My mum came to me when I was revising and was like, "Linda, don't you go out to any parties?" And I was like, huh? What do you mean by that? Then she was like, "Why don't you get a social life?" I thought about that actually. It was a little funny getting from my mother whose always been averse to the idea of me having friends. If I told her I was going out with a friend she would call me like every hour or so and when I got back she would give me the ' do not do anything with boy's' speech. I told her 'I do have a social life,' and she laughed and called me a liar. It sucks to admit that she is right... at the moment, I don't have too much of a social life. Paula is always like to me, when can we revise on Saturdays and I am like, I cannot because I have people to see and I end up just studying. So yeah... That is life at the moment, I guess. I was supposed to meet up with this girl tomorrow and we were going to go get samosas because she has never had them before. Then she bailed out on me...

Pukka tea

Vanilla Chai tea 
So beautiful

TEDed

Here are some TEDed talks I watched that seemed really cool. They're like 5 minute videos talking about stuff. I thought today instead of watching Doctor who or Sherlock whilst I was eating, I would go on YouTube and watch short clips.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0 - This one is about depression. I like the use of cartoons in it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjbgZwgdY7Q - This one is about why females menstruate, which is actually quite interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-t1Z5-oPtU - This one is about how stress effects the body and it's pretty interesting too. Stress is really interesting. I was watching this Ted Talk about this lady who did research and found that stress does not kill yo but thinking that stress is bad for you does. The video suggested that a persons emotions could influence physiological response.

I am not actually feeling too happy at the minute.

I do not know why I made a blog post just to state this.

I didn't want to admit that I was feeling unhappy.

But I felt a bit unhappy so not admitting it is like lying to myself.

So there world. :) Hahahaha good night.

I am not sure what is worst. 

Guilt or nerves. 

Both make me feel like crying and hiding away. 

And just never leaving the house. 

I just don't want to leave the house

and be around people. 

Or to talk to people. 

I wish I did not talk as much. 

That would solve a lot. 

Absences

Lima is back after a week of chicken pox.

I missed her a lot.

At first I was like, I am free. I can do so much.

I realized as the week wore on that being free was not all its cracked up to be.



She's great. I missed spending my Tuesday with her. I realized that it was either just sort of random short lived conversations with people, or loneliness without her. And I realized that in her absence and  I will make the point of telling her that.


Evelin too was ill last week.

I was deprived from my Psychology body.

I had no one to laugh at Mike with.

When we did group work, I did not have Evelin. :(

She was not there to hear Mike talk about his ex, which she would have loved.

I had no one to complain about the snails pace of the lesson.

I felt rather exposed.

I made sure to tell her just how much I missed her too. :)

It is weird, absence is sometimes a good thing. Makes you realize what is missing.

People are silly sometimes. 

I was in college last week and a group of people were talking about me. 

About how I sort of fake being modest about test. Like, oh, I think I did not do well in that. 

And then I come up with the highest grades in the class and act like, oh I wasn't expecting that. 

And just show everyone up purposely. 

I overheard the conversation because I was like less than a meter away from these guys.

I didn't realize they were talking about me until I heard my name. 

I get that they meant nothing by it. Like... I do not know... 

That is like implying that I like to make people feel bad about themselves 

by seeming like I am better. And I do not agree at all, that I am like that. 

Something my sister just said

The only person you should compare yourself to is your past self.

The Walk

Guess how far I walked today?

From Harrow om the hill station to Paddington Station. It was around 9 miles. Took 4 and a half hours. My feet were killing me, but I was proud I got that far. I was walking with Zayna. She was doing a fundraiser for Islamic relief and was to do 12 miles. I came 3/4 of the way, when my mum called me to say I had to come home, but Zayna made it to Big Ben. :)

Nigerian X factor

Guess which genius introduced her mother to Nigerian X factor?

Surprise

I triple booked myself for after college today, being the genius I am.

I really did not want to be social at all.

I just wanted to go home and hug my mum and talk to my sister. (I was not in a good mood. I got bad in my mocks.)

I could not however. On Tuesday, I met this guy called George. He is a friend of a friend of mine and he saw us together. It was her birthday Tuesday and he wanted to do something special for her, so he thought that getting a bunch of her friends together and going out would be a good idea. I reluctantly agreed to help him - I did not feel like being a big group of people, hence the reluctance.

He asked me to ask her mutual friends to come along. Long story short, it was me, him and her.

Oh, by the way, it was a surprise. She did not know that he would be there. We were working and I was like, do you want to hang out tomorrow at 4:30 pm and I thought, she is going to say no. We have never hung out before, outside of college. Last year, we weren't too close and even now we are closer, I still found it weird to ask her to hand out with me. She said yes and I asked again because I was surprised.

Beforehand, George and I went to buy her a present from him to her. He seems like a nice guy. I mean, it is hardly everyday, someone tells you that they need help to plant a nice surprise on a friend. Also, he wasn't too bad to talk too. I thought it would be awkward silence, but we managed to keep a conversation going.

He bought flowers and a teddy bear and hid behind a wall whilst I said hello to her. Then he popped up from behind her and was like, 'surprise' and she was like, 'Really?'

It was a fun outing, even if all we did was sit in McDonald's. McDonald's because I did not want to go to a pub and because George had a bunch of vouchers.

The Library Staff

I wanted to borrow a laptop from the library today, meaning I had to talk to one of the librarians. I usually avoid at all cost doing so. The male ones are alright and do not say much, so I like them. There is this one white lady with short hair who makes conversation with me and smiles and I like her. One lets me go early from work once and she has the cutest smile so I like her too. One of the ladies I get on the bus with most mornings and one of the ladies scared me last year, but she is actually really nice. The two left, are sort of my bosses. My bosses, because I work there really really part time.  One is scary and the other one is the nice one I embarrassed myself in front of  her once.  I cried in front of her so I avoid conversation at all cost. I think I must come across as rude because I do not even say hello.

.

Black Magic

Agata, Amelia and I were looking through the metro and talking about the music awards and one of the songs that was nominated was Black magic by Little Mix. 

IT IS A HORRENDOUS SONG!

THE VIDEO IS EVEN WORST. It shows girls in the library and who look geeky, going all ' he is so hot' to a guy, the video makes seem out of their leagues, by looks alone. First of all, I resent the idea that just because a girl is geeky / hangs out in the library a lot, means that they are ugly and cannot get a guy to like them. Second of all, I hate the idea that the video suggest that how a person looks physically, is what determines how much a person likes them. I mean, the hot guy in the video could be a complete sexist pig, but like in the video, it is like, how does that matter? He is hot. 

Then, the turn all 'beautiful' by 'black magic' and can get any guy they like. Why are some people famous? Why do idiots like them get to hold on influence on females? I mean, me watching that, I think, this is absolute bull crap. But other girls, may actually think I am not: wearing make up; curvy and slim or popular, and that means I will die alone without love. For flip sake. Media sets a bloody stupid example. 

Guess what? 10 days late ...

This is sort of old news. I haven't mentioned it on my blog though as of yet, so I may as well.

Drum rolls please....

Wait for it...

I got a conditional offer from Oxford.

I still have a bit of difficulty with left and right.

I still cannot say stuff that begins with ch.

I am unorganized. I just throw things into my bag.

I may as well have been sleeping through all my maths lessons last year.

My family doesn't have much money.

I do not have a tutor and I did not pay for interview practice.

I am not coherent when I talk.

I repeat stuff.

I laugh midway through sentence.

I hardly ever see a sentence through.

I do not go to a private school.

I don't feel like Oxford material.

I feel as if they made a mistake.

Oxford wants me? That's so funny.

I only applied because I thought, why not.

I will try.

It is so easy for people to say, do not dream big because that is when you get let down.

But then trying is what counts.

I just wanted an interview.

I heard that it was 2 days in Oxford without parents.

And I thought, I just want to make it there.

And have a sort of most expenses paid two day holiday.

I wanted to be able to say, I was rejected by Oxford

but I still had the opportunity and tried to pursue it.

Because that is what matters, isn't it?

Trying.

I just wanted to say I tried.

And I did and it worked out even though I am not a genius or - in my own opinion - intelligent.

Though now I have the opportunity, I sure as hell won't let it go to waste.

I will try my hardest to get the grades.

I was thinking about the news paper I read this morning about this girl whose school labeled her as overweight after being given a BMI test. I remember this documentary I watched a couple years back. It had a study that suggested that by the age of 6 years old, children were affected by body image. When asked, what body image that they wanted to be, the children - I think the sample were females - all picked the ones ones on the slimmer side. Anyway, the thing about BMI. I was reading the Metro Talk section and I read a comment where a person said that his or her daughter was adult now and after being labelled fat by BMI testing as a child, the daughter still had body image problems.

Relapse

In psychology, we were learning about the use of CBT in schizophrenia and the last stage was trying to reduce anxiety about relapse, because even though a person may be fine, they may still be worrying about when they are not fine and that can result the person relapsing.

I get so much laughing done in psychology. 

Mike is really funny. The way he demonstrates stuff time is overboard. 

Once he was trying to demonstrate catatonia which is a symptom of schizophrenia, where people just freeze in awkward positions for long times.

So he was in front of the board, just freezing. 

It is weird. I can come into a psychology lesson feeling down, but leave it, happier. 

I sit next to Evelin. She dyed her hair recently so it looks more orange.

Though she prefers me to say 'bronze.' 

Her face goes red when she laughs and it is really cute.

Trending

Facebook is rather infuriating. I logged in today and I looked at what was trending. It was absolute rubbish.

The top two were about two female celebs on holiday, wearing swimsuits. One was about how they changed the recipe of cadbury creme egg. OMG because that is so important!!! People showing too much flesh and creme egg stocks falling.

What has the world come to?

Periods

If you are queasy when it comes to the talk of blood, then I suggest you do not read this post. 

I am sort of reluctant when it comes to writing about periods, because usually, whenever people talk about periods, it is like, 'I need chocolate because I am on my period,' *cough cough Zeinab* Or like, 'I do not want to talk to people because I am on my period.' People hardly talk about blood when they are on a period. If you mention the word period to a guy, they will cringe. 

Okay, so I hate periods. I watched a TedEd talk and now I know why I have to endure them, but I still hate them. 

When I am on a period, I feel like a piece of meat. It sucks. 

After 5 years, I still do not know when my cycle starts and so my clothes still get stained sometimes. Which is the worst. Yesterday, like my trousers - thank God they were grey - got stained a bit. After I changed, I could not be bothered to be happy because literally, I was swimming in blood, which does not feel comfortable at all. 

Another bad thing about periods for me is that sometimes it affects my mood. Like, the pain sometimes, is horrible. My legs usually hurt. Sometimes, I get stomach aches and shooting pain through my arms. To smile and remain cheery through that is really hard. And I do not use painkillers. I used to a lot, before. My dad made me think that every time I had a headache, which was quite frequent, that I should use painkillers. I started to think about how bad it was to constantly use a medication and so I stopped and now I only use painkillers if the pain impairs my ability to function so much.