Hate

I used to hate myself. 

I think that sometimes. It is important to remember how far I've come.

Anyway, I used to hate myself. It seems as if that is all I used to do. Hate myself. I look back often and think, wow, it almost seems as if it comes innate, all that hate. 

I think it is important to talk about these things. You know, negative feelings and weak points. It is not a sign of weakness when you talk about things that cause pain or that hurt - it is strength. It is not selfish to think, let me dwell on my problems and flaws when there are other people dying because they hardly have anything that we have, yet we are still complaining. It will do us good to remember that there are people not as blessed as we are, but thinking, I am not going to complain because other people have it worst, is impossible - our default setting is not happy. It is impossible to be happy all the time, especially when emotions are bubbling through us all the time threatening to guide and control us. 

I also think it is important to talk about things so that everyone knows that everyone else understands one way or another. Limiting an experience to yourself makes you think, oh, I am so isolated in this, when really everyone bears the brunt of pain, one way or another.

This is me, talking about stuff. Some stuff I have never even trusted myself with acknowledging and, hopefully, after this, stuff that will set me free.

I was dyslexic as a child. I could not pronounciate to save my life! I had to be taught the basics by my younger sister and my parents were told by teachers that In would never get anywhere in life. That I was stupid. My mum tells me sometimes when I am revising, that she would never have expected me to be good academically because she thought I was stupid. Wow, she really had faith in me.

It wasn't too bad. Some people still have learning difficulties. I beat it. Some people  cannot make friends easily and their learning disability affects so much in their lives. I know a girl who still cannot spell - she was dyslexic too - and a guy who is so good at maths but so horrible at communicating. I had it easy compared to others. 

I know that. I really do. 

When I was younger though, I felt like a liability. Why me? I had to be the child who was not normal. All the rest were not stupid. All the rest were not as dependant as me. 

I hated that. 

We moved around a lot. I felt unwanted. My mum saw my sister as prettier and smarted and just better than me. I think she is still her favourite - she is the girly girl whose not fat and whose useful, who can pick up skills like hairdressing. I am a lot different. My mum had other children when we moved around and it was hard to settle because people do not like the new kid, especially if the new kid is an alien and not like the rest. 

I finally settled in Brentfield, in year four. I did not have to have speech therapy any more. I was so fat. I had spent my childhood up to the scribbling in books, writing and comfort eating. It was such a horrible habit and I must have been so fat because people from church are always telling me how I lost weight and a guy from primary school I was talking too was like, wow, you lost a lot of weight. I did not get out much, okay. 

I stuck out a lot, obviously. I was an anomaly. I hated that. 

I started high school. The first day in tutor group was weird. I sat next to the girl who threw mud down my back, two years previously. She was the only person I knew. I was eager to make friends. It was a fresh start. Not everyone knew everyone, so it would be easier, I thought. 

I was wrong. 

I was walking up the high road and I saw a girl I recognised from class and I was like 'hi Karina.' 

From that day onwards, she started to bully me. 

I know see, from hindesight, bullying was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Other people do not see it that way of course. I knew so many people who had got bullied; a lot, the victim of a victim - Karina - themselves. She too was bullied, but it made her so bitter. This one guy, got bullied for having ginger hair and he cannot trust people - well he trusted me enough to say that - but it is just that he sees the bad in people. 

It hurt in short.

I hated myself. Did I bring this on myself, I thought. Was it because there was something wrong with me? Was it because I was so repulsive? I thought so then. 

It was sly comments - I had it easy.

They would call me a rhino and say mean stuff to me.

They. Soon it became most of the people in the class. This one time, Mrs Alawiye left the class and they all started to call me a rhino and I started to cry and Mrs came back and didn't realise a thing. It was bad enough that they got to me, but it was worst that they knew that they were getting to me. 

Around the same time, things were getting rocky at home. I started to resent my mum. She was always on my case. My parents did not know about the bullying - I was already a liability; I did not want to make it worst. My brother told me I had mental problems because I got angry too much and being 11 years old and irrational and a person who over thought, I naturally over thought. 

I hated myself. I did not do anything about the bullying. My friends knew - it was obvious. I did nothing. I allowed myself too. 

I thought about suicide one day, when it got to much. I came home crying and no one was around and I pulled out a knife and I was holding it and I thought, please, just be strong enough do this. I hoped that it would kill me so that they would have to deal with the burden of pushing me too far. I urged myself too, but I could not. I felt weak and pathetic and I was on the kitchen floor, crying. No one noticed though. I had to pick myself back up and wipe away the tears and pretend I was okay. I thought then I was too pathetic than to end it all - I made the right decision that day. 

I ended telling my form tutor. The bullying stopped overtly, but continued covertly for a while, then it died.

It started again in year eight - this time a girl called Kinal but that ended soon enough.

I did not like myself at all, but it was easier to pretend than to deal with stuff.

I made such a fool out of myself though. In year nine, I was a laughing stock. People would laugh at me and I would laugh too, at myself. No one talked to me unless it was to copy work. I was apparently smart - I was not really ; I just knew how to read. 

I allowed my mum to blame me for social services entering our lives. I was 12 and I got fed up of everything being left for me. All the cleaning, cooking and responsibility. I crashed and I could not do it anymore. No one else would. The house was an absolute mess. They had come to give my dad a parking ticket and the result was taking us away from home.

I resented my mum growing up and I am pretty sure she resented me. She made me do work experience in a crummy hair salon, every saturday from 10 - 6. Me and Joy. Every saturday for three fucking years, spent doing what my mum wanted and she could never be proud of me.  

My parents tried to get me to see a dietician but I wriggled my way out of it. They thought I started to eat better, but I bought junk food everyday.

I started to realise just how much I hated myself before year 11 started. I thought I had made friends throughout year 10 but I was not keen to see anyone; I wanted to remain isolated because around most people, I felt alone and obligated. That is the thing, with being a pushover; you always feel obligated to help. I realised that doing people's homework and being there for people who needed someone to be there for them was not friendship. I felt suffocated. I hated myself. I was so repugnant. 

I felt like I was a mess. I was letting my friends down. I was letting myself down. At first no on noticed anything was wrong apart from my close friends. I could put on a smile. Things started to get rocky because I just felt like crap all the time. I stopped hanging out with my friends for a while. I started to hang around near the mentoring department because I felt like the people there understood me. Almost all of the people there had got bullied and a lot of them had mental health problems. 

People started to realise I was not doing too well when I started to cry in lessons. I did that a lot. It was horrible. I could not hold it in. It eventually got back to my form tutor, Mrs Hamdoun. But I did not trust her and I did not want to talk to her so the next day, I went to talk to Mrs Saeed, because she seemed less scary. 

I was a shit friend that year. I would think, how do they put up with me? They struggled putting up with me. I was hot and cold all the times. June and  I had arguments. I treated Syed badly and yet her still saw the good in me. Zainab kept telling me that I was not as bad as I thought I was. And Agata, I do not want to mention her - you will probably read this Agata - I do not want to say how you reacted because it hurts how much I put you thought, the most. It hurt, that you felt hurt that I could not tell you things because we were supposed to be best friends ans yet I was distant and so all over the place. That is part of the reason why I am writing this, so that you know that I can tell you things now. That I have grown up and that you matter a lot to me.

Now going back to pretending that I have no idea who will read this. 

Long story short, I dealt with things. I stopped hating myself around February 2014. I am so many things more than I saw. I am strong, confident, funny, intelligent, articulate amongst other things. These are things I could not have said a long time ago, but now I can.

I remember Agata got me a book and she told me to write 50 reasons worth living. I could not think of many back then. Now I can. This is just a little thing. But it feels so big. I am so much more in so many little ways but even still, I have come a long way from the girl I was and I will keep on travelling.

WHAT COLOUR IS THE DRESS

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT UP IN THIS WEB THAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA, THEN YOU HAVE PROBABLY ASKED OR HEARD ABOUT THE BLACK/BLUE AND GOLD/WHITE DRESS.

IT HAD LITERALLY BECOME AN ARGUMENT TODAY. PEOPLE WOULD OUT THEIR PHONES WITH THEIR AND ASK, 'WHAT COLOUR IS THIS DRESS?' AND WHEN SOMEONE WOULD SAY COLOURS THAT THEY HAD NOT SEEN, THEY WOULD ARGUE OUTRAGED - NO, YOU ARE COLOUR BLIND, IT IS DEFINITELY BLUE AND BLACK.  IT HAS BEEN A FUNNY DAY; PEOPLE WERE HUDDLED IN GROUPS ARGUING ABOUT THE COLOUR OF A DRESS. 

I AM THINKING, ISN'T IT QUITE INTERESTING THAT PEOPLE DO NOT SEE THE SAME THING? WHEN I WAS READING OF MICE AND MEN, CROOKS SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HOW A GUY GOES CRAZY ALONE BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW IF WHAT THEY SEE IS WHAT IS THERE, BUT WHEN THERE IS TWO PEOPLE, IT CAN BE CONFIRMED; HOWEVER, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT IS REALITY?

OKAY, SO I SEE THINGS IN MY WAY, BUT IF PEOPLE CANNOT EVEN CONCLUDE WHAT COLOUR A DRESS IS, WHAT IS THE ASSURANCE THAT THEY CAN SEE WHAT I SEE THROUGH MY EYES?

WHAT IF NOTHING THAT YOU SAW EXISTED OUTSIDE OF YOUR VIEW? WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE SAW SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT? YOU MAY BE THINKING, HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN. BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN 'OBVIOUSLY' SEE THINGS. I MEAN, IF THERE WAS A BIG RED BUS, SOMEONE ELSE WOULD SEE A BIG RED BUS, RIGHT? YEAH, I SUPPOSE SO. 

BUT WHEN THINGS ARE A LITTLE LESS 'OBVIOUS?' THE PICTURE BELOW, IS IT A RABBIT OR DUCK? SOME PEOPLE WILL SEE A RABBIT, OR A DUCK OR BOTH. THEN, WHO IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS ACTUALLY THERE AND HOW DO YOU KNOW? 

IT IS QUITE COOL. I REMEMBER THAT WHENEVER I AM FEELING SELF CONSCIOUS OR STUPID OR LIKE I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I REMEMBER THAT OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT SEE THAT SAME THING WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME.  

WRITTEN IN CAPITALS BECAUSE I THOUGHT, HEY, THIS COULD BE COOL, WRITING IN CAPITALS :)

I MAY AS WELL WRITE IN CAPITALS.

I GOT IN THE SAME BUS AS HIM TODAY. 

YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING WHO. BASICALLY, JUST THIS GUY I HAVE A CRUSH ON.

HAHAHAHA 

I ALSO TOLD HEADLAM TO SHUT UP. I WAS IN THE BUS STOP AND HE SOMES. I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE AND THEY ARE TALKING TO ME BACK. HE COMES, STANDS AROUND US, THEN, FOR NO REASON, WITHOUT BEING PROVOKED HE TELLS THE PERSON I AM TALKING TO TO SHUT UP. TWICE. THEN I TURN TO HIM AND I SAY, I ACTUALLY SAID THE WORDS, LOUD AND CLEARLY, 'GO AWAY!' THEN HE IS ALL LIKE, NO. THEN I AM LIKE, SHUT UP THEN AND I AM LIKE, YOU DO NOT GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE WHO YOU HARDLY KNOW TO SHUT UP. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM. HE REPLIED THAT HE HAS AUTHORITY FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS AND I GOT A BIT ANGRY, BECAUSE IT I STARTED TO SEE WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT HIM. HE THINGS HE IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE SUPERIOR AND THAT HE CAN SAY ANHYTHING. I GET IF HE IS JUST THE PERSON WHO SAYS WRONG THINGS, BUT HEADLAM SEEKS OUT ANGER AND CONFLICT BY PROVOKING PEOPLE. THE OTHER DAY, HE WENT UP TO A GIRL HE HARDLY KNOWS, ASKED HOW HER SEX LIFE IS. THERE IS THIS GIRL HE CALLS FAT AND UGLY EVERY TIME HE SEES HER. HE'S REALLY GOOD AT THIS PUSHING AWAY THING. I THINK, WHY AM I STILL FRIENDS WITH HIM IF HE IS SO ADAMANT TO PUSH EVERYTHING AWAY - IF I AM MERELY INFERIOR COMPARED TO HIS SUPERIORITY. IN FRIENDSHIP, IT SHOULD NOT BE LIKE, LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I AM SUPERIOR AND ALL YOU BELIEVE IN IS CRAP BECAUSE YOU I KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE BECAUSE I AM A 'PROPHET OF GOD.

I SAT IN BIOLOGY, NEXT TO TWO FRIENDS WHO DO NOT TALK ANYMORE.  THEY DO NOT EVEN SAY HI. ONE COMES, AND SHE STARTS TALKING AND THE OTHER PUTS IN THEIR HEADPHONES AND PRETENDS THAT THE IS NOT THERE. VICTORIA TALKS - SHE IS TELLING HER SOMETHING BUT SHE JUST IGNORES AND ACTS AS IF SHE DID NOT SAY HER NAME. IT IS SAD - FRIENDSHIP DOES NOT CONNECT THEM. THEY ACT AS IF THEY ARE MERELY STRANGERS. THE SAD THING IS THAT THE ONLY RECOGNITION OF A BOND IS FACEBOOK. 

FACEBOOK IS SO GREAT WHEN IT COMES TO HOARDING GHOSTS. IN MY FAVOURITE SONG, SHAKE IT OUT, THE FIRST LINE IS 'REGRETS COLLECT LIKE OLD FRIENDS.' I LOVE THAT LINE - I THINK LIKE, REGRETS ARE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BUT YOU LET SLIP AND IT BATTERS AT YOU. IS THAT WHAT OLD FRIENDS ARE LIKE? FRIENDSHIP THAT COULD HAVE BEEN IF SOMEONE TRIED HARDER AND IF BOTH PARTIES NEGOTIATED? I THOUGHT, WOW, REGRETS? OR PERHAPS GUILT, BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE I TOLD ON THE 23/05/14 WHEN I LEFT THAT I WOULD KEEP IN TOUCH AND YET, ALL THAT REMAINS ARE FAINT MEMORIES. IS THE REGRET THAT A PERSON NEVER TRIED OR IS IT GUILT, THAT I DID NOT WANT TO, BUT YET I PROMISED?

MY MUM IS GOING NIGERIA TOMORROW AND I WILL MISS HER, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL BE A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOT MORE QUIETER WITHOUT HER. I LOVE HER, SHE'S MY MUM.

AH WELL. IT WILL BE OKAY.

A MONTH IS LONG THOUGH.

This Half Term Week :)

I fell bad because I got the laptop of my sister by guilt tripping her; I was like, I need to do my homewoek, but okay, if you need it more than me to watch a film, then it is okay. I did that sort of dramatic walk out and she was like, take it, I insist. And well, there is only so much insisting that a person can do, till you submit. :P

I actually got the laptop to write a blog post. Blogging has taken over my life.

How has my week been? Well thank you for asking. It has been, well great. I have been procastinating a lot more. I have been playing little big planet with my brother and sisters and we've really bonded; it's like, you guys are really actually quite cool. Little big planet is really cool and sac boy is sooooo cute.

I have been playig pacman a lot - there are some times where it is like, you know what? I want to play pac man! Why? I don't know, but yeah, I want to play it. So a lot of my time has been spent playing pac man.

I did some revision. It did not seem adequate enough because a lot of procastinaion ate into my time, but it is better than nothing, especially when tomorrow morning in Chemistry, when I ask the people around me how their half term went, they'll be like, crap I didn't revise.

I met up with friends. My friends are great. :)

I went library, which was fun.

I had an argument with my mum and instead of saying sorry, I pushed it too far and told her that she is the one who likes to argue and shout, not me - and if I do argue and shout at times, it's her faults that I inherited. It needed to be said. Well not really - it was a bit rude, but I need to say more of what I think.

I return to college tomorrow. I think it will be okay. I see my friends at the bus stop; may walk with Lambis to get back into the full swing of things. I have chemistry first. I love chemistry. There's maths, but at least I did the homework, and, and and it's C2, not crappy, bland S1, so I will be okay. Plus, I can catch up with Evelin, so it will be cool. :)

I went to the church thing today. It was so cool. We had to build like a tower with marshmallows ans spaghetti and we had to balance an easter egg on it. The team with the longest tower, with the easter egg on top, won. The leader of my team - saxaphone Aaron, because there were two Aarons - told us when we started that we would definetely win - needless to say that we did not. We came last; we were the type who comes last but insist that we were not defeated, but the other teams were cheats.

They gave us wraps with chicken in it and I never realised that there were forks, so I ate with my hand and I ate so messily. I was so glad it was dark because I would have been so embarrassed in the light.

They gave us so much chocolate. Still, Tobi kept stealing them. She stuffed the remaining marshmallows into her pockets as if they were a delicacy that she had never had before.

It was awkward at first. There were my sisters and the Patel family - their surname is actually Patel, by the way. We all just sort of didn't like spread out. We weren't keeping ourselves to ourselves, and I wasn't feeling clumsy or awkward. I just did not know what to say or do. But they're really cool people. Later, the two Aarons and Niles and ... I feel bad because i forgot his name, but I know that he is Tristan's brother came. Nilesh, the Patel's dad dropped off us home and I was supposed to be giving directions, but being crap and having a rubbish sense of right and left, I was nervous. However, to my suprise, he knew where it was, because apparently, he used to walk from there to Willesden at 12:00 am. The car ride home wasn't awkward as anticipated. We talked about transport and politics and stuff; my sisters were quiet though the politics bit - I think they were thinking, what's a manifesto, as I was discussing UKIP's.

I've loved this half term so much. Procastinating, pausing and play. Now, though, I need to power through the next couple of weeks.

In church, we were asked to reflect on what we need for the next weeks.

I thought about the next term, where pressure would be mounting.

I need strenght.
I need to persevre.
I need friendship.
I need to have confidence in myself.
I need to die trying
and try in everything I do
and still have enough time for me.
It's a lot.
But then, I am a lot.
I am good enough and capable.
BRING IT ON! :)

Goodnight, I've got to read some more Harry Potter, then sleep. :)  

Without Agata

I have started to realise just how prominent loneliness is in the mines and other lives. I ahev started to realsie that not everyone is blessed with an amazing best friend who knows you well and who you can trust, the way I am. I realised that when Agata left. People are lonely. A lot of the people in my college come from tehr countries and they are all here by theirselves and they keep themselves to themselves. t is not like in highschool (for me anyway) where everyone knows eachother and where everyone talks and hugs eachother. No, it is where you are sit alone and avoid people who come near. Where no one knows who you are, really; people do not care - or seem not to; they are not outwardy curious. It is  lot harder to get to know people from college. They all ahve guarded hearts that are waiting to be infiltrated, but are too tough to allo anyone to do so.

It's sad.

I was so used to being wth Agata that i did not realise. When she left I was drawn out of my comfort zone - who could I be friends with had now become a priortiy. I did try. I really did. I refused to isolate myself. I started talking a lot more to Evelin, a girl in lots of my classes and she was really nice. Different, I guess. She allowed people to come close. However, other people just live in their shelter.

Adulthood

I am scared of becoming an adult. Some people treat me like I know all the answers and like I have got everything planned out, but really, it scares me whenever anyone asks anything about the distant future. Where do you want to go for uni? What do you want to study? Blah blah blah. I prtend I know sometimes - I say Psychology and that I want to go Cambrigde, to some people. But really, inside my head, I am dreading it. Yes, being 18 is not being like a fully grown adult; 18 is a bay adult, I guess - a mere foothole into independance where everything is. despite being daunting, exciting and new. 

Adulthood, like proper adulthood, with the looking after of babies and the weariness as you try to make ends meet and try to make sense of your career and life, scares me too. Like, so much independance, that it is natural.

I am scared of the adult I will become. People sometimes joke about how I am mentally unhinged; I do too. This one time, a guy in my maths class joked about me being the type of person who would kill her children - that hurt, but I replied with a hollow laugh still. I am scared however, of how the stress and pressure will get to me. Like, if I thought I've experienced pressure, then I am completely wrong and blissfuly unaware to what it is. I don't think I cope well enough as it is. I found myself pinching my arm this one time and I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, because I am such a pushover sometimes and I can easily say no, but i do not. What if I never learn to say no to the people who demand so much of me? My parents want me to do medicine, and I am not exaggerating, but literaly every conversation i have with my dad, is like, go inot medicine, and I am actually consdering it, submitting and doing something I do not want to, just to please. I fear I'll resent the person I will come.

But at least, that does not matter until then.

I am scared that I am already adult like. I try to remain a kid a much as I can, and the title of young adult does not help at all. I remember around last year when my mum went Nigeria and I was on the verge of not coping because so much more than usual was expected of me. I had to act like a mother to my siblings, and I had to cook and clean and I had to - not had to, now I come to think of it - please everyone. Sometimes my siblings are like pigs. Mess up everything and it's like Linda has to clean it all and it would be so messy and i would be so tired and fed up with all the chaos that I had to fix and clear up. But I coped, this time. And I think that scared me more than anything. Yes, I had support from friends and my form tutors, but I am so mouled in the idea that  I can't make mistakes and that  I have to be responsible.

I try to be a child sometimes. It's easier said than done. When I am with friends it is easier. Especially when I am with Agata, because we are really spontaneous and awkward together. She's growing up too, through. We talk a lot more about problems than we used to.

I think I need to be a bit more dependant on people. Whenever I do group activities, I do as much as I can so that it all goes well nd planned, but maybe I need to start straying from the plan and doing stuff I do not need too. I do not want to regress, really, as i journey into adulthood; I just want to hold on to the childliness I have left. I want to be depndant, I want to be able to cry and let others be there for me. I never want to accept things the way they are, the way I see some adults do.

War is everywhere

 War is everywhere

Conflicted air

Listen their blood curdling screams for mercy;

Their hearts are hollow, blistered, raw and cold.

The howls of protest for peace

And dense echoes of tears

Of your people and my people and our children

Go in vain.

Now stop – listen; this is not an order

But a plea

Listen to the silence;

The silence of morals

And disregarded, taken for granted
simple sound of laughter.

Laughter falls.
CRASH!

Plates
Pieces
Us

Our anger
strikes and tears through the skies
like thunder,
petrified, the trees  shake vigorously.

Agitated, the seas daggered waves crash ardently.
Irritated. Do you know how many times I’ve contemplated
about pushing you in the deep end, the you push me

Look at us; so angry and so lost.

There you are, inches away;
stroking the gun that is sat bored in your pocket
ready to shoot out those prejudices that refuse to remain at bay

Unspoken words can be so stale
I think before your hit
BAM!

Piercing
… here
ruby oozings
cascade down my arm.

Figuratively.

What I would do if I were:
brave; strong and not pathetic

I really don’t like me

And neither do these poisons
that swim through me.
They’re ready to storm!
They accumulate and cultivate!
Hastily build up their defences
and equip its army
and ATTACK!