To love and be loved and to remind others that they are loved.
To write. To talk. To laugh.
To try. Try to be helpful and to overcome.
To suffer and survive and to learn from it
To cry
To make my own definitions
To alter my own inherited perceptive
through this journey
To be good enough
To be me
To proudly be me
To try be good
To inspire
and motivate
to be here
grasp the gift
of time
and
use
it
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
Busy
Yesterday I had a debate with my friend.
I thought, after I come home, I will go and revise
It did not go as planned. Home. Three hours of Doctor who. Next thing is, I am on Whatsapp. I tell my friend I am happy and that I love me and that it is so easy to not love oneself then we go onto the concept of religion and she tries to tell me that my religion is passed down and inaccurate, so I take the same angle and she gets defensive and I think, hang on, you try tell me I am wrong. Fair enough. One cannot be right. But then, I tell you back what you just told me to attack what you believe and you seal the cracks and insist that I am wrong.
Okay, so I was like, oh gosh, I am so busy and I have not got anything done at all.
In the church sermon we were told we choose busy life styles and or we choose to think we are busy and I am thinking about it. That is so true. We choose to go school and uni and to work. I mean, there are laws and stigma guiding us but, then again, we choose to obey.
My aim is to try not to be busy.
I spend way too much time revising. I thought, but I like revising, but I like living too.
I am going to choose not to be busy. I will try not to be busy for my friends, I will try not to be too busy to look after myself. I will try not to, in the illusion of busy, rush a meal and go straight into revision. I will try to sit down and soak in everything and sing along to my music. I will try not to be busy to go on a jog now and again. I will try not be busy to blog and to write and to love and open up my heart.
I will try but I need to take into consideration, some days are better for trying than others.
Today, right now in fact, I will commence. Bye busy. I am putting you aside for now.
Random stuff that has sort of been bugging me
It is weird, the education we receive. I mean, I you have people who have not has an education due to poverty and you have people who are fully educated, but really what is the difference? One has a sheet of paper - no card, fancy card - telling them that they are 'doing we.'
I've been thinking - that is usually what the problem is - and I think, what is an education? It is something that teaches you things, but the things that it teaches, what are the point? I mean, a person could have a full working knowledge of say something like chemistry without having GCSE's or A levels or any formal level of acknowledgement.
I mean, yes, GCSE's and A levels can distinguish from who is good at exams and who is not. It can discriminate between those who put too much hard work in from those who only put a minimal, but really, how can one or two exams tell you what you know, when what you know isn't even a fraction of what you should?
I decided to get back in contact with a couple of people in the previous week. One was a boy and I felt guilty for how we parted. One was a girl and I felt compelled too. She was so wonderful to me, and the beauty of it is that a person does not need to buy you stuff or they do not need to go out of their way with their gestures. I used to get bullied and what she did was she stood up for me. She told the bully that I was actually a nice person. That was 'all' she did, and all she did was so much and she is a person I will never ever forget. In happiness, I will remember to use my words to heal, like she did. In sadness, I will remember that I got over a period of sadness because someone was looking out for me, and that I am not alone.
I also got back in contact with my old form tutor. I love her so much. She was broken. She was happy. She cared and you could relate to her. She was so much for so many and never complained that it was too much and never told you, oh, I am too busy for you. She smelt of perfume and smoke. Life must have got to her; she must have felt stressed and not bothered, but she kept a smile on her face and tried and that it is so easy to say that money and good grades will make you successful, but in general, being a nice person is all you need.
I mean we all want happiness and success, but at what price? Any? If you have to screw over someone else to get what you want, that is a lie and worst of all, you become a joke.
Okay, so there is this guy. It is so easy to say, oh, I am the type of girl who won't fall. I am the type of girl who can resist anyone's charm, and I do not need someone else. But that is just one lying to themselves. I try tell myself that, but he was sat in front of me and I could feel my heart pounding and my brain ordering me not to look up and stare at him because he'd think, she's creepy.
I did eventually and when I looked up, he was looking up and he saw me and I smiled and waved and looked away awkwardly.I really cannot help but think, if that was ANY OTHER GUY, I would have pulled a face. I would have went over and talk to him. I would have felt anything else but awkward and clumsy and embarrassed. Oh and crushed. That is why they call it a crush.
I sat there thinking, notice me, notice me, OH MY GOD notice me. Ask for my number. Say something. Alas, things were not to be.
I like him because he seems interesting.
I first met him in a lesson. Our teacher wanted us to go round and talk to each other and so I did and I started talking to him and he must have just like walked off, I think when I was introducing myself and I thought, well it is not as if I am going to talk to him.
Then this one time I was at the bus stop with a friend and I was talking and being loud and being myself and like sort of walking around and he was there, like, not watching us, but sort of there because he just happened to be, and I thought you are in one of my lessons when I saw him.
Then like I happened to be next to him in one of the lessons and we had to do this group work thing and working with him was a laugh.
Then one lesson, he asked me if people compliment me for talking a lot and I thought, maybe he's being sarcastic and trying to say, yeah, you talk way too much, but he was smiling and looked genuine which sort of intrigued me.
And there is a lot more I could write about, but I feel all ugh, mushy stuff sucks.
This week has been really good.
First of all, I was talking to my brother and he was like, oh yeah, by the way, you have to write a story and send it in email to Mrs Saeed ( my old form tutor) and when I asked him why, he said that he told her that I said I would - even though I had not. However, now I was obliged to because she was expecting me to email her any time soon, and according to my brother, I was already three days late, and when he told her, she was very happy. However, I could not think of a story that would be good, so I thought, let me send a poem. But I did not want to send one that was too soppy or upsetting/ depressing. Like I have written quite a few, but hardly any do not fall into the categories above. My favourite at the moment, conflicting air, is about how we are always and will always be in a constant battle with ourselves and the world.
I went to the British Library with Evelyn. Evelyn is great. Right, she like this 19 year old girl. On the first day, I met Victoria, who literally walked into the tutor group I was in and I was in this overly, I am going to try be confident around the prospect of meeting new people, because last time, I started a new place, I set the impression that you could bully me and get away with it, and that wasn't the one that I wanted to set this time attitude. So she must have come in and I waved at her and said hello and she asked if she could sit next to me and I said of course and so she did and she started talking about Evelyn who was her friend from Hungary, who was also interested in psychology. I recognized Evelyn and started to talk to her in psychology, and the rest, as they say - I don't know who says this to be honest - is history.
I
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Some stuff I've been thinking about
I went Hyde Park with my friend Victoria. My parents thought that I was in the library.
First of all, I would like to go on about how my life literally revolves around library. I never realised until this guy was like 'where are you heading?' and when my reply was library, he told me that I am always in the library. Then I thought, I am not always in libraries - am I? I thought about it; the other day I saw Wendy - she works in the local library outside school - and I said hello to her. it's not just that; I probably talk to most of the librarians who work there and with some it is a first name, sometimes give a hug basis. Then there's the librarian I added on Facebook. I must be there regularly if I have had time to build a rapport. Since this library has opened, I have been there so often that there should probably be a seat reserved for me. Not only did I do work experience there, but I also had my face hanged up on a banner to represent the library and whenever people are like 'let's meet up' we almost always meet up in the library. It is not even that. I go to other libraries for 'a change in scenery.' I realised a couple days after that I spend way too much time in the library. And the thing is, I hardly actually do anything productive; I mostly just talk and procrastinate. The irony is that a lot of people think she goes libraries a lot; that is why she gets good grades - truth is I probably would get a lot more done.
See and it is not just recently; the whole library going thing. In year six I was a library monitor in primary school. In year seven I would go to the library with friends and we would eat lunch there and hide between the bookshelves and in year ten, I was crowned 'the person who comes to the library the most' and most of the year group sang my name. In fact when my mum would not let me go to the British Library, my dad insisted that I go because he considered it as a right for me.
So one of my 'this summer's resolution' is not to go to the library as much and to do other things and to drift outside my comfort zone and find home there on the outside. I want to have one of those summers that you read about or watch in the movies; not the romantic type where you fall in love with a stranger, but when that's carefree composed around letting go of all the burdens of life and just having fun. I don't know how to go about it. I've thought about going on the NCS challenge but I've been told it involves water stuff and I do not have a swimming costume (which is quite deliberate). I've thought about going swimming and each time the thought crosses my mind, I chicken out and think, but people like just judging me. I have no problem with exercise. I quite like jogging actually. But when you're like not wearing much and when there are a lot of people like watching. that scares me. Whenever I am jogging, I stop whenever there is a person near me and pretend that I was walking. It's kind of stupid but like yeah; if I decide to exercise, that should be my business, no one else's because I sort of hate whenever people make remarks about my physical health and weight. It's sort of like shut up, But yeah. This summer, I shall summon up the courage to buy a swimming costume and go to the local leisure centre and go swimming. Or drowning. I'd probably drown like the first couple of times. I can sort of swim on my back - I've been told that is merely floating - and I can sort of kick my legs out which is better than not being able to swim or move in water at all.
Oh yeah, about Hyde Park. Victoria and I sort of even had like arguments about ways to get there. I thought getting off at Hyde park corner would be the best way to do so - I was right; her way took 5 minutes longer - however, she was like, nope, we are going the way google says and we are getting off the train at Knightsbridge and I thought, but Hyde Park Corner makes a lot more sense; it has Hyde Park in the name, hence it likely to deliver us at the corner of Hyde park. However, she was like, nah, Google is right. My point of mention this is that what I liked about Hyde Park is that there is so many ways to get there. Life should be like that.
We shouldn't have to do the whole exam system thing, where failing or passing means that certain doors are opened for you when others aren't. It is not natural how life is not flexible. It is like forcing a river that flows to remain still. I've been thinking; what if I wanted to become a historian? I am really unlikely too; that door is closed because of my A levels. See and then it is easy to have regrets, like 'I should have done history.' With the whole journey to Hyde Park, the whole regret thing is sort of cast aside. It was sort of a whole thing where, you could be like 'if we went that way it would have been quicker, however, we still got there.' The concept of failing and passing and doors being shut and routes being available did not matter at all. Education should be a river that flows; it should not matter about where you are going or how much you know. I man, a lot of people are not motivated with education - I used to wonder why, but now I sort of see that it is an obligation, such as getting grades and getting jobs and stuff.
It is quite sad and bleak to be honest. Like in my class, there are so many people with this grand aims like medicine; you need straight A's and you need to be the best of the best; you need to work under constant stress. Human nature is flawed and we make mistakes but being a doctor crafts you into a person who cannot make mistakes. That is like not being able to breathe. I've been starting to think that world wants to make people into robots. I mean all the rules; education, laws, expectations, money. I mean, I am thinking most of the time about the future. I think, I should do this because it is good to put on UCAS. I think, 'I have got good GCSE's; that will look good when I apply for a Uni.' I think, 'Crap, I need to revise so I can get A's for AS levels and perhaps then I might be able to get somewhere like Cambridge.'
There is this guy I like and I think, he doesn't like me; no one will ever want me and I'd probably die alone, unmarried and childless - I do not even want children, I think, but yet the thought always crossed through my mind. It's sort of like I am living on behalf of my future. I am not being a teenager now because I will be an adult soon and that is a lot of responsibility and so I need to prepare for it. I feel like there is so much expected of me and that it is so easy to be nothing in this world where something is demanded. I feel like I owe it to myself to do something that a world based on development does not care for, like travel the world. I don't know.
First of all, I would like to go on about how my life literally revolves around library. I never realised until this guy was like 'where are you heading?' and when my reply was library, he told me that I am always in the library. Then I thought, I am not always in libraries - am I? I thought about it; the other day I saw Wendy - she works in the local library outside school - and I said hello to her. it's not just that; I probably talk to most of the librarians who work there and with some it is a first name, sometimes give a hug basis. Then there's the librarian I added on Facebook. I must be there regularly if I have had time to build a rapport. Since this library has opened, I have been there so often that there should probably be a seat reserved for me. Not only did I do work experience there, but I also had my face hanged up on a banner to represent the library and whenever people are like 'let's meet up' we almost always meet up in the library. It is not even that. I go to other libraries for 'a change in scenery.' I realised a couple days after that I spend way too much time in the library. And the thing is, I hardly actually do anything productive; I mostly just talk and procrastinate. The irony is that a lot of people think she goes libraries a lot; that is why she gets good grades - truth is I probably would get a lot more done.
See and it is not just recently; the whole library going thing. In year six I was a library monitor in primary school. In year seven I would go to the library with friends and we would eat lunch there and hide between the bookshelves and in year ten, I was crowned 'the person who comes to the library the most' and most of the year group sang my name. In fact when my mum would not let me go to the British Library, my dad insisted that I go because he considered it as a right for me.
So one of my 'this summer's resolution' is not to go to the library as much and to do other things and to drift outside my comfort zone and find home there on the outside. I want to have one of those summers that you read about or watch in the movies; not the romantic type where you fall in love with a stranger, but when that's carefree composed around letting go of all the burdens of life and just having fun. I don't know how to go about it. I've thought about going on the NCS challenge but I've been told it involves water stuff and I do not have a swimming costume (which is quite deliberate). I've thought about going swimming and each time the thought crosses my mind, I chicken out and think, but people like just judging me. I have no problem with exercise. I quite like jogging actually. But when you're like not wearing much and when there are a lot of people like watching. that scares me. Whenever I am jogging, I stop whenever there is a person near me and pretend that I was walking. It's kind of stupid but like yeah; if I decide to exercise, that should be my business, no one else's because I sort of hate whenever people make remarks about my physical health and weight. It's sort of like shut up, But yeah. This summer, I shall summon up the courage to buy a swimming costume and go to the local leisure centre and go swimming. Or drowning. I'd probably drown like the first couple of times. I can sort of swim on my back - I've been told that is merely floating - and I can sort of kick my legs out which is better than not being able to swim or move in water at all.
Oh yeah, about Hyde Park. Victoria and I sort of even had like arguments about ways to get there. I thought getting off at Hyde park corner would be the best way to do so - I was right; her way took 5 minutes longer - however, she was like, nope, we are going the way google says and we are getting off the train at Knightsbridge and I thought, but Hyde Park Corner makes a lot more sense; it has Hyde Park in the name, hence it likely to deliver us at the corner of Hyde park. However, she was like, nah, Google is right. My point of mention this is that what I liked about Hyde Park is that there is so many ways to get there. Life should be like that.
We shouldn't have to do the whole exam system thing, where failing or passing means that certain doors are opened for you when others aren't. It is not natural how life is not flexible. It is like forcing a river that flows to remain still. I've been thinking; what if I wanted to become a historian? I am really unlikely too; that door is closed because of my A levels. See and then it is easy to have regrets, like 'I should have done history.' With the whole journey to Hyde Park, the whole regret thing is sort of cast aside. It was sort of a whole thing where, you could be like 'if we went that way it would have been quicker, however, we still got there.' The concept of failing and passing and doors being shut and routes being available did not matter at all. Education should be a river that flows; it should not matter about where you are going or how much you know. I man, a lot of people are not motivated with education - I used to wonder why, but now I sort of see that it is an obligation, such as getting grades and getting jobs and stuff.
It is quite sad and bleak to be honest. Like in my class, there are so many people with this grand aims like medicine; you need straight A's and you need to be the best of the best; you need to work under constant stress. Human nature is flawed and we make mistakes but being a doctor crafts you into a person who cannot make mistakes. That is like not being able to breathe. I've been starting to think that world wants to make people into robots. I mean all the rules; education, laws, expectations, money. I mean, I am thinking most of the time about the future. I think, I should do this because it is good to put on UCAS. I think, 'I have got good GCSE's; that will look good when I apply for a Uni.' I think, 'Crap, I need to revise so I can get A's for AS levels and perhaps then I might be able to get somewhere like Cambridge.'
There is this guy I like and I think, he doesn't like me; no one will ever want me and I'd probably die alone, unmarried and childless - I do not even want children, I think, but yet the thought always crossed through my mind. It's sort of like I am living on behalf of my future. I am not being a teenager now because I will be an adult soon and that is a lot of responsibility and so I need to prepare for it. I feel like there is so much expected of me and that it is so easy to be nothing in this world where something is demanded. I feel like I owe it to myself to do something that a world based on development does not care for, like travel the world. I don't know.
Sunday, 8 February 2015
No retreat, no surrender!
I was watching this cartoon called the book of life and I simply loved it. It was beautiful, the way love was depicted and how the 'princess' wasn't helpless and could fight back, despite needing someone to depend on. I mean, I thought when I was watching it, now, there is a real girl. Vulnerable, for one, but not prepared to back down or let anyone stop her from doing what she thought was right. That is not the point. The point is, for a cartoon, it was very insightful and profound. The phrases that got to me were ' these are some big shadows we live under...' and the guy who he is talking to replies 'huge.' Also, they would be like to each other, 'no retreat, no surrender.'
I was recently just doing my revision time table. This weeks one went horribly! I felt, at points, as if I were failing in life, all because I could not stick to one measly sheet of instructions. I may have blown it all of proportions, but it was hard not too. I feel like I am failing S1 because I do not understand one topic; all the rest, I am fluent with; it's like a different language that I can translate to English without even acknowledging I am doing so. But that is not good enough. People say you cannot be good at everything; well, when it is an AS syllabus, why not? I mean, compared to all you could possibly know about a subject, why should knowing it all like the back isn't arrogance or 'knowing it all' or necessarily being good at everything.
Then this weekend came and I felt like real crap. I did not want to do anything at all - the stupid revision time table was like a burden. It taunted; look, you have so much to do, but all you do is procrastinate - you're so pathetic and dumb. I feel dumb; I dread to think what other people who dot U's in the exam think about themselves.
Anyway, the exams are coming up. I am feeling nervous and not great enough, Yes, I am good enough, but that is not good enough for a world that demands great enough. I do not want to be the girl who measures her life from one exam to another - I fear that I am, for it is imprinted in my mind that there is only 16 weeks to my next exam.
I want to be the girl who can take a rest when she needs one without feeling prickly and agitated. I want to be the girl who has time to colour with her little sister. I want to be the girl whose there for her friends and who does fun things like watches movies. I do not want to be the girl who feels so obliged to clean the kitchen when before she goes to sleep or the girl who overeats and stresses so much. Its so tiring. Somehow, I've been thrown into a cave and I have to find the way out. The only way I can do that is no retreat and no surrender. It is so hard not to. Right now, I am sat on a rock in the cave. My legs are aching and I am exhausted and on edge. All I would bloody like is for a cup of coffee, and I hate how princess like that this sounds, but for someone to rescue me, because I cannot do this. It's incredibly lonely and everyone else is gambling on my success and it feels suffocating. Right now I need to be the girl who powers on; no retreat and no surrender! :)
I was recently just doing my revision time table. This weeks one went horribly! I felt, at points, as if I were failing in life, all because I could not stick to one measly sheet of instructions. I may have blown it all of proportions, but it was hard not too. I feel like I am failing S1 because I do not understand one topic; all the rest, I am fluent with; it's like a different language that I can translate to English without even acknowledging I am doing so. But that is not good enough. People say you cannot be good at everything; well, when it is an AS syllabus, why not? I mean, compared to all you could possibly know about a subject, why should knowing it all like the back isn't arrogance or 'knowing it all' or necessarily being good at everything.
Then this weekend came and I felt like real crap. I did not want to do anything at all - the stupid revision time table was like a burden. It taunted; look, you have so much to do, but all you do is procrastinate - you're so pathetic and dumb. I feel dumb; I dread to think what other people who dot U's in the exam think about themselves.
Anyway, the exams are coming up. I am feeling nervous and not great enough, Yes, I am good enough, but that is not good enough for a world that demands great enough. I do not want to be the girl who measures her life from one exam to another - I fear that I am, for it is imprinted in my mind that there is only 16 weeks to my next exam.
I want to be the girl who can take a rest when she needs one without feeling prickly and agitated. I want to be the girl who has time to colour with her little sister. I want to be the girl whose there for her friends and who does fun things like watches movies. I do not want to be the girl who feels so obliged to clean the kitchen when before she goes to sleep or the girl who overeats and stresses so much. Its so tiring. Somehow, I've been thrown into a cave and I have to find the way out. The only way I can do that is no retreat and no surrender. It is so hard not to. Right now, I am sat on a rock in the cave. My legs are aching and I am exhausted and on edge. All I would bloody like is for a cup of coffee, and I hate how princess like that this sounds, but for someone to rescue me, because I cannot do this. It's incredibly lonely and everyone else is gambling on my success and it feels suffocating. Right now I need to be the girl who powers on; no retreat and no surrender! :)
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
Failure
On Monday, in form class, we talked about stress.
It was one of those unenthusiastic discussions where my form tutor would ask questions only to answer them himself. What are the two types of stress class? After a couple of minutes of prodding any bit of an idea of what they could be, he gave up, and told us; acute and chronic.
My point is not stress. It's the feeling of feeling stressed and pushing it away - that is what I revise, because I know that I am only capable if I put in effort into revising. So I revise a lot. Revise a lot means good grades. Good grades are not equal to actual knowledge - just the ability to work hard. I do not try to grasp knowledge though - it's about looking good and good grades = looking good. You tell a person you get 5 A*'s and 6 A's for GCSE's modestly and they give you a look like, wow, you must be really smart and you can get a lot of good jobs. Good jobs = money and lets face it, money rules all our lives as we develop. Give a new born paper and metal and they will try bit it, yet it has become so essential that we grip on to money; that we have a lot of it.
However, why I am stressed, is that getting good grades are a key part of my personality- maintaining that illusion. It makes me feel as if I have come so far. The girl who the world tried to stop. She could not prononciate properly; people put her down, she wasn't always confident or articulate and she did not always believe in herself. There was so much that could have stopped her - that could have hindered her many talents. There was so much in her way, and yet, she still tried and that trying is not the only thing that determines where she is going. Not other people and their taunts. I mean, yes, she was hurt when they chanted rhino and she felt dumb for a while, but still, she tried.
Failing is a fear of mines. If I fail then what girl will I be? Surely not the one who tried. I mean, if I try hard enough, I won't fail, right? That being said, failure is necessary; I know that - I am just not accustomed to it's presence, because failure now isn't failing. There is much more gravity on the word as it stands; it's: doing the best I can; meeting others standards - and trust me, they're high; always being happy and it's too much and failing would be having to admit that it is too much and there is shame in that. You know, admitting that you are not what the world expects. The world shames that.
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