Honesty

One thing people sometimes do not understand, is that when I eat properly, I am not necessarily recovering and I am not necessarily cured from my eating disorder.

It is difficult.

During the summer, I decided that I was going to try and get better. I slowly let go of restricting. I allowed myself to eat carbs and meat and to cook with oil and I stopped limiting myself to 1200 calories. It seemed as if I were getting better.

However, my ED voice was resurfacing. The guilt and issues with weight were all still there. I was still weighing food and counting calories and thinking about food ALL THE DAMN TIME. That guilt, I realise, doesn't just evaporate. It motivates my behaviour as if it were the sole purpose of my existence. When I did eat, I was obsessive. I counted calories and weighed food. I cooked one meal at a time so I could be absolutely sure of the calories. I planned when I would eat and where and how many grams I would cook and what to do with the rest of the day to avoid the temptation of food. I stopped eating food where I could not estimate the calories. I began to walk 10 - 12 miles a day without a fail. I'd spent 20 - 30 minutes additionally exercising at home or at an outdoor gym. I would write down how many miles I was walking and would record the minutes I spent exercising at home. Any thing that impeded my attempts to burn calories would make me feel incredibly guilty and push me towards restricting again. Because I couldn't possibly eat enough if I am not burning calories. If I am not doing anything, I do not deserve food. I deserve the headaches and tiredness. I can't be lazy.

See, it is all still there. The faulty thought processes and the guilt and the fear of gaining weight and the obsession with food.

Eating properly means I am managing to live with those voices, but they are still there.

This sucks but I do not think I will be free of my eating disorder. At least not anytime soon.

My eating disorder is a save haven. As long as I am good at times, as long as I burn calories and restrict, I will not gain weight and I couldn't bear gaining weight because no one could ever love me fat. My eating disorder is all I know - I cannot eat properly without compensating or guilt. I cannot eat based on my appetite; I eat too much or too little.

Hopefully, I will get there.