice telling me to restrict calories are still there, but they are quieter.
It sort of makes sense. When I was in counseling Jo (my counselor) told me that my eating problems are the healthiest way for me to deal with life. I laughed. Healthiest? However, it makes sense. Restricting calories during the beginning of term two in a way did help. It helped me manage my anxiety of gaining weight. This may seem stupid but losing weight was a big deal for me and also, I felt pressured to maintain that weight because of everyone's' comments. Also, I know myself. I know that I will say I am fine even when I am crying and I will even convince myself that it is all okay. However, really, I kind of feel like crap and like things are falling apart and focusing on food means that I can still pretend that things are okay. During term three, where I struggled the most, I had too much free time. As in, instead of studying for exams, I decided to rest. I wasn't going out and doing much and it gave me a lot of time to think and I couldn't handle it. I hate not being busy. I have to be doing something, or else, what is the point of life? What is the point of waking up in the morning? I do not want to merely exist and at that time, I felt like that was just what I was doing. Instead, focusing on other things, focusing on calories and food meant that I was occupied. It perhaps was less sad than focusing on the emptiness I felt at the time. Not eating was actually something that felt good, so at some points I was happy.
My point is, as destructive as not eating properly is, I have come to see is as helpful at times. Sometimes, it is a bit of a coping mechanism. However, now, I am in a genuinely good place. I have made so many positive changes since coming home. I am teaching Joy how to cook. I am refusing to do all the cooking and the cleaning. My family is eating healthier. I am allowing time for myself. I am expressing my feelings through drawing. I am occupied. There is meaning to my life. I have accepted the way my relationship is with my mum. I am stronger.
At the moment, I don't need to exert control over my eating. At the moment, I am strong enough to tell this voice to shut up. And I guess, I need to take that. I can't think of where I will be tomorrow or in six months. I just need to accept that today is a good day.
So yeah, here is a picture of rice. I took it because I felt happy. I ate and it felt like magic because I was actually enjoying food instead of thinking of it as calories.
Here is a picture of a light house I drew. I drew it because to me, it kind of symbolizes that I kind of do need help. As in, in the past, I just sort of push problems down and say I am fine. However, a sort of positive from struggling with food is that I kind of have to acknowledge that I do need help. If that makes sense. It made sense to me. I draw a picture every day (or at least aim to) and it feels really nice looking back and thinking, I took something horrible and created something pretty.
This is a tote bag I sewed buttons into to occupy my time on Sunday. It was fun. I felt so at peace and nothing mattered apart from sewing.
Au Revoir!
