Excuses

It is so easy to form an excuse. 

I do not jog on a period so that I do not loose too much blood. 

I do not try diet because I have tried before and it does not work. 

I did not stand up for myself because I thought it was my fault. 

I do not do anything when people use me because I put myself int the position. 

Those are just a few of the excuses that I have told myself. 

Yesterday, I was supposed to be meeting a friend from High school. I did want to see her but it did not feel right - I wanted her to make an excuse or for me to make one. 

It looks like it will rain.

I might get a headache. 

My mum wants me to do something for her. 

The thing about these excuses are that they are all fiction and I think, why do I have to make something up that is not true to tell someone that I would rather stay at home because I literally have not been in my own house, before 6 - 7 pm for ages.

The things about excuses is that they are just thongs we tell herself.

I can jug on a period if I feel like it. 

I can diet it I try 

I can stand up for myself if I try 

Whilst I put myself in the position where someone can take advantage, I can stand up for myself and I could make people aware that I will not stand for being used. 

Consider yourself one of us!

This week, I have been doing work experience in Brampton Health Centre in Kingsbury and tomorrow is my last day and I have to say, I do not want to leave and I wish I told the lady that I would do two weeks instead of one.

On the Monday, I did not know what to do. I came and stood in front of the office waiting for the person in front of me to deal with their enquiry and when the receptionist saw me, she told me to come inside and I stood awkwardly till I felt as if she had given me permission to sit.

Then I just sort of sat around all day. I did 5 hours of shredding. At first I was fascinated by the machine - I need one of them, I thought - but when paper got jammed, I thought, well, why am I not surprise, I screwed up something. Rita - one of the receptionists told me that I should not let the shredder get too hot and what did I do? Let it get hot. I thought that she would shout at me but instead she just laughed.

The nurse was quite cool. She let me ask questions but that was only for like an hour or so.


On Tuesday, I felt a little more comfortable and confident. On the Monday, I avoided looking at people in the eyes and sat there indifferent when they were laughing. Today, I met an actual doctor. He was so nice to me. He came into the office and instead of looking at me and then deciding that I did not exist, he introduced himself to me, asked for my name and told me that at 9:30 I could go sit in with him and watch GP appointments. Which, quite frankly, I was eager to do, compared to all the' shredding. I was a bit anxious - he made it clear that I could, in fact should ask questions. I had a couple of questions, but they were all the usual typical questions that he probably heard lots of time before.

I asked them anyway, so I seemed interested - which I actually was. I asked why he became a doctor and his reply struck me by so much surprise that I could not wipe the surprise of my face for him not to see it. 'You tell me.' He said. And he was serious. If I want to be a doctor, he continued, then I had to answer the question when applying for Uni's and interviews, so he was giving me an opportunity to answer from what I observed, why he did the job.

He asked me to answer the question, then I stuttered and said, because it is a constant challenge. It was, from what it seemed. 10 - 15 minutes for each patient. Language barrier - most of the patients today did not speak English as a first language, so despite the limited time frame, he he would have to communicate using English and gestures to explain something to someone who barely knew English. In addition to this, the patients weren't exactly knowledgeable about their own situation so they would throw out bits and bobs and he would have to prioritize and discard information, all in 10 - 15 minutes. For instance, some people may say inflammation of chest when it is really lower down in the abdomen that had problems. Also, everything was a new situation. Every 10 - 15 minutes, he would be given a brand new puzzle to solve. One minute, a young girl with tonsillitis, then the next, an old man with knee pains even though he had been given two knee replacement surgeries.

He had to deal with other non patient issues as well. For instance, NHS cut backs and the ageing population. It is a job, he said, that really engages the mind. You have to be compassionate and communicate well and want to help people. You have to be nosy. I also realized that as well as being compassionate and caring about the patient, you have to be not afraid to carry out something intrusive, for instance a smear test. He made me watch a - I do not know what he was called but he was looking up a lady's genital area for something.


The receptionists were so cool. They had a box of chocolates on the desk and every now and then told me to take one. They also talked to me and made jokes. I had to do quite a bit of filing. By Wednesday, I had warmed to them and did not find it awkward talking to them and even joking back.  :)

There was this lady - Bharti - whose mum died. I knew because she kept telling people as to explain why she went on holiday. She is a little lady for 57 and had long black hair with several gray streaks, but it suits her regardless. The room where I was filing is a small room with the words, 'Private' and a 'keep shut, fire door.' It is not a fire door, though. It is sort of the garage. It has: lots of files; a desk with a microwave; tumble dryer, washing machine, mini fridge, boxes and a cupboard with coffee and tea making equipment. Therefore, I was never alone for too long as a member of staff kept coming in to make coffee or tea or just hot water (for Rita, who was dieting).

Bharti came in and started to make conversation. We were talking about what subjects I do, then she asked how long I was there for and I said 9 - 4 and then she said she worked longer before but had to cut her hours because it was too much. Then, she said that she was angry. Like in a tiny, not so angry voice. I did not want to be rude and ignore her but i did not want to be intrusive either and ask why. However, deciding it was the nicest option to ask why, I did. She said it was because of Northwick Park Hospital where her mum died. They had a story today about how they did not feed or water the old people there and how they just let them die. She went there asking them for them to release her so they could take her home where she would be comfortable, but they said no and then she died. It was so sad. Like, she was actually crying. I did not know what to do. I felt helpless, like what do I do or say? I can't exactly brush it over. But then I thought imagine how much more helpless she must feel, so I got up and hugged her and gave her tissue.

In the afternoon, I sat with Mariam. She is 18 and really nice. :)

Thursday, today, I sat with the nurse. A different one this time. She was quite really nice, explaining everything and even letting me feel the patients pulse and look up one patients ear. She let me stay in the room for a smear test - which I really did not want to. The patient could not speak English. She asked her if she was sexually active and the patient said no. The nurse asked 'Virgin?' loudly and she replied 'Yes.' The nurse must have doubted this so she called in an Arabic translator who translated that the lady had children. Unless she was the virgin Mary or God had given her a miracle, I doubt she was a virgin.

A man and his mother came in. He was quite rude to the nurse. She called him a wanker afterwards and got so angry,

Tomorrow is my last day. :( I want to stay there forever. I already feel part of the furniture.

I will really actually miss it. I am glad I did it despite dreading it at first. I feel a bit more confident at the moment, so that is good. Also, I am thinking. Perhaps I should do medicine?

Okay, before, I did not want to because I had no conviction myself. I only wanted to do it because my Dad wants me to become a doctor and he always keeps pulling shit like before I die... I felt coerced sort of to go into a path I did not want to which scared me. I did not want to become a doctor. However, I got that a bit wrong. I do not want to become a hospital Doctor. I realize now, there are other possibilities like GP Doctor or Psychiatrist. After this work experience, I do not feel as if I am compromising my feelings or life to do something I do not want to. Imagine that? Dr Moronfolu. However, I want a more active lifestyle - GP's sit a lot. I think perhaps I do not want to become a hospital doctor as I got the role messed up a bit in my head because of shows like Scrubs where the doctors all raise around to save a patients life and they die - whilst that is the reality for some doctors - there are other pathways as well such as a children's doctor or gynecologist or something.

I feel like an idiot. I was scared of the monster under my bed that I wasn't even sure was a monster. I mean, i did no research into the career but just feared going into medicine because I felt like the only reason why I was considering it was because of expectations. However, it is just as broad as Psychology and if I did it, I would probably be able to find a career I would like. That being said, does not mean I will apply for medicine in September. I just feel a bit more empowered, confident and informed about my future.


I will, I should, have a look about careers in Psychology. SHIT..... I just realized I can message Judy. :) Hahahaha that's the good thing about Facebook. Also, I will ask the lady who is an educational Psychologist in church and I will ask Miss Saeed if I can talk to her mum about psychology pathways as she is a family psychologist.

I saw a picture of Agata and her brother in Poland, with I think, candy floss on Facebook. I cannot help but think, why can't you be here instead of Poland though I feel a bit bad because she looked like she was having fun. But is just sort of sucks right. Like I do not k now how she is doing or anything and the only way to find out is Facebook. 

Today, in church, they did a service where they were 'celebrating youth' in the church and where they were heading next. It was weird; people who I haven't seen for years (well that is an exaggeration) turned up. 

They made most of the young people who were heading in new directions to stand up in front of the congregation - like 50 to 60 people. I was stood there and people were looking front and I was just looking down at the ground like please swallow me up. It was ridiculous. I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed and nervous for no reason. 

lacking punctuation

i am not about punctuation at the moment
deal with it

okay

the careers adviser in college is really really nice but i am worried she is pushing me to pursuit something i really do not want to do
she tries her hardest for me
she is adamant that i get specific work experience in the field of medicine so she asked gps and hospitals on my behalf and she let me borrow her medicine books that were not strictly on loan for students

she tried northwick park and a gp in egdware and no reply
i was really happy to be honest

but i felt really really bad
like she is trying so hard for me but i am just not

so i went round to gps looking for work experience
13 said no
i hate feeling rejected
like flat out no
was it something about me

however i was happy regardless
really happy

victoria a friend keen on medicine had told me time ago about a gp in kingsbury that made it so easy and let you do work experience
i kept trying to avoid it
i was like there are like 50 gps in brent closer to me
i eventually went
i felt that even if i do not want to go into medicine i should go through it
make an informed decision
and most importantly not let down the careers advisor
because she was trying so hard for me

so i have gp work experience
for a week
they suggested 2 weeks
and i was like no
i need to revise for my ukcat
which i did not think i would
i was prepared to fail in it

but then tonight right
i got an email from the careers advisors daughter
who is a gp
and she is trying to get me work experience where she works

okay i feel like an asshole
i mean so many people doing medicine would love an opportunity for someone else to do all the searching for them
and hospital work experience? that is a dream for most people aspiring to do medicine
hospitals reject
here i am not wanting to do medicine
with that opportunity
just because the careers advisor likes me
and and and and and
like she is even bothering her daughter
to help me to

so i think
oh gosh i better not fail that ukcat
that is a slap in the face

i can hang in there till september
then find the courage to say i do not want to do medicine

what do you think are the odds of that happening

me finding courage within myself
me using my voice to say no to something i do not want
me going against others expectations
me living my life on my own accords

quite pretty slim

i am the girl who let people be mean because i could not stand up for myself
i am the girl who lives in expectations
i am the girl who tries to please people
i am avoiding the word pushover
i am the girl who has been wanting to talk to this lady in church for over a year and i have never so much as started a conversation - actually i did once but that was because it was expected of me and i felt pressured to do so from the lady who told me about her
i am the girl who did a girls btec work she wasn't even like my friend or anything

well there

i should not accept that
i know i should not
i know i know i know i know i know
i hated myself once
i started liking me
i do not respect myself enough evidently
i treat myself like a bin
i do not exercise as much as i should
i over eat
though i consider it a bit good that i do not use laxatives and pills or vomit
i want to lose weight and be healthy
not in an unhealthy way
i haven't gained wait for a while actually
i am under 100 kg a bit under though
i want to learn how to swim
but i am scared of people watching me
and thinking she doesnt belong and she is ugly and fat and a freak
i think sometimes that is what people think
i feel hideous sometimes
like ewh look at me
i sometimes dread being around crowds and leaving the house
but i force myself to anyway
and try to ignore myself
its hardest like the first days of term
i feel so so so so so like people are watching and because i am an anomoly
but the days after are easier
i find that if i create a good impression and i am happy and smiley and if i so not eat much around other people that they may perhaps see me as having a nice inside and judge me based on the inside
there are just the people who stuff like this do not matter around
like bob :) love her
i am missing her loads at the moment
i just want a hug
and to hear her voice or something
i feel like i would lose my mind without her
perhaps theres a chance i am losing my mind with her

what was i on about

i never intended to like complain so much
wow
that all just sort of came out

ugh i really do not want september to come

i am worried
when aren't i
i am probably predisposed to worry
i always always do
about what people think the future
i started revising a levels in the summer because i was worried i would fail
i try to please others because i am worried i will fail them
i worry that people just do not want me around
i worry that i am a burden on others
i remember i told mrs hamdoun that i was a liability and she told me never to use that word again and i tried not to
i worry that i live my life for other people
i worry that my parents will die
i worry that what i say is the last thing i will say to a person
i worry that before the next time i will see a person they will be dead
i am such an irrational mess sometimes
people think i am organised
i worry i am not happy enough
i worry that i do not deserve my best friend and i have not made up for my faults and year 11
i worry that she thinks about how much of a horrible person i am and i am worried she questions whether she is my friend sometimes
i worry i am too needy and loud


oh yeah
i was going to make a point about courage
 hahahahah yeah its so weird and cool actually

in  church there was this priest andrew
he was leaving
it was around year 11 when i was having a bad time
there was a church service
for his leaving
he had a sermon
then pulled out two baskets of tennis balls with words written all over them
they were like 100
he had a tennis racket
he then started to throw and hit balls into the congregation
and told us that we would catch something that we will need
the words had stuff like 'compassion' 'love' 'friendship' and 'courage'
i was thinking wow this is an absolute health and safety violation

guess which tennis ball i caught
the one saying 'courage'

hahahaha

i thought, i do not need courage
i needed courage then
i felt broken completely
i can't even understand fully why
things were falling apart
i felt hollow
i needed courage to talk
to not just let myself live in the mess i created

i had it then

i need it now and in the months to follow

i need the courage to first and foremost and most importantly trust myself
15/08/14 - 'always trust yourself and your decisions!' Mrs Saeed told me through email
hahaha i wrote that down
i have a book of words that inspire me
it is easier said than done
i was about to call it ironic
i trust others more than i trust myself
but i am not so sure if that is true really
hmmmmm thats food for thought i guess

not now though
i need sleep

Also thank you God wherever you are and if you are reading this somewhere up there or something.
Thanks for my talents and abilities and thank you for giving me the ability to articulate myself and thank you for always throwing opportunities. There are times when I think, well what if all the doors are closed? What if there is nothing left for me? What if I should just dwindle in defeat but you have always got something planned.

:)

Good night

I am happy
i am really
i am not trying to convince myself that
i want to cry to be honest
but there is quite a bit of happiness too

okay really

goodnight now :)

i listened to miley cyrus the climb
it is quite good

i typed in motivational music on youtube
i skipped the relationship based ones
and listened to some
and i think i prefer sad florence and the machine songs

i get why florence writes so many songs about water
the feel of it is amazing
i went hyde park to the fountains with Agata before she left
and it felt refreshing

My First Article :)

I joined the BHP youth news paper. BHP stands for Brent Housing Partnership. I felt really out of place. Half the people there wanted to do something English based. There was one who did an actuary sciences degree and one who wanted to 'be a physicist' and 'die happy.' No surprise - he was male.

We were discussing the August 2015 edition. This girl was doing an article on this boy in her class who started a tie dye company. There was this other guy talking about Brent - Eton summer school. I felt like I had contributed nothing so I mentioned that perhaps an article about the change of A levels should be put in and I was then asked to write it. 

So here it is:

In an attempt to make A levels more challenging and rigorous, as of September 2015, A levels are set to change. The changes to A levels are to be phased in. From September 2015, changes will be introduced for subjects such as Biology, Chemistry and English. However, Maths and other subjects will be introduced in 2016 or 2017. Exams will be linear - they will be taken at the end of two years. This will make retaking, if not impossible, a lot harder.

However will the decision to make A levels harder and limit retakes benefit students?

First of all, how will UCAS work after the reform? Teachers and UCAS rely on your AS grades to predict A2 grades. Surely not having AS grades will make the process of UCAS more strenuous for both parties? Students will not have any way to indicate their ability except for GCSE grades. However, relying in GCSE's alone can be misleading.

Conversely, reducing the amount of retakes may drive up standards. Some students, possibly under the assumption that they can retake the next year, do not try their hardest. However, only getting one shot will encourage some students to take A levels more seriously.

Wouldn't that be better preparation for University, where one is unable to retake a year?

Also, the new system may be better for selecting candidates for University. If you have retaken a subject 3 times then you will probably be more likely to get an A* in the subject than someone who has only taken the exam once. Imagine a person who retakes twice A levels twice and gets A*A*A on the second attempt. A second person with a similar personal statement and same A levels gets an A*AA first time round. Only one can be picked. Who do you take? The one who managed to get a good grade the first time or the one who got higher? With the reforms to A levels students who get their grades the first time may have a fairer opportunity in the selection process.

However, the burden put on young adults should be considered. Stress creeps into aspects of everyday life and the amount of stress in doing all your exams for two years in one will be a lot. One shot to get it right! One shot to get the grades you need, so that you can get into the University you want to, doing the course you want to and able to pursue the job you want to afterwards.

Whether the reforms for A levels will hinder students or encourage students to reach their potential will be left to time to tell.

Induction

Today was the Wembley Library induction.

I sent my friends all the application for the Wembley Library volunteer because they were all complaining about not having work experience.

Guess who did not submit it? All of them.

One friend was  like, no, I do not want to go beach with the estate, ewh, or I do not want to do work experience with the Library or go to the Suffra food kitchen because it is all so close and local.

What is so hard about doing things? What is so hard about putting in 3 hours a week or less even to invest in your future? Everything for most of the people I seem to know. People complain about being bored. People complain about not knowing where to start. People complain about a lack of opportunities. Then when one comes along, people make excuses. I mean, it is sad really. In classes, people are like, it is unfair that you got an A in that mock and I got a D. I am like did you study and they are like no. I am like what did you do instead and they are like I was just sort of bored. Texting. On Youtube watching stuff. Just the usual. How do people expect to get stuff done if they have no ambition?



Anyway, on to the induction.

I wore a skirt. It was a pretty skirt. :)

It was okay for me. There were many familiar faces. There was Agoro, Joy, and four librarians.

However, Fiona walked around numbering us and told us to go sit with our numbers. Alas - none of us were permitted to linger in a false sense of security and be with people we knew. We were told to talk to the person next to us. The first new friend all of us would make. Well not friend, but compared to everyone else who we did not know, we would be on better terms with them.

I turned around to this guy Leo who goes St Dominics and knows Lamis. He was really cool. He whispered comments every now and then to me.

We were made to do a test to see how well we knew the library. I knew my team would win because I had done the test last year and not to my surprise, the majority was the same. Agoro had also done the test last year too so I considered her my biggest competition.

I took the paper before anyone else could and began to scribble in answers. We were asked to write down 6 names of best sellers and one we put was 50 shades of grey. :P

My group - the famous five - eventually won. Obviously.


We were then asked to read a book and make a task out of it in 20 minutes and the book I got was Goldilocks and just the one bear. A take of the story where the bear goes into Goldilocks house. The bear is now an adult, anxious and scared about the city. Goldilocks is now a mother. At the end, both recognize each other and decide to live together which was quite cool.

The Famous Five soon became six when another guy joined. He could draw a really cool cactus!

I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT UNABLE TO GET BACK TO SLEEP AND I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT LIFE.

I THOUGHT FIRSTLY ABOUT HOW BLESSED I AM TO HAVE A LARGE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING GOING ON - BOREDOM IS OUT OF THE QUESTION! I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A TV SHOW ABOUT MY FAMILY.

I THOUGHT AS WELL THAT I AM LUCKY TO HAVE GREAT BROTHERS AND SISTERS. DESPITE OUR TENDENCY TO BE AGGRESSIVE -  PREDISPOSED BY GENES INHERITED BY MY MUM I THINK - THEY ARE ALL PRETTY COOL PEOPLE.

I LOVE ESPECIALLY HOW EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT IN THEIR OWN WAY. TO JOY, I CAN TALK ABOUT MY OPINIONS ON SOCIETY. TO TOBI, WHOSE MOST LIKE A FRIEND COMPARED TO THE REST, WE SPEND LIKE 20 MINUTES TALKING ABOUT EACH OTHERS DAYS. I AM SO IMMERSED IN HER HIGH SCHOOL DRAMAS. WE TALK ABOUT GUYS, COOL PLACES WE WANT TO GO AND WE MAKE JOKES AND WATCH TV SHOWS TOGETHER ON THE LAPTOP.