Relapse

In psychology, we were learning about the use of CBT in schizophrenia and the last stage was trying to reduce anxiety about relapse, because even though a person may be fine, they may still be worrying about when they are not fine and that can result the person relapsing.

I get so much laughing done in psychology. 

Mike is really funny. The way he demonstrates stuff time is overboard. 

Once he was trying to demonstrate catatonia which is a symptom of schizophrenia, where people just freeze in awkward positions for long times.

So he was in front of the board, just freezing. 

It is weird. I can come into a psychology lesson feeling down, but leave it, happier. 

I sit next to Evelin. She dyed her hair recently so it looks more orange.

Though she prefers me to say 'bronze.' 

Her face goes red when she laughs and it is really cute.

Trending

Facebook is rather infuriating. I logged in today and I looked at what was trending. It was absolute rubbish.

The top two were about two female celebs on holiday, wearing swimsuits. One was about how they changed the recipe of cadbury creme egg. OMG because that is so important!!! People showing too much flesh and creme egg stocks falling.

What has the world come to?

Periods

If you are queasy when it comes to the talk of blood, then I suggest you do not read this post. 

I am sort of reluctant when it comes to writing about periods, because usually, whenever people talk about periods, it is like, 'I need chocolate because I am on my period,' *cough cough Zeinab* Or like, 'I do not want to talk to people because I am on my period.' People hardly talk about blood when they are on a period. If you mention the word period to a guy, they will cringe. 

Okay, so I hate periods. I watched a TedEd talk and now I know why I have to endure them, but I still hate them. 

When I am on a period, I feel like a piece of meat. It sucks. 

After 5 years, I still do not know when my cycle starts and so my clothes still get stained sometimes. Which is the worst. Yesterday, like my trousers - thank God they were grey - got stained a bit. After I changed, I could not be bothered to be happy because literally, I was swimming in blood, which does not feel comfortable at all. 

Another bad thing about periods for me is that sometimes it affects my mood. Like, the pain sometimes, is horrible. My legs usually hurt. Sometimes, I get stomach aches and shooting pain through my arms. To smile and remain cheery through that is really hard. And I do not use painkillers. I used to a lot, before. My dad made me think that every time I had a headache, which was quite frequent, that I should use painkillers. I started to think about how bad it was to constantly use a medication and so I stopped and now I only use painkillers if the pain impairs my ability to function so much. 

Do you know what sucks sometimes?

Talking to so many people.

In college, in my classes, I am probably the girl who someone has come to to bitch about you.

I am probably the person who has heard both sides of the argument and you are probably the people, unaware.

It is so bad. Like, I am the person who hears crap about friends - I now try to stay impartial and try not to say anything bad about the person. I am the person who hasn't told you what I know they think. I am the person probably watching you feign laughter to another joke that you find so not funny.

I am probably a person who would probably be very good at manipulating situations and exploiting situations. It is weird, really.

I don't know, just thoughts

I have come so far. 

It's really great. Like, I look back right, and I think, wow. 

Look at how much I have developed. 

Look at how much I have done. 

Look at how much times have changed. 

I remember the girl before, right, and like she would not have thought life would get this good. 

She sort of felt trapped and sealed in between the days and that made her scared and made her feel like, just not existing. She just wanted to stop feeling, To disappear and she hated her self so much and blamed everything on herself and was just sort of lost, I guess. 

And it's really weird. Or funny. I don't know which. 

She achieved quite a bit, when she didn't consider herself worth while. She didn't acknowledge her efforts or hard work and I think, wouldn't it have been easier if she had faith in herself? If she wasn't just trying so she could prove herself, but if she was trying for personal development?

Now she is on the other side of things and has just been happy for a long time. She never would have thought that was possible. It is weird. People are always asking her how she is the happiest person ever, as if it is something that just happens over night. 

It doesn't. It really does not. 

2016

Okay, so it is 2016 tomorrow.

I cannot wait to cross a day of my calendar.

I have never had a calendar before.

This post is basically, me just looking back at 2015.


Awkwardest moment - I have had many embarrassing and awkward moments this year. It's not even funny. I think the most awkward would have to be talking to my boss and like stuttering for a minute and forgetting why I was there and her looking at me like, you are really weird.

Most inappropriate thing said - Well I cannot remember much of the inappropriate stuff I have said. It was probably an innuendo to Gonkie (Goncalo, an old high school friend, sort of).

Worst moment - when I cried in front of my parents. I do not think I ever have, since I was a baby, so yeah, it was sort of a big deal. My dad did not talk to me for a week or so, because he felt guilty about making me cry and feel upset. Like I do not mind being vulnerable but in front of parents, nope.
Also, not talking to my younger brother for 2 weeks. He was angry that I pushed him.

Weirdest conversation - I think it was talking about beheading with Hasan on the bus. Weird, because I did not see it coming. We were both sat together awkwardly. I was raking my brain thinking, jheez, just say something. Then he started talking about beheadings and whilst I think it is important to talk about current affairs and the news, I was still sort of like, huh? When he got of the bus, Mahamood looked at me sort of questioningly as to why I was smiling and I was like, we were talking about beheadings. I wasn't smiling because I was talking about beheadings. I was just sort of trying to wrap my head around it.

Most adventurous moment - I think I will have to put going to Oxford. NCS was quite the adventure. I got to try out new things and meet new people. However, I have chosen going to Oxford, because first of all, I was outside of London, all by myself. I went on strolls in the evening with friends and I had the freedom to explore - well within limits, I guess, but still.

Happiest moment - 4A's for A levels. I cried. I even bought myself a happy meal after. There have been so many though. I feel happy whenever I see my friends. I feel happy when I read a good book or when I am doing something I like. Most of this year has been happy. So if I were to make a 2015 Happy list, I would still be typing this time next year. I particularly enjoyed getting on the buses with Agata and Amelia and walking to Wembley with Lamis. Really made me start mornings off happy.

Saddest moment - Well, I guess, applying for Oxford was a bit of a sad time for me, because I was so like sucked out of energy and enthusiasm. I would literally think, I don't want to study. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to bother. I even thought, I just don't want to leave the house this morning and get up early. And usually, I love to wake up early. All things that I guess make up the person I am, studying, talking, motivation and enthusiasm and it was temporarily gone. It was sad because of the stress. There was getting my personal statement perfect and my peers were like, why are you stressing, the deadline is in January. Or like, I think you are obsessing with your personal statement a bit too much. The ones who weren't were like, jheeze, you have the grades and you are applying to Oxford and have so much potential, whilst I am a piece of crap. You have no right to be stressed or feel down. Mike was telling me that my statement was not personal enough and careers were telling to remove personal stuff out. Then, there was the TSA preparation. It was so easy to doubt myself. Verbal reasoning is not my strong point. I can write essays, but they aren't always good. There was also that I sort of slipping grade wise. Also, that my parents were not on board with my decision. It was either I concede and be a pushover or that I go against my parents and disappoint.

Thing I regret the most - I don't know about that... hmmmmm. I am not really thinking about what if's and I could haves because I look at my life, and I am content with it.

Most shocked moment - Getting an Oxford interview. Still feels surreal. Like, me? I am actually good enough to get an Oxford interview?

I have had a bunch of other moments that I forgot to categorize. Really, I think my friends and family have made this year a great one for just sort of being there and I am happy that I can look back at the year and like think, I was never alone and always cared about.

Au revoir