It's a good life. 

Liz

Hello

Yesterday, I talked to the Wellbeing service lady and she told me that it would be wise to inform my personal tutor about the knock on effect my friend's situation is having on me.

I emailed her and her response was sweet. She was like, she was sorry to hear that I had a problem and that she needs her Nemo sitter happy and healthy. (Because I didn't tell her the problem through email, she could only speculate).

We met up today to discuss my email. It was rather daunting. She went straight to the topic (ie. what is the problem?) So I could not even try beat around the bush. I explained and she was really nice about it. It was really hard in the respect that she is so lovely and so understanding. It makes me feel like she could see more than I was saying if that makes sense. I felt more exposed that I would with someone else. It doesn't help that she is an expert in facial expressions and emotions. Also, it doesn't help at all that I was giving her eye contact. I couldn't not. I always give her eye contact so to not then would have been weird.

I felt like crying and hiding in my room. I felt stupid and childish. She was concerned. Said that I shouldn't think that just because he had the problem that I have no right to be selfish. She was like that making sure I was alright should be the priority as well because I can only be a good friend for him if I myself am in a good state. Then she was like I can come to her office or email her even during the holiday (because she works through holidays). Then she said that I was a warm person (not literally because I am usually cold, but metaphorically. Like seriously, my hands are perpetually freezing! This cold weather doesn't help). Then she said that I make her smile. And I was half happy and half like, I am going to cry, I just need to get out of her and hide away from the world because I feel so silly.

I left and then returned to the common room where my friend Amy was waiting and we watched part of a documentary about cochlear implants (seeing as we were recommended to watch it by our lecturer as we had learned about hearing and listening).


Oh also, I am not sure if I mentioned, but J is seeking help. I am so proud of him!!!

I think I posted a post on how I told him to get help and how we went to our subwarden to get that sorted. He is actually not backing out and I am so happy. I am happy as well that I had the conversation with him. I was so worried that he'd hate me for suggesting that he needed professional help. I was considering just leaving it and letting him sort of deal with his problems himself. It's good that everything (so far) is working out.

I want to experience

I worry sometimes that I do not do enough fun things.

I sometimes sit there and think, what happens if one day I have an accident that means I forget all the stuff I knew. What happens if I am working towards getting good grades and then one day, they do not even mean anything? I have invested so much time into doing well academically. What about investing time to live life? To experience? To love? To have fun?

And then I argue that I do have fun. I have fun in my tame ways. I have fun talking to my friends. I have fun taking my little sister out. I have fun drawing. Fun need not necessarily mean getting out there and having adventure.

However, having fun does not necessarily mean getting outside of my comfort zone. Then I think, but to be fair, I get myself out of my comfort zone a lot. I am in Warwick after all. I did go to NCS. I canoed and climbed a wall. However, to be harsh, I refuse to go into a pub yet claim that I don't like the atmosphere. Same with partying. I don't travel because I am worried about getting kidnapped. There are so many ways in which I limit myself.

This was what was going on in my head on Sunday morning. A friend had invited me to go to Birmingham with her and it was like, do I get work done or do I have fun?

Guess what I chose?

I went Birmingham. :) I actually went. It was like any other city (such as London) but I had fun.

I have thought about it. I will try and make the most out of life. I will travel this year. I aim to go Winchester and Edinburgh next term. However, I have decided that even if it is only for a day, I will go travel somewhere. I want to go Disneyland. I want to experience.

First essay

Hello guys,

I have finished my first essay. :)

Whooop!

I may go Birmingham today with Hahnhee to see the Christmas market...

My list of taboo's

I have just posted a post on weight. Talking about weight bothers me so much and it would have been a hard post to write if I thought that someone other than Bob would read it.

I decided to post a list of things I do not like talking about / what I struggle with / have struggled with discussing.


-  Weight

-  Self harm. I had a convo with a friend regarding self harm before I went uni. I think that this really helped. My general problem with discussing self harm is that people tend to think that it is limited to cutting. However, there are so many more behaviours encompassed in self harm.

- Periods. Well not anymore.

- Future relationships. They scare the hell out of me. Part of me thinks, what if I die alone? I make jokes, but it generally does worry me. Also, guys (not all) use females for their pleasure.

- Suicide... It scares me a bit because I remember a time where that felt like the only option and where I was that messed up that I actually planned an attempt but felt to weak to go through with it. I'm still here, but it scares me a little because no one knew.


- Mental health. I don't mind talking about this now because mental illnesses are so common. However, when I was younger, I was soooo scared. I was the sort of child that thought, damn it, what is wrong with me? I remember in year 7, my brother made an offhand comment about how I am always angry and that I may have problems and that comment never left me. I cried. Then in year 11, I have no idea what happened but I was soooo worried then. Like what the f is wrong with me? Though it turns out, there is nothing wrong with feeling weak, stupid, pathetic, etc.

It is funny really. I make more jokes about the above. It is weird how people deal with stuff by laughing about it. I mean, I often mention that I am crazy. I joke about dying alone. In fact, I have realised that I make a lot of jokes about things that have bothered me. For instance, how my mum deals with things through shouting. ("Trust me, you don't want to meet my mum. She's intimidating," I laugh. How my parents weren't happy with my life decisions. ("The funniest thing ever is that they didn't even anticipate me leaving London until results day,") It is a weird way to deal with stuff. I'd like if in Psychology, I learn about a theory that explains this.

On that happy note, I shall end this post.

No actually. What a lot of psychological studies that make people distressed do, is end with a task that makes you focus on a happy event.

So reader... I am going to ask you to focus on something positive in your life in order to get over this post.

I remember when I was in year 6, I was really overweight. (Obese really). I was 87 Kg.

I have spent a lot of time ashamed of my weight and my eating pattern. It was almost like a positive feedback loop.

I'd think, there is no point trying to lose weight because I won't. So I didn't try.

At some point, I shot up to around 110 Kg.

By year 11, I was 100 Kg.

There was a point where I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I felt hideous.

Then around this or last year, I was at 95 Kg.

After starting Uni, I have started to be less conscious about my weight and the way I look. I am eating better so I feel good. I am not exercising as much, but the change in my eating has been so drastic, that my lack of exercise doesn't make me feel too bad.

When I went home for week 5, my mum told me I had lost weight and I was like, mum, you are lying to me. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and I have seen no such thing.

Only, I have noticed that my 'school' trousers are a bit too big for me and they used to be an exact fit.

I got a bit confused. Like, how is this happening, because I have not lost any weight?

Only, I went to someones house today and they had a scale. I took the opportunity to step on it.

From the last time I stepped on a scale, I have lost weight. I didn't even realise.

I am now 85 Kg.

I checked my BMI. This is bad, but since I have been in year 6, I have been obese according to the BMI scale.

And now, I am not. :)

It feels great because this is the lightest I've been for 8 ish years.

I feel so motivated to lose weight now. To actually get more exercise.

I have got to grips with eating healthily and now I need to get more exercise.

I thought I'd make a whole list about this because weight is something that I hate to discuss.

It makes me feel so vulnerable and ugly. I feel like Shrek or the beast in Beauty in the beast. Only they find love and I feel like I never will. (This is when I talk about weight).

I feel better now.

My target for my next birthday is to lose 10 Kg.

If I do that, according to my BMI, I will be normal weighted.

That's so exciting!

Today

Yesterday

My subwarden emailed me, telling me that she contacted a health care person she works with and told her about J's situation. That we had to tell him to go see her or that they would. I was so worried because I thought breaking it to J would make him feel betrayed. So Alicia and me went to her room to ask. She was like we have time because from what we have said, she does not think J is suicidal even if he jokes about it. She was like, I could wait until Monday after my meeting with the well being service to talk to him. She was also like we didn't need to tell him we talked to her. 

Today 

I had an interview from 3:30pm to 7:00 which Alicia was also doing. This was for the welcome service at Warwick. 

There were 170 being interviewed and there are 120 jobs. Therefore, statistically, I am less likely to be rejected compared to accepted. However, rejection is still a possibility. 

I looked at my emails and it turns out that I am really busy next week. I felt so overwhelmed. Monday, I start at 9. Then I finish at 10. As 10, I need to be at the well being service at a different part of campus. At 11 - 1, I have stats. From 3, I have another meeting. On Tuesday, I have a lecture from 9 - 10. Then 11 to 5 solid. Then at around 7, I agreed to take part on a psychology pub quiz which I can't back out of now. Then Wednesday, my essay is due. I won't have much time on Monday or Tuesday to do my essay. So I have to do it from today and during the weekend. That will mean that I have to focus on it and I will be unable to catch up with anything else hence falling behind further. Then there is all the experiments I have to do for the course. Added on top of that, tomorrow, I have to cook for 7 people.

I went to check up on J and he wasn't good at all. I think he'd been crying. I stood there thinking, it is either I deal with him or go do work. He was giving a look like please do not leave me. Please don't go. I need you. 

Guess what I did? I left. I asked if he was okay and he mumbled a very unconvincing yes. I was like, well that is good. See you later. 

I felt like absolute crap. 

I went to my room and I nearly cried. I was thinking, damn it, I have so much work to do. I need to breathe. What the hell? I am such a bad friend for leaving him when he looks so awful and when I know without doubt that he needs me. Stop being so selfish and deal with him. 

So I messaged him telling him to come up. 

We talked for a bit. Then I sighed and was like, dude, I am worried about you. I am going to be absolutely honest with you, I think you need to seek help. I think that you should talk to our subwarden. 

And he was like, yes, he thinks he needs help and that he will go talk to her. I was like, are you sure you are not just saying that? Are you sure you won't back out?

He replied, yes. And said thank you and that it is good that I care about him. Then I was like, Alicia and I have been so worried about you and we've been planning to tell you to go talk to someone for a while but we decided we'd wait. Then I told him that I know it is hard to seek help when you're not alright. 

Then I was like, let's go and see the subwarden now before you change your mind and he agreed. She wasn't in, so I texted her and she set up a meeting for tomorrow at 5pm. He said he will go if I push him too.

We sat in silence for a bit. He held my hands. His were really soft. 

So yes, progress. I'm tired but I am happy.