When I am enough

I have been realising things. I quite like this world. Everything that happens seems like symbolism or having a deep underlying meaning.

Okay, so what I have realised is that I do not love myself enough.

I have been reading my diaries over and I have been thinking about the way I live my life.
I saw a book whilst out with my friend. It was called, 'when I lived myself enough.' It spoke to me, quite literally and I stood there reading the book.

I read it and it was composed of little massive milestones and I started thinking about all the things I do not have the time to do.

Then I heard a sermon in church - that I have gone on about in another post - we are not busy people. We are people who allow ourselves to think we are busy.

And I think, wow, I am so busy that I cannot look after myself properly, yet I could if I took away the pretence. I started to think, why would I wear a pretence and mask that meant that I took myself for granted?

After reading my diaries I realised. I wrote things like, 'oh, you are so ugly and fat.' Then I have a good day, and 'everything is great.'

I over analyse a lot.

I read that and thought, wow.
Perhaps I do not have enough love for myself to be real and true with me.
I mean people describe true love with others as being able to reveal themselves as what they are.

Perhaps I do that already? I mean, maybe that is how I am.

However, what if I do not trust myself enough to share my insecurities with myself?

Is that love?

I mean, that is how I have been for a very long time. I have changed a lot and I am more open. I have started to love myself. That itself is a milestone.

I mean, there were times where all I wanted to do was die. I was bullied and did not do anything because I thought I deserved it.  Then I lacked confidence and self esteem and love ans respect for myself so being the pushover who puts her needs after others only most of the times, is better than what I was.

I honestly do love me.

I do.

Just not enough.

But i have started to work on it.

I realise I put so much pressure on myself. A levels are not killing me at all. But the problem is its all the standards. It's my own that are more crippling the way I force myself to revise all the time. The way I refuse to do things that make me happy and the way I insist on forcing down a mask.

Today. however, I got home and I watched some movies on my laptop and that may not seem like a lot, but it is a milestone for me, the girl who smoothers herself with revision and others stuff.

I am starting to love myself.

Loving myself is:

To admit defeat. I do not have to be always strong. I can cry and hide without shame. I should lee the standards slip if that is what I need.

Doing stuff for me. Creaming myself. Blogging. Writing in my diary. Writing poetry. Drawing. Colouring.

Not being afraid to be me.

In fact, not being afraid is too little. Being proud to be me.

Allowing myself to depend on others,

Stopping trying to be perfect

Accepting what I am

Accepting that God loves me and will take away my sins

Saying more of what I mean

Not always being there for others

Not demanding too much of myself, which in itself is ironic, as I am listing things I should be.

Quick morning post

What awaits me this day?

The beginning and the end of the day are so far away.

It is a lifetime, I guess

as each day is a new opportunity for a new you

and each day is long

24 hours

1440 minutes

86400 seconds

and many infinities

in between

and in between

and that is the problem

these seven days in this week

they cascade by

and you look back

and think, wow, how time flies

but in the shadow of a second

in the heart of the day

how long and excruciating

and how adamant it is

not to fleet away

and that is my regret

is that I am human

I see the gift of time

and underestimate it

or procrastinate

and try to hoard it

or try to negotiate

instead of the spending it

there and then

not looking back

regretful

of not seizing time to the full

Truth

The truth is a completely subjective concept dependent on the way we perceive and interpret things. What a relieve that is.

I mean, in this world, so many people walk around woven into a frown thinking, I am not good enough. The funny thing is, the only thing you need to do to be good enough is change your perceptive.