It's actually quite nice weather outsie

I am sat outside at the moment feeling like an idiot. I do not want to go inside because my parents will be angry at me and I do not want to apologise. However, I look like a tramp, I have revision to do, I have no internet out here and I really need the toilet. So I may go back in sooner than I want.  I have been crying and talking out loud to myself so I think maybe the Somalian looking family having a picnic think I am weird? I cry when I am angry or upset or angry and upset or sometimes a stressed. Hahaha I'm such a cry baby.  I called Agata. I had my phone in my hand and thought I want to talk to Bob and so I called but like I couldn't and I hated myself for calling because I didn't say anything and I must have made her feel like I do not trust her and like worried as well and I felt bad because I do not want her to deal with me as a mess. I was horrible last year. I sorta stormed out. My mum got angry unnecessarily at me and started blaming me and shouting at me and calling me a rubbish child and I got angry too and shouted stuff I probably should not have but that's true, regardless.  She always blames others. She takes it in turn to blame us on how we are causing the problems in her life and marriage. She blames me for small things and takes every opportunity to put us down and make us feel crap about ourselves whilst she just sits at home all day watching films on the laptop. She literally never gets up.  Everything I do is eithet wrong or not good enough. She makes it my responsibility to fill in forms online, do the food shopping for the house. It is my responsibility to look after my youngest sister and to take her out. It is my responsibility to wash all the plates and clean the kitchen and to throw out all the rubbish. I sometimes feel like I am the mum here. Like everyone is always so lazy.  Leaving plates everywhere. I can do it.But I mean like treat me more human please. Its always like there is more you can do. You aren't trying hard enough. You're stupid and pathetic and this and that for not doing more. I am always being told I am not good enough by my mum. So today when she shouted at me I thought, you know what I am going to shout mean stuff like you do so you know how I feel. I hit her where it hurts too and called her lazy. I didn't feel bad but I started to cry. 

Psychosexual theory of development

In my psychology exam on Monday, there was a 12 marker that asked to describe the stages of personality and evaluate the pscyhosexual theory of development. They are both two different things, which sort of threw me off. 

I was packing my stuff today when I realised, that Freud may not be all nonsense. He taled about the Oedipus complex, which is where according to him, every 3 year old boy starts to develop unconsious sexual desires for their mother and want to kill their father so they boy can have his mum to himself. Messed up, huh? That, is one of the bits I consider to be nonsense. He tries explain how we develop. Says we go through the oral, anal, phallic, latency and genital stage. The anal stage is from 2-3 years old where you develop appropriate control through learning how to potty train. You can become fixated in a stage if it does not happen right. The anal stage fixations are either being very stubborn, controllive and tidy or being very lack of control, very messy, and like not tight with money.

I bring this up because if I think, if Freud were alive he would say I am fixated in the anal stage. I mean, like all my things right now are on the floor. I have three bin bags behind my drawer containing bags of stuff for the recycling bin. I gave up on folding my clothes into my drawer and its hanging on up everywhere or tossed in my drawer or on my bed or chairs. All the rest of my stuff that is not on the floor or messed up is scattered on the table or heaped on my desk. I am so definitely the opposite of tidy. 

One down, eight to go

For my GCSE exams I still have my timetable, with all the exams crossed out. I intend to keep my one from this year too.

Today's exam was psychology and it was so good. I mean, they could have thrown in all the hardest, complicated things into the exam, but instead, they gave it to us, easy. :) That reminds me of an episode of Doctor who. The giant human bee could have taken Agatha Christe with him, but instead showed mercy.

So yeah, psychology was good. And Evelin gave me her overhead headphones so I could block people out. :)

Parent's evening

I had a good day.

It is weird. I walked around feeling empowered.

Let's start from yesterday. I threw out most of my maths things - believe me, that helped. I felt like I was in control of the situation. I could recycle the paper or throw it in the bin - that was my decision. I could do something wreckless - throw out stuff before an exam - or just let things pile up on my shelf.

Today, I felt good. Woke up to my mum shouting at six, because that is what she does. I drank some coffee and sorted out my maths stuff. Then I left to College. It was raining and windy but I walked regardless. I went to meet up with Lamis an old friend for high school and together we walked in the rain. She had an umbrella, but I was not too keen to go under it I hate umbrellas, okay?

I met Amelia and Agata at the bus stops and broke heart breaking news to them. This was the last time that we would meet in the mornings, until potentially next year. Agata literally had stones in her bag, because she found stones on the beach on Monday and could not resist bringing it for show and tell on the bus. :) She's a crazy one.

I had a good day. I got my Psychology mock back. I got 91 percent. My highest A yet. :) I felt a little less stressed about it.

Madvhi, Chen and Victoria all wanted to revise after college. I lied that I had a GP appointment. :) I got the bus with Mahamood. I really did miss him. I met Simrayn, his friend, who is so friendly. She was talking to me like she knew me when Mahamood introduced me to him. Well not like she knew me, but like she was did care who I was. Like, she wasn't one of those person who when you get introduced to, they are just sort of like, I do not care who you are.

I went Wembley Library and it was packed as hell. I bumped into a friend, and she was in a mess and worried that she had no idea where she is going with life and she thought she was a failure and was just in a bad state, so we kind of talked in the rain and she came Tesco with me and witnessed me buying broccoli, tomatoes and a pear.

I went to my brother's parents evening. I am glad I did. I really am. I first went to see my old form tutor and I was really sort of like nervous to approach. At first there was a kid and their parent in front of her, so I was just awkwardly looking down at my phone, pretending to text.

Then when they went, I was sort of like, hey and then she hugged me and we talked. Like it was my brothers parents evening but we were talking about me. I love her.  :) I really really missed her so much. It was weird, seeing her in person after so much time, but it felt sort of natural. I have been wanting to see her for so long that I was so happy. During year 11, she was there for me so much. In was literally in her class, lunch times, mornings, after school, break times. When she was not there, her things were. She would leave her laptop in her open bag and you would find bits and bobs on her desk. One time there were paints and she was like it was for throwing at her year 10's. On my birthday, my friend left me a note and I lost it and I was sat on her chair like two days after and there is my friend's note saying 'Dear Olugbemi' on her desk.

Like we were sat there like 15 minutes just talking and it made me happy that she was like still the same person and she was happy that I seemed happy and like I liked college.

I talked to my brother's maths teacher. Mrs Murungi. She is great. She pushes people to do better. if I did not do further maths GCSE with her as my teacher, I would be so scared about A level maths.

The building was the same. It felt natural walking through it. Like I belonged there. But I guess I have closer, a bit.

I realise it is good I left.

It was so funny because it was my brothers parents evening but much was asked about me first. :)

Evelyn

I love this girl so much. She totally just made my day today.

What happened was that we arranged to meet up at 11. It past 11 by 5 minutes and I started to think that she was not going to turn up and that she had stood me up and then I started to think, some people never turn up, like Hayat, and Umi sometimes. June never turns up on times. Then I thought, Evelyn is not one of those people - she's reliable, so I was like, don't waste time getting angry that she was not where we were supposed to meet, but instead, call her. I called her and went to go find her. She was like 2 minutes away, looking for me, because there are many Euston stations.

I got on the bus with her and we were just talking. It is a bit sad, when I ask her about things sometimes. I worry for her. She never gets enough sleep because she always has something to do. Full time work and revision. From time to time I notice she has a new bruise - she does them by accident, when she is at work, because she is a chef. Whenever I ask, she just laughs and says something like, oh, I am an idiot. Then there are the times when she talks about work and how unfair people treat her and she laughs about it to. Whenever I say a situation is unfair on her, she laughs and sorts of shrugs off my comment. The sad things is that she is tries to stay optimistic. Most of the stories she says are in hindesight and I think about when they actually happen and can imagine a person who isn't okay, isn't smiling, and does not think it's okay.

I went to her house today and met her room mates. There are so many! They are so old too. They all said hi the first time they saw me and then ignored my existence for the rest of the day, which I was grateful of, but found awkward, nevertheless. When I went to the toiler, there were three of them congregated in the kitchen and I opened the door. When a person makes a movement, it obviously goes noticed, likewise with sound. I could feel them literally looking at me, then turn around thinking, you are a stranger and I have nothing to do with you.

I had a lot of fun. We revised psychology. First inside. Then we had lunch. Evelyn then made some oven Pizza for lunch. We also had magnum and grapes and just sat there talking. then we went outside to revise and there were like mini statues of dogs and other animals, which I forget. When we got really cold, we retreated back inside. where we revised, then talked about stuff. We talked about Mike, our psychology teacher, who is just so awesome, We talked about religion, suicide the weather and just life in general and just random stuff. It was so funny. We were discussing why females are apparently less likely to shoot themselves in the face.

She followed me to the train station and was trying to insist on topping up my oyster card with five pounds and following me.

So yeah, thought like writing a blog post

Yesterday I went on a jog and I was listening to music and the thing that is on the head phone got stuck in my ear. It does normally but I take it out. Anyway, what happened yesterday is that it took me two minutes to get it out and I was so worried that it would permanently get stuck in my ear and that I would go deaf and so when I finally removed it, I throw my headphones at the side of the road and continued jogging. I will not be using head phones from now on and if I decide otherwise I will have to invest in some overhead ones that do not get stuck in your ear.

I started reading the perks of being a wallflower. Zeinab told me it was a heavy book and I did not understand then.  Now I do. It is like one of the weirdest books I have read and I haven't been sure through out the book whether this weird is good or bad. It makes sense when you read it. The boy who is writing the letters talks about this song asleep and he calls it infinite. It's by the Smiths. I listened to it and I got the feeling that it was about feeling so fed up about life that you do not want to continue any more.

It is a compelling book so far though. It has been the first book that I have been proper into after Harry Potter.

It is weird though. Teenagers are shown to be so promiscuous. It is like, okay, you go on two dates with a guy then you're sleeping with him. Then they break up and then it happens again with another guy and so on. It is disgusting. Then smoking and getting stoned is shown as the norm. The books creates the idea that for teenagers, if you are not a stoner going to parties every night, making out with someone who you probably have never had a proper conversation with, then you are a 'nobody.'

*Shiver* I resent the way this works.
I really hate the way being a teenager is shown to be so aimless. I would never drink, smoke or get stoned or have casual sex with random people or go to parties where people do that or get pregnant. When I was reading the book, I felt pity. I know it is just a book, but if it is a reality for people, then  they must have sad lives.

On Saturday, I went to the British Library with Agata. She is so stubborn. Why can't she just ask? We walked around for 20 minutes looking for her mum's friend and she would not listen when I told her to ask someone.

We did so much walking, but it was fun. We went Regent's park and she got so scared when I pretended to push her in. We went Paddington station and went back into Wembley and went into Cex. It was a great day :)

Exams soon and I am getting like a bit worried. Like not major worried like most of the people in college must be, but I am starting to doubt my own ability.

Bus journeys

Before when I started Harrow College, I thought I would get fed up of the long bus journeys. Well one hour is long, if you think about it, especially when before, my journeys used to take half that time.

I like the bus journeys though. they are quite cool. I started to get into Harry Potter recently and a lot of my bus time was spent reading.

Yes, packed buses are ridiculously annoying, but bus journeys are quite fun.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I get on the bus with Agata and Amelia, who are friends of mine that go to a sort of different college from me. I always bring news papers and normally when I arrive, it is just Amelia there and I ask her how she is and she always says tired. Most of the times Agata and I read Rush hour crush out loud on the bus, and people say pretty creepy things to people they do not know, but see most of the time. A couple of the times, it's sort of borderline romantic. Like, I guess when there a person is replying to another person and there was one from this Essex boy who addressed a message to all girls.

The bus home today was fun. There was no Mahamood because his Sociology class got cancelled and no Visvha either. When I got to the bus stop, I thought, wow, I need to pee, so I went to the shopping centre. It was so funny, because there was literally like a cue. There was this guy waiting in it, thinking that it was the males toilet. I decided that waiting there would be fruitless so I went back to the bus station and went to the toilet there. It smelt of piss and all I wanted to do was get out from there. Funnily enough, a man, another old Asian guy, cam into the toilet. He saw me in there - not the toilet but outside where the sinks are - and we just stared at each other confused. I went back out to check the sign on the door - yep, it was females. When I got back, he was like is this the males and I was like, no, then he went out. I used the toilet and when I got out and walked down a bit, I saw the guy I have a crush on and I waved at him. Then I thought, hmmm, should I go towards him, but then I was like, I have no idea what to say or do and like this will get awkward, so I made a sharp U turn to outside of the  bus station. I saw my friend Xiao. She is so cute. The other day she went to the vending machine and brought back a pack of crisp for Misha and Mrs Sen - the only two people in the class.

Eventually, the 182 came and Hasan came out to get on the bus and he said something his oyster card and I went on about how I always loose mine and then I turn back to Xiao and said, you are not the shortest one here, because there were some short old ladies in front of us.

I went to the top deck and sat next to Xiao and we were talking for a while and then I leaned forward and started laughing and she was like why and I was pointing at a guy I know until he saw it was me.


Suleyman <3 p="">
He gave the 'oh crap, here comes trouble look.' He dedicated a lot of the journey on discussing how much less of a psycho I am. His friend besides him was like, hello, I am *insert name that begins with Z* because I forgot.

The guy behind Suleyman and the guy whose name I cannot for the life of me remember, was like, do you guys want to sit next to each other and we were both like no. Then his friend turns to Xiao after like 15 minutes after he had established my name and asked, oh yeah, what is your name by the way?

It was a fun journey.

Then Hasan got up and I was like, should I go with him of the bus and I followed him off. I felt bad because I sort of abandoned him on the bus. I kept on talking, not wanting it to be awkward and I brought up the weather - plan B when you have nothing to talk about because British People are obsessed with weather. He talks a lot. I think, he talks a lot more than me actually, which is funny. It's weird how much I know about him. He told me once that he was inspired by Anne Frank's diary and that when he was in year 4 - if I can remember correctly - he wrote a poem about fear and then he read it like later and it brought tears to him. When he said that I was sort of like, who says that, like in a good way.

I am so used to hearing people say stuff about like 'oh my Gosh, that guy is so hot, his jaw line.' Or like, 'look what this person posted on instagram/Facebook/Twitter.' I am just like, okay, it is great if a guy looks hot, but I mean, what is the worth of a hot guy you cannot even talk to?