Hello, 

I absolutely love mornings. 

At the beginning of term two, my eating patterns got really bad and so I went to a mental health drop-in session. I was nervous at first, but the lady was very nice. She laughed a lot and she smiled. So, yeah. That was alright and she gave me links for self-help stuff. I looked briefly at it but didn't use them because one said 'eating disorder' help booklet and I thought, I am fine. Perfectly fine! 

There is a point, I promise. I am getting to it. 

I ended up going to counselling and I had two sessions and each time I felt bad because I thought I was wasting the lady's time. My last appointment was last week Tuesday and the lady was like I could book another appointment or finish there and I opted for somewhere in the middle. Not booking another appointment, but seeing how things goes and calling up if I feel I need to. 

I have started to think about it. Last term wasn't great. I didn't feel like myself. Like, I wasn't the sort of happy person I usually am. I was tired and confused.

I feel like, with all the counselling, I was focusing on negatives. I was focusing on what has went wrong and those thoughts permeated into everyday, so in a way I was sort of trapped in the past for a lot of last term. Then, there is the who J situation when I just felt like shit, because I was letting him down, but if I am honest, he wasn't my responsibility and he put so much on me even though professional help was avaliable. Then, there is my mum going to Nigeria and having to pop home and look after people. So, yeah. I was focusing on the negatives and what didn't help was that when I talked to people (i.e counselling and my personal tutor), they looked at me like, that is so sad. Like, they could see right through me and like it was okay to not be happy. Because then it sort of made it okay for me not to be alright, if that makes sense. 

So, yeah. My point is, I spent so much time focusing on negatives. 

I realised this when Hayat emailed me and asked me to state good things that had happened and though many good things have happened, I couldn't think about any.

And so, I decided that I'd write a list of positive things that have happened this term. Recently, it has been helping.

Because, okay, fine, life may suck sometimes, but there are great things and the happy times has always been my pillow when stuff gets hard. The simple happy moments of every day are what I am living for. It is what makes all the crap feel worth it. 

And yesterday,  I looked back at the links that the lady gave me and there is this positive psychology practise link which I will use. 

I've decided that I will try be kinder to myself. That I want to reach a place where I love myself unconditionally. Because then, eating too much or too little, and gaining and losing weight won't matter. Then, I won't believe that I should take shit from people. Then, I will put myself first. 

And ending with a quote I saw in a book many years ago: When I love myself enough, I learnt to care about my own needs and not call it selfish. 

By the way, a certain person is not talking to me because we kicked him out of the contract. 

Basically, Friday evening was not good at all. 

He posted that he was dying on the accommodation and went on staying stuff like that. Half the flat had seen and were stood in the corridor like what the f? I was on the phone with him - as he wasn't on campus - frantically trying to find out where he was. We'd called security and the residential life tutor and they were trying to track him down and enter his room. 

He was really horrible. I get that he was drunk and suicidal but like, he sort of just took it out on me, saying mean stuff and talking to me like I was stupid and like, shut up Linda. He was telling me that no one loved him and that I was just saying the 'right' things and I didn't actually believe it. 

And I felt like absolute shit. This is bad. I know it is, but we were hoping that the university withdrawals him because he's obviously not in a good state to study if every other week, he's going to message someone saying he's suicidal. Especially considering that we told him that it has a bad impact on people and it's only encouraged him. They were on the verge of considering it because he sent messages of this nature to two more flatmates the weeks earlier and now they were like, he's sort of crossed the line because instead of endangering the mental health of two people, it was now four. (Yes, because two people is most definitely fine!) 

Luckily on the night, we had lot of support from each other. A was like, let's do something fun, so we proceeded to make banana bread as a group and stayed up really late. 

He came back during that and acted like nothing happened. He came into the kitchen and I offered him banana bread and he threw it in the bin and stormed out - presumably, as he wasn't getting much attention from us. None of us knew what to do If we should ask him if he is okay or leave him be so we all pretended that the heavy tension in the air wasn't there.

The next day was better. I made jallof rice nd chicken for my flat mates someone else made french toast and someone else made cake and we shared it all together. We played games on until the night and pretended that nothing happened the day before. We tried to integrate J, bur he ate our food and didn't join the games.

The next day, we talked to our subwarden and told her how we should go about leaving the contract and after the meeting, we told him. We said living with him just isn't a possibility and that it is not a healthy living situation and he agreed to leave the contract but he was hurt and asked us why we didn't tell him we were considering leaving because he would have fixed up.

He's not talking to us now. Feel like shit, but this is potentially the best decision i have made recently, so short term feeling like shit is better than having a shitty year next year because of living with him. 

Volunteering

I did some volunteering last week. It was for a community centre and I was helping out with a community youth disco. So I took the opportunity and made this! :) 

 We had cake and icing left over. So I brought them back home for my flatmates and they decorated these cakes. I was so happy! :)

I've got a tonne of work! :o

It's really not the right time to be going home for the weekend.

I feel motivated. I am enjoying the work so it is worth doing.

Support

I had a meeting with my personal tutor the yesterday. She is so lovely.

The other week, I told her about how my mum going Nigeria is worrying me because I won't be around to look after them.

Then she was like, maybe you should book a counselling appointment and talk through things?

At which point, I told her, I have already seeing as my eating hasn't been great so she was like, come yesterday.

I did and I  was soooo nervous.

She told me that I didn't have to tell her anything and that whatever I said would be confidential.

Then she asked about J. And I told her briefly what happened and she was like, I give out the sort of vibes that I am a nice caring person and that I should perhaps be a cow to people so I don't have to be in such a position.

Then she was like, I need to look after myself and asked me if I am used to putting people before me at home.

Then she asked about counselling and I said, yeah, I have an appointment today and she was like, that's great and I said, no, it's not because I wanted to cancel it really but I didn't. Then she told me she is really proud of me. And I thought, but I haven't done anything. She then said something about it being courageous about asking for help when you need it. Then she told me I was scared and that she could tell by my body language because I sort of made myself smaller and I thought, damn it, I didn't know she could read body language as well as facial expressions.

Then she was like, if she'd known, she would have made sure she was free so that she could come with me for my appointment so I have support. And I was thinking, oh my gosh, that is so sweet and so I laughed and told her thanks but I'd rather do this alone and then she laughed because she was like, I am the sort of person who would be happy to help other people and who would offer the same to someone if I were in her position but that I wouldn't.






I feel a bit better with eating hence wanting to cancel the appointment.

However, I cannot guarantee that it won't get worse. I guess, sometimes dealing with something early may make sure it doesn't get worse.

Then I thought, but is this really dealing with it early? My eating habits have never exactly been good. I mean, I wouldn't be overweight if they were. I wouldn't feel so powerless with food. Maybe, if I talk about my eating and deal with it now, I'll get to a place where I am not over or under eating. Where I am not worrying about calories. Where I don't feel like people will judge me.

I didn't cancel my counselling appointment.

It was... it was a little intense. The lady kept probing me. She asked me when my eating habits have been at it's worse. She asked about home and what that is like. She asked if I felt like people are judging me for my eating because I feel like they feel like I am eating too much. She asked about my families eating habit and asked about bullying and if I feel me being overweight is subjective or objective or both. I felt so exposed. Then she told me I am resilient and I laughed and she asked if I believed her and I said no because I feel like, I am constantly a mess and then not a mess and how is that resilient? Then she said that the mess I am talking about is just sort of reacting to stuff that have been tough and that it's fine to sort of be a mess when things aren't going alright.

So yeah, it was intense. In a good way, I guess.

I have another apppointment in a months time and yeah, I'll see how that goes.

The hall way party

The other day, I was talking to M. I told her that she should come out of her room some time and talk to Alicia and I when we have a hallway party.

I went down to Alicia's room today - I was so tired and I could not continue doing my essay. I went to the kitchen and R gave me an apple. I was standing outside Alicia's room and we were talking. Then, R came out of the kitchen and I told her to come join us which she did. Then, I called M and L out of their rooms and so we stood there talking.

Then, I asked them how their days was and Alicia was like, should we go around the circle and so we did and we clapped about everyone's milestones. For instance, R did a test and felt happy after.

Then, I was like, lets go around the circle and talk about three things that made us happy today. L was like, what? Three is so many! So we settled for at least one.

After, I was like, I had to do this task after my positive psychology lecture for a week. That the task in theory should make us feel happier. Then I told them that it is important to look at the happy things in life because then you're focused on happiness.

And with that, I bid them goodnight and commented about how it was a deep and good way to end a hall way party. :)