Do you know what sucks sometimes?

Talking to so many people.

In college, in my classes, I am probably the girl who someone has come to to bitch about you.

I am probably the person who has heard both sides of the argument and you are probably the people, unaware.

It is so bad. Like, I am the person who hears crap about friends - I now try to stay impartial and try not to say anything bad about the person. I am the person who hasn't told you what I know they think. I am the person probably watching you feign laughter to another joke that you find so not funny.

I am probably a person who would probably be very good at manipulating situations and exploiting situations. It is weird, really.

I don't know, just thoughts

I have come so far. 

It's really great. Like, I look back right, and I think, wow. 

Look at how much I have developed. 

Look at how much I have done. 

Look at how much times have changed. 

I remember the girl before, right, and like she would not have thought life would get this good. 

She sort of felt trapped and sealed in between the days and that made her scared and made her feel like, just not existing. She just wanted to stop feeling, To disappear and she hated her self so much and blamed everything on herself and was just sort of lost, I guess. 

And it's really weird. Or funny. I don't know which. 

She achieved quite a bit, when she didn't consider herself worth while. She didn't acknowledge her efforts or hard work and I think, wouldn't it have been easier if she had faith in herself? If she wasn't just trying so she could prove herself, but if she was trying for personal development?

Now she is on the other side of things and has just been happy for a long time. She never would have thought that was possible. It is weird. People are always asking her how she is the happiest person ever, as if it is something that just happens over night. 

It doesn't. It really does not. 

2016

Okay, so it is 2016 tomorrow.

I cannot wait to cross a day of my calendar.

I have never had a calendar before.

This post is basically, me just looking back at 2015.


Awkwardest moment - I have had many embarrassing and awkward moments this year. It's not even funny. I think the most awkward would have to be talking to my boss and like stuttering for a minute and forgetting why I was there and her looking at me like, you are really weird.

Most inappropriate thing said - Well I cannot remember much of the inappropriate stuff I have said. It was probably an innuendo to Gonkie (Goncalo, an old high school friend, sort of).

Worst moment - when I cried in front of my parents. I do not think I ever have, since I was a baby, so yeah, it was sort of a big deal. My dad did not talk to me for a week or so, because he felt guilty about making me cry and feel upset. Like I do not mind being vulnerable but in front of parents, nope.
Also, not talking to my younger brother for 2 weeks. He was angry that I pushed him.

Weirdest conversation - I think it was talking about beheading with Hasan on the bus. Weird, because I did not see it coming. We were both sat together awkwardly. I was raking my brain thinking, jheez, just say something. Then he started talking about beheadings and whilst I think it is important to talk about current affairs and the news, I was still sort of like, huh? When he got of the bus, Mahamood looked at me sort of questioningly as to why I was smiling and I was like, we were talking about beheadings. I wasn't smiling because I was talking about beheadings. I was just sort of trying to wrap my head around it.

Most adventurous moment - I think I will have to put going to Oxford. NCS was quite the adventure. I got to try out new things and meet new people. However, I have chosen going to Oxford, because first of all, I was outside of London, all by myself. I went on strolls in the evening with friends and I had the freedom to explore - well within limits, I guess, but still.

Happiest moment - 4A's for A levels. I cried. I even bought myself a happy meal after. There have been so many though. I feel happy whenever I see my friends. I feel happy when I read a good book or when I am doing something I like. Most of this year has been happy. So if I were to make a 2015 Happy list, I would still be typing this time next year. I particularly enjoyed getting on the buses with Agata and Amelia and walking to Wembley with Lamis. Really made me start mornings off happy.

Saddest moment - Well, I guess, applying for Oxford was a bit of a sad time for me, because I was so like sucked out of energy and enthusiasm. I would literally think, I don't want to study. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to bother. I even thought, I just don't want to leave the house this morning and get up early. And usually, I love to wake up early. All things that I guess make up the person I am, studying, talking, motivation and enthusiasm and it was temporarily gone. It was sad because of the stress. There was getting my personal statement perfect and my peers were like, why are you stressing, the deadline is in January. Or like, I think you are obsessing with your personal statement a bit too much. The ones who weren't were like, jheeze, you have the grades and you are applying to Oxford and have so much potential, whilst I am a piece of crap. You have no right to be stressed or feel down. Mike was telling me that my statement was not personal enough and careers were telling to remove personal stuff out. Then, there was the TSA preparation. It was so easy to doubt myself. Verbal reasoning is not my strong point. I can write essays, but they aren't always good. There was also that I sort of slipping grade wise. Also, that my parents were not on board with my decision. It was either I concede and be a pushover or that I go against my parents and disappoint.

Thing I regret the most - I don't know about that... hmmmmm. I am not really thinking about what if's and I could haves because I look at my life, and I am content with it.

Most shocked moment - Getting an Oxford interview. Still feels surreal. Like, me? I am actually good enough to get an Oxford interview?

I have had a bunch of other moments that I forgot to categorize. Really, I think my friends and family have made this year a great one for just sort of being there and I am happy that I can look back at the year and like think, I was never alone and always cared about.

Au revoir

Me, Earl and the dead girl

*sighs*

*facepalm*

I started the book, but I really cannot see it through to the end.

In my opinion - key words here being my opinion - it is not a good book. I personally feel as if it is written really well. It is authentic, in the way, in how some of the book is written script like. However, despite all this, I...

I just watched the movie trailer which seems awesome, so I may hang in there actually...

Christmas

Christmas this year was amazing. 

The thing I love about it the most is that we did not need a Christmas tree. We did not watch much TV - everything this time of year is saturated with festivity, which can get quite nauseating at times. We did not need turkey and roasted potatoes and we did not cook much. We didn't break open crackers or sit around a table together. 

Joy and I cleaned my room and I stuck up pictures on the wall. We sat on the floor on my room, doing a 500 piece puzzle and literally three hours passed by. We admitted defeat after a while and went to have lunch. We talked. Watched Doctor Who. Alex Kingston is an amazing actress and I cried. 

My mum made rice - we usually have rice on Christmas - sprouts, spring rolls and meatballs. 

Sufra

I have started volunteering in a food bank.

Today was my first day.

Here are the pros.

It is one minute away from my house.

Only three hours on a Sunday. Fortnightly.

Anisa, the girl who works there went to Copland and she is really bubbly and friendly.

It is like a hang out zone for my siblings, so I volunteer with people I know.

They have free cup cakes and food.

I feel like I am doing something worthwhile.

Eyeliner is for eyelids, not eyes

Guess who got eyeliner in her eye?

Enough said!

Third Eye

I love Florence + the machine's new album.

I especially like the way how she uses words in her lyrics. It is like the way poetry but with haunting background music. In none of her lyrics are swearing. There are some songs, that the whole way through the song it is like ' B**** N*****.'

I don't really like that some of the new videos contain nudity because before, what I respected most about Florence was that she did not have to take of her clothes to get fans. Like she did not have to go on stage half naked. It's funny because most of her performances on stage, she is wearing like so much clothes. Like a long dress or something.

Anyway, that is not even my point / or what I want to talk about in this post.

She has this song called Third eye.

One of my favorite lines is that 'you deserve what you are given.'

I did not really get it at first. As in, sometimes people want more than what they are given. Also, I thought, does it mean that we deserve all the pain and hurt that the world may inflict? (I guess, actually now thinking about it, it does on some level.)

As I listened to the song more, I sort of got the point more. The song is about / to a person who does not think that they deserve: happiness, love, friendship and to be treated well. A person who considers themselves not worthy to receive the good of the world. Perhaps because they are too stuck resenting themselves.

My Age of Anxiety

I have finished reading the books I wrote on my personal statement.

Better late than never, I guess. :)

They were really good books.

I cannot really lie and say that I didn't have to read them - not reading them would jeopardize my up coming Oxford interview.

However, they were really seriously amazing books.

I did not really feel I was reading them because I had to, but more because I was interested.

In my Age of Anxiety, it discussed classifying mental illnesses. Especially anxiety.

It is weird really. A disease that before being classified, not many people had it. But after being defined, it is quite uncommon not to know someone with it. Does this reflect that before defining anxiety that there was a large hidden figure or that after defining anxiety, people fitted themselves into categories? Or perhaps this just suggests that the prevalence has increased. Even then, that is questionable. How many people with mental illnesses, who have them are unaware? How many people who have mental illnesses go unreported? Then again. how many shy people have been catergorized as anxious? How many people who just aren't expressive with emotions have been described as depressed?  The book illustrates really well that trying to assess trends of anxiety and mental illnesses over time and trying to draw an accurate conclusion onto who has the illness can be ambiguous.

GUYS OMMMGGGGGGGG I HAVE AN OXFORD INTERVIEW.... i AM SCARED AND HAPPY AND EXCITED AND OMG YAAAAAYYYYY

Content

Yeah, life is good. :)

I am content at the moment.

I feel confident and empowered.

And strong.

Uncertain and a bit confused.

I have the whole of my life stretched out in front of me

but at the moment, I feel as if I want to stick with my decision.

When it comes to making more decisions

I will try and be brave and take risks if needed.


I look in the mirror and smile at myself.

I actually think, I look nice today.

Is this acceptance?

Normally, I think, I am so fat.

I look ugly in this.



I feel lucky.

I have parents who love me.

I have a comfortable life.

I have amazing siblings.

I have A LOT of support.

From family, friends and teachers.

I am proud of myself. How far I have come.


I am skilled.

I can learn about stuff.

I can focus on a task

I can talk to people confidently

well, that is debatable.

I am hard working and motivated

I am yet to understand what motivates me



I feel so real.

I love myself


I have flaws too.

I think I am perhaps too much of a pushover

and too nice for my own good.

I think - I know, sometimes I let people walk all over me.

I am taking smallish steps.

But steps nonetheless.



Victoria N asked me to help her prepare for interview.

I really did not feel up for it.

So I just sort of flaked out.

And letting her down

the feeling of letting someone down

not having to always be responsible was good.

I didn't even feel much guilt.

Baby steps. :)



I would like to continue

to feel

every bit of pain and hurt and stress

and hurt and anger

as well as friendship, love, sympathy,

happiness and joy with intensity

because I have come to realize

that feeling emotions

feeling

is a gift.

It means I am not robot and numb

reminds me that I am only human.

HALLLOOOO

Hello Agata and whoever else reads my blog.

How has my life been recently?

Well, it has been good.

A little bit of stress and pressure.

Lots more work than I have time to do.

Though in general, I have been happy.

I had a pukka womankind tea and it was amazing.

I could taste the vanilla dance in my mouth.

That's all for now.

I am nor bothered to write a long post.

My hands are freezing and I have work to do.

Here is an update. :) I have bad recently with posting stuff. I cannot help that I am just really inconsistent.

I have had 4 offers so far from my uni's at AAB and Oxford will reply in December to tell me whether I have got an interview or not.

The whole of the half term I took part in NCS. It was a really cool experience. I think I grew a lot as a person that week considering I am the girl who spends life studying. I actually stepped outside my comfort zone.

My brain has been a sieve recently. I remember all the stuff about biology once I have gone over it twice. When it comes to just remembering stuff I need on a day to day basis, I am sort of flopping. Everything is just sort of becoming a mess. I have not had time to sort out stuff that was piling up and then just as I start to, something else starts to pile up. There is preparing for my Oxford interview - if I get one. I cannot allow myself not to prepare in case I get an interview but there is a chance I may not. There is reading up about the Universities I got offers about to help me make a choice about which  will be my first or firm offer. There is all the impromptu stuff. All the tests and homework. The work load is intense. There is making sure I do not neglect my youngest sister (it breaks my heart when I do. All she does is go on the laptop and no one will play with her. I feel like such a terrible person.) Life is the NCS meet ups that drain my weekend. There is the responsibilities of being the oldest child. there is also making sure I find time for other people.  Life is just a bit too much at the moment. I don't want to break.

I had a 1 - 1 interview with my form tutor Mike and that sort of rattled me and I left wanting to cry. I told him I was feeling the pressure of A2 and he asked ' Really?' As if the concept of me feeling pressure is unheard of. I am only human. He told me anything I do, I will be successful in. People have too much faith in me.

Daniel is nicer than I give him credit for. I mean, he actually cares about me.

I have been reading a lot of fan fiction recently.

Café Art

On NCS the challenge, the team I am in, Sabesan, were fortunate enough to be paired with Café Art as a community partner.  NCS the challenge is a once in a lifetime opportunity for 16 – 17 year olds it encourages young adults to: help others; immerse themselves in new situations and to take society and others less for granted.

Café Art is a non-government funded organisation that tries to tackle homelessness in a unique, creative and inspiring way. People who have been affected by homelessness are given the opportunity to express themselves through the medium of art. This concept may seem ludicrous – homeless people need homes! Where does art come into the picture?

Art can change a life.

 We met David who became homeless after a series of health problems and hardships. He developed depression and tried to kill himself more than 10 times. Through selling and making art, David was able to get his life back on track.

We live in a society where victim blaming is prominent. We believe that people get what they deserve. That the homeless person who you always see in the park brought their homelessness on themselves. Probably drugs. However, we need to step away from that stigma. People become homeless for several of reasons such as mental and health issues as well as injury – none of us are immune to those factors. Some of us are just lucky.

We are all human. Why should homeless people be segregated by our society? 

To create more awareness of homelessness, we have decided to fundraise for Café Art on the 28^th of November. Please attend to show your support. We will be on a store in Spitalfields market between the Giraffe and Canteen. Coming together on this day shows that we are one as a team and that our human rights matter.

:)

Guys, I went Waterstone and found these. They have Harry Potter, Doctor Who and Sherlock sort of adult colouring books.  

I need me one of these!

And colouring pencils. 

None of those rubbish Tesco or Asda values but cool bic ones. 

I will buy some proper artistic pencils that have different letters on them. 

(For Christmas anyway)

And I will colour and draw myself a beautiful alternative reality.

I think I am going to spend my lunches at Waterstone from now on. 

So I am excited!  

Organic Chemistry Synthesis

Seriously guys, organic chemistry synthesis has to be the most beautify thing ever! 

I was doing some today, starting with benzene to make phenol. :)

I love life. 

Small sort of break down

Hey guys.

Today I had like a small break down in the Learning Centre in College.

I was doing a revision timetable and then I just started crying.

I was just there sat for like 20 minutes crying my eyes out. Each time I tried to stop myself, I created a new reason to keep on crying.

It started of like, OMG, I am really a piece of shit.

Then went on to, I am not capable.

Then I went on to why the f am I crying. There are people everywhere.

Then it went on to I need fresh air. I need to get out but I could not move out of my seat and I had to go work soon and I did not want anyone to see me in such a state.

Then I started to think, I am a horrible sister.

Then I am a horrible person.

Then I started to think, OMG STFU and stop crying. Why are you here just attention seeking.

And then I thought, I just want to call my mum and tell her that I love her and hug her which made me feel like a worst person for taking her for granted.

Then I thought, wow, I am so fat and ugly and just a horrible piece of crap.

I managed to stop crying unnoticed and got up to sign myself in for work. Then Alex came and asked me if I was alright and I started to shake and cry and I just could not control it.

It sucked. She was asking me what was wrong. I just kept saying I was fine. (I resent the word fine.) And then our sort of manager came out and she was asking what was wrong and she asked if it was something to do with home, or boyfriend trouble and I laughed because no, it most definitely was not boyfriend trouble.

She kept saying I could go home if I felt like crap but I kept saying I was fine to work.

Depression

I decided that I would write a post on depression.

Why?



Well you are going to have to read to find out, I guess.

Before half term a college friend and I realised that we were drifting apart and so decided to go to McDonald's before lunch. She revealed to me that she had experienced depression. The worst thing about it wasn't that she felt like crap but that her parents were sort of ashamed. Sort of like, look at our only child; she was supposed to be normal and perfect and we have broken pieces.

A few weeks ago, one of my best friends told me about a conversion she overheard - not about depression, but about mental illness. The people she overheard called a teenage girl experiencing a mental illness as an attention seeker.

Now the other day, what happened is that the senior mentor for my team, a guy called Tarzan, told us we had to give a speech on what we would change in the world. I went for the education system. Yes, me the girl who thrives through education. I went on about how it does not prepare us for real world and the example I gave was that we are made aware that there is something called depression. However, the word is thrown around without any meaning at all because we are not taught how to deal with it, why it may happen and how to actually recognize the symptoms in oneself or others.

I never really thought that my audience was really receptive about what I was saying until today. We will get to that after.

Depression is a really horrible illness. It is an pandemic these days. As common as the common flu. Sure there is less stigma on mental illness. Sure society have let women have votes and slavery has been abolished (in some countries) but that does not mean that there is not more that can be done? I know about the symptoms of depression and how its treated and why it may occur and stuff like this because I read NHS pages and books about it, however, imagine someone whose sort of started to feel depressed not knowing what the hell is happening to them.

What happened today is that my NCS team were introduced to this programme called cafe art where there got homeless people to make and sell their own art. Two of the former homeless guys came and one guy, David, told us about his story that had half the girls crying and the rest of us holding back tears. He owned two businesses then had a stroke and lost everything and ended up taking drugs and getting depression. He tried to commit suicide at least 10 times and now on the sort of other side, he was a photographer, dealing with his depression by drawing and taking pictures. It was inspiring. One girl started crying and revealed that she dealt with depression too and two others had to go outside to get fresh air. Both were so worried and did not want to go to the GP because they thought their parents would look down on them. It was so sad, I was nearly in tears. One had come from Norway and could not adjust to London and had bad anxiety and just wanted to kill herself. The other - the most emotionally stable girl from the outside - was just so broken inside.

The reason why I want to do psychology in Uni is because I would like to be a sort of therapist who helped people through talking cures such as CBT. I also want to understand more about what makes us human. Not just about when something goes wrong but about when things are right. Learning psychology so far has been so revealing even though it is not something to learn for facts but understanding. There was this girl, nickname Pineapple Jam who I thought lied to us. But learning about Psychology, it sort of creates a grey area. I now understand that memory may not be accurate and that what people ask may influence the response. Now, I look back and think well I do not know what was fact anymore. I do not know what to think or what she was supposedly thinking. And do you know what? I love that. The curiosity, the grey areas and questions that are inherent in Psychology. A subject where I never need stop asking or trying to understand.

If you want to find out more about the way that depression or any other mental illness is diagnosed look at the latest DSM.

All I know is that I will henceforth be skeptical of stability.

That rain though!!

Guys, guess whose back? 

I felt a little poetic. I love poetry and the use of words in sentences. I prefer to write than speak because writing, I cannot stutter unless for effect.  Anyway, so her is outside - inspired by the amazing British weather! :) 

All you lot who woke up this morning to the sound of rain will get me. 

My brother has boosters and I have to do this NCS thing so I have to drag myself out soon. 

Outside
the sky is a placid grey
and the sun just hides away;
summer, it's one true love
has since come and gone
and the devastated sun
mourns.

Out there,
it's raining cats and dogs.

Vigorously, rain attacks my roof,

refusing to relent.

The wind is coloured awfully,
in all directions, blowing ardently.

Outside, most definitely
is not where I want to be
when the weather is taking out
it's wrath on me.

Flash from the past

I went out with Madhvi on Thursday to get breakfast at Ikea which was pretty cool. (She told me that having breakfast there was the highlight of her week). I had fun actually - we were talking about how much life is at the moment. Also about people with their amazing lives broadcasted on YouTube. I do not watch any channels on YouTube but a lot of my friends do and one of them was like watching people with their amazing lives on YouTube makes her feel like she has wasted hers. I guess I just wanted to see if other people who watched YouTube channels felt like that.

Yesterday I saw so many of my old friends and it was good. Like it is weird how friends are fleeting in A2. I mean, in AS it was all about hanging out in the food court after college or during lunch. Last year weekends were filled with hanging out with people. But now, no one has time for each other at all, so when you see them it is like,  oh hello stranger. I was really happy yesterday though. I got on the 182 home with with Mahamood and Hasan. I missed them so much! They as well as Vishva and Madhvi were my bus buddies last year. We would joke around, get off to walk sometimes and just have like lots of fun. Now, most of the times, I am just sat on an empty 182 at 7:30pm reading my biology book.  Unfortunately, we got in a really packed bus so I could not really interact with them on the bus properly, but we got off and walked for a bit.

Just an update, sort of, I guess

I have got an offer from Warwick already. Like that feels so good. No interview stress. Just get AAB and you are in. :) 

One down, four to go.

I walked home today with Madhvi and Zeinab and it was quite cool actually. Though I think I am having a bad effect on Madhvi at the moment. Like I am just constantly badgering at her about college work. I think she feels like whenever she sees me it is all about discussing work :( I am trying to sort of motivate her - to try and convince her that she will not get into a bad uni if she tries but whenever I talk to people these days about how they should not worry too much about uni, I feel like they look at me like, you have got all your crap sorted. You have good AS and GCSE's and you are smart and will get into any uni you want. I especially hate when people say this, but they are like, you are going to get into Oxford and then some people berate themselves like, I am an idiot. I dislike how people are sort of like implying that I am better or smarter or intelligent than them. Because I am not. I am good academically. I study and revise every day. I like the struggle and challenge. Other people may not. We all have different abilities and qualities. Madhvi is pretty funny. Agata is creative as hell and Zeinab is good when it comes to arguing. Amelia is the sort of person who will get along with anyone and Evelin is so preserve. All of these qualities that matter. Like that will carry these people through life, making them stand out compared to others. But I fear that these qualities go emphasized and unnoticed.

Comparison is indeed the thief of joy. 

People need a lot more self confidence and self esteem - yes, we are in the face of uncertainty, but it is not impossible to retain a positive view about oneself. 

I was worrying about myself recently. Last week I pulled an all nighter and it did not even have an affect on me. I have been getting 7 hours of sleep and it has not really had an affect. Yes, all you sleep deprived, functioning on three hours a night people out there are probably thinking STFU! But my sort of point is, my sleeping pattern has sort of changed and I am getting less sleep than I am used to. Shouldn't I feel affected? I am mostly sort of thinking, because everyone else in the world - it seems - is so sober and upset and down. Like the depression rates must really spike for people applying for Uni. One of my friends cried in front of a teacher. Too many are calling themselves pieces of s*** and thinking they will not get into a good uni. People are just walking around, half zombies. Most other people are crumbling and that, I guess, is an understandable response. But then there is me. Like I have been happy recently - too happy for me not to doubt that there is something bubbling up in me waiting to explode. In Chemistry the other lesson, all you could hear was me. Literally laughing at everything. I am not even exaggerating. I was just laughing. And talking. I literally talked to every single person in that class. I was so loud and hyper. I literally went round and hugged everyone twice. I find that a bit worrying. I am being myself, yes, but I mean, like it was literally like I was on something, only I wasn't. 

I think perhaps I am feeling stressed but I am thinking, shut up and be optimistic. But then, I do not actually feel stressed at all. I have an Oxford admissions test and I am thinking, I have like 3 weeks and that is a lot of time and I am capable. When normally, like with exams, 6 weeks before it, I would be so panicky, like OMG I am going to fail. 

I thought perhaps I might be secretly upset and overcompensating by expressing extreme happiness, like I used to do. However, it does not feel like that much. I mean, I am genuinely, I think in  a good place in life. I feel like I have let go all the negative of the past. As if I have moved on. I feel empowered. Like I can tackle anything in my path. How can I be feeling upset among that? Like I actually feel confident.  I actually feel found - not lost in the wilderness somewhere.

I wish it would be Christmas

I am looking forward to Christmas.

I love giving Christmas cards. :)

I cannot wait to make all the decisions.

What wrapping paper to buy.

What Christmas cards.

What to get as presents.

Then there is the Christmas episode of Doctor Who. And River Song will be in it. :)

And this year, I feel will be a revolution.

I will make sure my family spends time together. :)

#shoutouts

I decided to make a post, just telling you about my friends / people who I love / people who inspire me / people who make me happy. It is not exhaustive. 

My two closest friends at the moment are Zeinab and Agata. What more can I really say than that I love both of them to bits. Both know me better than anyone else in the world and without them, I would not be the person I am to day. I would like to think that their friendships have sort of saved me. Just having someone there at the moment of need does so much more than you would think. Agata has to be the most creative person ever. Literally. She is so cool for this world. Zeinab is quite argumentative in a good way.

I have known Evelin a year and a bit now and I love her especially as I can see a bit of myself in her. She is so kind and hard working. She is either studying or working, and how she makes time to be their for others, is just beyond my comprehension. 

I have known Amelia for that amount of time too. And she is just simply awesome. I don't know how else to put it. When I first met her at the bus stop, I was sort of hesitant. Thinking, she's Agata's friend. Has no reason to talk or interact with me. However, she is just the sort of person who just gets along with people. 

Lamis is literally the most smartest person I know. And hard working. She was in my English and from class in year 11 and at first, I just sort of talked to her sometimes. But near the end of the year, we grew closer. We meet up once every week and walk into Wembley together. 

I loved Umi. She was literally like my soul sister. Annoying at times, but I loved her laugh and weirdness. She would always draw teddy bears on my books and obsess over ice cream.

Nadia, I will never ever forget. There are good people out there and she is one of them. She stuck up for me when I was being bullied in year 7. Like I did not feel as if I was worth anything. As if I deserved to be treated well. 

Hayat literally fell of the face of the earth. I did not know her too long at all. She was new in Chemistry, and I turned around to talk to her. Like the first time I talked to her, I could tell that she was literally perfect. (Loved Doctor Who, Florence + the Machine as well). And like I could just sort of talk to her. But now she is gone and I do not know where but I won't forget our brief friendship because she inspired me.

I just met Lima 3 weeks ago but I already love her.

I have two Victoria's in my life.  Victoria A is awesome. Victoria N can get a bit annoying at times. However, she always has an interesting anecdote. 

Mike inspires me so much. Like he just has a sort of way of encouraging me. I was talking to a girl who said Mike was like sort of sceptical about her doing medicine and I told her maybe he just wanted her to be a bit realistic. Then I sort of realised, that with me, he is always trying to push me that extra mile. When he enrolled me, he suggested I do 5 AS's - said I needed to be challenged. After AS he suggested I keep all 4 A levels. I am the only ever person he predicted an A* in Psychology. I am scared. I find Mike, just so cool. Like the way he talks. He knows something about everything and always had an interesting anecdote up his sleeves. He plays opera and classical music and is inventive about education us. More adults and teachers should be like him.

In College, the careers advisor is very nice to me. She arranged me work experience in a hospital and did not get disappointed when I told her I did not want to do medicine, even though she bothered her daughter to arrange it for me.

I quite like Wendy. She is a librarian in Wembley Library and just by the way she walks, you can tell she is a nice person. She is really really nice to me. :) 

A lot of my high school teachers were supportive and inspiring. There was Mrs Alawiye, who scared me at first, but she did care. There was Ms O'sullivan. In a class once, I felt like crap and she stopped the class and told them that they should not think that enthusiastic people are crazy and that she loved me because I was enthusiastic. There was Mrs Hamdoun and Mrs Saeed, I can never forget. They both were there for me when things got tough. Mrs Hamdoun had a massive plant in her office. She let me sit there sometimes. At first I found her weird, but soon I learnt that she was just really nice. Mrs Saeed, was more like a friend, if I am honest. I would just be in her class sometimes, talking to her about random stuff.

I love my family. I really do. Especially my brother. We did not get on well when we were younger. Then one day, he called me cold and that changed everything and I became a proper sister. He is stereotyped as the typical black boy and he takes a lot of crap from my mother. He is very aggressive as well. However, I think there is a lot of goodness in that boy. There is a whole lot of stuff that people do not see. He did a week volunteering at a food kitchen and he liked it there so much that he goes there after schools. It's so cute. I love my sisters. Joy is the fierce, take no nonsense one. Tobi is the weird, quirky one. Busayo is my princess. My parents are amazing. My mum shouts a lot but she is cuddly and I love her. My dad is very funny. My family is dysfunctional, however, I would no have it any other way. 

For all the people, who have ever wondered why I talk so much. Why I turn around in class if there is a new kid and introduce myself. Why I make sure I have talked to pretty much everyone in my classes.

I like that everyone else is unique and different from everyone else. I like learning about people's experiences. I find that quite inspiring. A lot of my friends have been bullied. A few have been diagnosed with mental health issues. All have been through tough times. Seeing a person in there highs and lows, for their perfections and their flaws. I like that. I like how everyone has a story to tell and I want to listen to as many of these stories as possible. 

And I want to tell mine to anyone who will listen. I realised that talking about emotions and feelings has really made a difference in my life. 

There are amazing people everywhere. We just have to look. :)

All Nighter

Morning world, I just pulled an all nighter.

I could not go to sleep at all. 

I was just so happy. It is so weird. I do not even feel tired. 

Normally, if I get 7 hours of sleep instead of 8, I cannot function. 

Anyway, I will see how today goes. 

I feel so happy it's ridiculous. 

I just want the day to hurry up so I can tell the world how much I love it. So I can hug my friends and see their lovely faces. 

These past few days I have been at peace with myself.

My mother sent me baby pictures and looking at them, I thought, I was so cute. And also, look how much I have grown and changed for the better. 

I remember year 11. I was just so lost and hollow. I never thought it would end.

Now I am at the other side. I am stronger, confident and empowered. Realising that has just made me feel so happy. And also, seeing how much support I have. It is just wow. I have never ever ever ever been alone. The power of friendship has been so wow. 

The other day a girl asked me, if I have ever liked a boy before.

I felt a bit sort of offended. Like she was not asking if I was a lesbian. 

She under the assumption that if I liked anything, I would like guys. 

She was asking me if I got crushes. If I actually noticed things such as how good looking a guy/ girl is. If I had a sexual orientation.

I do by the way. Just because I do not go like, 'Oh, he is so good looking' does not mean I do not like guys.

I just more find guys who treat a person right attractive.

You could have a very good looking guy who was inconsiderate - that is not appealing to me.

I'd rather decide whether a person is attractive ore not by getting to know them as a person. 

I was thinking about it today. 

I would have thought that having crushes and those awkward feelings of attraction is hardwired in humans. Unfortunately. 

The Cat

Today, on my walk back home, I saw a black and white cat.

I meowed at the cat and it meowed back and approached me. It started to walk around me - it's fur brushing my legs. 

I was worried that the cat would decide that I am its enemy and that it would abruptly scratch me or bite me, but upon stroking the cat, he/she walked around my legs again. 

I am starting to think that I have got cats wrong - yes, their eyes are usually evil looking, but that doesn't mean that cats are evil. 

First impressions are sometimes, spot on. However, sometimes, they are not. I will try bear that in mind.   

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9334605/1/Five-Times-The-Doctor-Mentioned-River-Song

Autumn warmth

Yesterday the weather was beautiful so I thought that I should not waste it.

So I went to Northala field and when I got to the top of the hill, I sat down and read. 

I read all day yesterday outside.

It was a good day. 

Really peaceful.

Today

I totally get that feeling of wanting to be alone then feeling lonely when you are alone.

That was today actually.

So at break I called my mum to say hello.

And she said she was happy I did not forget her.

And I almost started crying.

And for the whole day, I was thinking, I want to go home and hug my mum.

Empowered

Okay guys.

Today, I was feeling a bit stressed. Like OMG, I am already falling behind of studying and I felt like crap all day. Then I though, screw, it, I will not apply to Oxbrigde. Too much hassle. Then I thought, do I even know what I want to do?  Do I even want to go Uni? Then, I thought about it. It is my decision. I will make it wrong sometimes, just like there will always be casualties and just like I will always make mistakes.

Drifters

People just disappear of the face of the earth. 

I miss so many people, it's ridiculous.

I heard this quote on Merlin. 

"What will I do without you?" 

"You will remember me."

It is funny. There are more people I remember

than people who are physically present in my life anymore.

Do we just live to remember ghosts? 

So many people

I am officially back in College.

I was talking to Agata and she was like, she feels as if she has not had lost of time to herself because even on holiday, she was always with Pawel.

I am totally getting that feeling.

In the holiday, I was like, I must not isolate myself. I must not spend all my time studying. I must go places that I want to. So I did.

However, now, back in College, I am feeling, crap, all I want to do is be by myself. I love being around my friends and talking to them. I meet up with Lamis to walk with her to Wembley and with Agata and Amelia and sometimes Zeinab in the mornings. However, sometimes, I feel like, I just sort of need to be alone.

At breaks, since returning, I have sort of left my friends to wonder around College, but it is not an easy task, when everyone knows you. Some people such as Zeinab's friends feel the need to include me and when I tried to leave, the were sort of like, why are you going?

Home time is the worst. The day has left me worn out and I have to get on the 182, which is incredibly demoralizing. Yesterday I went home with Agata and Amelia and then we got off. I saw my friend's brother and said hello, but he started a conversation with me and sat next to me on the bus. I decided, no, I am not having this! So I got off the bus. I got on another and spotted someone I knew on top deck before entering, so I was about to pretend to call someone, then I saw Idil on the bottom deck.

Today, I got on the 182 with Zeinab. Then out of nowhere, June and Madvhi come on the bus. Then this girl Naomi, Zeinab and June knows from NCS come on.

Some stuff

I was going to go to sleep. I was listening to music on YouTube and letting things take their course. (I.e. not changing songs and relying on autoplay.) I finally decided that it was time to get myself immersed in UCAS - it had to happen sooner or later. 

I am just starting to get real. Looking at Universities outside London and requirements. I haven't even touched student finance or scholarships yet...  I feel so underprepared. 

And so stressed. 

Like wow. It is summer. Well summer is fleeting away, anyhow. ]

Anyway, I was going to go sleep, then Emeli Sande - Read all about it III came on and damn, it is powerful and emotive! 

I thought I should add these. :) 

I can do this.

Day by day. 

I keep imposing myself with trying to bite on more than I can chew. 

Trying to do so much more than possible at one go. 

It just hinders productiveness. 

Right now, I am in the stage where I am thinking, crap, where has childhood gone?

It is sort of sad. 

The freedom and choices and expectations. 

Like, damn, I am a young adult.

I am being forced to decide what I want to do with life. 

And I don't know.

It feels like I am merely a bet and so many people have invested in me. 

I do not want to let anyone down. 

However, I am not going to live the life that people are trying to push me into. 

If I am going to University and paying all those bloody fees then they bloody well be for a course that I think I want to do. 

So yeah. 

Good night. 

ZEINAB GOT INTO A LEVELS! ENGLISH, SOCIOLOGY AND HISTORY. :) PLEASED FOR HER.

JOY GOT 5 A*'S AND 5 A'S FOR GCSE. PROUD OF HER. 

ANTHONY GOT A, B'S, C'S AND ONE D AND HE IS GOING UXBRIGDE INSTEAD OF ARK ELVIN WITH JOY. 

I WISH ALL MY NEWS WAS GOOD. 

SO MANY PEOPLE FAILED A LEVELS AND THEIR ENGLISH GCSE.

IT WAS DEVASTATING. IT IS BRUTAL THAT ONE PERSONS SUCCESS MEANS ANOTHER PERSONS FAILURE. 

THAT IS THE REALITY. :(

I TOLD XIAO NOT TO BE PUT OF BY APPLYING TO ANY UNI'S AS SOMEONE HAS TO GET IN. 

HOWEVER, SOMEONE HAS TO BE REJECTED. 

UGH. THE STRUGGLE. 

I WENT WITH NIKITA TODAY TO GIVE HER MORAL SUPPORT.

THEY DID NOT LET HER RETAKE. SHE HAS TO DO ONE YEAR BTEC. :( 

I TOLD HER FAILURE IS A STEPPING STONE.

EVERYBODY FAILS AT ONE POINT.

SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE SHUT THE F UP! WHEN HAVE YOU FAILED? WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN REJECTED? TOLD YOU CANNOT DO WHAT YOU WANT TO?

TRUE. 

I HAVE NOT HAVE MY FAIR SHARE, ACADEMICAL WISE.

I CANNOT REALLY CLASSIFY THINGS AS FAILURES. 

HOWEVER, I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH THINGS.

EVERYONE DOES. 

JUST A BIT OF STUFF

Oh wow. I have not written in a long time.

I am just going to update you lot out there.

Summer is nearly over.

I can feel the Autumn wind trying to seep into the warmth.

Especially as it is cold out and my mum left the door opened.

My hayfever is acting up so badly. Especially before I go bed. Feel like I cannot breath sometimes.

The headaches have stopped.

I have not isolated myself this summer.

Or spent all the time studying.

I am forcing myself to literally get out.

To meet friends.

To stay in sync.

I am happy.

A bit stressed.

It has been really cool. Though I feel like my childhood has gone already.

Like, what happened to those times when we would go Asda over school just because?

What happened to the times where I would write all those stories?

What happened to the times I would write poems about every little thing?

My creativity has dwindled.

Has dissipated somewhere in the atmosphere.

And I am plain and bland

like all the grey figures here

each day I feel more and more

pushed into despair

deep down in the core

I am tired

8 hours per night

day shows and is this and that

and this and that and this and that

and so much

I impose so much on myself.

However, stress and happiness can coincide.

I feel stressed in the library work experience

but I am happy to be with friends and people who are nice to me

and to just talk

:)

I got 4 A's. 

I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. So happy. SO DAMN HAPPY!!

I can't believe it. 

I really cannot. 

I thought, AAAB or AABB

But I did it. 

Crap. 

It was great.

I saw Hayat. 

OMG!! 

We were screaming and hugging for 10 minutes. 

I was so happy. 

Then Umi reactivated FB. 

And messaged me. 

I thought, crap, GOD IS SO GREAT

Like so great. 

Hayat and Umi both disappeared of the face of the earth 

I was like WTF happened

but they are back in my life 

so that is good 

I went to see Wendy 

I promised I would if my results went well 

And both her and Sahitya hugged me

like I feel like its a family there 

like at home 

and yesterday Pasadina gave me 7 New Scientist magazines

from the library and said I did not need to return them 

because I told her about my ambitions to do something sciency in A levels

:) 

I love myself 

I am so awesome

Adios 

Jitters

Okay, so tomorrow is results day and the nerves are setting in.

It feels real now.

Before it was so surreal. Like, it may not even come to results day because it is so far away.

I was fine at first.

Till Amelia and Idil told me about exam rumors - both seemed to think that the exam results would be biased.

Idil said apparently examiners got confused and marked generously.

Amelia said apparently OCR fucked up badly.

Both worry me. I do not want an examiner who is subjective.

I want an examiner who will give me the marks I deserve, irrespective.

I do not want lost exam papers.

And for them to have to estimate what I got based on mocks.

I got over that a bit.

Then I looked at the grade boundaries. Another kick up the backside.

Grade boundaries are done systematically.

Only a certain percent get a certain grade.

Quality control, if you think about it.

So grade boundaries being low does not really matter. A certain percent will always still get A's and a certain percent will always still get U's.

My problem is that all the grade boundaries are like 5 marks apart. Imagine getting an A would be 50 and getting a C, 40 marks and a B, 45 marks.

I am worried Maths. A few marks will mean the difference between the A I sought after and the B, C and lower that I dread.

Excuses

It is so easy to form an excuse. 

I do not jog on a period so that I do not loose too much blood. 

I do not try diet because I have tried before and it does not work. 

I did not stand up for myself because I thought it was my fault. 

I do not do anything when people use me because I put myself int the position. 

Those are just a few of the excuses that I have told myself. 

Yesterday, I was supposed to be meeting a friend from High school. I did want to see her but it did not feel right - I wanted her to make an excuse or for me to make one. 

It looks like it will rain.

I might get a headache. 

My mum wants me to do something for her. 

The thing about these excuses are that they are all fiction and I think, why do I have to make something up that is not true to tell someone that I would rather stay at home because I literally have not been in my own house, before 6 - 7 pm for ages.

The things about excuses is that they are just thongs we tell herself.

I can jug on a period if I feel like it. 

I can diet it I try 

I can stand up for myself if I try 

Whilst I put myself in the position where someone can take advantage, I can stand up for myself and I could make people aware that I will not stand for being used. 

Consider yourself one of us!

This week, I have been doing work experience in Brampton Health Centre in Kingsbury and tomorrow is my last day and I have to say, I do not want to leave and I wish I told the lady that I would do two weeks instead of one.

On the Monday, I did not know what to do. I came and stood in front of the office waiting for the person in front of me to deal with their enquiry and when the receptionist saw me, she told me to come inside and I stood awkwardly till I felt as if she had given me permission to sit.

Then I just sort of sat around all day. I did 5 hours of shredding. At first I was fascinated by the machine - I need one of them, I thought - but when paper got jammed, I thought, well, why am I not surprise, I screwed up something. Rita - one of the receptionists told me that I should not let the shredder get too hot and what did I do? Let it get hot. I thought that she would shout at me but instead she just laughed.

The nurse was quite cool. She let me ask questions but that was only for like an hour or so.


On Tuesday, I felt a little more comfortable and confident. On the Monday, I avoided looking at people in the eyes and sat there indifferent when they were laughing. Today, I met an actual doctor. He was so nice to me. He came into the office and instead of looking at me and then deciding that I did not exist, he introduced himself to me, asked for my name and told me that at 9:30 I could go sit in with him and watch GP appointments. Which, quite frankly, I was eager to do, compared to all the' shredding. I was a bit anxious - he made it clear that I could, in fact should ask questions. I had a couple of questions, but they were all the usual typical questions that he probably heard lots of time before.

I asked them anyway, so I seemed interested - which I actually was. I asked why he became a doctor and his reply struck me by so much surprise that I could not wipe the surprise of my face for him not to see it. 'You tell me.' He said. And he was serious. If I want to be a doctor, he continued, then I had to answer the question when applying for Uni's and interviews, so he was giving me an opportunity to answer from what I observed, why he did the job.

He asked me to answer the question, then I stuttered and said, because it is a constant challenge. It was, from what it seemed. 10 - 15 minutes for each patient. Language barrier - most of the patients today did not speak English as a first language, so despite the limited time frame, he he would have to communicate using English and gestures to explain something to someone who barely knew English. In addition to this, the patients weren't exactly knowledgeable about their own situation so they would throw out bits and bobs and he would have to prioritize and discard information, all in 10 - 15 minutes. For instance, some people may say inflammation of chest when it is really lower down in the abdomen that had problems. Also, everything was a new situation. Every 10 - 15 minutes, he would be given a brand new puzzle to solve. One minute, a young girl with tonsillitis, then the next, an old man with knee pains even though he had been given two knee replacement surgeries.

He had to deal with other non patient issues as well. For instance, NHS cut backs and the ageing population. It is a job, he said, that really engages the mind. You have to be compassionate and communicate well and want to help people. You have to be nosy. I also realized that as well as being compassionate and caring about the patient, you have to be not afraid to carry out something intrusive, for instance a smear test. He made me watch a - I do not know what he was called but he was looking up a lady's genital area for something.


The receptionists were so cool. They had a box of chocolates on the desk and every now and then told me to take one. They also talked to me and made jokes. I had to do quite a bit of filing. By Wednesday, I had warmed to them and did not find it awkward talking to them and even joking back.  :)

There was this lady - Bharti - whose mum died. I knew because she kept telling people as to explain why she went on holiday. She is a little lady for 57 and had long black hair with several gray streaks, but it suits her regardless. The room where I was filing is a small room with the words, 'Private' and a 'keep shut, fire door.' It is not a fire door, though. It is sort of the garage. It has: lots of files; a desk with a microwave; tumble dryer, washing machine, mini fridge, boxes and a cupboard with coffee and tea making equipment. Therefore, I was never alone for too long as a member of staff kept coming in to make coffee or tea or just hot water (for Rita, who was dieting).

Bharti came in and started to make conversation. We were talking about what subjects I do, then she asked how long I was there for and I said 9 - 4 and then she said she worked longer before but had to cut her hours because it was too much. Then, she said that she was angry. Like in a tiny, not so angry voice. I did not want to be rude and ignore her but i did not want to be intrusive either and ask why. However, deciding it was the nicest option to ask why, I did. She said it was because of Northwick Park Hospital where her mum died. They had a story today about how they did not feed or water the old people there and how they just let them die. She went there asking them for them to release her so they could take her home where she would be comfortable, but they said no and then she died. It was so sad. Like, she was actually crying. I did not know what to do. I felt helpless, like what do I do or say? I can't exactly brush it over. But then I thought imagine how much more helpless she must feel, so I got up and hugged her and gave her tissue.

In the afternoon, I sat with Mariam. She is 18 and really nice. :)

Thursday, today, I sat with the nurse. A different one this time. She was quite really nice, explaining everything and even letting me feel the patients pulse and look up one patients ear. She let me stay in the room for a smear test - which I really did not want to. The patient could not speak English. She asked her if she was sexually active and the patient said no. The nurse asked 'Virgin?' loudly and she replied 'Yes.' The nurse must have doubted this so she called in an Arabic translator who translated that the lady had children. Unless she was the virgin Mary or God had given her a miracle, I doubt she was a virgin.

A man and his mother came in. He was quite rude to the nurse. She called him a wanker afterwards and got so angry,

Tomorrow is my last day. :( I want to stay there forever. I already feel part of the furniture.

I will really actually miss it. I am glad I did it despite dreading it at first. I feel a bit more confident at the moment, so that is good. Also, I am thinking. Perhaps I should do medicine?

Okay, before, I did not want to because I had no conviction myself. I only wanted to do it because my Dad wants me to become a doctor and he always keeps pulling shit like before I die... I felt coerced sort of to go into a path I did not want to which scared me. I did not want to become a doctor. However, I got that a bit wrong. I do not want to become a hospital Doctor. I realize now, there are other possibilities like GP Doctor or Psychiatrist. After this work experience, I do not feel as if I am compromising my feelings or life to do something I do not want to. Imagine that? Dr Moronfolu. However, I want a more active lifestyle - GP's sit a lot. I think perhaps I do not want to become a hospital doctor as I got the role messed up a bit in my head because of shows like Scrubs where the doctors all raise around to save a patients life and they die - whilst that is the reality for some doctors - there are other pathways as well such as a children's doctor or gynecologist or something.

I feel like an idiot. I was scared of the monster under my bed that I wasn't even sure was a monster. I mean, i did no research into the career but just feared going into medicine because I felt like the only reason why I was considering it was because of expectations. However, it is just as broad as Psychology and if I did it, I would probably be able to find a career I would like. That being said, does not mean I will apply for medicine in September. I just feel a bit more empowered, confident and informed about my future.


I will, I should, have a look about careers in Psychology. SHIT..... I just realized I can message Judy. :) Hahahaha that's the good thing about Facebook. Also, I will ask the lady who is an educational Psychologist in church and I will ask Miss Saeed if I can talk to her mum about psychology pathways as she is a family psychologist.

I saw a picture of Agata and her brother in Poland, with I think, candy floss on Facebook. I cannot help but think, why can't you be here instead of Poland though I feel a bit bad because she looked like she was having fun. But is just sort of sucks right. Like I do not k now how she is doing or anything and the only way to find out is Facebook. 

Today, in church, they did a service where they were 'celebrating youth' in the church and where they were heading next. It was weird; people who I haven't seen for years (well that is an exaggeration) turned up. 

They made most of the young people who were heading in new directions to stand up in front of the congregation - like 50 to 60 people. I was stood there and people were looking front and I was just looking down at the ground like please swallow me up. It was ridiculous. I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed and nervous for no reason. 

lacking punctuation

i am not about punctuation at the moment
deal with it

okay

the careers adviser in college is really really nice but i am worried she is pushing me to pursuit something i really do not want to do
she tries her hardest for me
she is adamant that i get specific work experience in the field of medicine so she asked gps and hospitals on my behalf and she let me borrow her medicine books that were not strictly on loan for students

she tried northwick park and a gp in egdware and no reply
i was really happy to be honest

but i felt really really bad
like she is trying so hard for me but i am just not

so i went round to gps looking for work experience
13 said no
i hate feeling rejected
like flat out no
was it something about me

however i was happy regardless
really happy

victoria a friend keen on medicine had told me time ago about a gp in kingsbury that made it so easy and let you do work experience
i kept trying to avoid it
i was like there are like 50 gps in brent closer to me
i eventually went
i felt that even if i do not want to go into medicine i should go through it
make an informed decision
and most importantly not let down the careers advisor
because she was trying so hard for me

so i have gp work experience
for a week
they suggested 2 weeks
and i was like no
i need to revise for my ukcat
which i did not think i would
i was prepared to fail in it

but then tonight right
i got an email from the careers advisors daughter
who is a gp
and she is trying to get me work experience where she works

okay i feel like an asshole
i mean so many people doing medicine would love an opportunity for someone else to do all the searching for them
and hospital work experience? that is a dream for most people aspiring to do medicine
hospitals reject
here i am not wanting to do medicine
with that opportunity
just because the careers advisor likes me
and and and and and
like she is even bothering her daughter
to help me to

so i think
oh gosh i better not fail that ukcat
that is a slap in the face

i can hang in there till september
then find the courage to say i do not want to do medicine

what do you think are the odds of that happening

me finding courage within myself
me using my voice to say no to something i do not want
me going against others expectations
me living my life on my own accords

quite pretty slim

i am the girl who let people be mean because i could not stand up for myself
i am the girl who lives in expectations
i am the girl who tries to please people
i am avoiding the word pushover
i am the girl who has been wanting to talk to this lady in church for over a year and i have never so much as started a conversation - actually i did once but that was because it was expected of me and i felt pressured to do so from the lady who told me about her
i am the girl who did a girls btec work she wasn't even like my friend or anything

well there

i should not accept that
i know i should not
i know i know i know i know i know
i hated myself once
i started liking me
i do not respect myself enough evidently
i treat myself like a bin
i do not exercise as much as i should
i over eat
though i consider it a bit good that i do not use laxatives and pills or vomit
i want to lose weight and be healthy
not in an unhealthy way
i haven't gained wait for a while actually
i am under 100 kg a bit under though
i want to learn how to swim
but i am scared of people watching me
and thinking she doesnt belong and she is ugly and fat and a freak
i think sometimes that is what people think
i feel hideous sometimes
like ewh look at me
i sometimes dread being around crowds and leaving the house
but i force myself to anyway
and try to ignore myself
its hardest like the first days of term
i feel so so so so so like people are watching and because i am an anomoly
but the days after are easier
i find that if i create a good impression and i am happy and smiley and if i so not eat much around other people that they may perhaps see me as having a nice inside and judge me based on the inside
there are just the people who stuff like this do not matter around
like bob :) love her
i am missing her loads at the moment
i just want a hug
and to hear her voice or something
i feel like i would lose my mind without her
perhaps theres a chance i am losing my mind with her

what was i on about

i never intended to like complain so much
wow
that all just sort of came out

ugh i really do not want september to come

i am worried
when aren't i
i am probably predisposed to worry
i always always do
about what people think the future
i started revising a levels in the summer because i was worried i would fail
i try to please others because i am worried i will fail them
i worry that people just do not want me around
i worry that i am a burden on others
i remember i told mrs hamdoun that i was a liability and she told me never to use that word again and i tried not to
i worry that i live my life for other people
i worry that my parents will die
i worry that what i say is the last thing i will say to a person
i worry that before the next time i will see a person they will be dead
i am such an irrational mess sometimes
people think i am organised
i worry i am not happy enough
i worry that i do not deserve my best friend and i have not made up for my faults and year 11
i worry that she thinks about how much of a horrible person i am and i am worried she questions whether she is my friend sometimes
i worry i am too needy and loud


oh yeah
i was going to make a point about courage
 hahahahah yeah its so weird and cool actually

in  church there was this priest andrew
he was leaving
it was around year 11 when i was having a bad time
there was a church service
for his leaving
he had a sermon
then pulled out two baskets of tennis balls with words written all over them
they were like 100
he had a tennis racket
he then started to throw and hit balls into the congregation
and told us that we would catch something that we will need
the words had stuff like 'compassion' 'love' 'friendship' and 'courage'
i was thinking wow this is an absolute health and safety violation

guess which tennis ball i caught
the one saying 'courage'

hahahaha

i thought, i do not need courage
i needed courage then
i felt broken completely
i can't even understand fully why
things were falling apart
i felt hollow
i needed courage to talk
to not just let myself live in the mess i created

i had it then

i need it now and in the months to follow

i need the courage to first and foremost and most importantly trust myself
15/08/14 - 'always trust yourself and your decisions!' Mrs Saeed told me through email
hahaha i wrote that down
i have a book of words that inspire me
it is easier said than done
i was about to call it ironic
i trust others more than i trust myself
but i am not so sure if that is true really
hmmmmm thats food for thought i guess

not now though
i need sleep

Also thank you God wherever you are and if you are reading this somewhere up there or something.
Thanks for my talents and abilities and thank you for giving me the ability to articulate myself and thank you for always throwing opportunities. There are times when I think, well what if all the doors are closed? What if there is nothing left for me? What if I should just dwindle in defeat but you have always got something planned.

:)

Good night

I am happy
i am really
i am not trying to convince myself that
i want to cry to be honest
but there is quite a bit of happiness too

okay really

goodnight now :)

i listened to miley cyrus the climb
it is quite good

i typed in motivational music on youtube
i skipped the relationship based ones
and listened to some
and i think i prefer sad florence and the machine songs

i get why florence writes so many songs about water
the feel of it is amazing
i went hyde park to the fountains with Agata before she left
and it felt refreshing

My First Article :)

I joined the BHP youth news paper. BHP stands for Brent Housing Partnership. I felt really out of place. Half the people there wanted to do something English based. There was one who did an actuary sciences degree and one who wanted to 'be a physicist' and 'die happy.' No surprise - he was male.

We were discussing the August 2015 edition. This girl was doing an article on this boy in her class who started a tie dye company. There was this other guy talking about Brent - Eton summer school. I felt like I had contributed nothing so I mentioned that perhaps an article about the change of A levels should be put in and I was then asked to write it. 

So here it is:

In an attempt to make A levels more challenging and rigorous, as of September 2015, A levels are set to change. The changes to A levels are to be phased in. From September 2015, changes will be introduced for subjects such as Biology, Chemistry and English. However, Maths and other subjects will be introduced in 2016 or 2017. Exams will be linear - they will be taken at the end of two years. This will make retaking, if not impossible, a lot harder.

However will the decision to make A levels harder and limit retakes benefit students?

First of all, how will UCAS work after the reform? Teachers and UCAS rely on your AS grades to predict A2 grades. Surely not having AS grades will make the process of UCAS more strenuous for both parties? Students will not have any way to indicate their ability except for GCSE grades. However, relying in GCSE's alone can be misleading.

Conversely, reducing the amount of retakes may drive up standards. Some students, possibly under the assumption that they can retake the next year, do not try their hardest. However, only getting one shot will encourage some students to take A levels more seriously.

Wouldn't that be better preparation for University, where one is unable to retake a year?

Also, the new system may be better for selecting candidates for University. If you have retaken a subject 3 times then you will probably be more likely to get an A* in the subject than someone who has only taken the exam once. Imagine a person who retakes twice A levels twice and gets A*A*A on the second attempt. A second person with a similar personal statement and same A levels gets an A*AA first time round. Only one can be picked. Who do you take? The one who managed to get a good grade the first time or the one who got higher? With the reforms to A levels students who get their grades the first time may have a fairer opportunity in the selection process.

However, the burden put on young adults should be considered. Stress creeps into aspects of everyday life and the amount of stress in doing all your exams for two years in one will be a lot. One shot to get it right! One shot to get the grades you need, so that you can get into the University you want to, doing the course you want to and able to pursue the job you want to afterwards.

Whether the reforms for A levels will hinder students or encourage students to reach their potential will be left to time to tell.

Induction

Today was the Wembley Library induction.

I sent my friends all the application for the Wembley Library volunteer because they were all complaining about not having work experience.

Guess who did not submit it? All of them.

One friend was  like, no, I do not want to go beach with the estate, ewh, or I do not want to do work experience with the Library or go to the Suffra food kitchen because it is all so close and local.

What is so hard about doing things? What is so hard about putting in 3 hours a week or less even to invest in your future? Everything for most of the people I seem to know. People complain about being bored. People complain about not knowing where to start. People complain about a lack of opportunities. Then when one comes along, people make excuses. I mean, it is sad really. In classes, people are like, it is unfair that you got an A in that mock and I got a D. I am like did you study and they are like no. I am like what did you do instead and they are like I was just sort of bored. Texting. On Youtube watching stuff. Just the usual. How do people expect to get stuff done if they have no ambition?



Anyway, on to the induction.

I wore a skirt. It was a pretty skirt. :)

It was okay for me. There were many familiar faces. There was Agoro, Joy, and four librarians.

However, Fiona walked around numbering us and told us to go sit with our numbers. Alas - none of us were permitted to linger in a false sense of security and be with people we knew. We were told to talk to the person next to us. The first new friend all of us would make. Well not friend, but compared to everyone else who we did not know, we would be on better terms with them.

I turned around to this guy Leo who goes St Dominics and knows Lamis. He was really cool. He whispered comments every now and then to me.

We were made to do a test to see how well we knew the library. I knew my team would win because I had done the test last year and not to my surprise, the majority was the same. Agoro had also done the test last year too so I considered her my biggest competition.

I took the paper before anyone else could and began to scribble in answers. We were asked to write down 6 names of best sellers and one we put was 50 shades of grey. :P

My group - the famous five - eventually won. Obviously.


We were then asked to read a book and make a task out of it in 20 minutes and the book I got was Goldilocks and just the one bear. A take of the story where the bear goes into Goldilocks house. The bear is now an adult, anxious and scared about the city. Goldilocks is now a mother. At the end, both recognize each other and decide to live together which was quite cool.

The Famous Five soon became six when another guy joined. He could draw a really cool cactus!

I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT UNABLE TO GET BACK TO SLEEP AND I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT LIFE.

I THOUGHT FIRSTLY ABOUT HOW BLESSED I AM TO HAVE A LARGE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING GOING ON - BOREDOM IS OUT OF THE QUESTION! I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A TV SHOW ABOUT MY FAMILY.

I THOUGHT AS WELL THAT I AM LUCKY TO HAVE GREAT BROTHERS AND SISTERS. DESPITE OUR TENDENCY TO BE AGGRESSIVE -  PREDISPOSED BY GENES INHERITED BY MY MUM I THINK - THEY ARE ALL PRETTY COOL PEOPLE.

I LOVE ESPECIALLY HOW EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT IN THEIR OWN WAY. TO JOY, I CAN TALK ABOUT MY OPINIONS ON SOCIETY. TO TOBI, WHOSE MOST LIKE A FRIEND COMPARED TO THE REST, WE SPEND LIKE 20 MINUTES TALKING ABOUT EACH OTHERS DAYS. I AM SO IMMERSED IN HER HIGH SCHOOL DRAMAS. WE TALK ABOUT GUYS, COOL PLACES WE WANT TO GO AND WE MAKE JOKES AND WATCH TV SHOWS TOGETHER ON THE LAPTOP.

WATER CULT

TODAY I WENT HYDE PARK WITH BOB. I HAVE A MENTAL BUCKET LIST OF THINGS I WANT TO DO THIS SUMMER (TO STOP MYSELF FROM STRESSING OUT TOO MUCH ABOUT UCAS AND STUDYING).

WE MET UP AT 12:00 AND GOT ON THE TRAIN. IT WAS QUITE PACKED. THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL AND PRESUMABLY HER DAD AND SHE WAS LIKE TO HIM 'WHOSE A GOOD PARENT?' I WAS JUST SAT THERE LAUGHING. WE ATE CHERRIES ON THE TRAIN. YESTERDAY AGATA SAW SOMETHING SHE THOUGHY WAS CHERRIES ON A TREE AND DECIDED TO TRY ONE. THE DIGUST ON HER FACE WAS SO FUNNY! I DECIDING THAT I DID NOT WANT AGATA TO GET POISONED BOUGHT REAL CHERRIES.

WE GOT TO HYDE PARK THROUGH MARBLE ARCH AND HAD A LONG WALK. AGATA COULD NOT BRING HERSELF TO SAY THAT I WAS RIGHT WHEN IT  CAME TO THE DIRECTIONS. WE REACHED THE PRINCESS DIANA MEMORIAL FOUNTAIN AND BEGAN TO WALK AROUND IT AND GET WET. IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY COLD AT FIRST - LIKE WE WERE STEPPING IN ICE. HOWEVER WE SOON GOT USED TO IT.

WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD GO TO THE DEEP END SOME HOW AND ONCE THERE, WE SAT DOWN. SOON ENOUGH, WE WERE SOON ATTRACTING A LOT OF ATTENTION. THIS GIRL CAME A LONG - SOPHIA - I THINK HER MOTHER CALLED HER, AND SHE BEGUN TO WET US AND SPLASH. SHE BECAME MY SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR FOR THE DAY. I WAS REALLY SORT OF LIKE NOT JEALOUS BUT IN AWE THAT A 7 YEAR OLD COULD SWIM AND THAT I COULD NOT. SOON ENOUGH, THIS OTHER GIRL CAME, I FORGET HER NAME, BUT AGATA CALLED HER HER SOUL MATE. THIS 3 YEAR OLD BOY CAME AS WELL; AN AMERICAN SOUNDING GIRL AND A GIRL CALLED ISABEL. TOGETHER, WE DECIDED WHICH PASSERS BY WE WOULD WET AND WHICH WE WOULD ALLOW. THE AMERICAN GIRL MADE US RECITE RULES, SUCH ' WE ONLY WET PEOPLE WITH BATHING SUITS,' AND ' WE DO NOT WET PARENTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN,'

IT WAS THE MOST FUN I HAVE HAD IN AGES! I COULD NOT HELP BUT THINK THAT CHILDREN ARE SO BEAUTIFULLY INNOCENT. ONLY A CHILD WOULD RANDOMLY START TALKING TO TWO TEENAGE GIRLS AND PLAY WITH THEM. TEENAGERS WILL BE TOO CAUGHT UP ABOUT WHAT IS COOL AND WHAT IS NOT AND ADULTS WILL SCOFF AND BE LIKE 'TEENAGERS THESE DAYS!'

HOWEVER, ONE OF THE KIDS LET AGATA HUG HER WHEN SHE WAS COLD AND SOPHIA HUGGED ME AND TRIED TO REFUSE LETTING GO OF ME. SHE EVEN SAID SHE WISH I WAS HER OLDER SISTER. ISABEL TOLD AGATA SHE WISHED SHE WAS HER SISTER AND ALSO TOLD HER THAT HER DAD WORKED IN IRELAND AND SHE HARDLY SAW HIM. IT WAS SAD BECAUSE SHE WASN'T EVEN THERE WITH HER MOTHER BUT HER NANNY. :(

IT WAS A GOOD DAY

I AM GOING TO WRITE WITH CAPITALS. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, THEN GO AWAY.

I WAS GOING TO WAKE UP AT 10:00AM THEN DO A BIT OF READING AND LIKE 12:00 AM FORCE MYSELF TO A GP IN KINGSBURY TO GET GP WORK EXPERIENCE. HOWEVER, THINGS WORK OUT  DIFFERENTLY AND I AM GLAD FOR THAT!

JOY ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING AND I SAID SLEEPING AND SHE WAS LIKE I CAN WALK HER TO SCHOOL IF I LIKE AND I WAS LIKE NO. THEN AT 7:30AM I THOUGHT, MAY AS WELL. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE GP ANYWAY. SO I WALKED WITH HER AND WE REACHED ARK ELVIN AT 9:00AM AND TALKED FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES BEFORE SHE WENT IT. THAT WAS COOL. WE WERE JUST TALKING. I LIKE WHEN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS.


I WALKED SLOWLY UP THE HIGH ROAD CONFUSED AND TRYING TO THINK WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH LIFE. I WAS WALKING WHEN I LOOKED BACK AND SAW MRS APPAH AND I SAID HELLO.

WE TALKED AND SHE ASKED ME WHAT I WAS DOING  AND I SAID, I DO NOT EVEN KNOW, SO SHE WAS LIKE, FOLLOW ME. WE WENT TO WILKO WHERE SHE DID SOME SHOPPING. SHE ONLY WENT IN FOR FACE WIPES AND A WATER BOTTLE SHE TOLD ME REPEATEDLY. IT WAS A STRUGGLE. SHE FOUND SOME FACE WIPES AND CONCLUDED THAT SHE COULD NOT BUY IT BECAUSE IT WAS FRAGRANCED. SO WE WENT ON LOOKING FOR MORE WIPES BUT ALL WE FOUND WERE BABY WIPES AND TOILET WIPES SO SHE SETTLED WITH NON FRAGRANCED BABY WIPES. THEN SHE STARTED TO WALK ROUND, ASKING THE OCCASIONAL QUESTION AND TALKING AND ASKING ABOUT PRODUCTS. SHE TOLD ME ABOUT HER SON, JIMMY. I ASKED WHERE HE WENT AND SHE WAS LIKE SAME PLACE AS YOU. SHE WENT TO THE FOOD AISLE AND GOT TO PACKETS OF OREOS. THINKING THAT IT WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH, SHE CONTEMPLATED ON BUYING CRACKERS AND ASKED ME TO HELP HER LOOK FOR IT AND BRAINSTORM IDEAS ON WHAT SHE SHOULD GET. THEN WE REACHED THE CHECK OUT AND SHE WENT TO WITHDRAW MONEY FROM THE MACHINE AND SHE COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW SLOW IT WAS AND ASKED WHY IT WAS TELLING HER THANK YOU FOR USING THE MACHINE, BECAUSE SHE DID NOT USE IT FOR USING SAKE BUT TO GET MONEY OUT. THEN SHE REMEMBER THAT SHE NEEDED SOMETHING ELSE AND WE WENT TO WASHING UP LIQUID AISLE AND SHE CLAIMED TO ONLY NEEDING A SMALL BOTTLE OF SOAP BUT FOUND A LARGER BUT MORE COST EFFICIENT BOTTLE AND TOOK THAT INSTEAD.

I CARRIED THE BAG BACK FOR HER TO ARK AND SHE WAS LIKE, I CAN TRY TO GET YOU IN AND YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MARKING AND SHE SPOKE TO THE RECEPTIONIST WHO BUZZED ME IN AND LET ME IN. THEN THE RECEPTIONIST WAS LIKE, WHY DID YOU THINK I WOULD NOT LET YOU IN? THE PERKS OF BEING MYSELF IS THAT I CAN WALK INTO ARK ELVIN AND GO IN DESPITE THE HEAD TEACHER NOT WANTING ANY COPLANDERS BACK THERE. :)

I WENT TO MRS APPAH'S CLASS AND DID SOME MARKING. SOME OF THE RESPONSES WERE RIDICULOUS!

HER YEAR 7 CLASS CAME IN AND THEY ALL GAWPED AT ME LIKE A DISPLAY IN THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM. ACTUALLY, NO. IN A MUSEUM, THESE STUDENTS SEEMED THE TYPE WHO WOULD BE MORE INTERESTED IN WHETHER FREE WIFI WAS AVAILABLE OR NOT; NOT MUSEUMS. THEY TRIED TO ASK ME QUESTIONS. ONE BOY WAS STARING AT ME FASCINATED. FASCINATED - MIKE TOLD US NEVER TO USE IT ON OUR PERSONAL STATEMENT OR ELSE THE PERSON WILL HAVE A RESPONSE LIKE, 'FASCINATED, WERE YOU?' SAID IN A DULL MANNER.

THEN, WHEN 10:45 HIT, I ASKED MRS APPAH IF I COULD GO SEE MISS SAEED. I WAS THINKING, NOW I AM IN THERE, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE NOT TO GO SEE HER. I MEAN, I ONLY AGREED TO DO MARKING BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE A CHANCE TO LIKE GO SEE MRS SAEED. I DON'T KNOW. I  JUST REALLY WANTED TO SEE HER. SHE IS SO AWESOME I WAS CONSIDERING STAYING IN COPLAND JUST SIO THAT I COULD STILL LIKE BE AROUND HER - YES, SAD, I KNOW... BUT YEAH.
MRS APPAH, THANKFULLY, SAID SHE WOULD TAKE ME TO HER.

WE WENT PAST THE ENGLISH CLASSES LOOKING FOR MRS SAEED AND WE FOUND HER CLASS BUT SHE WAS NOT IN IT SO I WAS A BIT CRESTFALLEN, HOWEVER, I LOOKED AHEAD AND THERE SHE WAS. I WENT UP TO HER AND SHE NEVER NOTICED AND SHE WAS TALKING - ACTUALLY, TELLING A KID OFF - SO I THOUGHT, I WILL SCARE HER WHEN SHE LOOKS AT ME, BUT THEN SHE REALIZED I WAS THERE BEFORE I GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TOO.

WE WALKED AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMEWHERE TO SIT AND ARRIVED AT THE LIBRARY. IT LOOKED SORT OF EMPTY FOR ALL THE BOOK SHELVES WERE MOVED.

SHE WAS LIKE THE REASON SHE DID NOT REPLY TO MY EMAILS YET WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS WAITING FOR THE END OF TERM AND THAT SHE WANTED TO TALK TO ME, LIKE IN AN OPEN PLACE LIKE OVER COFFEE OR SOMETHING AND SHE TOOK MY NUMBER AND GAVE ME HERS AND WAS LIKE WE SHOULD MEET UP LIKE IN TWO OR THREE WEEKS TIME AND SHE SAID WE SHOULD GET LAMBS INVOLVED AS WELL.

WE TALKED ABOUT RANDOM STUFF. I MISS THAT. IT IS WEIRD. LIKE TEACHERS IN COLLEGE ARE APPROACHABLE, BUT NOT ON LIKE A 'I REALLY CARE' LEVEL. LIKE THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU AIM TO WRITE ON UCAS AND CAREER AND UNI PLAN OR SOMETHING. THEY WANT TO KNOW VAGUELY ABOUT YOUR INTERESTS - IF THEY ARE MIKE MALONE - AND ABOUT NONE OF THE ABOVE, IF YOU ARE SEN. HOWEVER, WITH A LOT OF THE HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS, THEY WOULD ASK YOU ABOUT OTHER STUFF AS WELL AND THERE WAS MISS SAEED WHO I COULD JUST TALK TO ABOUT RANDOM STUFF. LIKE IN COLLEGE, THEY HAVE AN OPEN DOOR POLICY, SO WHEN A TEACHER IS IN THE CLASS, YOU CAN COME IN. HOWEVER, YOU DO NOT REALLY FEEL WELCOMED. BUT WITH MISS, EVEN IF THERE WAS NOT AN OPEN DOOR POLICY, HER DOOR WOULD BE OPEN AND PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE WELCOMED. THAT IS WHY PEOPLE LOVE HER AND WHY THEY ARE ALWAYS IN HER CLASS. :)