Education will eat up my whole life!

I thought, hmmmm, I should look at career options so that I know what I want to do in Uni. I went to a King's College opening day with Joy and we went to the Psychology talk, which I really did not really like. I mean, the guy did tell us what to expect briefly for the first 3 years but like he did not really know. It was the first year they would be doing psychology so people would be an experiment and the course would not be set and standardised as other courses would be so I thought, nope! 

I want to cry now. I have now concluded that I do not want to do psychology. I do not want to do medicine. I just want to do an easy degree and be out of it in 3 years and get a job. 71 percent of graduate jobs - according to the guy who gave the psychology talk today - are not degree specific. As long as I get a degree. 

I do not want to be studying for the rest of my life. I thought, if I do medicine, I can become a GP or a psychiatrist. GP is 10 years and psychiatrist is like 13 years. I thought psychology would take less time, but for some of the career options I may be interested in, like clinical, it can take 4 - 7 years after graduating to be qualified. 

Then, I might not even get a job. The future seems bleak. I turn 28 and I have just finished a course or I have 3 - 4 years to go. Then I work. What about settling down? What if I am like 33 and decide, I want kids before menopause hits me and I am plagued with infertility. You know, I always said I did not want children, but I mean, like with the career options I may pursue, it is like, well I say I do not want it but what if I do but what if I cannot have it?

People are always like sort of like, oh, live your dream, do not let anything stop you. But now, thinking about it, I do not believe in dreams. As in, I do not think they exist literally. As in you can dream of a dream and it is real in your head, but in a dream in real life...

I am thinking, perhaps I should consider an apprenticeship. Like seriously. No bloody uni fees. No commitment to education for like a bloody decade. Like, just a lot less stress. 

I mean, people are always like follow your heart. Well guess what? Life is not as romantic as it is in films! Films omit hard work and having to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life on one instant of time. No, Films dare not touch anything near the proximity of reality.

Dog days

Dog days are the hottest days of summer.

One of my favourite songs is called the Dog days are over. So, if you think about it, the sunny hot days have gone and all you have been left with is the hostile cold or the turbulent wind. Weather - especially British weather - is known to fluctuate, so one day is dog day and on the next day, the wind so ardent that you fear being carried away with it like a leave. It is one of my favourite songs as it has a sort of theme of instability and constant change. Things will not be perfect forever. In fact, it is good one day and then the next you find yourself running away. However, that is not to say, that there are no dog days ahead; that there is no more hope and salvation when you are running too.

Okay, today was my dog day, because, it was indeed hot. It may be the hottest day of summer I have experienced so far. The weather this year has been so bleak. The sun, disgruntled, decided that we are not worthy of it's rays.

Also, I have decided to love summer. I spent so long disliking summer. It is too hot, I used to complain. Now, after the unforgiving cold winter, I decided that the warmth is so beautiful and that I should never criticize it again. So I like the warmth now and so the intense heat of summer is now associated with happiness, fun and good times.

Today was a happy day. I not only got my oyster back but I got the library job in college too.

This whole week has been my dog days, if I think of it. They have been the happiest and warmest days in a while. Not only has it been an incredibly social week for me, but it has been free too. Yesterday, I won a student award and despite how much complaining about wearing a dress and being awkward, it was good to be recognised for the effort I put in.

Student Awards

Okay, so today was the student awards were today and I got an award. Yaaaaaaay hahaha clap for me!

It was a really chalenging situation but I pulled through.

Okay, so the first challenge was what do I wear? I thought, I MOST definitely do not want to be over dressed. So I wore a dress. By over dressed, I do not mean like, wearing too many clothes. I mean, like wearing a really nice dress for a t-shirt and jeans situation. Like if someone wore a ball gown to go fishing.

I bet you are wondering, was this one of the times were my wearing a ball gown for fishing metaphor applies? No, not exactly. Well, I was wearing a dress. Rather short. It did not even reach my knees and if I were to bend down, the dress would not be dignifying or allow decency. So yeah. It was a bit later low cut in the chest area. Okay, so it did not show anything thankfully but it makes the dress look rather - not trashy - but just not really smart or casual.

My second challenge was shoes. I have clown feet. My feet hurt in size 9 shoes now. I hope my feet stop growing otherwise I can picture myself entering a shoe shop and not being able to get shoes. The people there would probably just look at me, sort of disapproving and give me a paper bag to hide my disgraceful feet with. Ho, my feet aren't disgracefully really; they carry my body around. :)

My third obstacle, was getting there.

Me: Dad, the student Awards are in Kenton hall, near Preston Park. Do you know it?

Dad: Yeah

Two weeks later

Me: Dad, the student Awards are in Kenton hall, near Preston Park. Do you know it?

Dad: Nope! You should have told me earlier!

So on the day, I am there trying to find directions. If you are Bob, you are face palming thinking, this does not turn out good, does it?

Well it does. I managed to give my dad perfect directions.


We got there and there was Sameer, helping out :) We talked for a bit. The fourth challenge was free food.

I thought, wow, that food looks good. But like, I do not want to eat, in front of people. I hate eating in front of people that I do not know. So I just did not get any food.


My fifth challenge was being there. Lots of people watching and there were some teachers and I felt awkward like, I want to hide somewhere! But I could not. I sat at front first, then I thought, what if I want a quick get away? So I moved to the back with Nishil and Shivani and they had that intention too. Oh yeah, by the way, I was with my sisters. If I was not, I would have stepped in and taken a look, then decided, nope, can't do this!


Guess whose name was first? Go on! Take a stab at it! The first category was science and the first name was Olugbemi Moronfolu, so I had to go up first! Hahahahahaha! I found out who nominated me - Mrs Ratna. :)

It was awkward walking up. I took really long, that the person after me was waiting one minute for me to go up. Then I got to the front and got my certificate. Micheal Worgs whispered that I had to shake his hand. Then he was like smile and he looked at the camera and so I did too. I really am not photogenic. I am worried that they put up my picture in the college like they did with last years.

There was an amazing speech from this guy, Levi ... something and he went to Harrow College. He came in with 1 C in GCSE and came out with 3 A's for A2. Like wow.

Victoria was there and so was Xiao. I thought they were really good friends as I am always told of stories of them eating in lessons together. But I realised they may not be. On the Bletcheley trip, for much of the time, they were walking together but saying nothing to each other and texting. Also, I got told that when Xiao got told she would get an award for maths, Victoria got angry, like why not me. Like I mean she could have been happy for her friend but she was pissed off because it was not her.


My sixth challenge was sneaking out. There were lots of people and so it was beneficial that we sat in the back. We did the one by one approach where I went first, then Joy then Tobi.

Social

Today I saw Lambis. For someone fasting, unable to drink and eat, she is pretty active.
I met her in Harrow Shopping centre and we walked through the shopping centre and then around it. Then we walked back, down to Harrow Boy's school. She said she wanted to walk past it to see the nice view that everyone is always telling her about and I thought, it must have been Madvhi who told her it was a nice view and by nice view meaning the guys. But she literally meant the view. We talked as we walked. About what, I do not even know. There was no one specific topic. At one instant we were talking about this arrogant boy in her class who wishes bad grades on his competition to dentistry and I brought up Headlamb and how he told me I would die alone. I cannot remember if he said it like that actually. All I know is that, he started like, do you not have a boy friend because of choice or because no one wants you and I said choice and he was something like I think we both know it is not down to choice. I think about it now and I shrugged it off. I should have told him that most people in this world find him insufferable and repulsive and people tend to find me nice. I should have told him that compared to him I am more likely to end up with someone. Ah well.


We got on the H17 to Wembley and got on the 92 to Wembley library and we literally spent and hour looking for books then we walked home. Okay, we literally did an hour of walking. Lambis, as said, was fasting. She even ran for a bus. You have got other people saying, oh, I am fasting, so I have to spend the whole day at home. Okay, fine, not eating or drinking takes a lot of dedication, but if you are willing to do something, then even fasting for some people will not come as an obstacle.


I then thought, hmmmm, I want ice cream so I went and got ice cream.

I have been hassling my mum to get me shoes that are not trainers and she finally has. I sneaked up to have a look at it and they are beautiful. A dark blue colour with a couple silver rhinestones. It is simple and perfect. Only problem is, guess who has clown feet? And guess what do not fit clown feet? Simple perfect shoes. :(

I saw June and Umi yesterday. I was a bit angry. Okay, so Umi turns up to meet June. Umi could have just told June that the meet up was off and kept her plans with me, but no. She could have not told June that we had plans in the first place. Not that I have a problem with June, but if I do not make plans with a person, it is for a reason. I just did not want to see June. She is way too much to handle.

It was good catching up with them. They were reading the 3rd draft of my personal statement and both insisted that I email it to them and Umi was like, I enjoy reading this. Hahahaha I am awesome.

Oh yeah, my interview? It went okay... I felt like I was dull and inarticulate and stammering a lot. I thought they really did not like me. Damn, I am not good at interviews. There was two people conducting the interview so I was like who do I look at?

However, I think I will get the job. It recruits 3 people and there were only 4 people applying because most people saw the application form and could not be bothered. These are the people who are like, revise? No, cannot be bothered. Walk? No I cannot be bothered. Hard work? Nope, not my thing. SO obviously, 2 sides of A2 definitely put a lot of people of. I put the books back in order the fastest. They gave us a trolley full of books and asked us to sort it out based on the dewey decimal system, which I already knew about as Wendy mentioned it once. Also during summer, I had the tedious job of stacking books and sometimes the decimals would dictate the order. So yeah, I may get the job.

:)

Opportunties

If there us anything that this year has taught me, it is that there are always always always opportunities lingering around the corner.

I realised weeks ago, that when door closes another one truly does open and it may not seem that way all the time. You may think, well hang on, I cannot see anything apart from stillness. You may think nothing is really progressing, but the world really is.

When I say when one door opens another one closes, I do not mean it literally. I guess, sometimes, people are sat still looking at the front door. Waiting for the postman. Waiting for someone to knock. Waiting for it to open. Maybe when you are looking too intently at one door, you do not notice the garden door creeping open now and then. And you do not see the room doors either. Then, after a long day of waiting for the front door, you wearily drag yourself to bed and think, okay then, this was a waste of time. Nothing ever happens to me. There are no opportunities for me. No fish in the pond. No options. No light. Just nothing.

Just because the door you want to open does not, does not mean there are not other doors opening.


:)

Dear Bob,

On the bad days,
when I'm all alone
the world is streaked with shadows
and the moon hangs solemnly.
The sun, weary, shines half heartedly
The shadows so silent and sly:
grasp at my ankles; reduces me to my knees;
slips its dense arms delicately around my neck
and steals my breath away.

On the bad days,
all alone, away from the scrutiny of light
all alone in the coarse coal black night,
I roam relentlessly and endlessly,
trying to conjure a smile;
desperately trying to be happy
but all alone the burden I bear is my own -
the stress, sadness and sorrow sit heavy like a stone

On the bad days,
with you, I find myself laughing horrendously,
my face wrinkling and creasing involuntarily.
I find sometimes I simply cannot get words out
when I am asked if I am okay
but that it doesn't matter, because my problems
has left to torment me on another day.

On the bad days,
with you, I, the person framed in nature
to stress and worry,
find myself: carefree, confident and capable.

On a bad day,
just thinking of you, I smile to myself
and I am grateful for how powerful
the gift of friendship is because
I have many bad days alone;
none when I am with you.



Okay, writing this has made me go a little bit like emotional. Like, I do not know if you have noticed, but I cry quite a lot. Hahahahaha. Love you lots. I don't want you to go Poland. But when you go, hope you have fun and that you miss me lots. But until then, I am afraid that you are pretty much stuck with me.

This year, has been tough. Like not in the sense, like with exams and getting stuff done, but as in like going it College. After you left, I realised that I did not really need to make friends when you were there. I also realised that the friends we had previously were 'our' friends. they knew us - Bob and Trevor - they did not really know me. Then I thought like, what do I do now?

It has been good though. Like making friends, apart from you and getting to know other people better.But then sometimes it hurts. Like the past couple of weeks before College finished, I did not really get to see you much and you were busy with course work and when I did see you, there were always other people and we could not catch up properly. There was like a couple days were I was like, okay, fine, I will not message or call her or anything because she does not need me. I wouldn't really blame her if she was like sort of relieved that I am not like their all the time. I thought like, what if I just annoy her and what if like she does not want me to message or call and if whenever she sees my messages, she thinks, oh God, not Olu again, she is so boring and such a drama queen etc. What if you think, she argues with her mum too much and then cries about it too much. Hahahahaha. I was like, what if I am just inconveniencing you?
Then I sort of caved and called you on like a Sunday, which I cannot remember the date and I heard your voice and I was really happy.



Anyway, good night. It is way past my bed time. Hope you had a nice time at the beach and hope you NEVER EVER EVER forget that I love you and that I care about you so much.

Ugh, the cheese.

You're such a hideous creature.

Trying not to raise my temper

My mum annoys me some times. She called me to the kitchen to shout at me because in her opinion I am not cleaning it and I am leaving it all to here. Is she the one who washes most of the plates? No. Is she the one who sweeps the floor most of the time? No. I do not see why she is bloody complaining. I do the most I can yet it is always me being told of for not helping enough. My sisters are supposed to be cleaning their room and everyday there are clothes everywhere lining the floor. The get the occasional scalding now and then but I who actually do something am told of.
All she does is sit all day watching Nigerian Movies. Or she goes out to waste money. She went out all day yesterday, buying shoes and bags and dresses for my sisters prom - you would think she could bloody pop into Tesco and buy a loaf of bread. But no. It doesn't occur to her to buy food and then she complains, oh, why aren't you lot buying food. Like no! Just no. She took the money of my dad; complained to the people who gave him the money that he was not looking after us and she is being so bloody useless, shouting all the time - no not shouting, bloody H-O-W-L-I-N-G all the time like a mad person.

I really really really cannot wait to go to Uni then she will have no dish washer, no cleaner, no one to buy food and to make her tea every bloody minute. No one who she can order when she does sits doing nothing. One less person who she can shout at and make feel like shit.

I love my mum, really.